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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister the discussion is over?

207 replies

Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:34

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 26/10/2018 07:37

Nobody else has the right to make your decisions for you. You have to choose for yourself even if you give others a chance to give their input. Go ahead with your decision. You’ve tested it against other options. You’ve done due diligence by letting her give her opinion.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:38

To be clear I’m a non confrontational person - I don’t want this to ruin our relationship but we just can’t keep debating it and there isn’t a compromise

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 26/10/2018 07:39

Is this about getting an abortion OP or is there a car on specia sale somewhere?

Ohyesiam · 26/10/2018 07:39

Impossible to say without knowing. I Can understand you not wanting to say.

I think ultimately you have to do what you think is best and in your best Interests.
How will it affect her. Financially ?socially? at work ?in the family?

AlexaShutUp · 26/10/2018 07:40

Of course YANBU.

You have to make your own decisions, she has to make hers. This is about your personal beliefs, not hers. I hope that she is able to take a step back and respect your decision/support you through it.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:42

Haha no it’s not a car on special sale... I kind of wish it was!!
It’s a major life altering decision and will affect her emotionally but not in any other way

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Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:43

Sorry I reallt don’t mean to drip feed

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 26/10/2018 07:47

Don't underestimate the negative effects of affecting someone emotionally. By all means do what you need to do for yourself, but I think it is unreasonable to expect support from someone you are upsetting with your choices.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/10/2018 07:47

Assuming the decision affects you and your body/family/life then just get on with it and stop debating it. She doesn't have to agree.

If there is going to be some sort of fall out that she will end up bearing the brunt of then my advice might be different.

It really depends what you are planning to do

9ofpentangles · 26/10/2018 07:50

I think what you've said sounds fine. It sounds as if you are damned if you do, damned if you don't but are just going to have to be brave and go ahead

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2018 07:51

Might there be fall out that she will get caught up in?

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:51

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks
Ok Thanks I get what you’re saying about expecting support. I’m just trying to say to her I know she won’t agree but I’d love for her, for my sake, to stop debating it now as I’ve heard it but am still making the decision

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 26/10/2018 07:52

It's literally impossible for anyone to offer a useful opinion on this with the information you've given. You know that already.

Urbanbeetler · 26/10/2018 07:52

Is she against it because she genuinely thinks it will make your life unhappier/difficult or because she doesn’t want to feel the emotional pain of it personally?

AJPTaylor · 26/10/2018 07:55

You need to tell her you have decided and therefore nothing more to be discussed.
It's up to her to decide how to react.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:57

There’s a risk of this impacting mine and my partners lives in the future (and maybe her through seeing the impact on me) - but no direct fall out for her.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 26/10/2018 07:57

I would say if she that shallow that you making a decision about your own life, is going to have such a negative effect on her. The she needs to get counselling to help her understand that you are an individual and completely separate from her.

As for you I would if the decision is really what you want to do, for example whether that is having a child as a single or same sex relationship to moving to the moon, don't let her have a negative impact on you. If you allow her to control your life you will begin to hate her and it will have an effect on your life and your relationship with.

OrdinarySnowflake · 26/10/2018 07:58

From the info you've given the of course YANBU - you make a choice that suits you.

However, that might change a great deal if you tell us what it is.

E.g.. is it you no longer caring for an elderly relative and putting them in a home, when sister doesn't want that but won't/cant step up and do the caring?

You might get very different responses if you tell what the issue is.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:59

@pigeondujour

actually you’re wrong - even though it’s vague what people are saying is very useful as it gives me different things to think about and perspectives that perhaps I haven’t considered already

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AnnaMagnani · 26/10/2018 07:59

Do you, in general, need to share less stuff with your sister?

I am looking at my DH who gets on with his life making his own decisions without discussing them with his brother or sister, as do they.

If you had just gone ahead with this, without discussing it with her at all how much would she have known about it? How much emotional pain would their have been for her?

From the info you have given, most of the emotional pain is from the fact that you are two v different people and she would be upset by the fact you make different choices.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:00

@Urbanbeetler
Both - she’s worried about me, and about herself. Although this is my decision it goes against her principles and therefore she is very emotional about it

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 26/10/2018 08:02

'Do you, in general, need to share less stuff with your sister?'

Why have you discussed it with her if you know her views?

steff13 · 26/10/2018 08:03

If you knew she wouldn't agree with the decision, I'm not sure why you even discussed it with her. You can tell her the discussion is over, but you can't change how she feels about it. And possibly you, by extension.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:04

@OrdinarySnowflake
I get that, I do. I just feel very vulnerable sharing what it actually is online (even though it’s fairly anonymous) but the comments are helping

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:08

She overheard a conversation and asked... I told her. On reflection probably a bad thing. I think she also might have found out later (or my mum would have told her) and then been even more angry with me perhaps

OP posts: