Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

I wish I’d known that it was actually ok and none of the crap mattered because my baby was so so gorgeous and I loved her so much.
I also wish I’d known not to listen to women go on about how awful it is and freak me out

@CuppaSarah I have awful memories of the first night alone. You feel so alone in a ward full of people. 

The blood. The sheer quantity of blood

Don't get too attached to your birth plan

Family members can get weird after birth, really weird, and then it's all your fault

Midwives can be wrong, but some are really nice and helpful

That going to the toilet (both 1 & 2s) is like giving birth again!!!

Afterpains with your second can be horrendous, it felt like I was in labour all over again, I was at home and in agony with no idea why I was in so much pain.

For my first I wish I had been told there may not be enough time for drugs, I was so set on pain relief that not being able to have any really made me feel completely out of control. I also wish I hadn't been told after a week but a lot sooner that normal pads will chafe and make stitches so much worse.

That the piles will be worse than the giving birth bit.

That everyone always goes on about long labours and how awful they are, but no-one mentioned very short labours. Mine was 1 hour from start to finish and was way more painful and traumatic than the two 'normal' length labours I had with the next two.

Difficult... I didn’t feel the initial ‘rush of love’. I was terrified. So was my partner! It was a few weeks after when we were all at home together singing to the baby that it hit us. Sobbed with love!

For me the depression in the first few weeks was really tough. It wasn’t constant but there were days where I just lay in bed and cried. It was way worse than I thought and more than being a bit emotional. Visitors were really hard. Just didn’t want anyone in the house. I really thought I had pnd. BUT it passed after a few weeks.

That’s it’s ok and normal to only sleep for 1-3 hours each night with a newborn. I thought I’d surely die with such little sleep, and panicked a lot about the nights.

And that drinking lots of water makes peeing much less painful after labour, as it dilutes the urine.

That it sometimes is not as bad as you think it will be and you can scare yourself by over-thinking the possible awful things that might happen. I was dreading it and waiting for every possible awful thing that might happen. They didn't. I was lucky both times. Both labours less than 11 hours, both born with only gas and air, only a tiny tear with DC1 (no stitches) and no tear with DC2. Bleeding after not terrible and done with in 2-3 weeks.

The thing I did not expect was how emotional I would be for about 3 weeks afterwards. I found myself crying at anything- irrational crying.

The first poo. As ever in moments of stress I was constipated after the birth and the first poo was awful, just awful- fear kicked in which made everything clench up and made it worse. With DC2 I took a stool softener the day after the birth which made everything easier.

That the first two weeks lulled me into thinking a baby was pretty easy to manage. I didn't breast feed and DS slept a lot and fed well. Woke, fed, nappy, sleep on a cycle. I thought I was doing well. Then he just became awake a lot and loved attention, everything changed and I was in chaos. I walked him miles everyday to occupy him and get him to sleep. The house was a tip, I had no routine. I cried a lot. But we coped and he settled.

I found the poo terrifying. DD tumbled out so I ended up with a third degree tear and the longer I left it the worse it got, I had the shakes and was screaming in pain but still avoiding it.
Contractions, for me, were the most painful thing I have ever experienced! I kept telling my sister I wanted to die I found them that bad. I kept telling everyone I wouldn’t let myself forget how painful it was but it does fade!
The lack of sleep is killing me! We have always joked how much I sleep so going from sleeping and lay ins to being up all night has been hard!

@possumgodess totally agree re the short Labours. Mine was 4 hours. Everyone told me it would take at least 8 hours to get him out. Even though my contractions were 3 mins apart from very early on I thought it was impossible that I was that far along. Avoided going to hospital. By the time I got there I was 8cm. He came out 60 mins after. I only got gas and air for 45 mins so did most of my labour with no pain relief at all. It was really intense and I could really have done with gas and air. Just thought it was impossible to give birth so fast.

Regarding the traumatic poos, you need lactulose. It's a laxative but it softens rather than hurrying things up. You can buy it over the counter.

No idea how to help any of the rest of it though!

That whatever stage your baby is at ‘this too shall pass’. You will think you have got something sorted because you have round a rhythm but at some stage, everything will change again. This applies to the easy and the hard stuff. You will sleep again.

That you can poo standing up! Causes a little bit of a splash, of course, but that's nothing compared to the pain of the hunched over push out ...

Oh Cookit you beat me to it. I was going to say there is something worst than labour and its bloody piles. The pain!! And so unexpected.
Also if you are sick and horrible all during pregnancy the relief of that being gone makes the first few weeks feel like a walk in the park.

That using a stool to raise your feet when you poo (so you're kind of squatting but sitting down) will make it easier.

That drinking lots of water will make all things a little easier.

That it's okay to not like this little sleep thief that you've produced and not be excited by the sight/sound of them for the first few weeks. I loved her but I didn't like what she was doing to my sanity.

That 8-12 weeks in it all gets a lot easier and you do like your offspring.

That c-sections can be a breeze, rather than this incapacitating medical trauma that is is so often made out to be. I know that isn't true for everyone, but the amount of pitying looks I got for having chosen to have a c-section after how large my baby was measuring (my little brother measured large, and nearly killed my mother and had to be resuscitated twice, there was no way I was up for that) were really patronising. In the end it was lovely, I really enjoyed it and recovery was awesome. I went on a 5 mile walk on day 6. I did cry a lot with the breastfeeding, but once that settled down that was a breeze too. A lot of people told me how hard and dreadful it was all going to be, actually it has been a joy. It is bloody relentless, but a joy nonetheless. Possibly because I had a really shit pregnancy and was just so bloody elated to no longer be throwing up and in severe pain that everything afterwards seemed positively wonderful!

Some midwives are really not nice people. I thought my midwife would be on my side but she wasn't. She was really horrible. I wish I had been mentally prepared for this and had kicked up a fuss to get someone else!

Afterpains with dc2-4 were horrendous and worse than the actual labours.

I under estimated how important drinking water was after both births, I remember muttering about a midwife who told me off as I hadn’t drank enough water, then got home after c section and had the most painful headache I have ever encountered, midwife said it could be a spinal tap headache and would come back the next day if no better and to sit and drink drink drink water all day, no harm it can do I thought but why would that work, boy was I wrong!! The next day I felt like I had improved a million percent, everything felt better, headache vanished, body felt more capable of everything!! That was my second birth a c section....

My first..... how painful it would be to poo after a fourth degree tear, how to hold tissue over my front end while pushing it out at the back to stop it feeling like my whole bits were gonna drop in the toilet!! Was desperate to get it done though as they wouldn’t discharge me until I had done one!!

How the rush of love wouldn’t come for my first baby straight away, how exhausted i would be. How effective gas and air can be if taken in time of a contraction.

That it's okay to have moments where you think "what have I done" and regret ever having a baby. That those moments will pass.

During labour when you reach that stage when you feel utterly panicked, terrified and like you can't do another second of it, that you're likely to be at transition and then able to puuuuush against the pain which feels so much better. You're nearly there then!

Great thread! I’m due my first in March and this is all great info!