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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister the discussion is over?

207 replies

Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:34

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 26/10/2018 13:05

I think that backing off and watching someone we love make a 'bad' decision is incredibly hard. Even harder if it's someone you've been a carer for at any point. Typically, parents find it hard to let go and watch their kids become independent and make 'mistakes'. I can imagine that for an older sister it's similar.

BUT - we should all learn to respect each other as autonomous individuals. Not to do that implies that she still sees you as her 'little sister' who needs to be looked after.

How would she take it if your mum had a word? Or can you be more obvious, and every time she raises the question you just leave or end the conversation? OR would it make your entire relationship difficult?

At some point she'll have to accept that you can make your own choices. If she doesn't then she'll face a lifetime of upset as you act like a rational adult.

EenyMeenyMo · 26/10/2018 13:08

its a difficult one- its not as easy as saying its your decision so she has no right to an opinion. she has the right to opinions- we all look at what other people do and their actions/decisions colour our opinions of them. She has no right to tell you not to do something but ultimately the right to tell you if you do x i will think worse of you. You don't have a ny right to expect her to say she agrees with you.

My sister and I don't have different world views but we do have difference of opinions on things- i find it difficult because as far as I am concerned I will support her regardless of her decisions but this doesn't mean i agree with her decisions but she seems to want my opinion on her decisions and won't let me avoid the confrontation

BlueSuffragette · 26/10/2018 13:22

It will change in your sister's eyes your sense of self-identity if you are marrying and changing religion and having to even change your own first name. It will impact on her emotionally as she will grieve for the sister she knows and feels she has lost. This happened to someone I know. She was sad her sister had little choice and had to change to be with the man she loves. Sister was cross/angry/hurt that it was just expected and that there was no 'give' on his part ie they just got to stay as 'themself'. I think in this instance it is understandable, as sister's view was that marriage is about mutual respect, tolerance and love. If this is the case your sister will really struggle and feel that you are being changed.

KurriKurri · 26/10/2018 13:23

The decisions you make in your life are for you - to enhance your happiness and wellbeing as much as possible and to let you lead your life the way you want to.

It really isn't your DSIS's business - although obviously you love her and don;t want to upset her - but would she feel that you should have an input on the choices she makes in her life ? Probably not - so it works both ways. You told her about it and been honest so nothing is happening behind her back, she's not being excluded, it is your choice with your partner.

You mentioned gay marriage - say for instance you are gay and you and your partner wish to have a baby, either via a sperm donor or adoption. She may have views that gay people shouldn't have children - that's her view - but something as major as having a child, which is utterly life changing is you and your partners decision alone. I imagine she wouldn;t consult anyone except her partner if/whens he wanted to have children. (Not saying this is your situation, but just that her views are irrelevant. As are those of anyone else actually. your life, your choices.
You only get one bite of the cherry of life - don't let someone else bite it for you.

PoxAlert · 26/10/2018 13:23

If this is about you deciding on whether or not to carry on a pregnancy then it is 100% nothing to do with her.

You make the decision for you.

Her job is to support you and nothing else.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 26/10/2018 13:26

Agree to disagree. Acknowledge her feelings but ask her to respect that its your life and your decision.

Hissy · 26/10/2018 13:36

Hissy the reason I was wondering if it was adoption was the ongoing emotional effect on sister.

Shutdown wouldn't work if sister is refusing to see an adopted child as her niece/nephew because they're not actual blood relation.

in which case the OP has every right to tell the sis that if she can't support her choice then to leave them all be.

She has a right to HER opinion, but no right at all to inflict it on others. She - as an adult - makes decisions or forms opinions which themselves have consequences. You either accept those consequences or you don't.

We don't have to make decisions others are comfortable with.

trulybadlydeeply · 26/10/2018 13:39

You sound like you are sure about this course of action, so the bottom line is that it's got nothing to do with her. You have to put you and your partner first, and whilst it would be lovely to have your family's support, you have to do what's best for you. It sounds like the only way it's going to affect her is due to the fact that she disagrees with what you are doing.

I would be very surprised if religion isn't involved in this situation somewhere, and whilst the majority of religions have love and peace at the centre of them, religious beliefs can often cause more hurt and division than anything else within families.

Just bear in mind that if she truly loves you, she will respect your decisions, and support you, even if she doesn't agree with you. Many close friends and family members of mine have made decisions and done things that I don't agree with, and wouldn't have chosen to do myself, that doesn't mean that I haven't loved them and been with them on every step of their journey.

PuddinginPerth · 26/10/2018 13:50

Why are you dripfeeding?!

Stop being so melodramatic.

It’s an abortion. And you enjoy the drama.

YABU.

ConkerGame · 26/10/2018 14:06

OP you don’t need your sister’s agreement to make decisions about your own life. I wouldn’t even discuss decisions like this with my siblings. It’s a shame you told her but now you have the best way forward is to say that you respect her opinion but you have made your decision and now it’s time for her to respect that and stop going on about it. She doesn’t have to agree with it, she just has to stop harrassing you about it.

butterflysugarbaby · 26/10/2018 14:17

I need to know what it is before I give an answer sorry OP.

I am also guessing it's an abortion... is it???

WinnieFosterTether · 26/10/2018 14:43

It's unfair to ask for support or to blame your DSIS for acting in a way that's entirely in keeping with her principles and personality. Sometimes family and friends disagree with us. That's ok. You can't expect them to know that when you ask for opinions about a decision, you really mean you want their support. It's a different ask.
I'm unclear if the emotional impact on your DSIS will be ongoing and based in a physical reality (eg she is going to be faced with the outcomes of your decision every time she sees you/your child/your house) or is purely on the basis that she will have to carry the burden of knowing you've gone against her principles. If it's the latter then hopefully she'll be able to move on. If it's the latter then it's harder to guess how she will react.
fwiw it sounds as though you're viewing your DP's family as being 'better' because they agree with you. I'd pause for thought and consider whether them or your mum/DSIS are more likely to have your best interests at heart.

DarlingNikita · 26/10/2018 14:45

Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

No, and I'd be much more blunt: 'You’ve given your views but this is not up for discussion. Stop bringing it up, please.'

I guess you're a better person than I Grin

Namelessinseattle · 26/10/2018 14:57

I read this thing once and it’s made me far more mellow with people. I think it was penn and teller, the magicians who are outspoken atheists (I think) and they were talking about zealots and how there’s a certain kindness about them. If you thought a truck was coming at speed towards your sister at what point would you give in and let her stand in its path? So now I have a greater appreciation for their concern for my immortal soul. They believe they can see the truck.

With this in mind you are unlikely to ever get your sister to stop worrying. The best you can do is take deep breaths, acknowledge her point and kindly change the subject every single time. Thank her for her opinion, and move on. Do not engage.

Jux · 26/10/2018 18:13

YANBU.

Your life, your dp, your decision. Her problem is in understanding that.

Jux · 26/10/2018 18:13

Is she your elder sister by any chance?

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 18:47

Yes she’s my elder sister. I’m trying not to drip feed, no I don’t enjoy the drama this has caused me so much upset - I care deeply what she thinks of me (despite her different views) and couldn’t sleep or think properly because of this all day.
Thanks for all your inputs. I really am not going to say what this is as I don’t want to air it in a public forum, I’ve had enough grief and I cannot deal with any more right now as I know this is a subject that can divide.
I’ve made the decision to speak to her one last time on the subject and draw the line, saying I’ve made my decision, I respect she thinks differently, I know she’s upset (which makes me upset) but I would be more upset If I didn’t do this. I might ask my mum & Dad there as emotional support for both of us and to help draw the line for everyone

OP posts:
KC225 · 26/10/2018 18:53

Are you self identifing as woman?

SunnyCoco · 26/10/2018 18:57

It seems like you’re escalating the drama though , by doing this big conversation with your parents there etc

Just have the abortion and leave her out of it

marvellousnightforamooncup · 26/10/2018 19:17

I hope you find peace with your decision. It sounds like you've made the best plan for you and I wish you luck with it.

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/10/2018 21:37

If you can't deal with any more, why speak to her again? Why not agree to disagree?

mummymeister · 26/10/2018 21:44

I am sorry OP but I too feel that you are escalating this by keep on feeling the need to share and discuss. there is no need to share and discuss really now is there. she is no more likely to change her position on this issue than you are. so just keeping on discussing it is only going to end one way - and that is with someone say something awful to the other person that they don't really mean but which sours the relationship far worse than it is now. I just get the impression that a part of you is "enjoying the drama" of the situation a bit too much. She has a right to her views. you have a right to yours. in an ideal world we would all agree all of the time but we don't. Please don't have yet another discussion with her about it and especially don't involve your parents in this.

I would write her a note. tell her that you completely respect her views but yours is not going to change. and on that basis as its something about which neither of you can ever or will ever change your standpoint on you will not enter into a discussion or conversation about it again. sometimes you just have to stop picking at the sore for it to get better.

youarenotkiddingme · 26/10/2018 21:53

I have a sister like this. She is very much of the opinion her opinion is fact and correct and she's saying it as it is.

I've taken to simply relying "your opinion is just that - opinion. Your opinion is not the truth and you aren't me so cannot make my decisions for me.".

Thehop · 26/10/2018 22:00

Good luck OP

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 22:03

No need to be nasty. No one would enjoy in any way what is happening at the moment, no one. I think it’s hugely insensitive to say that
She wants to talk about it all the time so I thought it best to give her one last opportunity instead of just shutting her down as that seems really insensitive to me. And I know that’s what she’d accuse me of if I did do that. I thought I’d talk to them all at once then it draws the line once and for all that’s all. Rather than have a similar conversation three times. I don’t even know why I’m replying - thanks to everyone who’s been nice

OP posts: