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AIBU?

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Original poster

EW being unreasonable...

218 replies

exwifehell · 30/10/2018 10:16

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/10/2018 14:44

OP... you're biting :D

Just ignore. You don;t have to explain yourself to anyone

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 14:45

OP, is everything OK in your relationship and life in general?

That last post, and the one about him locking the door in his last relationship, it just doesn't sound right.

Apologies if I'm miles off, but there's something in it doesn't seem right.

You shouldn't be taking loads of videos to somehow prove lovely family. You sound like you're having to try too hard.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 14:45

I haven't asked why, but surely its not my DF that has form for this when their own mother still does it also?! Jesus with some of you I just can't win. If this was a post from a mother the attitude would be completely different. But because I'm a step mum I must be some vile hating children person, while my DF must be some lazy lay about of a dad that just doesn't care. Sorry to say but I can assure you neither is the case.

Where can I find a double sided one please? I haven't been able to see one of those yet, that would perfect for everyone!

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 30/10/2018 14:47

who knew locking doors must mean you're a child abusing bastard eh!

ss doesn't come in our bedroom. He isn't allowed in it when we are not there, and when we are there the door is shut and he knocks. He's 13.

will be the same when ds is older too, he is currently allowed in when im in there getting dressed or whatever, but its not a place to congregate in my opinion. Nor would I let myself in SS bedroom and sit and have a chat.

families are different, yeno.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 14:47

I just take a lot of videos and photos of all my family/friends/pets. I genuinely like to look back on them all when I'm feeling blue as it makes me happy. Nothing about trying too hard, I do it constantly with or without the SC.

What is it you're concerned about? Our relationship has its ups and downs, especially with all the high stress levels right now but we are very happy with each other.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 30/10/2018 14:47

'I haven't asked why, but surely its not my DF that has form for this when their own mother still does it also?!

How odd

Why wouldn't you question why??

Seems extremely odd to me

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 14:48

Why is locking a door odd? Maybe they didn't want the DC walking in while they were having sex? Or the fact my DF sleeps naked and didn't want to accidentally flash the kids if they came in? Who knows. Its hardly an issue that screams something dodgy to me. My own parents used to lock their bedroom doors and I know plenty others that do the same

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 30/10/2018 14:49

Oh

I didn't realise locking doors was such a thing.

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 14:49

I wouldn't walk into the DC room without knocking, but they can come into mine any time, I hold myself to a different standard - I'm their mum and it's important to me that they know that I am there for them 100% and that they are front and centre.

I've never dated anyone who I have introduced them to so the whole step thing would never happen in my house, and won't, until they move out. It's hard enough for them with their dad and his set up, they don't need me adding to the batshittery.

flamingofridays · 30/10/2018 14:51

I'm their mum and it's important to me that they know that I am there for them 100% and that they are front and centre

pretty sure my kids know that too, they have just been taught to respect peoples boundaries, that's all. Nothing wrong with it.

ah I see giant you are a fully paid up member of the ex wives club who thinks life should stand still once a marriage ends. Your posts make a bit more sense now. I don't think that's healthy for anyone.

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 14:51

I don't sleep naked and I haven't dated anyone and certainly wouldn't be having sex with step children in the house when they're only there what? 2 days a fortnight, in the standard set up? Can't you just wait for a shag?

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 14:52

They are welcome in our room anytime. Just of a night for safety reasons it must be locked, even then they have come in when needed.

We often have chill out times on the bed and such. We don't lock them out as a way to KEEP them out. Purely to keep the cats out when we can't monitor them trying to lay on the baby. Something of which I have to stop a fair bit as they seem to enjoy her milky breath and warmth. I'm sure as a mother you wouldn't want to sleep knowing you could wake a baby that was smothered. In all other ways they are no risk or saftey issue.

OP posts:
Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 14:52

Flamingo not at all. I've dated loads of people, and done lots of interesting things, just not when my kids were about. And their dad has a whole new set up that causes my kids problems, so I think it's best I don't add to that. Surely that's responsible of me?

flamingofridays · 30/10/2018 14:52

giant my step child lives with me - should I never have sex again?

Christ stop being ridiculous,

whats the difference between having sex when theres resident children in the house, and step children?

I think you have your own issues that need addressing here.

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 14:53

Can't you get a cat net anymore? I just remembered my mum had one for my brother, it was a net that went over the big pram.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 14:53

I said maybe that is why my DF and EW had their door locked! Not us! For what it is worth we do not have sex when the SC are here. But shock horror, we do when my DD is here AS SHE IS HERE ALL THE TIME!

You're either not reading my posts properly or intentionally twisiting them to suit the wicked step mother role in your head.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 30/10/2018 14:53

no I don't think so giant I think it's a bit weird, and clear that you're paying the "im the most caring parent and your dad is shit because hes moved on" game.
moving on is fine, and I think its important for kids to know that life goes on.

Hocusypocus · 30/10/2018 14:53

Mind boggling how OP is being accused of choosing her cats over the step children.

If it wasn't the locked bedroom door the ex wife was zoning in on it would be something else, she's clearly got a problem with the OPs relationship that is nothing to do with the fact they lock their bedroom door at night to stop cats coming in.

Say she changed the door, would that improve matters with the ex wife. My guess would be no.

Obviously having a locked door between parents and children is in no way ideal, but it's not the reason that the ex wife is harping on about OPs partner favouritising OPs baby.

She is jealous and that is as clear as day.

MarthasGinYard · 30/10/2018 14:53

They must have been quite little and 'locked out' in their home with their parents.

Why on earth is it being questioned by them/her if it's the norm of how they live.

Surely they are all used to mum and dad's bedroom doors Locked at night....

Giantbanger · 30/10/2018 14:54

flamingo - since I divorced/separated from my ex husband I've never had sex while my kids were in the house, because I've never had a man in the house while they were there.

Am I supposed to have picked up some man and brought him back just to shag him to make a point? FFS.

flamingofridays · 30/10/2018 14:57

Am I supposed to have picked up some man and brought him back just to shag him to make a point? FFS

erm no but If you found yourself in a relationship with someone, and they lived with you, I don't see why you wouldn't have sex when step kids were there providing that it was an appropriate situation.

why are you trying to hard to twist everyones posts?

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 14:57

It wasn't being questioned as far as we know. It came up in passing in a rare civil moment between DF and EW.

For what it is worth she has come after us for MANY things, completely unrelated to anything beyond spite. Right down to how we can't feed them KFC and how that makes him a bad dad. The day she found out we were together DF got a shit load of messages about how she was the ex wife, mother of hsi children and i was just some girl he was shagging.

Its been one thing after another. The locked door sounds way worse than it is and isn't the only issue she has had that has been completely unrelated to any safty issues. This is a woman who encouraged her DC to call a new DP of hers daddy and posts all over social media how amazing a dad he is and how they are theirs.

A woman who admitted a few years ago she was jealous over how much fun they come back saying they have and how much they like me.

OP posts:
OhComeOnRon · 30/10/2018 14:57

Op please stop replying and explaining yourself re the door - you're wasting your time.
THE CHILDREN CAN STILL OPEN THE DOOR FROM THE OUTSIDE!

I'm a step mum too - its hard, and I don't have a batshit ex to deal with. I think your only option here is to ignore, ignore, ignore! Completely. Don't get involved. AT ALL. She wants a reaction and she's getting it so will carry on. I hope it gets better for you.

kmc1111 · 30/10/2018 14:59

God some people on MN are so unbelievably weird about locked doors. I always imagine them with half a dozen key locks on every door and a key ring the size of a frisbee.

The OP’s door is an especially easy one to open, but seriously, there are countless types of locks that literally take a quarter of a second to unlock. No fumbling for keys or desperately clawing at some wildly complicated latch, just lift a latch or flick a little switch or hit a button. Takes less time and less dexterity than turning a door handle.

Original poster
exwifehell · 30/10/2018 15:00

DF is now only going through a solicitor as its completely pointless trying to reason. She ignores all court orders so hopefully this is a step forward now.

All we want is what is best for the children. I genuinely wanted and tried to get along with her for a long time. But surprisingly enough having constant abuse and nasty allegations that are far from the truth constantly thrown at you, you give up wanting to bother.

I do agree that I shall never be sending anything again. Ii just wanted to protect my own DD a bit I think.

OP posts: