EW being unreasonable...

[exwifehell]

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

She sounds fucking nuts and so jealous. Dunno why anyone would deprive their own children like this. Hope you get it settled through court, although no doubt she will say that you are cruel and abusive for that too.

The last time DF took her to court due to her refusing access she claimed exactly that! Also any issues she claims they have here, apparently it would be cruel and abusive for DF to talk to them about... surely if they have issues here the best person to talk to them is DF?! Or even better, both parents together so they feel safe to talk.

She intentionally alienates him. She took new guy to the eldest high school picking. Wouldn't even respond to DF regarding when they were going etc..

Why would you have booked and paid for a wedding OP when he wasn't legally divorced yet? How bizarre.

She sounds absolutely awful.
But very very predictable?
Why on earth did you book a wedding before he was even divorced?!
It’s not fair that you’re going through this, but you also need to think about your choices.
Like when your child was born - actually no it didn’t need to be ruined by your boyfriend fighting with his wife an hour later about his children coming over. Come on, you know that was only going to be drama. He should have stayed with you and had the fight the next day.
Why book holidays when you haven’t already completed court orders to give him specific weeks of holiday?

Sadly you’ve got the long haul with her behaviour, so you need to make careful decisions. Shit that you have to, but I can’t understand why you would book a wedding when he isn’t divorced and has a wife who you know will behave this badly.

I can’t understand why you would book a wedding when he isn’t divorced - you can get divorced without a clean break order. DP and his ex divorced 5 years ago but only last year got the clean break order as it was an extra expense he just couldn't afford at the time. It would've been done a lot sooner but it took her almost a year to sign it!

OP you sound like a fab stepmum. Hope you get things sorted soon although it sounds like you're in it for the long game

Dear God this post is like a witch hunt, give the woman a break. She is trying her best in a really tough situation. If she didn't take photos and videos of the kids you would all be saying she clearly doesn't like the kids and pushes them out but because she does she is turning them into dancing monkeys. I can see why some of you are concerned about the door but social services told me I had to put a stair gate on my children's door after my youngest attempted to escape at 4 in the morning once. I changed the type of locks on the front door and put up the gate. So I'm sure you will now bash me for a fire hazard too but if social services don't see it as a risk I don't see what your all getting so worked up about

Why did you set up a new username and new thread instead of continuing this one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3404087-To-be-upset?pg=1&order=?
You've had other usernames and threads as well, at the time your baby was born about wanting the step children to see her, I can't be bothered to look for those as well.

It's fine to keep venting about the same things, but you slightly change what you say e.g. your message to EW in the OP as "polite" and later you admit that it wasn't. It doesn't sound like she's being particularly reasonable, but you devote many paragraphs to the same complaints. You're trying to convince people about your character and I don't know why, but I suspect it is linked to your PND and that cycling over and over the same issues won't help you. In your last thread you got some useful advice about mentally noting the specific problems and then doing something else. You need to focus on getting mentally strong, so that you are able to handle issues (whether EW or other) without getting so upset.

Get a bedroom door that closes properly without a lock.We have some that push open but have fixed the guest(junk)room and dds as not everyone appreciates a cat sitting on them.Unless they grow opposable thumbs they won't get in
Whatever the reasons you scroll see it as being locked out.

Its rare that a post makes me so cross that I can't read any further. The OP's mental health is suffering because of the behaviour of her DF's ex and so many of you pile in to criticise her over one small thing which she admits might be an overreaction to wanting to keep her small baby safe.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I've always tried to be the opposite of the ex you describe OP, I'm sorry that you got lumbered with someone who is happy to use their children as a weapon. I hope things improve for you over time

What she's doing to her children, sounds abusive to me. Wouldn't it be better for them if your partner became the resident parent instead of her? Have you both considered this?

Sorry I've just seen these replies.

I change my username now and then because I'm very worried of exW seeing these and linking them together and causing more problems

DF was divorced, has been for years. Clean break was the last bit which even her own father said she had no reason to sign. Nor were we aware (I've never been divorced and DF is a bit dopey st times) thatbonce we marry she had a chance of claiming on anything I have. I risk I can't take for my little girls sake.

I do agree a lot of this is over stress to me due to the pnd. I suffer badly with anxiety and depression anyway so that and the hassle has made me very stressed.

I have told DF he needs to take control of rhe situation in future and I will be taking a step back. I can't handle it anymore. And as much as I love the kids it shouldnt be me making sure their dad fights for them. I should just be supporting him while he does. I have told him if he doesn't fight on his own my opinion of him will change and it will make me reconsider my own future with him. I fell in love with a man that loved his children. Regardless of his reasons, a man who loves his children puts them first and not himself.

So time will tell.

Thank you all for your help and support. I appreciate every comment, even the not so nice ones as it has helped ke see another side to it all. And at the end of the day all I want is to do right by my family and that includes my step kids.

Oh and the message was polite. Just slightly blunt in the parts in regards to her using my daughter as a weapon and saying how she shouldn'thave been born. As I'm sure anyone would be.

I made it very clear to her that I love the children and look after them. But that I am tired of the drama and the hassle at every turn. That she is coming across very jealous and bitter and how she acts out whenever something positive happens for myself and my partner as a couple.

So polite in the sense it wasn't written abusively. But to the point.

Also I do agree that the birth didn't need to become about her acting out and could have waited. But DF was hoping to bring the children to see her in the hospital. That being denied upset him understandably.

What about your partner becoming resident parent?

Did polite include the bit where you called her a jealous cow though?

I don’t disagree that she’s a jealous cow or think YABU for saying so. But I don’t think you can call it a polite letter!

As you say, time to step back and let your boyfriend deal with it.

That was the not so polite part! I admit not all was perfectly written. But it took me a few hours to write that as calmly as I could! In my head I was thinking a lot worse!

I would be happy to see DF become resident parent but it would mean children would have to change schools, leave the home they are used to and leave their mum. In the long run it wouldn't be beneficial for them.

It's not beneficial for them to witness the way their mother behaves, and if she's trying to poison them against their father, that's parental alienation, which the courts don't like.

I've said this to my DF. I've looked at the cafcass guidelines for how they see this. She hits a lot of the points. Frequently.

It's near on impossible to prove in court though isn't it?

I would hope the intentional ignoring of emails regarding contact/welfare would be enough to have the courts see she hasn't the kids best interests at heart. And that is without the shouting in front of them, abusive emails to df and the calling crying trying to get them to come home on DF contact time.

and the calling crying trying to get them to come home on DF contact time.

See, that's emotional abuse.