Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

I read the first page and didn't add a horror story, I don't have one, that's my point. No one ever writes on things like this that they were actually surprised it wasn't horrific.

This is the issue if you say you didn't experience anything horrible you are arrogant.

i had an extremely traumatic birth, 36 hours, back to back, 11lb baby and minimal pain relief (abroad ina country that only cares about babies not mothers from what I see).

I had my mum and DH with me but wish Id thought about my ability to insist on a CSection. If id had a shorter labour I would have bonded much more easily, as it happens it took 2 years for me to be able to process it.

1. Know what you can and cant cope with - I wasnt assertive enough
2. Ask for help if youre struggling PP
3. Acknowledge that if you have a traumatic labour you may not produce enough milk and sont beat yourself up about that. I struggled for weeks.

I did it all the other way around for number two and had a far better time of it.

That it stings as baby is born was prepared for it to hurt but nobody ever told me it stings so was a bit of a shock.

Sticky toffee you missed some positive bits. Earlier l said if you were sick all the way through you would feel so well immediately after. Which l think is positive ! And there were others too.
And pains afterwards is as much of a horror story as a lots of the blips others discovered on their journey.

Pretty basic and it might sound stupid, but the baby at the end of it came as a real surprise to me. I was like 'fuck me, there's a BABY!' I mean, I knew there was going to be one but I didn't understand the actual reality of it iyswim.

• contractions feel like waves, it's not a constant or sudden pain
• pooing will never be the same again
• 4 months postpartum i would weigh less that i did before pregnant
• breastfeeding was as easy for me as i thought it would be
• it takes a long while to get to know and understand your baby
• your baby comes before absolutely everything
• it's normal to want time for yourself, whilst also normal to want to be with your baby all the time
• c section scars are a constant and happy reminder of your baby
• 6 months after a c section, you can feel a mild pain when walking long distances

I had no idea that you could have severe internal tears not just the normal few stitches that everyone seems to have. I had a severe tear and haemorrhage that I needed surgery for immediately after birth and wasn't allowed to have my baby in the theatre, so a couple of minutes of skin to skin, which was horrible. It's left me with incontinence issues still 2 years later. I'm 29! It's depressing!

Wish somebody had told me then that your poo will turn black because of the iron tablets and not because you have bowel cancer. This thought spoiled my first few days with my first born. I eventually was told the reason but too late. And that not everybody gets that rush of love straight away, in my case it was a caesarean and I wonder whether that was the main reason for my lack of instant bonding, which came much later.

That mental preparation is important during labour. Had an amazing midwife give me a 1:1 talk before birth of second child on stages of labour, how to try and cope, try and not let pain and fear and loss of control take over.

Take jug of water to toilet to pout over bit when you pee post labour

That tales ages for stomach to deflate in my case

Gosh I have a few.

1- I didn’t expect to bleed as much afterwards. I honestly thought it would be like a period. I had a bath after the birth and the water turned red and there was clots. I panicked and the midwife came running in and told me it was normal.

2- trying to have a shot was traumatic as I had so many stitches. I was too scared to push as I thought my womb would fall out. TMI but in the end I just sat there until it slid out

3- how much in awe of my body I was. I grew an actual baby, delivered him and then my body made food for him! I knew scientifically that happened but it blew my mind a bit.

1. I wish I had known that I wouldn't be allowed gas and air until dilated 5cm+ which didn't happen until after 3 days of screaming in unbearable agony

1. I wish I had known that writing "no pethedine" on my birth plan meant that I wouldn't be offered any drugs except paracetamol to allow me to sleep during those two days of agony because the midwife said the birth plan has to respected above the wishes of the labouring mother, because being in pain removes your ability to consent, I was told

1. I wish I had just written "aware of all my options" on my birth plan so that I wouldn't be screwed over by an un-anticipated turn of events leading to eventually giving birth and having to care for a baby in a state of extreme sleep deprivation

The amount you sweat in bed in the days after the birth. I was drenched for several nights so sheets needed changing daily.

That taking a poo even after a c section is hard work.
Vomiting in labour - Why did no one mention this??!!

Oh and the smell after giving birth is vile. It lasts for weeks, just smelling like a teenage boy's bedroom 🤮

That the latent stage of labour could take daaaaaaays, could be painful and there isn't too much you can do about it.

That not all birth stories are traumatic, scary etc. Mine was fairly textbook, incredible pain (bloody hell, nothing like it) but not traumatic or upsetting

.

Oo also you don't have to be stitched after 2nd degree tear. I refused, was exhausted and fed up of being in pain. Decided not to get stitched and tear healed fine, had no pain what so ever from it.

Every labour and birth is unique. Even if you* have 10 kids, each labour and birth will be different.

• You can't read or research or plan or control your labour and birth.

• Stories you hear are usually very polarised. No-one ever has an "OK" labour.

• Not every baby will be born healthy, despite all the screening and scans you have.

Yeah mine wasn’t a horror story, just some unexpected things. Pregnancy was fairly easy, no nausea/sickness or other issues and labour was straight forward with no after issues. I’m just lucky, some people are.

I didn’t expect bfing to be so mentally difficult, I didn’t really have major problems but it’s bloody hard work at first and I had imagined it’d be easier.

Also not everyone suffers:

Tears, grazes, constipation post baby, pain when peeing post baby, excessive bleeding.

Not showing off as I've had other issues but ive had 3 babies and never had to pour water on my bits to pee and I can't remember my first shit after any of the children (so it must have been very unremarkable!!)

That having to change nappies and feed baby throughout the night when recovering from blood loss and 2nd degree tear is one of the hardest and most exhausting things ever.

Second time round (another tear) - the midwife recommended staying in bed for 2 weeks. Best advice ever. Didn’t go downstairs for 7 days. Spent the two weeks feeding baby and watching tv oh my laptop.

It was crappy at the time but I got amnesia a few months later and I'm getting ready to go through it all again.

I didn't know what haemmorroids were until several weeks after giving birth. I had several check ups due to forceps amd episiotomy but no one pointed out what the huge lump protruding out of my arse was. I figured it out about 1 month later.

I felt amazed I had a gorgeous little baby after giving birth! I know that sounds absurd but the entire pregnancy, uneventful, and labour, not too long and painful, seemed like a dream in a way. It was great though.