AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

[Whereismumhiding2]

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

I think people get more entitled as they get older - my DParents cant seem to cope if there are no parking spaces near enough for where they want to go, or they actually have to queue for anything. I am not sure quite why this is. To WAIT for the doctor for more than 20 minutes is "like a 3rd world country". I have realised that since Ive got older than 50 I am becoming more vocal myself without the added guilt i used to feel though....so maybe it happens to us all

Thankyou folks. I posted to see if there was another perspective and to work out how to deal with it as it was a shock to me.

And I'm hearing a couple different perspectives from a few people, who have every right to post, as this is AiBU afterall.

I think my overriding first reaction was this, and I can't put it better than @orchiddingme put it

It's very upsetting to get into this type of confrontation.... If you can't see the blue badge, the onus is on you to look for it, not for the disabled person to suddenly have to give an account of their disability to a random stranger

My DPB was clearly displayed. It was 6m away on dashboard of my car (where it should be) from where this woman stopped to harass me.

I can't get my head around that she didn't need to embarrass me or to continue with her "you don't look disabled & my daughter ...(who drove past in what 30seconds?!) ... thought so too!"
My disability isn't as hidden as others , you can see it when I move, but it doesn't immediately hit you.

I see people park in the disabled spots. A lively young driver jumps out of car, runs to back, gets bags, moves around the shop, looking very able-bodied indeed in every movement. Including when they load everything back in the car and put trolley away.

In meantime another not-so-well-looking person sits whole time in the passenger seat of the parking spot, reading a paper or drinking a cup of tea. Not looking uncomfy or anxious. The blue badge is probably for them. The BB is openly displayed.

I was told previously by MNers this was wrong. But this thread says if they have a BB, it's absolutely ok. There doesn't need to be a disabled person in the car at all, does there? Even though I'm sure I've seen that thread blow up on MN... "Is it ok if I use my mom's BB while she stays at home..." As long as the BB is displayed, the driver has the right (some say).

I don't police other people or mind a long walk across the carpark so I don't care what happens. But did notice. If I am lucky enough to live so long as to join most old people in being disabled, I won't mind a polite query about my parking privileges.

@DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops love your username!
Thankyou. And O...M...G!! That's a terrible story. *looksatgoogletofindthatTVdocumetary (if only to scare myself!)

YeOldeTrout - yes the disabled person has to be in the car with the badge. You shouldnt use it otherwise

Ye Old Trout What outcome are you hoping to achieve from your enquiries?

Do you really think someone who is not entitled to use that space will hop back in the car and move it because they've been challenged?

A wonderful disability rights campaigner I know always uses the phrase “Check the Permit, NOT the person” - and I have actually used it several times, too.

I have been abused many times since I started using mine, so I have some stock phrases in addition to the above one. If they say “You don’t look disabled”, I ask them for their business card, and tell them they are obviously more qualified than my neurosurgeon and specialists so I will start seeing them as a patient.

"Yes I am disabled, here is my blue badge"

"I do not wish to discuss it with a stranger"

This 100%! My DD has a DPB and her disabilities are invisible, but like you say it is very hard to get a badge in the first place and she needs one for medical reasons.

I once had an old lady yell out to me, "they are disabled bays and not for you!" as I got DD out of the car, I was so angry I shouted back that I have a disabled child and just as entitled to park here as any other badge holder.

Since she has had her badge we have had a lot of dodgy looks and under the breath remarks and all from the older generation.

Yes DPBs are abused but it's not down to the public to police this and attack genuine users, if they have up a disabled badge in a disabled bay what gives you the right to ask about their medical history.

@YeOldeTrout I think that would annoy me too. Doesnt seem a fair use of DPB but I'm pretty sure that rules cover when it can be used and when not. I wouldn't challenge someone on it though, as it may not be as it appears to a stranger. Besides anyone misusing it knows they are so will be sheepish or get caught eventually as they'll keep pushing.

I'm unlucky enough to not get to old age before I became disabled. I wonder if it's just the 'younger' disabled that get harrassed.

Your response should be "you don't look like an ignorant twat".

I also have people saying that to me, even when in my wheelchair, really pisses me of.

It’s never okay to ask someone why / if they need a disabled space (responding to comments upthread).

The traffic warden should respond appropriately if they aren’t displaying a blue badge - firstly by simply asking if they have their badge number if they are still in the car as they may have genuinely forgotten to display it- but it is NEVER down to anyone to judge / ask / make assumptions. It is incredibly rude and judgemental.

I don’t think people realise how difficult it is to actually get a blue badge. I have tried about 4 times now for my ds aged 6 who has autism and learning disabilities- he attends complex needs school and receives high rate care dla but our local authority (Norwich if I’m shaming them!) flatly refuse to give us a badge, and lots of families like us. They base it very much on how far someone can walk - whether they spend most of that screaming, banging themselves on the floor or flinging open car doors into other car doors isn’t relevant to them.

@zzzzz good point, I thought that too.

I'm not saying they should grill the driver - it should be nothing more than a simple and very polite 'are you sure you're entitled to park in those spaces?' type of query. If the driver says yes then that's fine, apologise and move on.

Do you think someone using the BB dishonestly would say so though?? They are hardly going to say oh no I shouldn't be parking here I'm using my mums badge etc. if they have a permit up you as a general member of public have no right to question them and the genuine BB user feels attacked and upset and in my case (with a disabled child rather than myself) has another reminder of that.

I don't police other people, Weezol, I have never enquired and doubt I ever will. as I wrote I don't police other people.

But if someone asked me when I was parked there, I wouldn't resent them for asking.

Reads like OP is embarrassed about her condition, is main reason she found the situation difficult. Like deep down OP doesn't believe she deserved her BB. I don't know why she couldn't explain she had a painful spinal problem. "Yes spinal problems are invisible. I can't see how good your spine is, either. Just be glad you don't have my problem."

All the awful crap that happens in world, all the deliberate hurting each other that bad people do. Weird that folk get so het up over a small thing like this.

@YeOldeTrout
@IAmBeyonceAlways is right. I don't read your post properly. It's illegal to use badge of DP is not in the car. If discovered, DPB will be removed as abuse of badge and person falsely using it fined. Then the DP is pretty much stuck!

ps: I do believe that challenging the CFs will reduce the risk of them doing it again, however much they may deny being wrong in the moment. I know I was like that as a child; I could do all sorts of naughty shit, the only thing I was afraid of was being found out. Fear of being found out and any punishment eventually stopped my mischief.

If someone parks up and isn't the BB holder, and the BB holder doesn't get out, that's badge misuse.

However, sometimes I have been into a shop and got tired/had a panic attack/wheelchair hurting my back and have returned to the car leaving DH to finish up shopping and paying.

I've had people knock on the car window and tell me that I shouldn't be sat in the car without knowing that I'd already been out of the car, or knowing that DH might be disabled!

Seriously, if the car has a blue badge in it, fuck off. It's nothing to do with you.

Being bothered by strangers in car parks isn't a small thing to some people. It certainly isn't a small thing to my severely autistic son who could react in a very distressing way.

I have MS. I just tell people to fuck off. I'm sick and tired of being polite about it.

Weird that folk get so het up over a small thing like this

It's not a fucking small thing! How ignorant!

To me, it's an absolutey HUGE thing that has stopped me leaving my house most of the time! If it happens when I'm out, it causes me to have panic attacks and flare ups. It could put me in hospital.

I get "het up" because it has a severe impact on my health and well-being and doesn't need to happen!

Old people can be dicks too. I find if they are, they demand respect for being old. They get cranky when I refuse to offer it. Just be rude back in future, they should have learnt early on that rudeness gets rudeness back. They were just too stupid to understand the concept.

Sadly BB spaces ARE sometimes abused, and it's unfortunate that the ID photo is on the reverse side (you have to display the date side up). I do think traffic wardens etc should check where necessary, but random members of the public challenging users is not on, and I must say I have never seen this happen.

Hi @YeOldeTrout. We cross posted.

I'm OP and I'm not embarrassed about my condition nor that I'm disabled.

What embarrassed me was an 82 yo lady cornering me and telling me I didn't look disabled, her daughter thought so too, and not letting me be. I have DC and try to just get on with my life without the 'disabled' identity being all whom I am. It's a small part of my identity. I don't like being asked by strangers as if they -a stranger!- have a right to have details of my medical history. We just like to live our lives as I am. I have a DPB, it wasn't given out willy nilly. It says enough that I'm disabled and need to use Disabled parking bays.