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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister the discussion is over?

207 replies

Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:34

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

OP posts:
SEsofty · 26/10/2018 08:09

Assuming it’s adoption or ivf or something else involving children. So fundamentally your life will change but she is part of extended family.

If you knew that she would disapprove why did you discuss it in the first place?

You need to realise that she is not going to give you emotional support which she has been clear about

SummerStrong · 26/10/2018 08:10

I think you need to trust your decisions, look after yourself and rely on your partner, not your sister. I wouldn't be discussing important decisions like this with her and allowing her to weigh in on your life. You have given her the right to judge your decisions (by taking them to her) she seems too close to your life and that's unhealthy.

RJnomore1 · 26/10/2018 08:11

Are you Sinead O'Connor op? Cos if so it's all out there already...

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/10/2018 08:12

The fact you use the term 'it is against her principles' makes me wonder if it is something illegal or morally dubious?

If you know it upsets her then try not to discuss/debate it with her

YABU expecting her to tell you she approves if she doesn't

YANBU making your own way in life and sometimes making decisions which you feel are right for you even if you know others might not approve

reallybadidea · 26/10/2018 08:13

From what you've said, it's got absolutely nothing to do with her. Whatever these principles are, they're her principles and she can use them to guide her life, but not anyone else's IMHO. I mean she's free to give her point of view, but why you've carried on debating with her all these time is a mystery to me.

OrdinarySnowflake · 26/10/2018 08:16

I guess the problem that you asked her opinion in the first place, giving her the impression it was jointly her decision to make.

Stop discussing it. Tell her when it's done. In the future, don't involve her in your decision making process unless you are going to give equal weight to her opinions.

Poloshot · 26/10/2018 08:17

Sounds like it's nothing to do with her. Don't entertain her shit anymore, she knows you're not interested in hearing it now so just tell her.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:19

Yes you hit the nail on the head - fundamentally my life will change but she is part of extended family and it’s against her principles so is affecting her emotionally

No it’s not illegal, morally dubious? I guess it depends what your morals are! Some people are against gay marriage (including my sister) but I’m not so we have different opinions on what is morally dubious

Haha no I’m not Sinead O’Connor

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:20

@reallybadidea
I didn’t want to upset her more by shutting her down before this, I guess I hoped I could convince her

OP posts:
MardyArabella · 26/10/2018 08:22

No op, she shouldn’t keep preaching to you after you’ve made your decision. She should respect that it’s not actually anything to do with her. It’s your body, your choice.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:22

@OrdinarySnowflake
Yes I can see that she might feel because I’ve talked about it with her it’s at least part her decision... I didn’t think about it like that

OP posts:
Gingerrogered · 26/10/2018 08:22

Are you transitioning?

The only thing besides that, that I can think of is that you’re going to do something political which will get you in the news.

SeaViewBliss · 26/10/2018 08:24

Is she the only person close to you who doesn’t agree with it? Do ou have the support of your DM or DHS family?

If you have the support of others, that will help you deal with her disapproval.

Wendygoesfar · 26/10/2018 08:24

Egg donation?

LittleMissMarker · 26/10/2018 08:24

If you are still thinking about you could stop her and say "I really appreciate your support and I’ve heard your views (or concerns), but I do have to make this decision myself. Hearing you say it all over again isn't helping me." and then refuse to discuss it further. It's up to her whether she supports you in future. You can't have it both ways - she may not be able to support you in doing something that goes against her principles.

If you are spending her inheritance or marrying her boyfriend, then it's worth acknowledging that it's hard on her. But I would not say anything about it being "hard on her" if your decision has no direct effect on her and her only reason for being upset is because she cares about you and she disapproves or worries. Instead I would say "I know you're saying it because you really care about me, but it has to be my decision" and reassure her that you will still care as much about her whatever happens.

AjasLipstick · 26/10/2018 08:26

It sounds like the decision involves one other person. That this other person is the driving force behind your choice OP.

And THAT is the crux here. Your sister is worried about your wellbeing and mental health.

Don't agree to it. I think I know what it is.

TidyDancer · 26/10/2018 08:27

I think you have the right to make your own decisions for you, but I would've shut this down as soon as she found out by just telling her you weren't courting opinions, this was a personal matter.

However, while I do understand your reluctance to give full information, it's really very difficult for you to get specifically relevant advice.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:28

@SeaViewBliss
My mum wasnt on board initially but has come around said she will support me whatever I decide. DPs family are very supportive. So I am lucky that I’ve got other support around me

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 26/10/2018 08:29

You can do what you like OP but be prepared for others, family included, to distance themselves from you emotionally in order to manage their own feelings/ beliefs.
You have every right to do what you like and they have every right to choose not to be part of it.

Littlebluebird123 · 26/10/2018 08:31

I think the main problem is just what you said, you hoped you'd convince her. It rarely works like that.
Ultimately it's your decision and like everything in life, some people won't like what you choose. But it doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't do it.
Do you think you'd ever be persuaded by your sister? If not, then the likelihood is that you'll continue to disagree.
I think you need to own your decision and understand that she won't support you but will eventually be able to move past it and still be your sister.

Iloveacurry · 26/10/2018 08:31

It’s your life, it’s your decision, and not hers.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:33

I just feel totally stuck as I want to do this but I feel like I’m creating a problem for her. I can’t make this situation disappear (*l wish I could) agh life is just shit and complicated sometimes

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 26/10/2018 08:33

If the shoe was on the other foot do you believe she would go against her beliefs to appease you?

No matter what I would do want you believe is best for you. Explain to her it's your decision to make and you need to do what's best for you. Tell her you'd love her support on this but you understand if she doesn't want to be involved and you want to move past it, as it's no longer up for discussion.

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 08:34

Creating an emotional problem for her... not a physical one

OP posts:
MardyArabella · 26/10/2018 08:37

Op if you go along with her way of thinking, will this decision create a responsibility for you that she won’t have to deal with on a daily basis but you and your dp will?

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