EW being unreasonable...

[exwifehell]

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

Just an FYI the mother locks her bedroom door at home so they are used to it. It isn't us being an arse.

Iit was used as an example as just ONE issue. That is all. Granted I could have used the worse ones but then that would have been too outting.

Kids wasting time banging on the door will be terrifying for them, more than if they can run right in. I'd also be concerned that a locked door would mean I wouldn't hear/smell fire or burglar.

I do also think there's an emotional element (which the OP has recognised) of locking in the "family" and leaving the step kids on the outside of that locked door. And I'd bet the court would have concerns about it.

OP I haven't read the whole thread, but what resonated with me is your reaction to how the EW behaves. It is causing you a get amount of stress and anxiety which is EXACTLY what she wants. Cut off her oxygen in the way you react, she thrives off knowing that she is winding you up. Once you recognise what her behaviour is about, then you need to try and not let it affect you. I have a EA ex, and its taken me almost 20 months to put my foot down and not react to his goady nasty messages. All I keep saying to myself is "I can't control what he says or does, but I can control how I react to it". Its my reaction that causes me stress.

Anyway, my point is, don't let this dominate your life. You and your DF know the SC are happy when they are with you, YOU know they love their little sister. They know they are happy at you house. So ignore all the shit that comes form the Mum.

You have a lovely family there, focus on that. You mention depression in your first post, are you getting help for that at the moment?

I would want my children to be able to get to the adults in a hurry if there was an emergency

It's hardly as if OP has turned the room into Fort Knox, is it? Did you not notice she said "the door is able to be opened by the children still ... all they need to do is twist it like they would when they've used the loo"?

I'd imagine a 7 and a 10 year old could manage that, and that the adults could get out to help with an escape without needing an axe and the SAS

Since OP's already said she'll revisit this (largely imaginary) safety issue, why pile on her any more?

The door is locked on the side the kids are on by the sounds of it. Easier for them to open in an emergency than the parents. The parents use a card to open the door as I understand it.

but lets not let that get in the way of a good old Step mum bash eh?

OP, the Ex is clearly on a campaign, she is unreasonable on all manner of subjects, and this is another one.

If a door is closed then how can whether it's locked make any difference to whether you'd smell smoke or hear a burglar? Personally I would find it much less scary to knock on a door rather than shake someone awake, especially as knocking on doors is already a common part of life during non emergencies. And as PP said kids tend to sleep much deeper than adults anyway. Maybe I have a skewed opinion as my own parents used to lock their bedroom door and it didn't occur to me to think anything of it. I might have done if someone had put negative ideas in my head though.

I do want to say something about the cakes and stuff.

My ex and his new partner used to do that, and I sucked it up, but I hated it. As I hated the videos of what a fab time the kids were having with him and her doing this or that.

I never said anything, but I hated it, I used to sit and cry at the weekends when he (and she) were sending videos of what they were doing with my kids, because I missed them, they were my kids and I had to hand over my most precious things to someone else to take care of. And it felt passive aggressive slap in the face to be forced to see what all they did when they with their dad. I didn't want to know how much they loved their step mum - or at least I didn't want to see it.

I never locked a door against my kids, and I never would.

Maybe it's one of those things that is just a difference in parenting, but to me, and I do mean TO ME, it seems a safety issue - I wouldn't want to have to find keys or unlock a door if I jumped up in the night to go to see to a being sick child, or a child having a fit or whatever. I need to be able to get there asap with no distractions - I don't even shut my door when my kids are here, it's open.

pudding21 that is exactly it. once you cut off the fuel from the ex wanting to ruin everything, they eventually realise it gets them nowhere and they give up and let you get on with your lives.

Grey rock.

We do this regularly and it's worked. No rise to any of her drama. Not even a response. As a result not only are his DC safer and less likely to be terrorised by their mother, but we are also able to get on with planning enjoyable weekends.

Op. The door thing has been blown out of proportion . As you have a newborn this is not the issue.

I do suggest you don’t engage as it sounds like it will enhance nothing.

I would also if I was df not make small talk she is only going to twist what is said.

I would aim to just enjoy your time on contact . Don’t send cakes( it can be interrupted look what I did with your children .. better mum) not that I think you are doing that simply how she may interrupt that. Carry on doing this stuff with them . Leave it to them to tell their mum what they want.

@Giantbanger the presence of a lock does not prevent anyone smelling or hearing, that happens when the door is closed. However, you didn't say that because it sounds just a little too bat shit to jump on the OP about a closed door.

The OP has said the children can open it, they just knock out of what I assume is politeness. The OP can open it from her side. Essentially it is just a closed door like any turn handle door that has a catch to keep it from swinging open.

You're all frothing over semantics and the wording of what is ostensibly no different from the doors you have in your own houses in function, it just differs slightly in appearance.

Go on, let's hear how none of you ever close a door because it's such a hazard (remember fire doors are supposed to stay shut so have fun trying to justify that one).

The door has a lock they can easily open, just to make clear. But I will address this as it had never occurred to me the other issues. I am sorry for that. Surprisingly enough with a newborn and her ruining a million things for us I have had my mind exploded with information and stress. So I may have missed some things. It was certainly not done out of spite or lack of love for them. I can't stress enough just how much I do love them.

We have a LOT of alarms in the house for the risk of someone breaking in or fires (due to my ocd) . So we would easily hear something was amiss, likely before even the kids would.

I only sent the videos and the photos purely because she was claiming they basically hated her and she was a burden. I wanted to prove that wasn't the case. Before then we have never done anything like that as I respect it must be hard for her to see her kids happy in another family.

I don't close my door when my kids are in the house and I have never asked them to knock to come in.

'Just an FYI the mother locks her bedroom door at home so they are used to it. It isn't us being an arse.'

How do you know?

It's no wonder the kids are feeling unloved

and you know that how exactly?

You do know that they WILL say one thing to their mother and another to you? They won't feel able to tell you that they dislike the baby crying, or whatever? Most kids from separated households do that.Mine did - and do- both ways. I hear xyz thing about the kids of the new wife, and how awful they are, when I say talk to your dad, they never do.

Also I do agree with not biting anymore. That was the first and last time i have in years. My DF only emails now regarding the children or court. The small talk was a once in a blue moon thing as he wanted to appear civil for the sake of the children.

I don't have my ex husband's wife's telephone number or email address. All communication is with him.

If she emailed or texted me I would ignore, and send him a request that if he has issues to be raised, he does so with me directly not via his wife.

'only sent the videos and the photos purely because she was claiming they basically hated her and she was a burden. I wanted to prove that wasn't the case. '

Feel sorry for these dc

Probably say one thing to her then dance to your tune and perform for your videos whilst with you.

You don't need to 'prove' anything

You are just fuelling the fire

Refer it to your partner DF whatever and ignore

I only sent the videos and the photos purely because she was claiming they basically hated her and she was a burden. I wanted to prove that wasn't the case. Before then we have never done anything like that as I respect it must be hard for her to see her kids happy in another family.

She invented a load of BS to make you feel bad, to ruin your time etc etc
You showed her up basically.

Sounds like there are a lot of similar people on this thread that say that they are all for the kids, but when the kids are happy with their other parent and his family, that's not good and must be stopped.

You know your heart is in the right place, and it's in a more right place than the DC mother tbh. So please remind yourself that you are doing a fabulous job of being there for them and showing them what love is and how a good person behaves.

NOW... stop letting this woman call the shots in your family. She doesn't have to like anything, and sounds like she wouldn't out of spite anyway.

We know the door is locked as they used to when they were together and kids have menitoned it still is now.

I do agree kids will say one thing to one parent and another to the other for the sake of trying to please both. Hence why we do our best. That is all we can do. Is show them they can talk and express positive or negative feelings with no judgment. Which they do know as they have done so in the past.

I know they don't dislike the baby as when offered time away from her addressed in a "wouldn't this be fun!" manner they have refused as "we are a family" . I have also had to stop the eldest from adding my DD to their netflix accounts. Small things which they don't need to do or are made to do yet they seek it out themselves. That is how I know they don't dislike her.

She sounds vile. Sorry you’re dealing with this. The poor children. Unfortunately it sounds as though your df is going to have to go through the courts and she wants a fight. So brace yourselves this sounds like the beginning.

Yoy have a bathroom turn, which locks on the outside and once inside you need to use a coin/ card. That is dangerous for you all. In the event of a fire you potentially wouldn’t be able to reach the children or escape. I have seen double sided ones.

So your 'DF' has a thing about locking doors

Why were they locked out in his previous home??

They don't dance to my tune! The videos were on my phone as I am constantly taking them and photos of all the children - not forced and purely from the background. As it makes me happy to look back on and see my lovely family. The same way any parent would take videos and photos of their children surely?! Is that then all parents making kids dance to their tune because they caught random moments on film? I never MAKE them perform to be videoed!

she thrives off knowing that she is winding you up

Looking at some of these posts I'd say she's not alone in that - but yes, I believe you've got the principle right

It must be very, very difficult not to respond at all when the ex is looking for something - anything - to be difficult about, but it seems clear that's what would be best