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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister the discussion is over?

207 replies

Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:34

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 27/10/2018 22:14

You are of course entitled to make your own choices as an adult. She is entitled to her own feelings about thos choices.
Impossible to reply truthfully though , when we have no idea at all what the issue is.
There are various things that my sibling could do that would be very hard for me to ever accept or support, and that would change our relationship forever.
So without even knowing what sort of thing you are talking about it is impossible to comment on your sister’s stance.

searose · 27/10/2018 23:29

All you can do in any circumstance is to make the best choice you can. She accept your decision once you have gone ahead with it. It might just be that whilst you have not taken any action she feels she has a duty to try and influence you to make the better choice as she see's it. Or you might have to accept that this makes a difference to how she feels about you and your relationship is never quite the same again. If you know you would regret not going ahead and that you have chosen the better path for your life that is all you can do. Good Luck with it

Angelf1sh · 28/10/2018 05:24

Just make your own decisions about your own life and she’ll have to live with it. There’s no reason to lie because it’s your decision. It’s really not that difficult.

Birdie69 · 28/10/2018 05:38

You are both adults, surely you don't have to share everything with her ? I'd never ask my sister's opinion on anything - my life, my choice. I find it hard to imagine an adult needing validation as much as you apparently do.

Doesntlooklikeanythingtome · 28/10/2018 06:37

If it’s breast implants don’t do it. I regret mine and am stuck with these lumps.

Loopytiles · 28/10/2018 06:51

OP STILL hasn’t revealed the actual issue?

You’ve said it’s not emigrating, or something else that could actually affect family members’ lives.

If it’s abortion or egg donation it’s your body and choice.

If it’s seeking to have DC through sperm donation or adoption that’s solely for you and DP to decide (if you’re not married and you were my sister I’d encourage you to continue to work FT!)

Might need work with your sister to be more (autonomous) “adult to adult” with each other. Or don’t tell her (or other family members) stuff that doesn’t concern them!

penisbeakers · 28/10/2018 07:10

This reply has been deleted

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BlancheM · 28/10/2018 07:37

It doesn't take much reading between the lines to see what this is about. I'm so sorry OP Thanks I can see why having an influential sibling on side or at least being understanding would help but you owe her no more headspace at the moment.
You need to be surrounded be support only.

WinnieFosterTether · 28/10/2018 09:55

tbh all the posters expecting unstinting support from their siblings and saying they'd always give unstinting support are rather naive.

If a sibling was in an abusive relationship and being manipulated into an illegal activity by a DP, then it's not as clear cut.

If a sibling was being pressured by a DP into revealing family information or secrets (eg selling a story to the press) then it's unlikely her family would be happy about it.

For me, it's telling that OP's family aren't supportive and her DP's family are. Now either OP's family are generally unsupportive/belong on the stately homes thread or this is a decision being very much pushed by her DP. Only OP knows that. Just as she's the only one who knows what the decision actually involves.

BackInRed · 28/10/2018 10:03

Wheresthewishmagic is obviously choosing to get an abortion.

Maybe there is something wrong with the baby or maybe the timing just isn't right for her and her partner. Either way, her body, her choice.

AcademicOwl · 28/10/2018 10:14

It genuinely is hard to advise without knowing the details, but understand why you don’t want to.

TBH, the one are I can see a sibling having a strong view would be on genetic testing for something. But that’s a really really specific dilemma and probably isn’t what you’re facing.

I do hope it gets resolved for you.

AcademicOwl · 28/10/2018 10:15

*one area.
Bloody autocorrect.

LimpyLampy · 28/10/2018 10:16

I’m guessing the OP is changing her faith or entering what her sister feels is a cult. However I have NO idea but I am bemused at those saying it must be an abortion.

museumum · 28/10/2018 10:27

Is it something private (like abortion or ivf or egg donation) where there was no need for her to ever know? In which case you really shouldn’t have told her. Just shut down all discussion now.

But if something public like marrying a same sex partner or adopting or transitioning then I guess the issue is more around going forward. Will she be unpleasant in social situations going forward or make life awkward? That needs discussing now imo and any innocent party involved sheltered from her views which might mean stopping contact Sad

Dahlietta · 28/10/2018 10:31

I know in these sorts of post people always badger to know exactly what it is, but I do agree that this is a case where it's difficult to advise without knowing because we can't tell to what extent it actually affects the sister and her relationship with the OP.

LimpyLampy · 28/10/2018 10:38

But the OP isn’t asking advice about what she should do. She has made her mind up and is happy with her decision.

She is really asking how to tell her sister that the discussion is now closed while presumably still maintaining her sister’s friendship. The OP can easily do the first one. The second not so easily and nobody on this thread can offer any help with this.

Puddingmama2017 · 28/10/2018 10:48

I think I’ve got it, but I don’t understand the timeline.

I believe it’s euthanasia.

OP, if i’m right. Flowers

Dahlietta · 28/10/2018 10:48

That's true, LimpyLampy, but I suppose I read it as something like, 'how unreasonable is it for me to tell my sister that's it not really any of her business and she should shut up about it?' which I think is difficult when we don't really know the extent to which it affects her.

Ultimately, I agree that if the OP has made up her mind, she is not being unreasonable to tell her sister that the discussion is over, but, as you say, we can't say to what extent her sister is going to accept that.

Sallystyle · 28/10/2018 11:07

I believe it’s euthanasia.

I have no idea where you got that from. It could be absolutely anything.

OP, you just need to tell her that discussion is over and do what is best for you.

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 11:10

I have a sister and i would absolutely expect support from her, and would give support to her, even where a decision is made that I fundamentally disagree with and think is wrong and damaging to her.

Nobodt has a right to expect support no matter what. There are some things in life that people will feel that people will be completely unable to support and that is their right to do so.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/10/2018 11:22

I agree with SillySally. There are things that I would not feel I could “support” my sibling in doing.
Using a surrogate mother being one of them, but there are other things.

Jux · 28/10/2018 11:41

AnniAnoniMouse. No. I still don't see it. To take your example of controlling dp forcing op into having an abortion: you want to know what the decision concerns, op says "it's an abortion". So now you know, and then you need to ask "is your dp forcing you into this?". Well, you can ask that question anyway, you don't need to know what it's about to ask it, do you?

Same with emigrating to Australia. You can ask why the sister is so concerned, about changes in relationships and dynamics of relationships still without knowing what the actual decision is about.

Neither of those require you to know the subject of the decision in order to query further. What would make you change your advice to the op?

I suspect that some people are just indulging in virtual village gossip when they say they can't possibly tell whether the op is being unreasonable about drawing the line under discussions unless they know what it's all about.

Convince me otherwise. Find a decent reason why you need to know.

museumum · 28/10/2018 11:46

My examples: abortion or adoption.

Abortion “I’ve made my decision, now let’s never mention it ever again”

Adoption “I’ve made my decision and x is going to be part of our family and from now on they will be present and you will have to be nice to them and give no indication ever of your disproval, for us this will look like...”

The second situation requires far more discussion than the first.

Sleeplikeasloth · 28/10/2018 11:49

I don't think it is abortion actually, as it doesn't quite add up.

The op thinks thst if she lies, her sister 'may' find out in the future. Given they've been arguing about it for a month, a sudden miscarriage would be very suspicious, and the Op would likely be past the point of a miscarriage being a high risk (discussing it for at least a month = probably 8-9 weeks minimum).

Honestly though Op, no one can really advise you if we don't know what this is about.

soulrider · 28/10/2018 11:59

Not unreasonable to not want to discuss it any further but unreasonable if you require specific support relating to this decision when she fundamentally disagrees with it

If my sister was doing something I strongly disagreed with I wouldn't ruin the relationship over it but I think expecting my support with that action would be unreasonable.

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