to ask you how to withdraw my help?

[Labonya]

I've posted a couple of times about doing too much and being under appreciated as a step mum. Doing long school runs with a tiny baby in the car too and having very little help with anything else. I'm not going to go in to it as I'm exhausted by it, but I need your help...

My DH has got used to this, and I don't know how I can stop doing these things. I know if I just stop, our relationship will suffer, and I don't want DSD to suffer because of it, but I am really struggling.

How do I explain to him that breastfeeding a baby that isn't sleeping at night and is cluster feeding is totally exhausting? I don't think he realises how hard it is.

How do I tell him I don't want to do ANY school runs anymore. Not for the foreseeable future anyway?

I don't know why I'm so worried about this. I'm anxious, I'm waiting for an appointment with the doctors for post natal anxiety which is spiralling a bit.

I just don't have the energy for an argument.

Not sure what I'm asking for but if anyone could offer any support or words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated...

Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with.
The options are to carry on or to tell him you aren’t doing it anymore.

He knows exactly how tired you are and how unreasonable he is, he just doesn't care.
He switched his phone off last week leaving you with no choice but to do the journey with your newborn.

It's sounds to me like they (DH and DexW) just don't want the cosy arrangements to be disrupted....because horror of horrors that would mean they'd be forced to actually talk like adults, maybe make some personal sacrifices to their own routines - what a nightmare for them! So it's much easier really to have you bust your guts and risk your life each day driving absolutely knackered.
Why did his first marriage break up? Anything to do with him being uncaring and inconsiderate? What he is asking of you Is downright wreck less. You are an adult. Toughen up and refuse to continue doing it....,today.

I remember your previous thread. However now I’ve read your second post I wonder if you’re becoming a bit obsessed with this school run when your issue is more likely to be the PND. Please try and get help for this first as a priority x

I remember your previous thread and you stated that you need to do this once a week and it is not daily. Regardless of this you still feel it is too much and it is playing on your mind. The only solution is too understand there is no easy way of doing this and yes you will upset the apple cart and the consequences that come with it, but you need to have that chat with your partner.

She needs to become obsessed with the fact that she married and chose to procreate with a total cock, that's what's causing her anxiety.

I do understand I am getting all the same answers as before. I'm not finding the confrontation easy. I'm in the throes of post natal anxiety, and am exhausted. I wish I was a tough person who had the bollocks to stand up for herself, but clearly I'm not right now. I will get there. This weekend. I'm going to have the conversation.

There's no point hoping he'll voluntarily man up. He will continue to put you under pressure to do everything until you stand up for yourself.

So. Stop fussing about hurting your relationship - that's already happening.

Start putting your mental health first.

Be calm and firm about what your responsibilities are, and aren't.

I get how you feel, I've wasted hours of anxiety over wondering how family members can think they're being reasonable. Its a waste of time and energy. Sometime people take, because they can. We expect more of them, we expect them to be able to understand our perspective and to compromise. Often they don't.

In short. Sort out what you want, then tell him it's happening. And for God's sake mean it, he see's and shimmer of doubt in you he'll take advantage.

My DH would never ask that of me. I struggle with chronic insomnia, I know when I am not safe behind the wheel because my head actually hurts and I feel spaced out.....I do not drive when this happens. I could kill someone or myself. I take the bus or the train if I have an urgent journey....THEY need to bloody sort themselves out and stop making you do this. If you care for your baby, you'll stop doing it.

There is no need to overthink this or make a drama out of it at all. He switched his fucking phone off! He doesn't care! You can message him that you're not doing it anymore. In fact, I would because he sounds like the kind of manipulative twat you can't have a face-to-face conversation with without his turning it round to blame you and suit his own needs. 'I am not going to do this school run anymore because I'm so tired I'm risking my health and the kids. So you and ex W need to sort it out.'

The end.

No compromises (she's not your child and has 2 parents) or suggestions or enabling.

How many school runs are you doing per week? If it's one or two then I would do it , esp if it meant not seeing dad. Can your DH not do it it or could he if he jiggled Work?

To be honest, part of me wouldn't mind doing it if he actually gave me a hand elsewhere. I'm just a bit of a mug to be honest! - Yes. Yes you are. You are too afraid to bring it up with DP, in case it causes problems in your relationship - BUT, you will not have a relationship if you let this go any further!

I remember your previous thread(s), and I couldn't believe what you are putting yourself and your baby through, to appease this 'man'. He is simply not worth it. He doesn't pull his weight, and expects you to facilitate his life to the extent that you are endangering your own, and your child's.

If you follow this to it's inevitable conclusion, in a few months time he will have to find a solution to HIS dd's school run, because you and your child will no longer be around (and I hope that means you leave him - your life will be easier to the nth degree.)

Her answer in court was that because she had moved away, she didn't think it was appropriate for DSD to spend time with us in the week. The court disagreed

So basically you are living with a man who is prepared to put his current partner, baby, ex partner and daughter through a court case for contact, but not actually step up and manage the contact he has told the courts he wants. Yet another angry, desperate to control man who wants his own way but doesn't actually want to do the work involved in parenting? Ever wondered why his ex moved? Ever thought about looking at it from her perspective?

His ex was right, it is no longer appropriate for DSD to spend time with you because your partner is unable to manage the logistics of that time. I am sorry but you need to stop carrying the can for him. He doesn't sound like someone who actually wants to see his child - rather, he wants to be seen to have his child and have everyone else around him do the work for him.

Here's something's that you could do:-

• Ring the school of the step child, explain the issue and find out if there's anyone else doing that commute from your area who might consider a car share in return for petrol money.
• ring a trusted local cab firm that deals with transporting children and obtain a price from them.

Try and fact-find a few alternative plans. Maybe with a combination of effort all-round something could be worked out rather than this all falling on you.

I haven't read your previous thread OP but even from this one I'm not getting a great picture of your partner. He is not stepping up to the mark. Tell him you need a break from it at least until your anxiety and sleep have improved.

If you feel you're going to struggle getting it across verbally, write it dow in a letter. Write it all down. If you're not coping with breastfeeding does mixed feeding work better for you?, if so, do it so DH can pull his weight and you can get a break. Your mental health is as important as your baby.
I was very lucky with my GP who called to the house and told my DH, 'This woman is VERY poorly, she is going to bed for 24 hours and YOU are looking after your baby!
Maybe something coming from a health professional will make him sit up and take notice?

Or you could just stop. Keep her off and tell him straight it's not happening anymore while you're so tired. Give him warning if you like.

Erm her own mother can change her working life to do the pissing school run. Stop being a martyr OP. Just tell him outright you're not doing it now and they'll have to find an alternative. You are not a nanny!

Agree with @tinkobell, having some suggestions of solutions would be sensible so conversation goes better and doesn't descend to an argument.

Call up your insurance company and check the rules about driving tired. I think the rules are usually you need to have had 6 hours uninterrupted sleep in the preceding 24 hours, for your insurance to cover you. Might help your DH take the issue seriously!

I was about to post pretty much what ohreallyohreallyoh says above.

I've read some of your previous threads and increasingly wonder whether his previous marriage broke down because he took his wife for granted and expected her to do everything so he could look good.

He is not being reasonable, he needs to step up and take responsibility, especially for the DSD over whom he went to court.

Erm her own mother can change her working life to do the pissing school run

Absolutely not. He took his ex to court and the contact is therefore court ordered. It is on him to work out the logistics of his contact time with his child. How about 'his own father can change his working life to do the pissing school run'?

Some men will cheerfully watch you work yourself into the ground until you're so exhausted you can barely carry on, while they put their feet up because they've been 'working hard' from 9-5. No one is going to look after you and your baby except for you OP so just say no.

Op, I remember your last thread. You need to tell your DH that you are not doing the school run and mean it. Your stepchild won’t suffer if they only see their father at the weekend. My children had a fantastic relationship with their dad while growing up and the fact that he could only see them at weekends did not matter. My ex was a good father who cared about his children and that is what counts.

Your husband doesn’t sound like a nice man if he won’t put your needs first while your baby is tiny. Are you scared of him, op? Do you think he will be verbally abusive, shout or try to bully you if you refuse to do the school run?

The thing is OP there is no magical answer that will please everyone and make everyone happy.

You keep posting about this issue, which is your prerogative to do so, but nobody will be able to come along and wave a magic wand for you.

The way I see it you have three options,

First, you continue to do the school run.

Second, you sit down and tell your husband you cannot do it anymore because of x,y,z and if he plays anymore of his tricks (like turning his phone off) it’s tough because you’re still not going to do it and his DD will be left at school with no way to contact her DF (what could in theory be a safeguarding issue especially if he is a named contact) you then need to follow through with it. If necessary spend some time away with family or friends to break the cycle.

Three, you tell him he is a wanker (there is no arguing the fact he is indeed a complete tosspot) you’ve had enough of being ignored and used and you want him to leave.

It sounds like there is a very good reason he is someone’s ex and I’m inclined to believe it’s not because the ex partner is in anyway to blame!

OP - By all means have the conversation, again. Then write it down, and send it to both parents so his ex knows you're not doing this.

Be clear - you're done. Its up to them to sort it out.