AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

[Whereismumhiding2]

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

She was an arse. Being elderly is no excuse. My ds is severely autistic and we have a badge for him. I would have told her to mind her own business tbh.

Arseholes grow old too.

Yanbu she was being rude. You were entirely in the right obviously. She shouldn't have continued bothering you after the first enquiry - a single enquiry isn't unreasonable because a blue badge alone is unfortunately sometimes abused. People who are dishonest are more suspicious of dishonesty in others - I wonder if this woman, clearly a blue badge holder herself - regularly lets her non-disabled daughter use her blue badge to be able to park easily even when there is no one disabled in the car, and thus she concluded that you must be doing likewise and be using the blue badge of a disabled older relation?

With any luck you'll never see her again though, so let it be water off a duck's back.

What a horrible lady. My 10 year-old has ehlers danlos syndrome and we get this all the time.

Old and sweet voiced doesn’t mean she’s not an arsehole. She was totally out of order to challenge you. I don’t blame you for being upset, what a horrible experience

Don't engage in conversations of that sort. It wouldn't have mattered what you said to her, she would still be convinced you shouldn't have parked there. Either tell her to go away ( on repeat if necessary) or don't respond to anything she says. You could decide you have a phone call to make if you are worried about looking rude although she is being the rude one.

Being old doesn’t give you a free pass to be rude. It’s not ok for her to quiz you. That being said the message about hidden disabilities is relatively new and I suppose she genuinely may not have understood given her age. No excuses for her daughter though.

She was being an interferring busy body. Im sure others on here have had the same. Can any of them advise the best response?

Lol at the PPs saying she was an arsenal even though she was old & appeared sweet. (Sorry I find it hard to swear!) That's probably stronger word than I'd use but she did seem meanto keep going and not leave me be. It happened Saturday.

I'm surprised that people actually do this? How do others with hidden disabilities (not that mine is massively hidden) deal with this? How do you get past the shock at being asked to say how you are disabled by strangers?

I didn't tell her as I was thinking at the time 'i don't know you and my condition isn't gossip'

"a single enquiry isn't unreasonable because a blue badge alone is unfortunately sometimes abused"

Unless she has the authority to be checking it is unreasonable. Any comment someone made would get a terse reply from me.

Old people think they have the monopoly on disabled spaces. They eye anyone not a pensioner with suspicion. A lot act as if they are old people bays.

I have a bb for my ds and get questioned all the time. Always by old people.

Little 'sweet' old ladies can be twats too!
I have had severe RA since I was 19, as a fluctuating condition the severity of my disability waxes and wanes but the one thing that has remained consistent in the past 20yrs are the complete bastards that have decided I must be lying/ putting it on because I don't fit their fixed idea of what disability is. They are generally strangers, quite often old and mostly opinionated sods who lack empathy or compassion. It's really hard but your 10yo has the right idea - ignore and move on.
Don't let them occupy your headspace, you have more important things in life to get on with.
I sometimes snap back with a lecture but I generally find ignoring is the best thing and allows me to get on with my day.

I’m going to get shot for this but I actually find the oldest people tend to be the rudest about hidden disabilities. I think even 20/30 years ago those who had autism / learning disabilities / things like chronic autoimmune conditions etc etc would just either be institutionalised in horrible state asylums or die from the lack of medical knowledge we have now. As a consequence older people just don’t seem to be clued up about hidden disabilities. I have a son with autism and learning disabilities who attends a complex needs school and this is something all the other parents agree with me on.

I don’t know how you change it or challenge it. I don’t always have the energy to try to educate people, life is enough of a battle anyway. I do think mainstream tv needs to do more storylines and more awareness as this is the main form of media these people seem to watch.

(I also have hidden disabilities- I have Addison’s disease, anaemia, thyroid problems, asthma and chronic kidney issues - I’m 38 and “look” fit and healthy. I have been in Boots before waiting for a prescription - I have 9 different medications a month - and actually had someone say to me that I was taking up space in the queue for others that actually needed to be there... kind of ate their words when they saw the huge bag of stuff being handed to me)!

Thankyou MNers xxx I'm starting to feel a bit better already, as it did upset me. DD asked me why I was a bit teary when we got into the shop and said 'it's ok mum, I'll help you' All my DC are such a tonic. It can be embarrassing for them at times, although they also are great. ( I had a Zimmer at one point before my op last year, which we blinged up with bows & pompoms at the side.)

@gamerwidow that's a good point. I think her telling me 'her daughter thought so too' particularly hit home, as I suddenly felt 'are others looking at me judging too?'

It would be really helpful to know how others deal with similar strangers /that unfortunately come across as busybodies?
It's not in my nature to be rude.

I'm so sorry, there's no way you should have experienced that. I'd say try to forget about it, but I know that's easier said than done.

I don't know what to suggest in terms of a response. I'd be the same as you and completely blindsided.

If it helps to know you aren't alone, I have a medical condition that means I sometimes need to use a disabled loo. I have a radar key and a card to show people if I need to use a staff loo or something in an emergency.

I still feel really awkward using them and have the fear that I'm going to be confronted by an irate person when I leave with no visible issues. Or worse, stopped from going in then having an accident.

I also came out of a disabled loo recently and had a woman leave the long queue for the ladies and go in after me. I felt like I had given her permission to misuse it by not being visibly disabled (there were other unoccupied disabled loos, which presumably she would have used if she was disabled rather than queuing for the ladies)

I sometimes fantasise about saying something like 'I don't want to share my private medical details with you' or 'I'd appreciate you not judging me or my disability by my appearance, as I'm sure you would expect the same from anyone speaking to you'

Sorry for rambling

Don't listen to people like this you have every right for a disabled spot, and anything else that makes your life a little easier

Some old people are just so rude... I was taking my son to school last week, had my phone in my hand as we was running late so kept checking the time and as I was approaching the school through the car park the gate was being shut. Said to my 7 year old while checking what the time was to make sure it wasn't being shut early, we need to go main entrance as gate is shutting now. An elder lady getting in her car said in such a nasty way, well maybe if you wasn't on your mobile phone you might have got him to school on time

Ds is 8 and has a blue badge. We often get comments or looks from people.

We had one this morning when we went to the drs for the flu jab, gentleman questioned our use of the space. Annoyingly he didn’t question the older woman who got out before us who wasn’t actually displaying a badge though.

If someone is displaying a badge don’t question their use of the space. It really should be that simple!

Cross posted with some above. Thankyou, I've been reading your replies. XX

@WeeDangerousSpike
Oooh I like your suggested replies! Maybe I'll feel braver next time!

Oh I sympathise you poor thing and would have chipped in (nicely but clearly) if I’d happened to be going past you.

Someone once jumped on a person doing this to me and it made all the difference in the world. I wish I could have passed it on.

She just got the words out before I could form them about ‘not all disabilities are visible you know’ and several other things, and generally was my hero that day!

I used to get terribly upset about this type of thing until I realised I was no longer being challenged, and it occurred to be that I was no longer ‘passing as normal’. Bugger! I’m not sure which is worse!

The main thing is that no one has a right to look at you for a couple of seconds and decide to impose their non-specialised judgement on you. I wish they would realise that the world does not need or want to hear their proclamations.

Some people think that even if you have a blue badge they should still get priority. We have still got the looks outside the doctors even when ds is in his wheelchair.

My DS is 10 and has a 'hidden' disability. He has a blue badge which we use when he is out and about with me - no-one has ever said anything to me, but I get some filthy looks from people who are clearly wondering why I'm using a blue badge. I usually just stare back at them, waiting to see if one of them has the guts to actually ask, but they never do. I don't think I would be as polite as you were. The woman was an arse. I always think of that Michael McIntyre sketch where he says that when it comes to disabled parking spaces people are only satisfied if the driver opens the car door, falls out, and has to drag themselves across the ground.

Let the old woman and her daughter have their opinion, if they had any savvy between them they would know there are certain conditions to qualify for a blue disabled car parking badge. Stupid twunts!!!

My husband is disabled so we have a blue badge and I drive and people tend to ask me if I'm disabled! Which I'm not of course but I don't think it's any of their business so if challenged on not looking disabled I ask what kind of doctor they are that they can tell that so easily and suggest they go to medical school as they could save the government millions diagnosing so simply

"Well you don't look like an ignorant old trout, but appearances are obviously deceptive"