Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

I wish I knew my DP was going to leave us in a County with no-one.
Just me & the bump. I could have prepared more mentally for the birth, & for our future.

We faced homelessness as we suddenly dropped to my wage only.

Things do get better. I will always say to people - you can do it alone. 100%

That you cry uncontrollably around 4-6 days after birth and apparently it’s normal because it’s “hormones settling”.

Constipation will ruin your life.

Paranoia and worry will take over your brain and you can convince yourself the baby will disappear if you leave the room.

Labial grazing.

The speed that your hair falls out should be considered an Olympic sport.

Everyone disappears to “give you space” even if you plead for company.

Taking a dump after giving birth and full of stitches is traumatic.

That it's just really really hard and when people say it's all worth it and it's the best thing ever they mean that it is in retrospect and it's ok to think that you're not having a great time!
That it isn't suddenly going to get easier at arbitrary points like 3 and 6 months but it does get easier and you'll hardly know it's happening until you look back and think phew!!

everyone you have ever met wants to come to your house and talk about how tired you myst be, yet continue to sit there rather than leave and let you sleep.

Getting back to normal isn't possible - there is a new normal. And that new normal will will keep changing, but kiss your pre-kids life goodbye and stop trying to live it as you had done before and you will be happier (I almost went mad trying to now let everything change)

That I wouldn’t necessarily feel a rush of love for this child when I was handed him. It did come about 4 weeks later when i was sat on the floor in darkness at the end of my ex mother in laws bed, holding this baby and crying my eyes out because he was due some injections and I didn’t want anyone to hurt him.

How painful going to the toilet for weeks afterwards would be.

I found that people like to try and "wind me up"'about labour. They'd go on and on about how painful and horrific it is. I just don't think it was helpful.

Now I tell FTMs not to worry about labour. The baby is coming out of you one way or another.

And honestly, my labour was over 40 hours and was traumatic but I'd rather do that than nine months of pregnancy!

The bleeding afterwards.. I had always thought it would be like a week? Lucky me was 6 weeks with first born and 8 weeks with second

That despite how painful labour & the after bits (toileting etc) can be, your mind will often blank that out. Your love for the little bundle you created will be overwhelming & you will get the stupid idea into your head to have another. Only when your body goes into labour does your head remember all the shit & go 'wtf are you doing you batshit crazy woman? This hurt last time!'

But then you get the bundle of joy handed to you, you forget it all over again. And sometimes the cycle repeats 😂

That a little person is now depending on you for everything.

That you change. No matter how determined you are that you won’t, you do.

Linked to the above, you put your children first in nearly all decisions you make (That sounds harsh for people who aren’t parents, but I genuinely see a selflessness in parents, especially in the workplace - family becomes everything to them).

I wish someone had told me about the first post-birth poo.

My biggest thing for FTM is its okay to cry. It can be hard! It was without doubt the hardest thing I have ever done - labour/being a new mum - and sometimes i just needed to cry. And actually that's okay

That there are two people involved in giving birth! Everyone focuses on the woman, her birth plans and all about empowering her to give birth..... blah blah! It was only after you realise that actually there are two of you in this process..., and in my case DD had some very clear ideas of her own about when and how she would make an appearance in this world! In hind sight I think it would take some of the pressure off the whole birthing thing if people were told hey sure make a birth plan but don’t expect your DC to read and agree!

That being induced is not necessarily the long slog it's made out to be. It can be very quick with contractions less than a minute apart from the get go making you feel like you're being hit by a train.

That no matter how long or short your labour is (and mine felr like forever even though it was less than 6 hours) it has to end eventually, baby is coming out one way or another.

Not going to lie this will be me in April and I dread it am terrified of the pain

The pain that hangs around afterwards. For weeks I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and it shocked me. 2nd degree tear and the stitches were worse than the contractions, muscles I didn't even know I had ached from pulling on the side of the pool. Post partum headache lingered for two weeks. Piles from giving birth.
I assumed I'd have this horribly painful birth and I was prepared, I just wasn't prepared to hurt like that for weeks.

Oh and the crying... So much crying for about a month.

That the drugs were good and the gas and air can make you throw up. Also everyone always tells you how difficult it is going to be, how sleep deprived you will be.

Honestly my DS' first six months for me were a dream and I got more sleep then, then I have in the last 6 years with him, oh and each baby is different, just because Janet across the road has her child sleeping through from 2 weeks, doesn't mean your child is going to or that you are a failure because its not happened.

Breastfeeding is hard and really really painful to start off with and if you can't or don't want to breastfeed that is ok as well, try not to feel guilty about how you are feeding your child. Do what works for you

You can pass clots afterwards that look like actual kidneys.

If you have a c section, your first orgasm can hurt like hell.

On the same note, if breastfeeding, an orgasm can trigger let down from both boobs, every single time. Not very sexy

I wish I knew how exhausting early labour could be. I knew it would hurt, that I needed to pace myself and rest etc. But no one told me it could go on all day and be really painful. I found it much worse than the active labour and birthing part. I was so excited I couldn't relax or rest and after 20 hours at 2cm I could barely stay awake to push.

I also wish I'd known I'd be alone without DH on postnatal ward. I was terrified, struggling to bond and barely able to look after myself let a lone a baby. With my second I sent DH home after the first night as I was much more prepared mentally and confident looking after our baby, but with out first it was awful and contributed to my pnd massively. I wish I'd been prepared for it.

I had no idea that labour would be so painful and traumatic. I’d got the impression that it was a life affirming experience full of joy and rainbows, and I prepared for it like a visit to a spa - lovely nighties, posh shower gel and nice clothes etc. I genuinely believed that hypnobirthing would help and I’d just “breathe the baby out”. I even thought I’d be able to have a bit of sleep between contractions. I packed music, movies, magazines and snacks.

I had no idea that it’d be a medical horror show with severe pain that wasn’t even helped by drugs never mind positive thought. I was in too much pain to listen to music or eat snacks. I starved for a day and a half. I was so exhausted I was hallucinating and blacking out into micro sleeps. And in the end I had unexpected major surgery and was totally incapacitated for months.

I would do it again a heartbeat sadly it’s not going to happen. I didn’t know that at the time