Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

Yes to the after pains. I asked for gas and air!
Bleeding, hair loss, leaky boobs all took me by surprise with DC1.

That its ok to change your mind about your birth plan in the middle of labour.
That epidurals can work and take all the pain away. Your not a wimp if you want one. You don't have to go through agony to bond with your baby.

That even if you have the easiest new born ever your life is still going to change dramatically. Yes yes ...get out to that fancy restaurant with your two month old fast asleep beside you but don't think you've got it sussed and he's 'going to fit into our lives not the other way around' It will be a slower awakening than for those who had non sleep newborns ...but this aint going to happen when the crawling stage happens, he isn't sleeping so much during the day and you're desperate to get into a night time routine where the only think that matters is that he is asleep in his own cot by 7.00 pm so you can at least reclaim the evenings.

Friends you’ve know for years can get really odd ok those first few weeks after birth...... especially if they don’t have kids. Like dropping in at 5 days post partum and expecting you to make dinner/tea while bleeding, trying not to cry & nursing a screaming baby. Thanks guys.

I wish I knew that my body would work like clockwork with some things but not at all with others.
I wish I knew that I would cry on and off for longer than a week. You can't explain it but it's still okay.
I wish I knew that I couldn't breastfeed and I wouldn't have set myself up to fail. I wish I knew that it doesn't happen just because you have boobs and a baby, that's a myth.
I wish I was fully prepared for my milk to 'come in' the way that it did. Thinking of heavy sore breasts on my DD frame still makes me wince.

Also wish I knew that an induction was powerful and natural labour is more gentle. While I was exhausted at both, being induced was easier, oddly.

I wish I knew that induction on a drip really hurts and had refused to have it done without pain relief. (On a side note, I wish I had known that my hospital didn't have pain relief available at weekends (!!!) and had refused to be induced on a Saturday....)

I wish I knew that induction on a drip really hurts and had refused to have it done without pain relief. (On a side note, I wish I had known that my hospital didn't have pain relief available at weekends (!!!) and had refused to be induced on a Saturday....)

That's barbaric. Where i gave birth if you need the drip you are automatically offered the epidural at the same time because it is known that the drip can be very painful.

And as for pain relief not being available on a weekend

That you won’t necessarily get that overwhelming urge to push, it never came 🤷🏻‍♀️.

That labour pain is more like an endurance event than acute agony, apart from crowning where I genuinely thought my clitoris was being torn in two for a while.

That makes it sound bad but actually I had a really “good” calm labour in the birthing pool with no pain relief and no tears/stitches. I wish people would share more positive birth stories, my boss did and I found it a comfort.

That I’d end up stood naked over a toilet trying to push out the placenta, next time I’m taking that injection! And that as soon as I walked across the bathroom after that a flood would come out like a scene from Carrie, so much blood.

I also didn’t want the cuddles straightaway, I wanted a shower and to go to sleep!

That I wouldn’t die from not sleeping for 3 days, I actually worried about this on my first night at home.

I wish I was more prepared for the gigantic piles I had.

Also, wish I’d have known to eat more before/during for energy so I didn’t feel so terribly weak afterwards.

I wish I’d known that it would be tricky to establish BF’ing and rather than try and feed him every 3-4 hours in the first 2 days (midwives advice!) to just have him on me, skin to skin, and let him root and feed as much as possible. We were successful with it in the end but it was tough!

Oh and you don’t get medals for going through the pain. Take the drugs.

That there are 2 types of people who'll want to visit you after you leave hospital.

Those who understand this event is first and foremost about you and the lovely new addition to your very immediate family. They will:

• ask when it's convenient to pop round.
• enquire about how you are doing and be genuinely interested in the answer.
• never overstay their welcome.
• enjoy a few loving cuddles with your new born but not expect to hold them for the duration of their stay and hand the baby back without being asked to.
• Often bring a lovely gift with them, usually something thoughtful and helpful like a homemade lasagne or similar to save you and your OH cooking.

Then those who think this event is all about them. They will:

• demand visiting rights for the timing and duration of their convenience and preference.
• Fail to acknowledge subtle (and even blatant) hints that it's time to leave.
• expect to hold the baby constantly, even if it obvious the baby is in distress/needs feeding etc and will have to be told repeatedly to give the child back to mother/father.
• pay no regard to how mum might be feeling whatsoever, no polite enquires and....
• expect to treated as visiting dignitaries with cake, lunch/dinner being provided along with endless cups of tea - often making passive agressive comments about how much your partner is doing whilst you sit there "recovering" (from a c-sections/tears whatever - they dont know as haven't asked and don't care).
• rarely bring a gift but if they do it's inappropriate- a nice bottle of red wine that you can't drink because your breast feeding...

You will learn (and probably have a fair inkling in advance) who is who and should have strategies in place to deal with the latter and your OH onside in doing so.

That epidurals don't always work.

That genuinely no one cares if you shit yourself in labour. Least of all you. You think you'll care, but you just don't.

That the afterpains with baby no 2 would be so bad and to take your own supply of painkillers to the hospital for when they kick in.

That you need to start doing pelvic floor exercises as soon as possible after birth, like straight away, even if you still can't really feel yourself doing them yet because everything is so swollen.

That when you stand up for the first time after giving birth a lot just falls out 

Ah yes and as pp said afterpains after dc2 was awful. Worse than the actual pushing him out. Though the midwives had lost interest by that point and left me to it.

That sometimes it's the baby that dictates the need for a strict routine not the parents! I'd s lot of experience looking after other people's babies but of course as an employee/babysitter for friends & family you follow what the parents tell you without considering why they do things that way necessarily and looking back I must admit I must have thought it was the parents preference.

I was determined to be a laid back relaxed parent who wasn't insistent on a strict routine - then i had dd! From very early on it became clear I was just asking for trouble if her routine wasn't followed! She's 17 now and STILL like this to a degree I've actually had to work really hard to get her to be just a BIT flexible re disruptions to schedule. It really throws her if things don't go according to plan.

I had an emcs - first poo after TERRIFIED me I was certain I was gonna rip stitches not helped by being very dry stool/constipated due to the various meds involved. Also what NOBODY seems to acknowledge is that even if you never reached actual birth point if you laboured and dilated it is STILL a very sore vag you'll have (I'm sure not as sore as for those of you who did birth vaginally but I didn't expect any soreness there at all!)

To be fair my mother and others DID tell me this one but I didn't really believe it until I was "there" - that you'll NEVER sleep properly/deeply ever again! Even now even if dd is not at home at night I feel like I sleep with one eye and ear open!

Personally (but I have endo) I didn't find labour that painful - obviously can't speak to vaginal birth though - my periods are way more painful than any contraction was. But I DID find it very tiring. Was in first stage for several days, latter stage for 28 hours until emcs was decided upon. Exhausting!

Bf hurts! Not a huge amount but it pisses me off (and I've seen it said on here too) the utter myth of "if it hurts you're doing it wrong" bullshit! It's a new thing for your body to do, it takes time for you and baby to learn how it works for you and until your body gets used to it it does hurt at least at the start of a feed - but that goes after usually about 6-8 weeks sometimes sooner and then it's actually quite a pleasant soothing sensation. It's also bloody convenient for especially night feeding. Personal choice of course but I can't help feeling more women would be willing to try and not be put off by the initial pain if it were described more honestly.

If you have cs it can delay your milk coming in - nobody mentions that. I believe also true for traumatic vaginal births especially if there's been significant blood loss.

"I would do it again a heartbeat sadly it’s not going to happen. I didn’t know that at the time" similar though I suspect different reason. Turns out I have a rare condition that makes pregnancy/labour/childbirth life threatening for me but no way of knowing until it happens! No test available etc. So I was enjoying my lovely newborn (who was also due to 3rd pregnancy having previously mc twice) while also being strongly advised not to have any more as I risked leaving her motherless.

Zzzzzz weirdly it was the people I LEAST expected it from who gave unwanted advice and who told me to ignore unwanted advice! My mum seemed to expect me to mother in exactly the same way she did (and she's made a lot of mistakes imo) and gave lots of very specific ridiculous advice at times. My dad (normally the overbearing one) gave me basically "smile and nod" advice. My quite lovely now ex-mil was similar to mum - which was unlike her she's normall quite laid back and it was the only time there was any real tension in our relationship until I left ex.

"A minute or so after each birth I have got the chills" omg me too - I'd seen one woman have this when I was doing my nurse training but not that bad and fairly short length. I was like it for AGES after (OK probably only an hour or so but it felt like ages) and bit my tongue and inside cheek (while trying to eat soup of all things) quite hard as a result too. When I talked to friends who'd had DC they'd almost all had this but NOBODY had thought to mention! Even the friend who warned me I might shit myself during labour!

"That you shouldn't let doctors fob you off if you think something is wrong with your baby" I've another thread running on the misogyny within medicine in particular in primary care who are gatekeepers to specialists often. Several of us have noted this extends to children as they're often being represented by women. The most awful stories of seriously ill children and understandably worried mothers being fobbed off.

That tiny babies need SO MUCH STUFF! We were in quite a big flat when we had dd and it quickly became very full even without loads of toys at that point - it's insane!

PossumGoddess - my sister has scary quick labours! Iirc her first was just over 2 hours, 2nd just over an hour, 3rd - 35 minutes!! She barely made it to our local a&e, NO chance of making it to nearest maternity unit as it's an hour away, she was poorly with no2 so was already in hospital before going into labour, if she hadn't been that would've been an a&e job too! When her and her partner arrived at the a&e they tried making her walk in from the car park and they had to be VERY insistent she couldn't as she was crowning! They then got a gurney and whisked her in. She tore with all 3 and quite badly with 3rd. People don't realise TOO quick a labour can actually be worse and even dangerous. Baby 3 basically went sort of into shock as a result of being flung out so quick!

I also had a neighbour who with her 4th didn't even know she was pregnant! Very slim but didn't show (I'd seen her at corner shop just a couple days earlier absolutely did not look pregnant!) her labour was approx 90 mins! Husband delivered while on phone to 999 - once they realised what was happening! I'd seen/heard the ambulance, knew her 3rd had asthma and thought it was for him, then saw her at corner shop about a week after pushing pram! Thought maybe she was babysitting for someone and got the whole dramatic tale!

"That when they tell you to take it easy after birth they mean it." Yes. At that point I was a "coper" who tried to hold myself to far too high standards (I now know probably related to having OCD) I had a very good, experienced community midwife who on 2nd visit basically told me off! Flat was too clean & tidy, laundry pile too low, me clearly too knackered! Ordered me to bed WITHOUT a book (way before tablets and smartphones so reading was my only bed "activity" at this point) and told husband not to let me out until I'd had at least a few hours sleep and that he was to do same daily until he had to go back to work. I (weakly - I was really knackered) protested initially but she was absolutely right.

That pnd doesn't necessarily hit in the first few weeks. Looking back while undx I'm pretty sure it hit me around the 6 MONTH mark. Didn't recognise it or ask for help at the time but certainly I wasn't myself around that time.

Piles - still suffering almost 18 years later but because they're deemed "not that bad" I'm not offered anything but prep h. But at times still bloody hurt!

Agree that recovery from c section doesn't have to be awful. I was up walking a day later which the ward midwives were shocked at but dr said that's the best way - to get up and moving ASAP - sensibly though not lugging heavy stuff about etc.

DH and I don't have children yet, considering trying next year.

Between this, and being friends with two midwives, this all just sounds absolutely horrific. Genuinely, can I ask for a c-section? I want to have a baby, but equally I don't want to nearly die in the attempt.

kew fair play to you, the drip is fucking painful thats awful that they didn't have pain relief, dreadful.

I wish I knew that your waters don't always come out at once, mine we spurting out all labour!

No one told me about how long it would take.
I was in labour for several hours. After the birth I was glad to have bottles of milk for the twins to drink. My life changed the day I became a mom. But I’m wholly prepared to do it again next year. I wish I had accepted all of the offers of practical help that was offered afterwards as well.
I packed a bag of clothes which I didn’t need.

That you need to start doing pelvic floor exercises as soon as possible after birth, like straight away, even if you still can't really feel yourself doing them yet because everything is so swollen

This!!!

In fact, I wish I had done them weeks before... I wish I had been told specifically about pelvic organ prolapse. Read up on it now.... it’s not too late! Apologies if this has already been mentioned- I skim read the thread.

I'll buck the trend, I've not read the full thread but you tend to get on threads like this "I wish I'd known my vagina would fall out and life would never be the same again".

I wish that people had told me that actually you can give birth and be perfectly fine immediately after and escape with your vagina intact.

That your body can snap back within a few weeks. I spent most my first pregnancy in mourning for my body because everyone told me it'd be ruined FOREVER. It's not.

That instead of ruining your sex life as I had been prepared for (my best friend v nearly had a 4th degree tear and didn't have sex for well over 6 months) sex was actually amazing afterwards. I can orgasm so much easier now, it's great!

I worried about all the above but was totally fine. Only people with horror stories tend to share on threads like this.

I have just thought of something... the after pains after you've had your second baby are pretty much the same as labour pains. That was an unexpected surprise. I had read that they were worse after you've had your second baby, but I wasn't prepared for a reenactment of labour!

People told me labour would take days, hours and hours, and would be along build up of gradually increasing contractions which get closer together and more painful.

That didn’t happen. I go full labour without a build up. Midwives did not believe me with my first baby and told me I needed to calm down, take a paracetamol, get a bath and ring back in a couple of hours to update them. Baby was born before I was due to call them back.

People told me I would have a residual belly postpartum and would look like I was still pregnant afterward.

My belly shrank instantly the babies were out like a deflated balloon, and although saggy skinned, was flat straight away.

People told me I would have no idea how tired I would be with a newborn.

My children slept better as newborns than they did in the years following, by the time I was several years into ritual and constant sleep deprivation I wanted to snarl at parents of newborns who were complaining about their lack of sleep only a few weeks in.

They told me you can learn about pregnancy, birth and parenting.

I don’t think you can, I think you can only live it and experience it and that every person and child is different, thrown into a different dynamic, and every experience will be something unique you can’t prepare for.

Stickytoffeepudding - you've been rather arrogant in assuming the tone of the thread without even having read I don't think a selection of posts.

There's actually a good few saying "X y z isn't actually that bad"

AND then adding your own "horror story"

Weird

I wish I knew that first time mums often get treated like shit during labour and childbirth and that this can very easily lead to severe baby blues and PND.