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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister the discussion is over?

207 replies

Wheresthewishmagic · 26/10/2018 07:34

My older sister and I have different values on a lot of things - I am very liberal with my views and she is very conservative. This means that we clash - but it’s always been fairly good natured in the past as it’s been on hypotheticals.
Unfortunately now we’re clashing over a decision I’m making that goes very much against her world views. We’ve talked about it for at least a month, she’s put forward her arguments and I’ve put forward mine but I’ve realised we simply cannot agree.
I COULD choose to not go ahead with this action, however I strongly believe in it and would upset me greatly to not go ahead.
I COULD choose to lie to her about it but I think she’d find out in the future and that would be worse.
I guess therefore I’m choosing to go ahead and be honest about it even though I know it will upset her.
Even if I don’t talk about it she keeps bringing it up which is starting to really upset me and my partner.
This decision has a timeline against it... it can’t wait.
Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her “I’ve heard your views, I understand this is hard on you, but the discussion is over - it’s my decision, I’m going ahead and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave it now and support me as your sister”

Sorry for the vagueness I don’t want to share too much. I guess I would say this is something that does affect her slightly but me greatly... in the way that anyone part of my family would be slightly affected if they knew. This is something that is 100% my decision to make.

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 26/10/2018 22:09

If it is abortion and you know her views on it, why did you feel the need to tell her, knowing her stance? Actually what ever it is if you know it's something that would upset her, why do you feel need for t drama llama attention seekingness of involving her, then the increased drama of involving other family?

MardyArabella · 26/10/2018 22:12

I think people are being a bit hard on op considering she’s said her decision will be difficult for her. Flowers

selfishcrab · 26/10/2018 22:16

You will need to agree to disagree OP.
You have your choice on what is ok/best for you, she has the choice of supporting or not supporting you.
Choice is the word as having a differing option/view is exactly what it is a choice.
You need to do what you need to do and she has the choice to accept that or not.

BakedBeans47 · 26/10/2018 22:16

How it is couched in your OP would not be unseasonable at all.

Hope you’re OK x

BakedBeans47 · 26/10/2018 22:17

UNREASONABLE!!!

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/10/2018 22:33

My friend went through something like this when she decided to terminate a pregnancy on medical grounds (Trisonomy 21). Various members of her family were horrified that she was even considering it and it put her in a very difficult position. She was dealing with the awful emotions of her decisions and also dealing with the stress her family put on her too because they didn’t agree with what she was doing. I really felt for her, it was awful.

I hope you and your sister manage to find a way to draw a line be under this. My sister, who I’m very close to, has definitely done some things in her past that I struggle to accept or understand but I know they were her decisions to make and because I love her I didn’t let it affect our relationship.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this Flowers

Jux · 27/10/2018 00:38

Good luck, Wheres.

KioreWahine · 27/10/2018 07:27

Is your sister concerned because your decision goes against her ideals, or because she thinks you will regret it?

It sounds like you have thought hard and that there is no 'good' choice here, just a least crap one. You just have to make the best choice you can, with the knowledge you have right now, and try not to look backwards.

Good luck OP.

purplecorkheart · 27/10/2018 07:42

You do not need to have a final discussion with your sister. You and your dp have made up your mind. Having another discussion is giving your sister false hope that she can change your mind.

You need to be very firm with her and if she brings the topic up you to tell her that the discussion is closed and do not engage further. Even if this means walking away/hanging up on her/ going nc till it is over.

Upsy1981 · 27/10/2018 07:48

I suspect your situation is an abortion on medical grounds. If that is the case, I am so very sorry. Please proceed as you said in your OP. You and your partner have clearly given it a lot of thought. Tell your sister you no longer wish to discuss it and immediately shut down any further attempts at conversation about it. Only she can decide if her role as your sister or her beliefs are more important and nothing you can do can influence that decision.

OliviaStabler · 27/10/2018 08:02

You've said you've made your decision. Then, whatever it is, you will have to live with the repercussions both good and bad.

Whatever the subject matter, I doubt you'll convince your sister to your viewpoint so don't try. Your decision might permanently damage your relationship but you are adamant that this decision is right for you so you'll have to accept that if it happens unfortunately.

LittleMissMarker · 27/10/2018 08:18

If she accuses you of shutting her down then agree with her - "yes I am shutting you down because I have heard your arguments/feelings about it now, and repeating them doesn't change anything, it's only adding to my distress. I am still making the decision I am making".

It is possible that she will keep on at you for as long as you allow her to keep on at you, and perhaps no matter what you say or how say it she will be angry with you for "not listening to her", meaning "not doing what she tells you". In the end you may have to shut her down.

Wishing you the best with this difficult situation. Flowers

gamerwidow · 27/10/2018 08:23

Her principles belong to her not you and you don’t have a responsibility to live up to them. You have to live your life and if you are comfortable with the decision it’s enough. It’s up to your sister to work out if she can live with the decision too. If she can’t then you’ll have to part ways but that will be her choice which she is entitled to make too.

givemesteel · 27/10/2018 08:41

I think if it is egg donation to subsidise the fist of ivf then that obviously does affect her, as it means that there could be children genetically related to her who will be born and you'll never know anything about them.

Egg donation is something personally I couldn't do as I wouldn't be able to detach myself from children derived from my eggs being "mine".

I confess would find it weird if my sister decided to donate her eggs, but her children would never have been mine anyway so I would support her despite my feels so long as I thought she had thought through the connotations (eg what if the egg they get is successfully fertilised but yours isn't, woukd you always be wondering what happened to those children, eg if you saw a child with a family likeness)?

I would recognise it was her decision so Yanbu if it is that.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/10/2018 10:09

I think you just have to tell her the subject is closed. If you can’t have her support, and she is not obliged to give this, then the least she can do is keep out of it. Sorry you are having a horrible time.

flirtygirl · 27/10/2018 10:35

The drawing a line conversation is a good idea.
Of course you should make the best decision for yourself, it's your life.

However you should not expect your sister to support you, if you know it goes against her sense of morality as that is asking her to change a part of herself.

Draw a line and close the subject. She should respect your wishes and carry on.

If it does affect your relationship then that's the chance you take, to live your own life on your own rules with your own decisions.

From the other side, if I fundamentally disagree and can't offer my support because of it, then I distance myself a little. If it will affect you sister emotionally then she has the right to do this. But she does not have the right to badger you and to keep going on about it. This is not acceptable.

Good luck.

steppemum · 27/10/2018 10:50

it is interesting that so many are saying they need to know what it is before they can comment.
Why?

Well, I think the reason is that then you (random person in the internet) will agree or disagree depending on you own view of that subject, eg if you support surrogacy or not, will colour your view of the OPs decision.

Actually, unless that decision is going ot put OP in danger in some way, now or in the future, then it is really irrelevant what the subject area is.

I have VERY different views on life to my siblings. If asked I will happily discuss what I think and why, but it would never occur to me to think that they should follow my view, if their view is different. And I would support them in their very different view. Why? because it is not my choice but theirs, and because that is what I think love is.

Support doesn't mean agree. It means being there as a family, whatever the circumstances.

OP, you must have the freedom to do what you think is right/best. Of course you can say to your sister - we have talked it through, you have told me what you think and I have listened and taken it into account, but I am making my own decision. Please don't bring it up again.

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/10/2018 12:11

steppemum - I guess it's because the OP's judgement on if it will effect the sister or not does rather depend on what it is.

(eg, if its putting a parent in a home without giving the sister a chance to make alternative care arrangments.)

It probably doesn't effect the sister, but there have been some threads on here where the OP has been certain that their choice won't effect anyone else, and other posters have had to point out that it would have a knock on effect on wider families/community.

steppemum · 27/10/2018 13:00

you may be right snowflake but I am not convinced, from what the OP has posted, it doesn't sound as if that is the case.

Jux · 27/10/2018 14:59

I doubt it too, Snowflake. It's a personal decision which has been made by the op and her dp together. There is no need to know more really. It has no practical effect on the sister; their mother is on board and able to put her own personal feelings about it aside and promise op support.

The sister just needs to accept that whatever it is, the discussions has been a party to were a courtesy.

mummymeister · 27/10/2018 15:33

OP, I am not being nasty to you. I just think that there are some people who want to endless discuss and what they actually mean is that they want me to change my point of view. your sister isn't going to change and you are not going to change. you aren't shutting her down. what you are saying is "look, I have heard your point of view, I have considered it carefully because you are my sister, but at the end of the day I don't agree with it"

If she wants to talk about it all the time and you don't then giving her one last opportunity to speak about it would hold out the hope to her that you were going to change your mind, and you aren't.

Some decisions in life are just horrible. they are difficult and divisive. We will all have made decisions that our family members don't like and sometimes its an active dislike. but you are an adult. you have considered everything. you have gone out of your way to listen to what your sister says.

I honestly think if you call a family meeting with your sister and parents that it will get heated and someone will say something they didn't mean to that is really hurtful. it also puts your parents right in the middle of this since you will want them to agree with you and she will want them to agree with her. its your sister who keeps going on about it, so meet with her. Don't be the person in the family responsible for escalating this.

what the decision is, is actually irrelevant. You have to handle this so that there is minimal damage to all family relationships.

and she isn't going to stop talking about it. so you have to learn the broken record technique " I'm sorry sister that you don't agree with my decision, I have heard you, the decisions been made and I wont discuss it with you. "

Dillydallyer · 27/10/2018 17:28

As hard as it is, I think I would have to say something next time she brings it up. Something along the lines of ‘My decision is made. I understand this upsets you but, ultimately, this is something I need to do for myself and I can’t worry about upsetting other people. I don’t wish to talk about it anymore as it is only causing animosity that I don’t want.’ You have to live your life for you. This has a much bigger impact on your life than hers so you need to do what is best for you. Good luck, OP.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 27/10/2018 17:50

It is hard to say, without knowing with the descision is

If it is something that is going to affect her, then she has a right to an opinion

Anything else, no. If it is - as some pple suggest, an abortion....then really that is your business, and how she is responding is a choice

Good luck with her

Bluetrews25 · 27/10/2018 17:54

You just do what you need to do, Magic
No need for any more conversations as she will not change her mind suddenly and see where you are coming from. You will just have wasted time and emotional energy and got even more upset.
Your choice, and you have doubtless spent a long time thinking about it.
I hope things work out ok for you.

altiara · 27/10/2018 18:10

I agree with your suggested wording in the opening post. If you keep letting her talk to you, it’s saying you’re open to changing your mind. Shut it down. It’s none of her business. Just do it as soon as possible otherwise it’s unintentionally escalating into a drama.