Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

Think i had an easy time reading this. Ill keep quiet as i was going to say i wish id know how quick and easy labour was and end result was amazing and surprises us every day. If im lucky enough to fall pregnant again i bet id have the other end of the scale. The lack of sleep afterwards...torture!

That you should talk to someone if you don’t feel right. Not worth trying to heal yourself. OP I know you said you didn’t bond right away - I get that but for some it’s a sign that something isn’t right. If that bond doesn’t come within time then mums should speak up.

That the first wee and poo kills.

That you must do Kegels!

That your baby crying cuts right through and it’s ok to not want people holding your newborn.

That the world feels different at 3am when it’s just you feeding baby.

That colic isn’t an answer- it’s just a label for crying but not knowing why

That newborns wake up after a couple of weeks and are harder to settle.

That the best routine really to get baby knowing day from night is waking up roughly the same time every morning and getting midday daylight.

Fresh air makes things feel better.

No one told me about lochia. Well I knew about it, but not that it would be so heavy and that big clots were normal and that it would have that smell. First time I stood up after having ds1 I thought I was bleeding to death. Would have been nice to know it would be that heavy.

Also, midwives assume that because of their knowledge and experience, they have a better understanding than you of what is happening. I wish I'd known that they are often wrong and then when being told an hour into labour with ds1 that I had hours to go and couldn't possibly be in that much pain I wouldn't have felt so terrified and overwhelmed.

A minute or so after each birth I have got the chills (really intense uncontrollable shivering and going a bit grey). Being ready for that with ds2 and ds3 was really good with ds1 it was horrible and scary.

That a surprising number of 'friends' will suddenly no longer want to know you. Parents who under different circumstances you would be willing to be friends with, you might not be, because differing parenting styles can be very emotive.

Breastfeeding can hurt even if you are doing it right, and it's ok to switch to formula if it's making you miserable. It's not poison.

That you shouldn't let doctors fob you off if you think something is wrong with your baby (my ds has a turn in his eye that requires glasses and potentially surgery but my gp was insistent that it was just a trick of the light and the shape of his nose. I have the same thing and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm looking at, having seen it in the mirror every day for 28 years). He's under the hospital clinic now after I refused to be fobbed off but it was bloody fight.

I wish I had been warned about the tide of plastic crap that would invade my house.
I had visions of minimal brightly painted wooden toys, and the reality is our house looks like a toys r us.

Other family relationships can suffer when family members go from being number 1 to not number 1 (looking at you mil, and my granny). It can be really hard to stand your ground in the face of an adult throwing a tantrum because you are putting your child first.

The cleaning is relentless.

Honestly, I wish I’d known that it all goes well sometimes. All I ever heard were horror stories and the ‘life as you know it is gone forever’ speech.

I ended up having a crappy first birth even though it was easy and not that painful because I spent the whole time terrified, waiting for the inevitable horrible, traumatic things to start. Then when I went home I spent months feeling like I must be doing things wrong and neglecting my baby because I wasn’t finding it the agonising, life ruining slog I was told it would be.

That sometimes all these bad and painful and stressful things dont happen.

They really don't for some people.

No crying and wailing a few days after birth, no horrific postnatal poo etx

That it doesn't necessarily take a long time in labour, it can be quite quick. I am sorry for all you lovely ladies who didn't have it as 'easy' as me but my first labour was three and a half hours and my second was four and a half hours from waters breaking to final push, with nothing prior to waters breaking. It doesn't mean it wasn't painful but at least it wasn't for too long.

And nobody told me about the scale of the bleeding afterwards, I desperately needed a wee about 6 hours after giving birth and stood up to go to the loo resulting in Niagara falls of blood all over the floor.

And I thought I was unnatural for not wanting to hold my babies and look deeply into their eyes immediately after giving birth, I just wanted to sleep. But I'm not.

You won't feel human until the six weeks mark. Tbh it was 12 weeks before my life resembled any kind of routine.

That everyone will tell you how tiring it will be with a new born. You will complain to everyone that no one ever told you how tiring it would be...
They did, it’s just that you could never comprehend the sort of tiredness they were talking about!

That it wouldn't be that bad. I tied myself in knots reading all the horror stories on here. While pregnant I cried thinking about how terrible the post partum bleeding, pp poo, newborn crying, no sleep, first sex post birth, etc, all would me. And for me they were all fine.

Not saying it's like this for everyone. But I was over prepared. Coming on here and reading about how my life and body was going to be ruined really took away any excitement about the pregnancy.

It's different for everyone. Don't compare yourself to anyone else.

That, actually, it's pretty hard to make decisions when you're in labour, so making a sensible decision about "do you want this painkiller?" are pretty hard! (so I agreed, even though I was actually managing ok, and I gave birth about 40 minutes later, but the painkiller just made my head spin and made me feel a bit stupid, plus made my baby a bit lethargic)

1. That it is possible to give birth without pain relief and whilst intense it is way less problematic than forceps with epidural.
2. That some midwifes are useless, inexperienced and patronising and others are amazing! One asked me how long I had been constipated for cos obviously I was pooping during labour. I would not have known if she hadn't said anything
3. You probably know more than you realize about how to give birth
4. Breastfeeding can be painful and for me more painful than labour. I got through but I think painful breastfeeding does not encourage bonding
5. Everyone is an expert

6. Labour can be very quick (two of mine were less than 30mins) and as a result intense. Ask your mother how quick her labours were as turns out my mum was similar. She told me afterwards.

That it's so important to make a birth plan. Even if it doesn't happen that way it's essential for you to feel empowered and like you have choices and are in control if you want it to be a positive experience. Having a birth plan helps to solidify what's important so that you can make choices along the way.

It's ok to decline induction. 1/3 of women are induced but very often without the whole picture being explained. Ask questions and find out the reality. It may take days. Your partner may not be able go stay with you. You may be on a ward rather than a private room. Ask questions and remember you have a choice.

Postpartum just go with it. Embrace it and try not to have a routine! Cluster feeding? Settle in with Netflix and boob away.

That when they tell you to take it easy after birth they mean it. I had a second degree tear and it wasn't too bad so I was going on long walks a few days after birth, cleaning and cooking, feeling very smug - then I suddenly felt dreadful and it turned out my stitches were infected and my GP told me off for not letting them heal. It then meant weeks of being more constrained, which drove me mad, and could have been avoided if I'd let myself heal better in the first few days. There's no medal for being the quickest to get off the sofa!

Birth can go to "plan" and not just if you're low risk.

That for subsequent births, the after pains are a bitch!

That it probably won't be an amazing empowering experience and that's ok. It doesn't mean you failed.

That it doesn't ruin your body or your boobs. It just takes a while to.come back. You do get hip fat that won't shift though.

I wish I’d known babies’ faces can get squashed during birth. DD looked very strange and I was really worried.

I wish I’d known that it’s ok to argue with the medical staff and say no I’m not doing that, rather than thinking they must know best.

I wish I’d known that you can’t train all babies to sleep well or follow a routine. Some will, some won’t no matter how much you try!

That sometimes you have to be firm to get what you want from the midwives. Lovely people on the whole, but the young woman who offered me two paracetamol after 24 hours of labour did get a bit of an earful, and now my partner tells everyone I had a bitch fit during labour

That sometimes all these bad and painful and stressful things dont happen
Very true but I always think it’s safest to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If you do sail through everything that’s brilliant and I’m very happy some mothers do but if you don’t then you’re in good company.
My thing i wish I’d known is your harshest critic is yourself. No one else really cares if you BF or FF or co sleep or have a sleep routine. Have to confidence to ditch what isnt working no one will judge you for it.

I wish I knew how uncomfortable I would be for the week or two after and also how much bleeding there would be postnatally.

I’m very fortunate to have had two very straightforward and lovely home births and birth itself wasn’t really painful or scary. But all my antenatal classes and such focused on birth. No one talked about what your body goes through after. I had a simple 2nd degree tear both times but just moving around was so difficult initially. And the blood. I didn’t think it was possible to lose that much blood. The first time it really freaked me out that I was losing too much. I wasn’t and actually the midwives didn’t think it was a big deal at all, but I found it kind of horrific.

On the positive side though, I wish I had known that it’s possible to have the sort of calm, peaceful, not really that painful births I’ve had. I put a lot of effort into preparing for both of them and I think it’s only after the 2nd time that I feel truly confident that I really knew what I was doing (but I’m not having anymore!!).

Oh and I cannot recommend enough if you want to bf, to express colostrum antenatally. I had a horrible time bf my first, but I really believe it was the extra colostrum with my 2nd (expressed and froze it from 37 weeks) that made the difference. It gave him energy for us to figure out what we were doing in those early days. He only lost 5% of birth weight (compared to 12% with my first who ended up in SCBU) and despite a horrific previous experience, we are still going strong at 8 months.

It's ok to feel overwhelmed when everyone is telling you how lucky you are and how wonderful it is like you have no right to feel that way.

It's not always wonderful, sometimes it's really difficult and you're hanging on by the skin of your teeth and that's ok.

Oh and the afterbirth poo. I was like a broken woman.

That you should take any pain medication offered. There’s no prize for being a hero