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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EW being unreasonable...

218 replies

exwifehell · 30/10/2018 10:16

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/10/2018 13:48

you lock the door whether you SDC are there or not, so that is the drill! that's what has to happen in your home.

that's it. that's all that's important. Sod everyone else

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 13:49

You wouldn't believe your children were safe because we have to stop a cat trying to snuggle (and my worried brain, smother) a baby in our sleep? Are you for real?! Our cats are no risk to the children at all. They just love to cuddle up to anyone with warmth. Nor am I choosing them over my SC. I love my SC. But I refuse to get rid of two much loved pets for something that can be resolved in another way. I am depressed enouhj and have given up enough in my life for the children and my DF.

OP posts:
cjt110 · 30/10/2018 13:50

Get a crate or similar to put the cats in at night. Leave the door open and UNLOCKED

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 13:50

I wouldn't send my kids somewhere where there was a locked door between them and an adult in the case of a fire.

And it would make me incandescent if their sibling from a new relationship was on the "right" side of the locked door and my kids were locked out and left on their own. It's sending an absolutely clear message.

You are choosing to put your cats above your step children.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 13:51

Its a fold in door as its the only one that fits in that nook of our house, she gets her claws underneath it and pings it open. Why would I lie about that? I would never lock them out unless that was the case. Believe me the first few days of bringing my baby home and realising the cat was able to open that door was a shock to myself as well. As before then I had never closed it.

OP posts:
Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 13:51

Get a turn handle not a lever handle, the cats won't be able to open that.

CircleOfStrife · 30/10/2018 13:52

You need this book OP but it'll only work if your DP is on board:

www.amazon.co.uk/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity/dp/1514683814/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&qid&sr

Some of it's a bit harsher than I feel comfortable with but the basic message is 'you can't change their behaviour, only your reaction to it.' Advice you've seen before I'm sure, but because it's written specifically in context of dealing with difficult exes it resonates a lot more. It was like reading a script of that part of my life!

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 13:52

Get a different door.

You are choosing an animal over children.

And that's not on.

Said as an owner of cats and dogs.

No way would my kids be in your house with a locked door between them and their father at night. Especially when you were making sure your own child was safe and had adult protection on the right side of the door.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 13:53

You mean a newborn baby right? Where else am I meant to put her?!
I am NOT picking my cats over the SC. I am trying to find ideas for other ways to deal with an issue (which according to SC is a non-issue btw) so I can keep everyone else happy. Getting rid of my pets is not an option I will consider when they are no risk to the SC. And if anything the SC would be VERY upset to find them gone on the next visit at they adore them also.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 30/10/2018 13:53

There is no reasonable reason for you to lock the door at night because you have cats op. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt but I actually agree with others that a closed door should be enough. I think you like locking the SC out and having time with your DD and DF apart from them because there’s no reason for you to do it otherwise. I absolutely wouldn’t believe any child is safe in a house where you’re locking them in a room at night. Also, a cat could smother your baby at any time. Not just when she’s in her cot!!!

GreenEggsHamandChips · 30/10/2018 13:54

Kids need access to a parent especially at night. You can't lock them out. That's a major welfare issue!!!

Youre lucky you still have ANY overnight contact under those conditions.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 13:54

I'm not making sure my own child is safe over my SC! Jesus. She's a new born baby I have no choice but to have her next to my bed! You're twisting everything I'm sayuing to imply I'm some wicked stepmother with the sister snuggled up behind my door!

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 30/10/2018 13:55

Previous poster had a good point. How would you feel if your DF’s new partner locked your baby in the wrong side of a room at night?

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 13:55

You get a cat net.

You supervise your cats around the baby.

You crate the cats.

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable on this part at least. I wouldn't be at all happy to have my kids locked out. What if there is a fire?

Cherries101 · 30/10/2018 13:56

This is definitely a child safety issue.

Aprilislonggone · 30/10/2018 13:56

Locked /shut /stiff /open - fuck all to do with ew!!

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 13:56

She isn't left alone with my cats any other time. If I habe a daytime nap I take us both upstairs and lock the door again. So she isn't in danger apart from when we are all fast asleep.

We do not have special time alone when the SC are here. I take her literally to put her to bed and DF only comes up himself once he is falling asleep. The door is closed the moment both our eyes drop.

Ii do understand the perspective of the saftey issue though, that is something I hadn't considered and will be something I will need to address somehow,.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 30/10/2018 13:57

Just crate the cats or get rid. This is not worth the brain space to stress over. You could always get cats when your dd is a bit older.

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 13:57

Well, lock the baby safe in another room then. And you go in and out to tend to her and lock the door again when you're done.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 13:57

I will stress that we aren't locking ourselves in to play happy families without SC. It is purely when ALL are asleep of a night. There is no favoritising and the only reason my DD is in our room is because she is a newborn and HAS to be. I'm not prioritising her.

OP posts:
Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 13:58

And you absolutely choosing your cats over your stepchildren. And that's not really on.

What age is your baby?

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 13:59

Get cats when they are older? Like animals are just possessions to replace and alternate?

Nor can a newborn not sleep next to her mother. That is an increase risk of SIDS.

I think you are both being overly harsh.

Saftey issue is something I will address. Getting rid of my pets or kicking a newborn away from their mother is just ridiculous. When neither causes the SC any stress. If anything would call SC more stress as they would be upset over the loss of the cats and woken by a baby that won't settle without their mum.

OP posts:
GreenEggsHamandChips · 30/10/2018 14:00

It's not even emotional wellbeing (which is really bad) It's actually about physically safeguarding the children who have no access to a parent overnight.

It so bloody obviously wrong it's really worrying that you can't see that.

stubbornstains · 30/10/2018 14:00

Shouldn't be too difficult to find some kind of latch that a 7 year old can open and a cat can't. Maybe just a hook and eye attachment 4- 5 ft off the ground?

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 14:01

Why can't you and the newborn go into another room and lock that door for the nights that your step children are there?

I can't actually believe you're doing this and don't see what's wrong with it.

If you can't sort your door so that the cats can't open it, then the small human beings come above the cats and the cats have to be rehomed.