Giving birth - I wish I knew...

[inretrospect]

I wanted to put together a lift of the things that I'd wish I'd known before giving birth. I'm hoping that this can help me and others by talking openly about it.

I know a couple of FTMs (me included) who struggled a lot postpartum and I genuinely think that I would've felt a lot easier if I'd been more prepared about after the birth.

I'll start:

if you don't feel that OVERWHELMING love for your child as soon as they're placed on you, you are not a bad mother/heartless daemon. I will admit, it took me a while to form that "bond" that everyone talks about.

DD was placed on me after a 36 hour labour, episiotomy and ventouse. I looked at my big squished baby and went 'oh fucking hell she's ginormous' (wasn't actually that ginormous in hindsight - 8.7lb)

Anyone else?

@Twinningsloverbutnotanymore for that I just remember my midwife telling me to give one little push and that was it. No pain or strain. Bit like a fart really.

The weirdest thing that I didn't expect was that floaty feeling where all your internal organs are still pushed up but all the baby/placenta/fluid is gone. It felt so bizarre, I could barely stand up straight, like I wasn't properly supported or something. And your abdomen doesn't have the layer of muscles over it yet but is not solid from the baby, so you can sort of poke all the way in with no resistance. So strange! Doesn't last long before things settle again but that's something that never occurred to me.

Also I never realised how boobs work as one unit rather than two so the baby sucking on one triggers the letdown reflex in both at once. So your baby is guzzling away at one breast whilst the other just leaks everywhere. Serious design flaw if you ask me! I suppose it would be good if you had twins.

I wish I had known that back to back labour was going to be very painful. I had an epidural but it stopped working and I couldn't move but was in agony.

I wish I had known that if I was sobbing and upset, that the midwife would shout at me and call me a drama queen rather than be compassionate and understand that I couldn't help how I felt because I was in agony.

I wish I had known the same as you OP, that it's not like the movies and that not eveyone lies there looking pleased and happy and cuddling their baby acting like they have had a little 5 minute exercise. I was shaking life a leaf and couldn't hold her, yet still they put her on me. I was exhausted and couldn't have cared less that I had just had a baby. XH had to remove her as she was going to fall off.

I wish I had known that some midwives are lovely as well as some being total cows, because then I wouldn't have laid there crying while my baby screamed because I was afraid of the nasty midwife coming back to shout at me because I was struggling with breastfeeding. (The same one who shouted at me when I was in labour the previous night). The nice midwife took the baby away , fed her and allowed me to get some much needed rest after 24 hours with no sleep.

Sorry if it all sounds so negative, but it wasn't a good experience for me, and along with SPD, it stopped me having another.

I did know that it was OK to NOT breastfeed. I struggled, the midwives didn't care, even once I was home they gave no help, so I gave up. I DID NOT feel guilty about that.

Regarding the baby love, a MCA said to me the next day , to hold on to my baby and not pass her around like a parcel. I think she could see that I hadn't connected with her as such. I held DD and had a little cry that I hadn't "wanted" her the night before, but then got a grip and told myself that it was literally only in the moment and because of what I had gone through.

Twinningsloverbutnotanymore - it comes out shortly after baby with a few contractions, they offer an injection to help with this and have been doing a trial here in the south west for the past few years on which one works best - immox or imox I think it's called.

The afterpains after DC2 were the biggest surprise, I think! Thought I knew what to expect as I'd had a baby before, but wasn't prepared for those when DS latched on. According to OH, I went insantly white as a sheet and started trembling. He had to escort us upstairs for a lying-down feed.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone Thank you!! That has actually put my mind at rest :)

after birth poos -

fold a pile of loo paper to make a wad.
press against your undercarriage/stitches at the same time as pooing, this stops them from being strained/hurting, and allows you to poo.

Really simple, really works, couldn't poo any other way for about 3 weeks after dc1.

I had a VB for my first and an EMCS for my second, I was genuinely surprised to still have lochia after a CS!

The first pee after giving birth (vaginally) burns like hellfire, take a jug of warm water and pour as you pee!

If you are unfortunate enough to need an emergency c section, when they ask you to stand up straight afterwards, your insides will not fall out, I promise, although you will convince yourself this is the case.

Also, if you have an epidural and are stuck in one position for hours, make sure they shift you about a bit fairly often, the extreme bruising (blood filled blisters essentially) I had because I could not feel anything digging into me for hours, are awful and have left me with scars :(

I don't want to upset anyone who has had traumatic experiences but I just want to add that it might all be fine!

First dc- water birth. Gas and air - all good. Retained placenta which was horrid but all good in the end.

Second dc- placenta ruptured 3 weeks early. Emergency induction. Gas and air.all good.

Don't think birth necessarily equals stitches/tears etc.

Hope for the best and prepare (as best you can) for the worst.

That you can still have pelvic floor pain nearly 4 years on. That diastasis recti means people asking when the next one is due even though I'm not pregnant and never will be again.

I wish I had known that I wouldn't find it natural to talk to DD when she was a baby. Some parents can chatter away to their child but I wasn't like that. It did not stop her being a massive chatter box herself and she spoke her first words when she was 9mo despite her mute mother.

I thought breastfeeding would be really difficult so when other mums told me they either couldn't or managed it for a few weeks I thought those few weeks were an incredible effort. Therefore I was pleasantly surprised when both DD and I got the hang of it and carried on for 16 months. However, I would still say ignore anyone who says don't get bottles and formula in advance as it might make you give up quicker than you thought. I personally found it reassuring that I had some bottles as back up and they were occasionally needed.

I wish I'd known about why they do all the newborn tests they do and what might happen if your child was diagnosed as having a problem in a particular area. This would have meant I was not hugely surprised to walk out of a paediatric orthopedics centre with my daughter in a Pavlik harness for hip dysplasia aged 4 weeks when all we went in for was a hip scan...

I wish i'd known it was normal to have weird dreams of losing DD down the back of the sofa etc when I had her and this seems to happen to most people!

Oh yes another positive story here. After a horrendous experience first time (because of pre eclampsia and premature section) my second birth was completely different. Induction that was over and done with in 4 hours. Very strange experience and yes painful at times but not completely hideous. For the most part I felt in control. I’d recommend breathing/meditation classes, I needed to try to make my second birth a positive experience and those classes definitely helped. Could’ve just been lucky mind but I felt mentally prepared.

To trust your body, that instinct takes over (for some people). Honestly, both labours the midwives were telling me what to do, as if I could control my own body! They should have saved their breath.
That midwives can be wrong, so you have to advocate for yourself if you feel anything is wrong. First labour they missed my pre-eclampsia. Second labour they were telling me it'd be hours yet - an hour before DD2 arrived!
That inductions can be quick!
That with a quick labour you can shake uncontrollably between contractions due to the adrenalin.
That it can be normal to look at your newborn and wonder "where they hell did that baby come from" or was that just me?
You spend months years waiting for them to slee through the night, but the first time they do you wake in a cold sweat worrying they've stopped breathing
That life will never be the same again, but you wouldn't want to go back to pre child days.
No matter how old they get, you don't stop worrying about them.
That you cannot actually generalise and everyone's experience will be unique.

That natural birth (is not induced ) is really not that bad ! Pushed the fella out and went for a shower . Great !

I can so so so recommend the book I Wish Someone Had Told Me by Jennifer Hacker Pearson. It lists all these things. The author is a mum of 3 but also a doctor and she interviewed 1000 mums about what they wish they had known before they had their baby. It is the best book!!!! And I am sure my birth and postnatal period was so great because I knew all of this stuff beforehand from reading the book. After reading it, I have bought a copy for all my pregnant friends who have similarly benefited from it. Cannot recommend it enough

I didn't know a 5 day labour was a thing...cheers midwife!

I never knew about the hormonal sweats about a week after birth. I was dripping.

Pregnancy teaches you and birth affirms that your child now comes first. From the medicine you take (or are not permitted to) to the things you do to the job you undertake to every single thing and way you behave. It's just the way it is and if you haven't done it you really can't comprehend it.

etsiketsi That is so true about flowers. It’s another bloody thing to look after and maintain. I wanted food not flowers!

I wish they told me;

The bad side of breastfeeding. Painful cracked nipples, feeding for hours on end or every 30 mins so that sleeping with them latched on is the only option. Crying because of the pain and wanting to stop but feeling like a failure and a bad parent if you do.

How difficult it is to do simple things like go to the toilet, when baby is going through the needy phase.

How monotonous life can be (especially those who are used to being spontaneous)

Although to be honest, I don't think there is any amount of advice or information that can prepare you for having a baby. Even if someone tells you it's going to be extremely hard, you won't be able to believe it until it's happening to you. But it is worth it and on the plus side, you'll realise you can do alot of things with only one hand

I wish someone had warned me about leaking boobs as I would have got a waterproof mattress protector sooner.
I also failed to get that surge of love just was"Oh,so I'm a mum now".Definitely a case of fake it til you make it.
However good your baby is it will always be unsettled when you want to eat.Coices are to have your food cup up and eat one handed or take it in turns.You will never have a hot cup of tea in peace.

This is a bit gross but here goes:-

If you are constipated, and are sat on the loo, with your poo sat there that you just can’t push out for the pain.

Take some toilet paper, fold it and cover your two fingers, then slightly insert your fingers into your vagina, don’t push them right up, and push against the vaginal/anal wall as you push out your poo. It drastically reduces the pain, and helps push out the poo without you straining too much.

How good the toast is afterwards

That your milk doesn’t come in straight away or flow. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t anything like reality.

Just the whole of day 3/4.