EW being unreasonable...

[exwifehell]

Met my DF three years after separation. Reasonably amicable between the two until she realised we were dating. Cue cutting contact with my DF and his DC for three months. Court cases. Refusal to follow court orders. Abuse to us and untrue allegations on social media. All while DF acts appropriately for the sake of the children.

I love my SC greatly. We both do. My own family have even paid for them to come on holidays with us that their mother hasn't allowed.

Anyway, I fall pregnant a few years later. Even more abuse to my DF saying he should leave me, on social media saying how the baby shouldn't be born etc etc.

We never speak a bad word to the kids, all positive and encourage them to take cakes or whatever they've made home for their mum. Basically doing all we can to create a nice environment. Their mother stands at the door and has on occasion screamed abused at my DF while they've been in the car.

It has now escalated to us having to cancel our wedding as she is still refusing to sign the clean break. She is also now dragging my child into this stating the children dislike her bla bla bla. We know this as untrue as the kids actively seek her out. Spend time with her, refuse offers of going out without her etc.

This has all caused us a great deal of stress and hurt.

After years of saying nothing, and granted depression may have been leading me. I ended up sending her a polite message saying how much we love the kids and to please stop as it is all too much. That it was unfair to drag my daughter into her spite just to hurt my DF when all we do is love and care for the SC. I did end up calling her a jealous cow. Probably not the best move. I also ended up sending her a view photos and videos of the children with their sister to prove they were happy.

How unreasonable was I being? Ii know I should have stayed out of it all. I'm just hurting. All we all want is to move on and be happy. We speak to the kids to ask how they feel about everything and always show we are open to any feelings they have. Ii just don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my pregnancy joy through her being a cow all the way through. I lost the joy of habing her as it just hurt she refused to let the kids meet her for weeks. And now we've lost our wedding. Not to mention the cost of it all.

I'm heartbroken and just generally broken. I'm on so much medication now. How on earth do we move forward from all of this while staying intact? It's reached the point that I wish I could just walk away. But I love my DF and SC so much and would miss them greatly. Not to mention I don't want to do that to my baby.

I just hate how my daughter is now being used as a weapon and whats worse is I know she won't stop doing so as she knows it gets to us.

oh just ignore all this bollocks OP, there is far too much batshittery going on here on this thread.

the kids are not locked in, the parents are and the kids can knock when they need to, when the baby is a little bigger, it won't be an issue

the ex has no right to call the shots in your house anymore than the PP on here.

If the SC are ok with it, and your DH is ok with it, that's that.

OPs WHOLE POST is to do with what’s best for the SC! Why is everyone attacking her about a door? Yes, it probably does not need to be locked but why the F would you go on to say the nasty shit your saying? Jesus wept sounds like the ex wife has numerous accounts on here OP RUNNNNNNNNNNJ

I wouldn't want my dc staying the night where their DF bedroom is actually locked WTF

As for his EX leave him to sort it all.

One does wonder what the other version would be.

You've also no need to send videos of her dc with your dd 'to prove they are happy' etc

I'd stay out of it all

Is DF fiancé?

If the sc have mentioned to their mother that you lock them out at night, it is a problem for them.
I don't think you need to get rid of the cats or stop sleeping with dd, but there must be another solution. Maybe a childproof door knob covering that they can open but the cats can't.

Our emotional wellbeing towards them is really bad? Because in one area we've clearly been ignorant? Surprising enough with everything going on and a newborn on top, we will mess up in little ways. To imply a small lock as a quick fix that honestly never got back round to again is emotional abuse is a bit harsh.

But yes Ii will look into other options.

The door is able to be opened by the children still if that is at all relevant. Its the pure action of locking it apparently.Its a bathroom lock we use a card to close on the other side with. So all they need to do is twist it like they would when thye've used the loo.

You need to understand that your DD is a resident child, your DF should not be having private time with her when it’s your SC’s turn to have time with him. He can make it up to your DD on the other days as he lives with her

Your post suggests you’re chosing your cats over the SC. I think if they are such a hazard to your DD that you need to lock them (and your SC) out then they shouldn’t be around at all

oh have a day off cherries what absolutely ridiculous posts.

There should not be a locked door between those kids and the adults in the house in case of fire. It's a definitely safety and safeguarding issue.

I would be the batshittery of an ex who wouldn't be letting the kids go to contact if I heard that was going on. And I'm really pretty easy going but that would be something I wouldn't tolerate.

Don't let it get to you, OP - this often happens on here, where someone twists what you've said and others, accepting the interpretation, pile on to tell you how awful you're being

Yes, the safety issue perhaps needs looking at, but for the rest you've said the SCs are happy with your arrangements - and from the Ex's point of view, if it wasn't the cats it would be something else

As so often I believe Hissy's got it right in saying nothing except court will work with someone like this. She'll never be happy about it but at least she might be forced to do the right thing - and this way there'll be a formal record of her behaviour, in case she creates future problems

I think you like locking the SC out and having time with your DD and DF apart from them because there’s no reason for you to do it otherwise

lol seriously?

If it goes to court and the court hears that those kids are locked out of the room where the adults are at nighttime, the court will order that the door be unlocked. I'm as certain as I can be of it.

the fact that those kids are telling their mum that they are locked out means it's bothering them.

I will look into what else I can do. I don't want to hurt them or upset them. And can honestly see how now the baby is here that we lock it they may put two and two together and get the worst. Which I don't want .

There is no where else for me to go and sleep with the baby. The children have the other room.

I am honestly doing all I can. I apologise for one mess up on my part and will be sure to tell the SC next time I see them that I am sorry and make sure by then the situation is different.

The other version of teh story if you judge by her fb is that my DF is the one doing all the abusive messages etc. What she does she makes out is him. She once threatened the police on him because despite cryin gon the phone to the kids to come home they didn't want to go home. The next day she was on SM saying my DF threatened the police on her if she came near the house. I was there for the whole exchange on the phone and that wasn't what happened at all.

I accept if I'm not a perfect step mother. I'm not a perfect person. But I try.

I also don't think the smalled brained posters on here are getting what you're saying about the cats,

my interpretation was, you lock the door to your bedroom, so that the cats don't smother the baby (and lets face it cats would lay on a warm baby if they could!)

however, the cats can lay with the older children, because its not a risk ie they wont get suffocated by a cats arse and die.

you're not letting the cats in and locking the kids out, you're not letting the older kids be at risk of cat related injuries, you're simply stopping your baby getting accidentally killed by your pets.

fine, i'd say.

if the kids are aware of the situation, and know how to open the lock in case of emergency then I don't see the issue.

if you can find a solution that's not a lock (someone I know had a door handle put upside down so that cat couldn't let itself out!) then go for that so the batshit ex wife cant say anything.

The kids weren't the ones who mentioned the lock door btw - on a rare civil moment my partner mentioned it to her in passing when discussing the hyperness of one of our cats while at a match for their daughter.

So many posts on this thread is why lawyers earn so much money needlessly.

let's all ignore the actual truth and froth about stuff that isn't actually real eh? just cos it causes trouble for her ex and their new family.

I feel your pain OP, have a similar situation here, but we don't tolerate any of the ExW insane demands on our weekend/time with the DC. Just like the DC dad doesn't tell her what to do with the DC on her time...

giant

kids say a lot in passing, they don't only say things that they're unhappy about.

ss tells us all sorts about his mother but I don't necessarily think its because he's unhappy about it, she's his other parent and he talks about his life at her house, that's all.

they could have said something like "you know what mum step mums cats are soooooooo clever that she has to lock them out of her room at night because they know how to open doors"

an ex wife would hear that as "you know what mum step mum hates us and locks us out on a night and her vicious cats could get us"

I had to lock my bedroom door because it wasn't a snug fit and it used to bang when the window was open and we couldn't afford to get a new door. DSCs were absolutely fine with it and simply knocked when they wanted to come in - we'd jump up straight away and let them in. Of course if we'd kept our room locked all the time that could have sent a different message but we left our door wide open during the daytime (so the door didn't bang) whether we were in the room or not so the DSCs understood the lock wasn't to keep them out.

Genuinely wondering what dangers we hadn't considered? Neither DH nor I are deep sleepers. (BTW no longer an issue as we've since moved house).

imagine the ex wife told you that you had to lock your baby away from your cats.

Flaming - that is exactly that. When the kids stay they have always had the cats sleep with them anyway. They wouldn't want that aspect any other way. Once when we did have to lock them in the bathroom due to a bad bladder issue, them were genuinely upset to not have them with them.

I think sometimes as a step mum you're just meant to take everything, give up everything, because anything less than that is considered abuse to the SC.

I love my SC. I pay, cook, clean, play, look after them etc. I'm the one planning days out with them and the rest. I adore them. I would never prioritise any child. I always tell the SC that we have three amazing kids in our lives and love them all the same.

Well, I wouldn't let my kids go to a house where they were locked out of the room where the adults were - from a fire safety point of view / burglar point of view.

Happy to be batshit on this one. I would want my children to be able to get to the adults in a hurry if there was an emergency.

When we were children we had to climb out the upstairs windows due to a chip pan fire (remember them? proper chip pan) and I wouldn't want my kids not to have an adult there to help them.

giant the adults are still there, behind a door that can be unlocked from both sides. it would take what 3 extra seconds to unlock it?

also children are a lot less likely to wake up at the noise of a fire alarm than an adult is so its likely that the adults would wake up and open the door first anyway!

I was going to say, can you change the lock to a handle that can be opened from both sides, but that's basically what you have.
On the SC side it's a handle, on your side it's a lock.

I do agree with that, completely. That is something I hadn't considered as I am VERY paranoid about preventing fires anyway and if I end up thinking of what IFs I get worse. Maybe that was me being a terrible step mum. But it wasn't intentional. Nor was Ii forcing anyones hand in it, my DF suggested it when I was depressed and crying over the cat constantly coming in when Ii was trying to get what limited sleep I could. After that considering the exwife (who didn't know about the lock then) didn't allow the SC to come round for weeks, it had become such habit and such norm that I hadn't considered how it may look.

I was terrified smelling the smoke (I was 6, maybe 7) and I my mum came and got us and opened the landing window for us to get out onto the roof of the porch.

I wouldn't have wanted to have to bang a door and bang and bang and wait for it to be opened (we were all fine - new kitchen had to be got).

I

When you think a locked door between you and any kids in the house at night is normal, you question the general common sense. It's doesn't take the ex to present yourself as batshit crazy when you are doing it yourself. The door was given as an example of the ex wife causing trouble.

ANY kid would be scared and uncomfortable under those circumstances. If anything the ex is underreacting not causing trouble at all. No kid of mine would be staying in a house where access to the person with care is in ANY way restricted. Not even hook and latch. It's just too risky.

It's no wonder the kids are feeling unloved if the OPs DC is safe with BOTH parents and they have access to none. It is just so basic

You do wonder if the ex's other batshit crazy concerns are really that batshit.

Why is it a fire safety issue to lock anyone out of a room? I'll be woken up by either the kids or the fire alarm, or I'll already be immobile/unconscious due to smoke inhalation etc in which case I'd be no use to the DCs anyway. Yes the kids might waste time banging on the door but likewise I'm sure they'd waste time trying to wake me up/not leave me if they came in and say me unconscious. In fact there are some sources which recommend you lock your bedroom door if you're an adult as it's safer in the event of a burglary. and of course you never lock a child in. I can't find anything yet about locking your own door when you have DCs in the house.