EW being unreasonable...

[exwifehell]

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

Oh and DF is sorting a solicitor and the rest out. Its more of an emotional hand hold I need as I just feel so bloody broken at this stage. I don't understand how we can put so much in to make things work just ot have someone intentionally out to ruin everything out of nothing but spite.

It feels terrible to know I am now dragging into this all, along with my daughter. For a past I wasn't even part of. Nor having to deal with such a nasty woman that is fulled by nothing but spite. How do you counter that?!

Anyone?

Oh bless you love. It honestly sounds like you can’t have done any harm. I do hope things look up for you soon I really do xx

My ex and I get on far better now as I actually do like his wife! Always seems mad to me that you’d want your kids to suffer, she’s definitely the horrid one here not you. Keep being happy x

I wish we could get along, for the childrens sake above all else. We even offered the ExW our sofa when she claimed she was living in hotels due to her brother.

She ignores any email regarding the childrens welfare. To the point of choosing a high school for the eldest with her new DP and didn't even respond to my DF regarding it all.

DF is suffering badly with stress and hurt, and I'm completely drained with it all. Every time something nice happens for us she rears her head to cause problems.

We literally can't have anything that is just for us with joy.

I don't understand it. I never claim to know what went on during their marriage, that isn't my place. But for years now its just been terrible and she seems to be getting worse rather than easing.

I'm so upset we have now ended up having to cancel our wedding. We are currently fighting for a holiday my parents paid for us all.

I just don't know what else to do. Nothing is good enough for her. She tries to ban my DF from talking to his children regarding any concerns she claims they have.

I feel terribly sorry for them. Above all else I am so stressed and hurt she is now using my child as an emotional weapon. She's just a baby. She feeds. Sleeps. Laughs. and poops. The hell could she ever have done wrong?!

It makes me feel like I've made such a big mistake. I've suffered with depression for years anyway, but Ii had managed to control it the last few years and get off medication and a alot better. Yet now I'm back where I started again, dosed up and just feeling so bloody broken.

I know I need to just ignore her drama, but I can't when it directly affects me or my child.

TBH, i don't think thee is anything that you can do but ignore, ignore, ignore.
Block her on social media so that you don't have to see what she puts up.
I'd imagine people are getting the measure of her anyway if she's posting disgusting thing about your child.

Best day of my marriage was the last day when I realised I would no longer have to deal with the ex gf - not even a ew!!
We didn't have a dc but I did.
I feel for you op truly.

Neither of us have SM. We only use it to check hers as its open so we can record the abuse for the courts.

Sadly most don't seem to get her, she paints herself as the worlds best thing while DF is a piece of shit. So a majority of posts get met with a bunch of people agreeing with her about how terrible he must be and by extention how awful I must be to want to be with him. The odd time someone speaks up against her the post is deleted or just flat out ignored.

I do agree I need to learn to ignore now. I just don't know how when it affects so much of our day to day life. I love my DF, he is a brilliant dad and a loving partner. I couldn't be happier in that regard. But he comes with so much shit that just seems never ending.

She is refusing to sign the clean break due to the fact she had to pay their rent/living expenses for a few months when he lost his job. So wants that money back. Ignoring the fact he kept them all for years through his job as she was SAHM. Plus she wants money for the engagement ring he never brought, as she should be owed that?! And for a car that she kept...

She is accusing DF of loving the baby more than SC. That we lock them out of a night to get rid of them (we do lock the door to our bedroom when we go to sleep as our cats fling it open and try to sleep on the baby) . This is explained to the kids every night, and they have no issue with knocking on the door at 5am to ask to go on the xbox, so I don't know how it "makes them frightened and unwanted" . Especially as we only go in there TO sleep, never before. Well, I will about half hour before we go to sleep so I can settle the baby.

SC are amazing with her as well. Play with her, always want her with us, cuddle her as soon as they see her. The eldest is my little shadow with her, helping change nappies and everything. We have offered them time away from her so they don't feel like life has changed too much and they never want to. On discussing their mothers fears with them (addressed as concern so we could support them and make changes if needed) . Both shouted how happy they were with her and the eldest again said life was better with my DC in it.

The children are incredible, I wouldn't change them for the world. But the youngest is starting to be a mouth piece for his mum. Which can make things hard. We never show it to them. Ever. We always say positive things and whenever ExW has denied holiday time we always explain its not due to us not wanting them for longer but that their mummy has made exciting plans already.

Without sounding like a cow myself, she should be happy that the DC have a dad that tries so hard to have them in his life and that their dad has a partner that treats them as their own. Including my own family.

I know if my DF and I seperatted I would want his new partner to include my child and want to be with them.

ExW has admitted in the past jealously regarding the kids coming home happy. I can understand that it must be hard to share your kids, but surely you would rather them happy than sad?

She sounds like a nightmare. Disengage and leave DF to deal with her.

Don't try and show that SC love your DD. They might get aggro from her. They may have to tell her what she wants to hear and your proof may make their lives miserable.

Given that you know she's got form for being awkward I'm surprised that you booked and paid for a wedding before everything was sorted. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Is you DF worth the anxiety and medication? Because you can't control her and he's tied to her forever.

downtown - I had never thought of that and I do hope that won't be the case. I will certainly never do that in future just in case. Although I doubt she would ever show that side of her to the kids beyond the odd slip up when she's lost it in front of them.

He is worth it. I think. At this point its more a case of I don't want my DD to miss out on seeing her dad every day because some witch broke us.

He is a good man otherwise. I feel sorry for him more than myself as like you said he is tied forever no matter what.

And tbh in our ignorance we weren't aware until recently that if we got married she then would have a slim chance on claiming on anything I have as well. Which is why now we've realised we just can't take that risk.

Wny not keep the wedding - but make it a celebration of your relationship? - ditch the official things and just have fun? You can always get the paperwork in order later

In the meantime, an ex can't possibly hold your DP hostage forever, and if she is being unreasonable, a decent lawyer ought to be able to get this before a judge - so long as the relevant amount of separation time has elapsed - and get the document signed by the court

Get legal advice and see if you can get a court to resolve this, yes it's expensive, but she is in batshit territory and you owe it to yourselves and your DC to make sure that there are no risks coming from this woman

You absolutely 100 percent shouldn’t be talking to your SC about their mum or ‘addressing her fears’ that’s your DF’s job as the parent or the ex wife’s job. I have a feeling the SC may be twisting things you say or do to make their mum happy; hence her saying you lock them out / love your dd more because you lock yourself in your room with her for at least 30mins every time they visit. You need to understand that your DD is a resident child, your DF should not be having private time with her when it’s your SC’s turn to have time with him. He can make it up to your DD on the other days as he lives with her.

Hhissy - that is likely what will happen now. We are goin gto court and through solicitors now. Just an expense we are trying to fund!

Cherries - it was with their DF. They talk to me one on one many a time and I even offered to go out the room and they declined. I leave the door open when I go upstairs to put the baby to bed. DF stays with the SC and settles them into bed as well. He only comes to bed and closes the door once they are settled and he is going to sleep himself.

I still think you should end that behaviour when the SC are there. They’re still really young and judging from what you’ve posted they don’t necessarily tell you or their dad if they don’t like something — even secure kids will sometimes be naughty or misbehave or demand things. If they’re on their best behaviour around you that’s a negative sign.

They aren't on their best behaviour. We have slip ups and things that need addressing at times which their DF sorts. I am talking about their relationship with their sibling, not general day to day things.

Hhow can I stop the behaviour of settling my own baby to bed for the night? Or not locking a door that causes a hazzard to my child with our pets?

How old are the step children?

7 and 10

Or not locking a door that causes a hazzard to my child with our pets? Put the cats in another closable room. I understand why you are doing what youare doing and it's reasons but it could smack of locking your family (You, your DF and your DD) in and the SC out.

If we could I would - but sadly our layout means downstairs is all open plan so the only way to block the cats out is by closing the bedroom door. And when we lock them in another room alone the youngest cat ends up in the vets as she has an anxiety thing with her bladder.

I understand how this may look to the SC, I never want them to feel blocked out intentionally. But there is no other way beyond getting rid of my cats which Ii think is unfair on me to do. We make sure to explain to them every evening why it is locked and to just knock and we will jump up and let them in. Which we have done on many an occasion.

i 100% understand why you tried to reason with her - i've done the same with my OH ex.

you can't reason with batshit

it made her worse.

Whatever she says/does, ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

Don't allow her the space in your day to day to influence anything

we've been told what to watch on telly, where to take the DC on OH weekends, what NOT to take the DC to.

I won't tolerate a second of it.
court is the only way to deal with these kinds of people - 99/100 they are cowards, and try to bully others to feel good about themselves

Why can't you just shut the door to keep the cats out? Why do you need to lock it?

Sorry to interrupt - but what's DF?

Your post suggests you’re chosing your cats over the SC. I think if they are such a hazard to your DD that you need to lock them (and your SC) out then they shouldn’t be around at all. Appreciate it’s just your SC right now — but imagine if there was a fire and a locked door either prevented you and your DD / DF getting out / prevented you from getting to your SC in time. This is not a tenable situation and if I was the ex-wife in this situation, bad feeling aside, I wouldn’t believe my children would be safe in that kind of situation either.

I mean. I have cats - they can't open the door. Change the handle to a turn one with a knob, not a up and down lever, if you have to. Locking the door is something that seems really weird to me. Especially if you have young-ish children in the house.