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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister the discussion is over?

207 replies

Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:34

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

OP posts:
florafawna · 26/10/2018 09:43

Agree to disagree. Carry on.

TheWernethWife · 26/10/2018 09:45

You are giving your sister far too much power, your decision is made and should stand. Against Gay Marriage!!!, she doesn't need to have one then. I was saying to my wife this morning that I'm glad that we were able to have a civil partnership initially and then convert it into a marriage. I've married the love of my life and we have been together since meeting in 1985.

Thisreallyisafarce · 26/10/2018 09:47

This is hard, because I can't think of any scenario where her opinion should hold sway over yours, but I can think of several where, as a sister, I wouldn't stop going on about something I felt strongly about. Blush

captainproton · 26/10/2018 09:52

Are you changing religion in order to get married? My aunt did this a long time ago and it didn’t end well for her. She went from Christianity to Islam. If it’s something similar I could see why your sister may have concerns.

You need to learn to accept your sister will not agree with you and stop asking for her validation. She doesn’t have to agree with you, just distance yourself to give you both some peace.

MardyArabella · 26/10/2018 09:55

By support I read it as she should stop hammering her own beliefs into the op and just accept that it’s ops decision.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 26/10/2018 09:59

It sounds like it is a choice you and your partner are making jointly. If true, so long as you are not being coerced into something that should be a free choice, then go ahead.

Part of adulthood is making decisions as couples about your future.

It doesn’t seem like your sister is going to change her mind, so you may need to think through if it will affect your relationship with her, I guess that’s adulting too.

Ultimately, is this something you will regret not doing? And hard as it is which comes first, your future, or your relationship with your sibling?

Awaytome · 26/10/2018 10:03

Your sister is not the one faced with the decision making process and your sister is not the one who will live with the consequences of whichever decision you make, therefore, her opinion should be ignored really.

Chesterfieldsofa · 26/10/2018 10:08

Buying a house? Surrogacy? Becoming a politician?

Jaxhog · 26/10/2018 10:16

I think @ShawshanksRedemption has put her finger on it.

While it's your life so really up to you, if you think the emotional repercussions are likely to be high for your DS, then I do think you need to bear in mind that she may be upset. If you still think it's the right thing to do, then do it. But don't expect her to accept it, like it or support you. That's her choice too.

Molewoman · 26/10/2018 10:17

Is there any, small part of you is hesitating because of her reaction? Is that's what's really bothering you?

^^This would be my question, too. If you can confidently answer 'No', fine. You can then agree to differ, and your DSis must accept that the discussion was never hers to engage in is over.

But if you are indeed the tiniest bit hesitant, that's what you need to look at. Stop worrying about your sister's feelings. Concentrate on your own. It's your life. Don't let anyone else live it for you.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 26/10/2018 10:24

I think if I was your sister your closing statement in the OP would be completely reasonable.
I would know your position, and I could go away and mull over what my choices would then be, i.e whether I can get over my own personal beliefs and offer you support (if not affirmation), or if it is really too difficult, to say' I'm sorry but I can't and won't support you in this decision, I'm going to have to stay well out of it'.
Painful, but you are putting the ball in her court for her choice about how she reacts.
I'd say go ahead and tell her that.

greenlynx · 26/10/2018 11:00

You said that your PIL are supporting you, your Mum wasn't at first and now came around. I suspect from this that your decision is more in your partner's interests than in yours. Of course, you are family and so on but still... If this the case I can't blame your sister for trying especially if she thinks she's right.
Are you sure you are not doing something to please your partner and his family or to prove how liberal you are?

SemperIdem · 26/10/2018 11:15

You can ask her not to discuss it anymore but you cannot demand (or expect) her support if it is something she strongly disagrees with.

bluegreygreen · 26/10/2018 11:18

YWNBU to tell her the discussion is over and you've made your decision - if you really have and there's no doubt involved?

YWBVU to ask for her support when you know the decision will go against her principles

Original poster
Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 11:59

Thanks everyone, you’ve given me a lot to think about. Yes by support I don’t mean I need her as my cheering squad but more I’d like her to stop going on at me about it and let me move forward with the decision.
I guess then the ball is in her court as to whether it ultimately damages our relationship, or not.
I’m not being coerced. It’s my decision (with my partner) and I don’t have doubts. I’m just sad I guess it’s had to create such drama... I think I was living in a wishful world where we could all agree (or at least agree to disagree) but that doesn’t seem possible

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/10/2018 12:14

If you are fundamentally so different in your outlook then this can’t be the first time you have disagreed on something fairly major? Obviously not to this degree but certain issues?

That being so, you have managed to maintain enough of a relationship that you really do care about her support, approval or at least acceptance of your decision. So I would suspect that in time she will come to accept this even if she basically doesn’t agree.

.

Good luck with your project or issue whatever it is.

SimplyPut · 26/10/2018 12:35

Two situations I have witnessed both included religious beliefs.

One friend had ivf using donated eggs and her father cited they were test tube babies and not gods children. This was at odds with his daughter who believes god gave her them. He has no relationship with his twin grandsons and the family remains fractured .

Secondly a friend converted to another religion upon marrying her husband... all family practicing Catholics attended their Muslim wedding ceremony except a brother who 'couldn't understand '.

Family matters but your happiness and life choices matter too.

Yamayo · 26/10/2018 12:36

Depends what it is but some objections can be unforgivable.
Is it adoption?

Eliza9917 · 26/10/2018 12:43

How does your decision affect your sister?

Eliza9917 · 26/10/2018 12:46

If its an abortion, its none of her business, it doesn't effect her at all and she's not entitled to an opinion (about what you choose to do) either way.

Hissy · 26/10/2018 12:51

Look love, if you are old enough to use the internet without asking the billpayer you are old enough to make the decisions that are right for you AND for you only if that's what you want to do.

You DON'T need her buy in or anyone elses.

Is this the decision to have kids without being married first?

Even if it's abortion/adoption/IVF/new religion/giving up meat/giving up vegetarianism or even deciding to INCREASE your use of single-use plastics, none of this is a discussion point with your sister.

The shut down goes like this - "Sis, I told you because I (perhaps wrongly) felt that it would be better if you heard it from me, but NOT for any other reason than to advise you of what I was doing. I'm not seeking your opinion or approval. You can agree to disagree with me and leave it there. I for one won't be discussing it again with you."

roundtable · 26/10/2018 12:53

I think it depends on some factors. Like your age or whether your vulnerable or have a history of mental illness.

Or it could be that it's none of her business. Bit hard to tell. Just make sure you're being honest with yourself op and go from there. It has to be your decision alone. Good luck.

roundtable · 26/10/2018 12:54

You're vulnerable not your!

Yamayo · 26/10/2018 13:03

Hissy the reason I was wondering if it was adoption was the ongoing emotional effect on sister.

Shutdown wouldn't work if sister is refusing to see an adopted child as her niece/nephew because they're not actual blood relation.

elliejjtiny · 26/10/2018 13:05

I think the discussion is over and she should respect your views.

Ps I think you are either going to be a surrogate, donating a kidney or having drastic cosmetic surgery