EW being unreasonable...

[exwifehell]

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

It's sensible to only go through a solicitor if they aren't agreeing and are emotionally winding each other and you up. It removes that emotional reaction.

You know you don't have to get on with her? I can't say I get on with my ex's new wife, I have literally nothing to do with her.

I think when I read "locked door" I thought of the locks I have in my house, which have a key and you turn the key to lock them, and what you have described is different. My bathroom has a turn on one side and a flat thing that you can put a coin in on the other, to open it, but I still wouldn't be happy with that - and I am sure that the ex is imagining a key with a lock type.

A woman who admitted a few years ago she was jealous over how much fun they come back saying they have and how much they like me

Considering what it appears they've got at home I can't say I blame them, but stand by anyway ... you're probably about to be told that you're completely to blame for "rubbing her nose in it"

Also to say, sometimes it's not that the other person is being unreasonable - it's that they can't see a way through. I have my lines in the sand, the stuff that matters to me, and my ex has his, and when we were married we had to compromise, and now that we aren't we don't have to.

So I will draw my line in the sand (locked doors from your example, kids left on their own younger than I am happy to in ours) and it goes to court for a determination, and that's ok - that's sometimes what has to happen if the parents can't agree.

The ex knows exactly the type of lock, when the whole issue was raised it was shown via email. I do agree that it is something we need to work on changing somehow. I am just not sure how as it seems any lock is considered terrible here, even a proper double sided one which Ii didn't know existed until now. And we can't replace the door due to the layout needing a foldback door. Nor is getting rid of our cats an option.

I do just want the best. I know kids say what each parent wants to hear but we talk to them about it every night before bed about how they can come in etc and they seemed perfectly fine regarding it. So much so they were happy to come in anyway mulitple times since its been in place. So it seemed like a non-issue.

op, stop explaining yourself. you will never ever win with the ex wives club.

Giants it honestly isn't her just having a different idea to things than DF.

She won't even allow them a short holiday to DISNEY paris of all places because again by her own admission she wanted to take them there. This was then turned into something else and she used the kids as a weapon to not want to go. Apparently. They say differently here. So who knows which part is true. She intentionally told them it was a different country (which granted it is) rather than reassuring them it wasn't THAT far and would only be for one extra night to what they were used to.

When we offered (begged over the years actually) to have them for that period of time a few times so they got used to it, she ignored every email regarding it.

Flaming - tbh at this point I feel like I need to. I am so tired of constantly being a sack of shit just because I'm a step parent.

I do EVERYTHING for those kids and live my life focusing on helping DF sort everything so all children can be happy.

I've been willing to suck up so much purely for the sake of the SC. I have ended up missing out on a lot for the sake of them not feeling like they;ve lost out either as their mother has prevented it somehow.

I've done my best. I really have.

Why should me, my dd and my df come right at the bottom OF EVERYTHING just because EW demands it? Purely out of admitted jealously, resentment and hate?

Each email my DF sends is very official etc, each one she sends is full of abuse and cruelty. To admitting to using the kids to spite him on multiple occasions.

I wouldn't personally take my kids somewhere that I knew my ex wanted to take them to - if I knew he wanted to take them to Disney, I would go somewhere else (but I hate Disney and wouldn't go there in a million years).

What does his court order say re contact? I would have stuck to that and only that, for the sake of the kids, because mine needed to know when they were where.

It wasn't done intentionally - it was a gift from my parents for us all. Ii would never spite her on purpose. But at this point surely you would do what is the best for your kids and just suck it up yourself rather than making them miss out? I know I would for my DD. Especially when its the first family holiday we would be taking with our newborn. How would that look to them to know we all went to disney and left them behind?!

Court order says EOW and holidays to be agreed between both parties.

Most weekends of his she takes away for some event. And tells him to tell them no if he doesn't like it himself. effectively putting him in the position of being known as the dad that stopped them doing something fun with their mum or the dad that doesn't want to see them enough to allow her to take time on his.

Regarding disney as well - She first threatened for him to pay her extra money monthly for her to consider it. Then said we could take them, allowed us to tell the kids. Then went back on it. Which is one of the reasons he is going back to court as he doesn't want to let them down.

She does it on purpose to make him look bad.

exwifehell I can understand everything you have just said, and in fact I have (and still sometimes do!) feel exactly the same.

you absolutely shouldn't come bottom of the list, and none of the kids should miss out because of some bitter woman who cant move on with her life (because that's what it is, someone who was happy wouldn't cause trouble like this)

the comfort I take out of it is that I must be doing a good job. Dps ex is jealous of me, what we've worked for and what we've got. she's jealous that SS chose to live with us. She's jealous that her future is bleak compared to ours. She has had years to move on, to improve her prospects, but she has chosen not to.

Similarly in your situation, she could move on with her own life but she has chosen no to, and to try and fuck yours up instead. Its just jealousy. if she's jealous of you, you must be doing something right.

none of this reflects badly on you, it reflects badly on her.

Wow everyone is quite concerned about that locked door aren't they op!
My dc are a bit older than your sdc. We have a sliding lock on our bedroom door that can't be opened from the outside. We have it for privacy (shock horror!) and lock it some evenings so that if the dc wake up they won't walk in and see something the don't need to see! Occasionally I will forget to unlock it and the dc will knock the door in the morning. Never considered it a concern before and all the hysteria on this post about ' safety' is crazy! Most of the parents I know have a look on their bedroom door. Especially if they have older dc who are likely to stay up until late.

I have no advice about how to deal with issues with EW though but reading all the stuff about the lock I just wanted to say I don't think there is anything wrong at all having a lock on the door. Posters saying it a problem do you all have young dc?

Exactly that. The kids by her
Own admission beg to come here. So we know they are happy.

All I wanted was a bit of support on how to deal with a difficult situation and suddenly I'm a wicked step mother 🤨

Ok so I probably class as the ex wife's club but....

Do be careful with yourself. Sometimes it's just that we can't see the other persons perspective or bigger picture. Therefore we experience things as more traumatic than they are.

Be careful youre not missing the element of truth, like in the locked door example. Just because the ex raises it doesn't mean it's necessarily wrong.

It isn't just that kids tell the other side what they want to hear. It's sometimes they raise stuff with the parent they feel most happy talking about these stuff with.

Posters saying it a problem do you all have young dc?

Not now but have had. I also know a family who had big trouble with social services and a locked door and they had way better reasons. There's just no way I'd ever do it

Greeneggs- I completely get and agree with everything you've said. That is always a concern. We never just assume it's her making things up, which is why it is always addressed with the kids.

Sadly that is all we can do. EW won't allow for DF and her to ever have a civil discussion for their benefit. Any try to just results in abuse and arguments. So even trying 5o get the pair of them together with the kids would not be beneficial for them. As it would be in any healthy coparent relationship.

Beyond taking their word when we know they are happy enough to voice concerns otherwise I'm not sure what else can be done.

OP - there are some seriously odd responses on here.

You sound like a lovely SM to your DF's children.

Take some time for yourself and step back and IGNORE her.

Focus on the kids - keep taking family video - you ARE their family, too and it's normal to take home movies.

Let the legal bods do their job - they know better than anyone on MN.

I try. I feel like everything I've said has been twisted and turned into something horrid and any focus on the fact I 100% love them has been ignored!

From what you've told us, it sounds as though you're doing fine. You're not a wicked stepmother at all.

What Tistheseason17 said above.

Just to make this clear to everyone claiming she ie being reasonable

This is a woman that:

Stopped contact including phone calls for three months purely because we moved in together.

Moved her partner in less than a year of knowing him and made the kids call him dad/all over social media him being so.

Said my unborn baby shouldnt be born and my DF should leave me.

Claimed it was all too soon - yet a few months later was claiming they were planning on trying when still being together less time than us.

Multiple vile public posts about what a sack of shit my DF is despite him doing everything in his power for them.

Had her mum sending abuse to him.

Was told in court 5here was no safety risks or anything and had everything she tried to do thrown away yet went on SM declaring he lost and she won.

Forever is telling him "what are you going to do about it" hen she ignores the court order.

Shouted abuse in front of the children and threw things in and at the car while they were in it.

Acts in an unreasonable or abusive way then goes on SM twisting the sides around and claiming that was what he done to her.

Along with a million other things. She is not a reasonable, caring woman looking out for her kids. There is no denying she loves her children but all she does to DF is to use the kids as a weapon as she wants to shut down the facr he is their father and promote the new one as their dad.

I also know a family who had big trouble with social services and a locked door and they had way better reasons. There's just no way I'd ever do it

I assume this was not the reason social services were involved in the first place though?

there is a big difference between locking a door, and being a neglectful parent and social services picking up on a locked door.

Apologises I know I'm rehashing the door issue BUT I had the horror of experiencing a house fire when I was a child and I would strongly advocate looking at what else you can do with that door (regardless of step children). if an alarm was triggered and there is smoke it's easy to get disorientated. Every second counts.

But also at some point you might have a second child and you really won't want a lock between you and a toddler (especially when you are sleep deprived and getting up and down half a dozen times a night).

Please ignore her, OP.
She is clearly very bitter, still.

Things will get better but only when you take the focus away from her and to you, your DF and the shared children. Don't let her be the focus of everything you do. Keep saying nice things and you will be fine.

op, dps ex is like this. she assaulted dp in the street in front of his child.

she still claims all over facebook that she is the best mummyyyy evvvaaaaaaahhhh

we know its a load of old shite so we ignore it. don't rise to it. don't let it get to you.

I know its hard, and there have been many many times where I have wanted to text her and tell her what an awful human being and pathetic example of a mother she is, but I haven't because people like that - they don't give a shit.

dps ex genuinely doesn't understand that she has done anything wrong. she will still tell people 8 years later that they split up because he was cheating on her with me, we had not even met when they split up, and didn't until about 18 months after. we didn't get in a relationship until 2 years after their split. She knows this, but she tells everyone else a story because she wants to believe its true.

she has convinced herself over the years how badly done to she is, and how she deserves more, and how awful we both are.

ss lives with us through his own choice, and that says it all.

try and let it go, as hard as that may be!

Flaming - I am so sorry you amd your DP have to deal with that. She sounds awful.

I think with mine, she cheated and left him, for a while he hung around trying to get her back as he didn't want to lose his family. I think she thought she would always have him as a back up when it suited. She knew he had moved on for a while, but seeing him settle down with someone and forge a real relationship she shat herself. At one point even tried getting him back, messages I have seen. Yet on SM claims he was still wanting to be with her but I was essentially the second choice.

How have you found finding ways to cope on managing to make life less about the ex and more about your family? I constantly feel drained as everything good we have gets taken over by her causing drama.

An hour after my daughter was born my DP was fighting for her to let him collect the kids to meet her. I didn't even get a few hours to just recover from a very bad birth without her causing a scene.