Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

That's when you push you baby out it's all done, not true when they handed me my baby my Fanny was stinging. I was shaking so much I was saying help me to my partner as I couldn't hold her because she was so slippy.

Then while my partner had free first prop papa cuddle, dressed her and fed her. I was lay on the bed getting stitched up squeezing my mild hand because it was so painful. Then my partner had to go home. At 20 years old, no idea what to do I was all alone with this baby. I ended up asking the midwife to take her away because she wouldn't stop crying. She cane back swaddled, I was like your not meant to do that because it can cause soda. So I unravels her, she started crying again. But, this time I was like I would rather you cry than get hurt.

I also had to hold my baby in my arms walking round the dead ward, asking around because the midwife had not bought my bottle. They then came back to tell me that the baby should be put in the cot and wheeled round. I had put my self and my baby in danger. I was like well no body bloody told me the cot had wheels and moved!!! Luckily I was home the next day and went straight to bed. Slept for a few hours. Then went round to my mums to show everyone my baby. It was only a few days later, after getting over all the Adrenalin and shock I sat down and actually looked at my little girl and fell in love. Know I love her more than anything in this world, as much as she is a litttle cow she is my everything. And when people say you love your child, they don't explain how much. Like it's literally unreal how much love comes from your heart to my baby girl.

I didn't hold my two straight away, I was exhausted and just wanted a cuppa, the bond is fine. Breastfeeding doesn't always come naturally, I asked midwives to show me how to latch baby on. Be ruthless, those random relatives who want to visit the day you get home? No!
The 3rd day I fed my DS every 45 mins for 24hrs..then my milk came in and it was fine.
The crying 4 days after.
You WILL be o.k and be able to laugh about things!

A lot of the above rings so true for me, my labour was pretty much the worst time of my life and I did struggle after but one amazing thing I had was that the blood (bear with me on this one) coming out afterwards smelled so lovely, it was really sweet, I assumed some Mother Nature thing to help bond with your baby, it was the same smell as her too.

Never heard anyone else talk about that though unless it's one of those unspoken things 😄

I was also shocked at how much labour hurt, I was 5cm dialated. Bobbing away in my ball thinking this is a doddle. Then they broke my waters, oh my god she he pain was horrendous!

All of a sudden I was in agony I done it without any pain relief because everyone was saying I would not be able to handle it. So I proved to them I could, stupid of me really. I also remember begging my partner to kill me because I was in so much pain. I also done a shit, as I lay on all fours. Then remover asking the midwife. Have I just poof, in my god partner I've just pood. He was to upset for me to laugh haha

The blood. I stood up and blood pooled all over the floor and trailed me to the loo. Bleeding for 12 weeks after and the hearbeat in my temple.
Gas and air. They used a tube....which i bit on so hard that i broke a tooth. Spitting out chunks of teeth whilst pushing is bad.
Snacks. Pack good ones. My partners had pineapple chunks and sunflower seeds. What was i thinking?

• That you could discharge yourself and should do if you are being told to stay in hospital for no clear reason when you live very close by in walking distance.
• No one who finds bf easy posts online

That if you do not have confidence in a midwife you can request to see a dr. That midwives often chat utter rubbish even in labour. The third time ds1's heartbeat dipped she was still claiming a faulty belt and hoiking it up. Luckily DH opened the door and yelled that he wanted a dr in the room immediately. Senior midwife appeared, hit red button and emergency team appeared. DS's cord was strangling him and about to be compressed. It was cut whilst he was still inside. He took a long time to resuscitate. He was fine after a night in scbu.

Always ask for a 2nd opinion from a qualified doctor rather than a nurse madwife. If hospital cannot commit to your labour being managed by an experienced midwife ask for a caesarean, actually don't ask demand one.

That when you breast feed in the first few weeks your stomach contracts again. All good as it means it's shrinking back down but it's a weird sensation and even after having one I totally forgot with the second!

I'm not sure if this is the same for others but for me it was complete and utter shell shock the first night DD was home, that life would never be the same, sleep in were a thin of the past and I had an actual tiny human next to me. I got used to it, but the change felt quite overwhelming, the same feeling as when you hear or see shocking news.

That second babies can come at great speed once the contractions start. Ended up giving birth on my own at home whilst being given instructions over the phone by a 999 operator.

Afterpains with the second and their severity. The fact that nurses dole out painkillers like smarties and when vulnerable we do as they say.

Onlybtake medication if you are in pain rather than when they come with it. That way when the after pains peak at 2am and yr baby is fast asleep, you will not have exhausted your allowance in a 24 hour period with doses at: 4am, 10am, 4pm and 10pm. When you really need the pain relief they refuse with a breezy we'd need a dr to write it up and they can't be disturbed for codeine. And actually paracetamol might have been as good and doesn't constipate.

Don’t squat over a mirror to check out your swollen, episiotomied, stitched together fanny as soon as you’re home - it looked awful and made me cry. It healed well, but I thought it would never work again!

If a MW twitters “no, really push” at you, while your kid’s head is stuck in your pelvis, growling “I fucking am you bitch” will make you feel better. I highly recommend it.

I’m shocked at some of these midwives stories! Every HC professional I encountered from start to finish were brilliant and compassionate! I guess it’s all down to luck of the draw!

Don’t feel like you have to tell people your due date - or if you have to, make it a couple of weeks later than the real one.

Handy if your relatives like to be a bit too ‘involved’.

Lochia usually lasts weeks not days, even with a c section

you may cope brilliantly and feel great for the first few weeks but then struggle. Don't avoid asking for help even if by now everyone thinks you've got it nailed

Learning hypnobirthing and planning to bf don't always mean you'll have a straight forward delivery or bf experience. Doesn't mean you've done something wrong, it's just how it turns out sometimes

There's a lot of support out there for new mums and for those getting to grips with bf so it can be useful to do this research beforehand so you're not frantically searching the Internet once the baby has arrived

Consider logistics of if you end up having a c section even if you're deemed low risk and plan for vaginal delivery

Not all midwives are wonderful and 100% right all the time. Sometimes your inexperienced gut feeling is correct

There's no shame in taking pain relief or doing what feels right for your family

Don't even think about critically appraising your body soon after you've had a baby. It all settles and is not worth your worry at such a vulnerable time

Your uterus can contract when breastfeeding. Odd sensation!

Decide how you want to manage visits. We invited people in groups, eg 'family', 'mutual friends', 'work friends', which worked well. It also brought out a welcomed competitive element in them so that they all made sure we had drinks, brought snacks with them so we didn't have to host etc. They were relaxed as not turning up alone. It was great!

Your baby may look swollen and squished with eyes closed. It soon goes

C sections can be ok to recover from. Mine was emergency and apart from a small infection I was up and about getting on with stuff very quickly and the friends I have who also had c sections (planned in their cases) experienced similar

Drinking lots of water and eating well can make a huge difference to how you feel afterwards

There's not always a rush of love but a feeling of duty to care and take responsibility. If I'm honest it took months for me and I was so frightened I was the worlds worst mum. I wish I didn't worry as much as I did as it just kind of sneaked up on me and one day I realised I love my child more than anything.

I wrote so much, sorry 

That I could get myself tanned and prepped and made up and be as dignified as I liked and I would still shit myself- every time- and that it would be no big deal

The afterpains, holy fuck it felt like I was giving birth in reverse. Pack your own pain relief for that if like me you don't see hide nor hair of a midwife after their job is considered done.

You don't have to consent to an induction (found that out when it was too late)

A CS delivery can be amazing

3-5 days post partum your emotions take a huge hit

Life cannot go back to 'normal' - you have to find a new normal

Post birth sweats. After both dc I sweated at night for about two weeks. Literally drenched in sweat. Lying on a towel and wearing one of dh's moisture wicking sports tops helped. But I had no idea it was a thing.

Tears of frustration are normal when you have a new baby. You have no idea what you’re doing

Recovery from elcs was so much better than imagined

I wish I’d known that breastfeeding wouldn’t simply be a case of whacking a boob out and SNAP, baby would latch. Had I known that maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have fallen so far into post natal depression that I considered ending my life.

That my DH became unable to comprehend spoken language for about a week afterwards (traumatic delivery ending in a csection)

Aforementioned husband then asked “how many days until DS opens his eyes? No, DuH, that’s puppies...

Gas and air can make you vomit- a lot.

That it's normal and surprisingly more common than you'd think to poo when in labour! I was mortified but fortunately the midwife was lovely and didn't bat an eye