EW being unreasonable...

[exwifehell]

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

That would have made for a very different post -papa!

She has ignored the socilitors email regarding the clean break and the deadline to reply. So he is starting proceedings for court regarding that now. He is also in the process of finding the extra money for court regarding her ignoring the contact order when it suits her.

Junk food now and then isn't a huge issue, jesus. It's a treat. It shouldnt result in screaming what a bad dad he is when the SC can hear clearly.

I have decided to disengage a little, I love the SC and that will never change. But for my own sanity I need space from the whole situation until things calm down. I'm very hurt, we both are. But I need to keep some sanity to be a good mum to my own dd.

Just on the locked door thing. Surely you must be able to get a type of lock that can be easily opened from either side including a child but not by a cat? Even changing the door handle to a door knob would probably solve that.

The lock can be opened from their side. Changing the handle won't work as it's a folding door and the cat pings it open from underneath.

It's essentially just closing the door like any normal door, not locking them out at all. Purely the cat as thankfully she hasn't developed thumbs yet!

I would just like to address the general attitude towards fathers and step mums. Its very sad that they can't run a home like the mother does, they can't make choices regarding fast food without being considered abusive.

It seems whatever a dad or stepmum does is wrong, unless you are following the exact rules and expectations as the mother. Even including not being able to do the same as the mum because clearly if it's the dad doing it it is done out of spite.

Any nasty actions from the mother should just be expected and taken. But the moment the dad has any say regarding HIS children as well, suddenly it's wrong.

In a perfectly healthy nice situation it would be lovely if mothers could give fathers and step mums a chance. For the children's sake ALL people involved should be able to get along.

I can not stress enough that is exactly what we both tried to do. For a long time.

Despite abuse and shit we still offered her our sofa when she claimed she was living in hotels. We sung to her tune in general for a long time.

That only changed when the abuse started affecting the children. Including my own.

It changed when court orders were ignored. When weddings had to be cancelled purely because she was being spiteful. When she wouldn't even respond to my fiances emails regarding what was going on with high schools. Yet she was dragging her own partner along for it all and declaring him the worlds best dad while my partner apparently didn't care.

When public posts were made that had flipped the sides on the shit that had gone on. Things she had done she claimed he had.

I could do a huge dinner, with dessert and treats etc for them. Then an hour later when they were home she would be declaring we starve and don't feed them.

But yeah, I guess as a father moving on with life that should be considered disgusting and the step mum awful no matter how much they do. But a mum can be considered the best and have no fault even if she does the same.

It is a very sad and disgusting attitude. And is the type of thing that ends up causing the kids to lose out massively. Above all else that is the saddest thing.

I envy step parents that have a nice relationship with the mother/father. Not only for them, but for the kids. They are the biggest losers when parents start acting out of spite just to hurt the other.

And yes, the mothers see things and know things the father doesn't.

But that goes both ways. We see kids crying their eyes out because the mum decided to call begging them to come home and crying down the phone when they said no. On my DF contact time. My DF had to sleep on the bed with the eldest just until they calmed down. Which wasnt until the morning.

We see the DC get upset and awkward when they hear their mum kicking off for nothing. DC that get sad every time they go home.

Children that get anxious the moment their battery is low because they know their mum watches their tracker.

There are two sides to absolutely everything. The only way to know and find the truth is having a healthy relationship with the other parent.

The kids suffer. You guys need to remember that if you consider those actions acceptable.

The mother isn't the only one who "knows" the kids or how they feel.

I wonder if those complaining about the 'locked' door kept their own dc in the bedroom with them until they were not only confidently mobile but also able to reach and use the door handle? What a fire risk otherwise (or, you know, made up bullshit to whack a poster in distress with).

OP, I agree with those saying find a way to step back from it. Ask DH top answering the phone when driving so it's not on speaker and just ignore her existence as far as possible.

Good luck in court

We've had a similar hellish few years, police sent frequently, unsubstantiated safeguarding reports etc etc etc despite a shared residency order and immaculate behaviour from us throughout.

Fathers are very definitely discriminated against, mothers can get away with crazy behaviour whereas fathers can't afford one wrong step. The system is a disgrace and needs to stop being sexist and discriminatory against men and to remove the overriding belief held by a lot of women that they own or have complete control over children with fathers just playing the role of an incompetent and berated babysitter when it suits.

Aaaand breathe.

OP, you have my complete sympathy. Don't engage, remove the tracking phone and turn it off (Take the worry away from the child - the courts will see you being tracked as unreasonable anyway) and take everything through the courts. Record everything and send polite, formal firm replies and communications to EW. Get cctv and dashcams for your car to protect yourself. Only deal with EW by message so everything is recorded. Call out all bad behaviour to EW, school or other agencies in writing.

Good luck xxx

We would insist on the phone being handed over at night and it was switched off

This to stop the early morning calls to wind SD up by dripping poison, manipulation or basic grilling

We’d all go to sleep after a happy busy day, putting a happy, chilled child to bed but wake up to a basketcase

Watching a little girl get more and more anxious, going into rapid cycle behaviour in the lead up to a phone call with her ‘d’m would break my heart

The early morning calls convince me that she knows full well what she’s doing to her own dc.

Sadly the SD won't part with her phone and any way to force it would only reflect badly on my DF and in turn affect his relationship with his daughter. She isn't allowed it at all at her mothers home so it's completely obvious what it is being used for.

Mother is now flat out refusing to respond to any emails regarding the holiday and (yet again) getting confirmation they can go and the deadline to pay the final amount is soon. My parents don't feel happy about shelling out even more money on something that may not happen (and we can't afford to take the cost ourselves). Nor can I blame them. So now we are stuck in the awful position of potentially having to tell two children they won't be able to come.

For a mother that claims she's concerned they are being pushed out by the baby (they aren't!) how on earth will it look to those children if we all still go together (it's a big family trip with my sister and her spawn as well) and leave them behind :( .

My dad is heartbroken as he said himself all he wanted to do is make sure the SC knew they were just as much a part of this family as anyone else.

Instead all it's done is cause hurt to all of us and now the SC. All because a mother is choosing to act spitefully towards my DF than do what would be right and best for the kids.

I'm sure the ex wife club will be on here in a minute saying the trip should be cancelled and my nieces and nephews and the rest of us should miss out instead. But the honest truth is I'm so tired of running my life on the dictatorship on a spiteful ex. I will protect the SC as much as I can but not at the expense of hurting other people as well.

No one should be getting hurt on something that was nothing but a kind and nice gesture from my parents.

Love, your Dad is the parent. that's what his job is. In our case it was resisted, but dad insisted and said that it was his job to protect her and this was one way that he could do it.

She can have it with her when she's at home, but either the tracker comes off it or disabled or it stays at home when you go out.

HE needs to tell his dd that the phone is being used to spy on them, on her and that this can't happen. He can reassure his DD that he will deal with the fall out.

You can get this holiday thing dealt with by specific issues order. GEt some advise pronto.

I will speak to my DF. I do agree this needs to be nipped in the bud somehow. I do always feel very cautious about either of us saying anything negative regarding their mum though. We always speak well of her in front of the children as we never want them to feel they need to take sides or judge the other.

Specific issue order wouldn't be able to happen in time, we have a couple weeks at best. Nor do I think now court ball is rolling with the other issue he would be able yo afford to go back to family court on top of that just yet as ye has just had to shell out a load to a solicitor.

It's sad. We only told the kids when she finally agreed. (After a few months of no, pay me more money and I'll think about it) . We never would have otherwise. They are going to feel so unloved and unwanted when that is far from the case. We discussed it last night and my DF has said that he will just have to explain that for whatever reason their mum didn't think it was best for them and to ask her why. I'm not sure what else in regards to that we can do without [redacted] intentionally making himself look bad to them. But as I said earlier I hate the idea they will then feel the need to pick sides.

Children shouldnt be involved in such a mess. They suffer so much.

This post was edited by MNHQ

Op I’ve reported your last post because I think you have named your partner.

When my exh told me I couldn't see our dc anytime over Christmas (pd because I had the balls to ltb), we had Christmas day on the 24 th!! I left a lovely letter from Santa on the mat, saying I knew they would not be there on the 25 th so for them I would visit early!! We put stockings out on the 23rd, had turkey dinner, the whole shebang.
It really was amazing!
We had a spectacular day!
And the added bonus exh was fucking raging when he found out.
Just an idea.

Thank you conundrum! I've had to correct myself a few times as I've been typing that must have slipped past.

The Christmas thing is what we do on boxing day:) she doesn't allow DF to see them on either Christmas eve or Christmas day as she would miss them too much 🤨 court order states it's meant to be alternated but that's yet another ignored aspect. Another thing on the list of things DF is going back to court for.

It's amazing that it seems to be the ones who leave a marriage or relationship end up being the ones most spiteful or bitter in regards to the kids. Seems quite a common trend from what I have seen. Especially if then the injured party moves on and is happy. DF exW was reasonably civil up until he was settled and happy again.

I feel for the SC most of all. But I feel a lot of guilt for the kids on my side that will be hurt by them not going away as they were excited (they are friends) and the hurt its caused my parents, me and DF.

One woman's spite has managed to ruin a lovely holiday and memory for everyone. For what?

It's a shame as I have dated people with kids in the past and we've all gotten along well for the sake of the kids. DF and I were both hoping that would be the same this time. Clearly not.

"t's amazing that it seems to be the ones who leave a marriage or relationship end up being the ones most spiteful or bitter in regards to the kids. Seems quite a common trend from what I have seen. Especially if then the injured party moves on and is happy."

In DH's ex's case it was because DH moving on and being happily married to someone else didn't fit with her script that she was driven to have an affair leave him because of what a terrible human being he is and no one else could possibly put up with him. Of course that can be also be true in the case of useless or abusive partners but they tend to be the ones who aren't bothered about consistently seeing their kids and/or paying maintenance (unless it's purely to hurt the mum).

Oh of course! If they are now able to have a happy, healthy relationship despite the hassle the ex causes, while still paying above odds csa and constantly fighting to do MORE with the children, then clearly they must have been wrong about them!

DF exW even tried to get back with him when she first knew we were together. But of course she will tell everyone he was the one still after her (I saw the exchange though and it was in black and white clear as day!) .

What frustrates me is they must know they are in the wrong to be switching the versions of events regarding the children around on anything public (and one can assume behind closed doors) . So why on earth continue acting that way knowing you are hurting your children :(

Just for another point of view here (and I know I’m late to the thread but just read the whole thing). I was a child from a family where my father left and then remarried another woman.

My step mum was awful. She used to work nights (as I do now) but because of this, she insisted my father take my sister and I out the house every morning at 6am so that she could sleep. My dad did this and used to take us to the local airport as nowhere else was open!! She also didn’t like us to sit on her sofa and used to get annoyed with us very often. The first time she met me and my sister she told us off when my dad went to the toilet for arguing.

Anyway point being, you sound like an amazing step mum. Please don’t let ex wife make you think or feel otherwise. I’d have loved a step mum like you. You sound like you genuinely love and care for your step children as if they were your own. So please don’t stop that. You’re doing an amazing job by the sounds of it so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Firsttime- I'm so sorry you went through all that. It must have made you feel second class all along. No child should feel that way. Or be treated how you were.

I do love my step children. It's hard at times. But nothing in life is worth having without a little work.

I have spoken to my DF this weekend about everything and (hopefully) he will be more on the ball with things with his ex so she has less impact on our lives and the children.

He sent a couple emails telling ex that if she refuses Disney the kids will feel pushed out and if she cares for them she should put them before a point scoring contest between them. She never replied. It's very sad. I'm dreading next weekend when we have to explain to them they can't come :(

Df is dear friend or dear father so which on is it? O.o

Fiancé in this case

That is so confusing for my tired brain lol

Sorry, I didn't realise how many variations there was. I'm wondering how many posts I've read so wrong now!

It's DP - dear partner or DH - dear husband in this circumstance lol you are just going to have to wait until court unfortunately

Long live the constant battle and stress of court huh?

If everyone just put the kids first none of this would need to happen.

Surely no one can actually be the best parent they can be while they are so run down with the stress of court. Nor can someone be such a good parent if they are constantly choosing spite over what is best for the kids.

The only ones that truly suffer are the step kids. And in future my little one may suffer from not having as many memories with them as she should.