To tell my sister the discussion is over?

[Wheresthewishmagic]

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

I am really interested in finding out what sort of thing it could be for posters who say they need to know what it about before they can advise.

What could it be that your advice depends on?

Impossible to tell, too vague. No idea what you are talking about.

You say it’s a decision, which needs to be taken without delay. Anything you want to do really is your decision and your choice. Your body. Your choice.

Sometimes it really is a good idea for families to live as physically far apart as possible.

You can’t expect her support down the line when she has been upfront in saying she is opposed to whatever it is.

Therefore you both have to respect the fact that you are both adults entitled to make your own decisions. Be prepared for a shift in your relationship and create another support group for yourself.

This is your life and you must live it how you deem fit. Your sister will get over it. Bloods thicker n all that

I don't think it's a good idea to have a conversation with your parents there.

It's between the two of you. You will both expect them to take 'sides' and that never ends well.

Tell her you've heard her, you understand she thinks a certain way but you don't. It's your issue/business/life and you will do what you think best.

It depends on what it is.

Why did you discuss it with her in the first place?

If it is pregnancy etc -only what you and your OH want is relevant.

If it is moving a parent with MH problems into your house -maybe listen.

I have to say I ask for help if I want it -or ask to discuss it or I make my own mind up and present it as a decision.

So the questions is why did you ask? Is her view normally right? Do you trust her judgement? Do you feel she knows best? Why is your OH not as important? Do you want the conflict elements -to make sure you make the right decision? etc

I totally understand. The thing is, as sisters, even though she might struggle, she will still love you. All families have major disagreements but you can both decide to maintain your relationship, even when it's hard work.

Good luck!

Wheresthewishmagic
Bless you, this is so upsetting for you, I can tell. I'm pretty sure I might be older than the ave age of the mums netters, and can see some of your dilemma in my own family. I think the fact that this is your older sister is relevant. Even though you are both adults now, it is very hard not to always hold on to that seniority that we give to older siblings if we have grown up with them supporting us.

It is so important that you live your own life. You said your partner also wants this decision the way you want it.

Your words " however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead." say everything. It is time now to let go of needing big sister's support or even needing to keep her happy or needing to please her. She seems to have a hold over you. She does not seem to be saying that she knows you are both different and she just wants you to be happy and that you are sisters no matter how different. Is she rather controlling? Does she have to 'win' all discussions and get her own way even about decisions to do with your life?

You have a partner. Your Partner and you do things together now. You are not little sister any more. Go ahead and do the thing that would make you happy! It is very important in life to be yourself! We cannot be responsible for the feelings of others.

Sorry to go so serious but Polonius in Hamlet made the very famous advice so often given :
"to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

There are so many excellent quotations about being true to yourself. That alone tells you how essential it is to be yourself in life or you will not ever feel right. Please believe me. I really do know, having tried to please everybody most of my life and ended up very unhappy.

I'll put in a couple more quotations:

“What will a man gain by winning the whole world, at the cost of his true self?”
― Jesus

“Your ideal life is your real life. Be true to yourself and honor your preferences.”
― Maria Erving

and Debasish Mridha said:
“You can never be true to others if you are not true to yourself.”
and
“It takes tremendous courage to be honest and true to yourself.”
try:
www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/be-true-to-yourself

However, MOST important quote of the day said:
"I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her." by you.

Well done! We're all with you. Sending you lots of love. Have a wonderful life!

Wheresthewishmagic

Please listen to your own wise words, my lovely girl:

"It’s my decision (with my partner) and I don’t have doubts."

There is no more need for discussion. Do not let the feelings of your sister upset you. Other people cannot run your life.

You have a Partner. The two of you support each other. You are adults. Go ahead with what it right for you. And don't look back.

With love.

Sorry! I have overlooked your question "Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

No that would not be at all unreasonable.

I think, from her persistence in bringing it up, she is being insensitive to your feelings and therefore you may well have to become very firm with her. It may be better to tell her quite firmly, but nicely, you have explained the situation out of love for her and respect for her her feelings. You have decided on the way forward. It is yours and your Partner's lives and therefore you will not be discussing it any more. The matter is closed.

If she raises it, use the stuck-needle/broken record technique and just say, nicely but firmly, "The matter is closed". Interrupt her if she is starting a long speech, saying "No, stop, the matter is closed." and repeat that. 100 times if necessary, in the same nice, peaceful but very firm voice. If possible, leave the room, or hang up the phone so as to end the conversation, using an excuse ("I need the loo/someone at the door/ must get on or I will be late..")

You cannot be responsible for her feelings. Do what is right for you and your Partner. Wishing you every happiness.

It's obviously an abortion, for whatever reason. I don't know why you are refusing to say OP, I find MNetters are largely supportive of women having an abortion.

Telll your sister that you ( and your DP ) are the one who has to live with the decision and you’d like to think she loves you enough to respect your judgment and to support you whatever your decision may be. Meanwhile you don’t want to discuss it further.
Good luck OP

I wasn't getting abortion at all! I was thinking either gender reassignment or possibly egg donation. I can't see anybody calling a family conference type thing, including their parents and their partner's parents, over an abortion.

I really can’t decide without knowing what it is. I think you’re possibly minimising how much this will affect her though. Have you properly listened to WHY she thinks this isn’t a good idea?

Op I think shut her down. Is she even thinking about how it is emotionally affecting you? Grand, she might not agree but how can she not support her sister through something tough. Honestly she seems quite selfish to me.

It sounds like you've made your decision but you need to factor in if there will be consequences for you - will you be needing her support at that point? She might find it too hard to give you the support you need and that could affect your relationship.

MsLexic

What on earth do you mean:
"Impossible to tell, too vague. No idea what you are talking about" Let me help you:

The OP is being persistently pestered by her older sister. The older sister keeps bringing up something she disagrees with her about concerning a decision the OP has made.

The OP is finding it tough, dealing with the strong views of her older sister who will not stop raising the subject, even though OP has told her that she and her Partner know their decision is right for them even if it is different from that which the sister thinks they should make.

The OP needs a bit of help in dealing with this disagreement with her sister. The subject of her decision, about which the sister disagrees, is not, in itself, the subject in question. The problem is that there has never been a situation like this before, where she will be doing something her sister has different views about. Consequently it is upsetting her to have her sister keep talking about the decision and going on about her point of view. The OP is not undecided about the decision she and her Partner have made. It is just painful for her to be having her older sister going on about it and disagreeing with it and being unhappy about it.

As I see it, this might have happened somewhen in their relationship anyway because the OP says they are very different with different views. I think OP has tried not to upset older sister in the past but this time it's inevitable and she is finding that hard.

Why the hell do you find that vague? Or are you just some prurient scandal seeker who likes to wallow in something a bit more unsalubrious?

sister its my choice i hope you can support me

pretty much what i say to mine

actually she now says it to me your life your choice im here if you need me but we are old and we have argued and we fell out and didnt speak for years we have found out what we lose when we dont see each other makes us both more respectful

Jux

To answer your question...

The OP has said it doesn’t affect her sister, other than emotionally. That really could mean anything and although the OP might see it that way, her sister might not. I’m going to try to use an example that’s not too emotive.

Say the OP lives in the UK but has decided to move to Australia (we know that’s not the case because she’s said her sister might find out in the future, but bear with...). The OP insists this only affects her sister emotionally, not her decision to make, her thoughts aren’t important to the OP. Fine. But is the OP taking into consideration the change in family dynamics, caring for their parents in the event of illness or old age etc. (Just as an illustration of how the impact on her sister might be greater than the the op is allowing for).

If it’s an abortion etc then it could be that her sister sees the OP’s DH controlling her and she might feel the OP will regret it but can’t see it at the moment and worryingly, everyone on here telling the OP it’s none of her sister’s business might sway her into being controlled by her DH.

Lots of reasons...giving a ‘view’ without more detail is a bit concerning in my opinion. But not everyone sees it that way.

WhyAmISoCold
What makes you jump to the conclusion: "It's obviously an abortion,"

Are you just trying to be clever? Or start a bit of a heated discussion? Or change the subject?

What kind of help is it to pry into what the disagreement is about?

The subject of the disagreement is IRRELEVANT.

The problem is that the OP's big sister won't stop going on at her and being upset because she disagrees with OP and her Partner's decision.

The decision could be about whether to paint the wall or use wallpaper. It doesn't make any difference!

For the last time
This is about a turning point in the relationship between OP and her older sister. Two sisters who are very unalike.

IMHO it would have happened at some point in their lives probably, with their growing up, having Partners, own homes, own ways of life etc.

Why on earth do people think this is issue is an abortion? The op wouldn't have to tell anyone she was having an abortion and it would be over in no time.

This is something that concerns fundamental principles and not something that can be hidden.

Op I hope your talk with your sister and your parents goes well and does put a stop to all discussion once and for all.

There was no need to involve the sister in the first place let alone keep having discussions about it

Then escalating it yet again for another conversation with parents involved

Who needs that kind of drama in their lives man.
Likewise here on mumsnet having everybody guessing along what the big secret is.

Just do what you need to do, some decisions are difficult with no easy option. This is one of those times, keep breathing and keep the great communication with your DH and you will get through it. Best of luck

It sounds like you have your words. Lots of luck and strength to you, whatever decision it is OP. I can guess at a few things that might cause this much of a political/emotional rift. I clashed with my older sister who deeply conservative views. It was tiring and difficult and I had to stand very firm on some childcare issues that she was determined to comment on and disagree with. X

Hi OP I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult decision, made worse by the situation with your sister. I have a sister and i would absolutely expect support from her, and would give support to her, even where a decision is made that I fundamentally disagree with and think is wrong and damaging to her. I have experience of this happening (both me and her taking turns to support each other). The key is setting out sensitively why you think it’s a bad idea whilst they’re still considering. Being honest at this point, trying to give good counsel and explore all options and effects, is part of being a good sister and friend. However once the decision is made, we put those views behind us and try and help them make the most of the decision they make. You’ve stated it’s not illegal or immoral - those might be exceptions, the former at least! This is the same for me with everyone I care about. Good luck.