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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister the discussion is over?

207 replies

Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:34

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 26/10/2018 08:39

Of course, you can tell your sister not to bring this up as it’s upsetting, but it looks like she feels stronger than you thought about it and wants you to change your mind because it’s still possible. You can’t blame her for trying. My mum always does this, towards anyone.
By the way your sister might see this differently and even more clearly from outside (it happens).
Also as she is older she probably feels protective towards you and sort of responsible for your wellbeing. My older sister certainly does. It’s easier now , but it was more difficult before I had my DD. And the whole family like this - as I’m the youngest so they all feel that I need my older sister’s advice on all issues . So I often announce my decisions after, when they are irreversible. I also have different views with my sister, wouldn’t say old fashioned against modern, just different priorities.
Do you need your sister support on this or just some space to think everything over? If you need her support, it’s more tricky.

Undercoverbanana · 26/10/2018 08:40

You can’t live your life to please your sister, OP. Or indeed anyone else.

itsaboojum · 26/10/2018 08:48

100% your decision.

Making that decision even though your sister disagrees = 100% reasonable.

Expecting your sister's support = 0% reasonable.

SunnyCoco · 26/10/2018 08:51

I get why you don’t want to say what it is, but obviously it’s hard to advise as you’re saying “i want to do something my sister doesn’t like, what do you think?”

And obviously it does depend on what it is.
I’m assuming it’s about sex gender reassignment for you or one of your kids

I would say do the best possible thing for you and your immediate family, but be kind and gentle to your sister and don’t expect her support when she has been clear that she disagrees with your decision

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/10/2018 08:52

Struggling to give advice without knowing what the decision is.

YANBU to want to make your own decision on this.
YABU to expect her to support you if it goes against her strongly held views.

Is it surrogacy? That’s a biggie.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/10/2018 08:53

Sorry, not expecting an answer. That should have read, “If it’s surrogacy” not “Is it”

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 26/10/2018 08:55

I'm sure your situation is different from mine but I had/still to some extent still have a similar issue with my sister over my decision to have children.

To most people, I'm the elder sibling so it makes some sort of logical sense that I would have DC first. Except I was always the awkward unpopular child, and even my parents really expected me not to settle down and have children possibly at all, let alone first. Its caused great upset to their world view that I did it. Except I was in my 30s when I started, I'm nearly in my 40s now and as I've been in a bad way gynae speaking now cannot have more without posing serious risk to mine and its life following an operation (still a real possibility of needing a hysterectomy lurking too). Sister is still without children and if I'd waited I'd also be childless.

Its upset her greatly. But I knew I couldn't live my life to please her. It was never her choice to make.

You can't live your life to please her either.

Ennirem · 26/10/2018 08:59

To most people, I'm the elder sibling so it makes some sort of logical sense that I would have DC first. Except I was always the awkward unpopular child, and even my parents really expected me not to settle down and have children possibly at all, let alone first. Its caused great upset to their world view that I did it.

My family is fucked all the way up but I still can't imagine how on earth people can be bothered about who settles down and has kids first (assuming you're not a bloody teenager). Literally who on earth cares and why??? And how on earth do you express that displeasure without sounding a total dimlow even to yourself?? Mind-boggling.

swingofthings · 26/10/2018 09:00

We can guess it's something to do with a child, surrogacy, adoption, egg donation. Either way, it is your life. We make decisions all the time that can impact emotionally on our family.

Ultimately when it comes to whether you'll get upset by not doing something vs upsetting a sibling if you do, you'd be mad to opt for the latter, you live your life for yourself before you live it for others unless the decision is life threatening.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 26/10/2018 09:06

Ennirem My family aren't entirely backwards at coming forward and don't really stop their mouths to tell me when I've gone against their ideas. Other than their surprise I actually met someone who wanted to be with me and was nice, I've had lovely gems such as their complete surprise I actually parent well or that I've had decent jobs. Unsurprisingly I'm very LC with them now as they're all pretty fucked up. Luckily my ILs are supportive in general, they're their own brand of crazy but not nasty.

AlphaBravo · 26/10/2018 09:07

Is it IVF OP? Or Adoption?

They're the only things I can think of unless you're changing faith.

MarthasGinYard · 26/10/2018 09:11

'COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.'

'I think she'd find out' well she'd 'find out' for sure if it was any of the above so I doubt it's to do with a dc.

No good keep guessing really some tiny things in life are huge to others.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 26/10/2018 09:13

I would guess egg sharing in order to reduce cost of IVF.

But, whatever it is, none of us actually need to know. It is just nosiness, people keeping pushing the OP to say.

Whatever it is, OP, you have to live your life, according to your morals and if this is something that fits right for you and your family group, do it. Tell her that it is no longer up for discussion.

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 09:18

I think it depends on the nature of the decision. If you are making a decision about yourself/your body/your career/your finances then you only need to consider yourself and your dependants. If you are making a decision on the behalf of another person e.g. your child, a parent with dementia etc. and that person is someone she cares about them that is different. It is unreasonable to expect to shut up while she watches you do harm to someone she cares about even if you don’t agree that it is harmful.

janetheimpaler · 26/10/2018 09:19

It is only an emotional problem for her, if she has to make the decision. She doesn't, you do, so she isn't entitled to own a problem. She needs to be compassionate now and allow you to own your decision and as an adult she should live with it.

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2018 09:22

You just have to accept that you may not get the sort of unconditional support you might have hoped for. But it is totally decision to go ahead.

Your sister’s emotions are not and should not be your responsibility. I mean that in the best way - I love my sister dearly but she would recognise that my life is mine and her emotions are hers. We can agree to disagree. I hope yours does too. Flowers

MardyArabella · 26/10/2018 09:23

I disagree with people saying it’s unreasonable to expect her sisters support.

Her sister has voiced her opinion. Op still wants to do what her mind is set on. Sister should either shut up or support OP. Nobody has the right to shove their own beliefs down anyone’s throat.

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/10/2018 09:23

If it is something that is against your sister's views/beliefs, I do think you are being unreasonable to expect her support in this. Why is her support so important to you that she has to change her mind about her view? A month isn't so long to talk about something tbh, do you have doubts about this yourself that she has hit on?

If you are hoping that she will see you as being 'right' in this decision, I would let that thought go because I doubt either of you are going to change your mind. She is entitled to her opinion.

MardyArabella · 26/10/2018 09:25

Op isn’t expecting her sister to support her. She’s expecting her sister to stop trying to talk her out of something she wants to do. Especially because this decision doesn’t effect her sister directly.

ShawshanksRedemption · 26/10/2018 09:27

I would always say it's your decision to make about your own life @Wheresthewishmagic but if that decision has any repercussions for your sister then it'll be hard for her to move on.

For example, if you were to change sex, that would impact her every time she sees you and she may not be able to move on from it. If it was egg donation, she may feel she has a niece/nephew out there somewhere and find that hard to accept.

By all means consider her feelings, but ultimately you need to do what you feel is right for you. However you can't expect her to live with your choices if she fundamentally disagrees with them and cannot move past it. She may need to distance herself in order to cope with it for example.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/10/2018 09:32

Perhaps she hs got the message that she is somehow part of the decision making process??

You need to frame it as - it seems we re never going to agree... But I'd like that as my sister you give me your love and support...

Tinty · 26/10/2018 09:39

OP Does your Sister disagree because she not only feels it will effect her emotionally but also is it something she feels you may regret and will affect your life badly if you go ahead with it.

ie: egg sharing if you don't have a baby and someone else gets pregnant with your baby eggs.

or transitioning but she thinks you are making a mistake.

Is it as cut and dried as you both have different views, or is it that she feels you are making a mistake which could have serious consequences for you in the future?

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 26/10/2018 09:39

What the decision is, is nobody else's business including all of on here.

My reading is: you have made up you mind that you will take a certain course of action, which has no immediate direct effect on her life, and you want her to respect that.

Only she can decide how that affects her relationship with you. Eg, she may disagree so fundamentally that she doesn't want to stay in touch, or she may stay in touch but be cold or angry or nasty towards you; she may badmouth you to other friends and family members - not even necessarily over the course of action you are taking, but about other (imaginary, untrue) things.

Stop expecting her support; at the moment, the best you can hope for is acceptance. In time, she may soften, but there's no guarantee; she might even strengthen her opposition. But you can't influence that: her reactions are hers and only she can decide how she will behave towards you after you have done what you will do.

Is there any, small part of you is hesitating because of her reaction? Is that's what's really bothering you?

Also, what support do you have from other people?

You don't have to answer here, but I hope this is food for thought.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/10/2018 09:41

Op isn’t expecting her sister to support her

She says in her OP that she does want her sister to support her.

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/10/2018 09:42

Mardy and Devils the OP says in her first post

I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister

Which is why quite a few posters are saying that it's a bit unreasonable to expect her sister to support her if it's something against her views.