AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

[Whereismumhiding2]

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

Sympathies OP....people are twats.
DH is disabled physically and has cancer...we pulled up outside a local shop into the disabled bay..I got out...was about to get DHs crutches out of the back..when an middleaged man in a car wound down window and said
'are you disabled?'
ME: No
Twat: is there someone disabled in the car?
Me: yes
Twat: are they getting out?
Me (getting annoyed) Maybe knowing it was winding him up
Twat: Have you got a badge?
Me: yes, fancy a look? (sarcastic but even tone), and maybe you fancy a look at his wheelchair..or maybe a look at the hospital letter for the appt for cancer we have just been to?
Awkward silence while I glared at him..
Twat: my mistake
Me: yes it is

I kept a even tone, very firm response and glared him out...he drove on and picked up an elderly man a few yards down the pavement..

prick!

"Yes I am disabled, here is my blue badge"
"I do not wish to discuss it with a stranger"
And repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

^ Also, just keep repeating louder and louder. Say it again and again. Talk over them if they keep on. Just repeat it again and again until they leave. No point trying to argue or explain, as they wont listen and it'll just upset you. You don't need to worry about being rude, as they already have that covered!

It's horrible and I totally sympathize, OP. I have hidden disabilities (chronic pancreatitis, pancreatic insufficiency, autoimmune disease which attacks all my organs, heart problems and I could go on!). I'm in constant pain but none of it is visible.

Recently I went on a flight which was a really big deal for me, first time in many years. I needed to take tablets when I got on so I asked for water and told her why. She brought some.

Twice later they brough round tea and eats. Because my pancreas doesn't work properly I have to take a LOT of prescribed enzymes with a full glass of water every time I eat or drink. The air hostess got really rude and funny with me. She said "what, more water? Surely you don't need more" even though I'd explained I can't eat without it. I felt so small and had to sit for ages with my coffee and food getting cold waiting for her to bring it. When she did she brought the tiniest, barely third full glass you've ever seen.

People just don't understand. Funnily enough there was a news article last week on training airline staff up on hidden disabilities. This really ends to be extended to everyone.

If you show me your qualifications to diagnose me in the street without even examining me, I will consider showing you evidence to prove my disability. But since even my doctor/consultant can't diagnose 'just like that' I would bet you can't. Now go away and leave me alone before I have to call for help.

Gosh, a number of other MNers posts including some of last posts have made me think I must have had it easy so far. Those are awful.

PPs have talked about horrid experiences.

shes an old cow doesnt matter age manners cost nothing

youre dc sound lovely and kind

i wuld have just said unless your the warden or police im not even going to listen to this

Sorry but I don't buy into this 'respect your elders' malarkey. A person EARNS respect, they don't get it automatically because they are 1 or 2 generations older than you. I have met some vile and obnoxious people over 60, and some lovely, polite people in their early 20's. I have also met some lovely, polite people over 60, and some obnoxious, vile people in their early 20's. But I have to say, I do find younger people are more polite, and some older people are more likely to be rude and entitled.

Not EVERY older person is rude and entitled, and many are lovely. Eg, I will I meet 300 people in a week - 150 over 60, and 150 under 40... If 10 of them are rude and obnoxious, 8 out of those 10 will be over 60. So like, 142 of them will be fine, but there will be more rude ones in that age group than in a younger age group.

If I was to buy into this 'respect your elders' belief that some have, then as I am knocking the door of 50, does that mean if I call a 19 y.o. young woman a cunt, and knock her out of the way, that she has to still respect me because I am 30 years older than her?

Bollocks.

If someone is rude and horrible to me, they will get the same short shrift from me, whether they are 21, 51, or 81.

OP, this woman had NO RIGHT to question you. My friend has a chronic illness, and is 45 (and looks 37/38,) and she regularly gets 'older' people glaring at her when she uses a disabled zone with her blue badge. One man (aged around 70) questioned her once as she was putting her shopping in the back of the car.

She ignored him, got in the car, put her seatbelt on, locked the car from the inside, and reversed out. She could hear him yelling 'Don't fucking ignore me you slag.' Charming eh? And we're meant to respect him because he is a pensioner? Yeah right!

In addition, the individual who racially abused that lady on the Ryanair flight was in his 70's. Just coz someone is of pensionable age, that doesn't automatically mean they are a sweet lovable poppet.

I am NOT age bashing by the way, just illustrating that not all people over 60 are adorable, sweet grannies and grandads, and IMO people do not automatically deserve respect just coz they're 1 or 2 generations older than you.

For me. It made me want to stay in last 3 days and hole up(is that a phrase?) , I'm off work at home with DC anyway for half term and had playdates over. But I went to the mattresses tbh... .

I felt proper shakey afterwards and was having such a bad day anyway. I think if if been able to say "I think you've embarrassed me enough now when you now know yes I am disabled, why wouldn't I be to use th disabled bay, and know that I have a DPB. I want to be left alone now please" I might have felt better about it.

I'm in too much pain anyway, but am making myself go out to Post office today . I appreciate other PPs telling me to ignore or forget it and that's quite right, I know I should.

It doesn't take much though to add another barrier in. And feeling like others are looking at me judging, when I'm clearly struggling already with walking, is not a great feeling.

I don't have the patience to be as eloquent as Deathy, so it usually goes:

"You don't look disabled"
"And you don't look like a doctor."

I have never, ever been accosted about my blue badge by anyone who appeared to look under the age of around 60.

I have been frequently and aggressively accosted, screamed at, had my badge ripped out of my hand and thrown on the floor, asked to see the photo on my badge, accused of stealing my badge, sworn at, reported to parking attendants, told that I'm not disabled or that I'm too young to have a disability and even physically pushed, all for daring to park in a disabled space with my blue badge.

I've developed a fear of parking in public places because it has happened so many times. I am nearly 40, but look very young and I can only assume that because of my appearance and the fact that I can walk to the boot to get into my wheelchair, I don't deserve to use disabled spaces.

I'm not saying that everyone who parks in a space but doesn't look disabled should be challenged - if you have a blue badge then as far as I'm concerned you're entitled to park there and everyone should respect it without saying a word. But I'm guessing that that the woman hadn't seen it and therefore was launching in regardless. She should have stopped and apologised once OP told her that she had a badge & so from then on she's in the wrong. But for people parking without a badge and without obvious reason then I think it's right that people do ask the question (politely) because unless you challenge people on behaviour that's wrong they'll keep doing it. And then more people will start too & before you know it there won't be a single person with a blue badge parked in spaces meant exclusively for them. I'm not saying they should grill the driver - it should be nothing more than a simple and very polite 'are you sure you're entitled to park in those spaces?' type of query. If the driver says yes then that's fine, apologise and move on.
It shouldn't be necessary and in an ideal world it wouldn't be, but we don't live in an ideal world and sometimes the wrong people get inconvenienced because of the tossers. Stop the tossers and then you can stop the inconvenience.

Oh, the point of my post is that I don't even respond any more. I look them directly in the eye and make loud "Oooh Oooh aaah ahhh" monkey noises with a hard stare. I find that they generally shuffle off looking rather mortified.

Thankyou @GabsAlot and @Shinycat, and thank all of you MNers. Xxxxx

I'm telling myself off that I need to grow a thicker skin.
Got lovely things planned for DC later in week including a Halloween party/sleepover for DD2& friends, and a day out with DD10's friends in week before then. Their disabled Mum can do that! I'll just sit and rest and park in a disabled bay at that activity centre for DD10 and hope no 82 year old sweet assassin is there to spoil our day!

Sorry DD2 is 14. Not 2! I think I should have called her DD1!

I'm not saying they should grill the driver - it should be nothing more than a simple and very polite 'are you sure you're entitled to park in those spaces?' type of query. If the driver says yes then that's fine, apologise and move on

Nope, don't go around making disabled people's lives worse by continually policing their use of bays when they have a blue badge! It's very upsetting to get into this type of confrontation, it's not for the public to police them or not observe the badge before asking, it's for them to know that the blue badge scheme is regulated/supported by medical evidence and to stop harassing legitimate users. If you can't see the blue badge, the onus is on you to look for it, not for the disabled person to suddenly have to give an account of their disability to a random stranger!

I'm not condoning screaming or abuse, but just asking nicely seems reasonable.

If no one ever challenges those who don't look disabled then the truly non-disabled CFs get a great big green light to park there, too, just coz they fancy the spot. Plenty of the CFs will seem like pleasant reasonable people, too. No win situation.

@ProfessorMoody OMG that is outrageous bullying!! In Scotland they call that a hate crime and have recently advertised about it. Not such a public campaign in England mind but it still is abuse and a hate crime.

How dare anyone throw your DPB on the floor and shout at you? I am beyond shocked at that.

I think in that situation of probably say 'disabled? Of course not I'm just shit at parking and like the extra space' then leave her collecting pieces of her brain explosion from around the car park! You don't owe people shit! Not the sort of person who would have the brass neck to approach you and ask you about your state of health! You have a blue badge in the car and that's there to tell whoever needs to know you have a right to be parked in that bay!

I'm not saying they should grill the driver - it should be nothing more than a simple and very polite 'are you sure you're entitled to park in those spaces?' type of query. If the driver says yes then that's fine, apologise and move on

If you'd be happy to cause me to have a massive PTSD panic attack, then a flare up of my illness which would possibly put me in hospital, go ahead.

However, unless you are a car park attendant who works in that car park, you have no right to approach anyone about their parking.

Someone questioned me once when I had parked without a badge in a blue badge space and I was greatful because it made me realise that I had forgotten to display it

A polite “I think you have forgotten your badge” is very different from questioning someone who is displaying it (and it’s not hard to have a quick check before saying anything!)

Just say I know, you should see the scars on my back Dron surgery, I am so grateful the council gave me a blue badge..
Agree with what ever she says and repeat the above.

I'm not condoning screaming or abuse, but just asking nicely seems reasonable

It isn't.

If no one ever challenges those who don't look disabled then the truly non-disabled CFs get a great big green light to park there, too, just coz they fancy the spot

If they have a blue badge, but don't look disabled, the likelihood is that they are disabled and people should leave them the fuck alone.

As someone older, my experience has been that younger people refuse to accept that I have any health issues as I can walk normally.
I have bladder issues (like many women) and can easily wet myself if I don't get access to a toilet when needed. It's been young staff members in public places that have refused me the use of the toilet.
One station has around 80 steps down (and back up again) to the main toilets but none for the disabled. With asthma and arthritis that was a great struggle.
There are thousands of people who do not need a blue badge but do have health issues and people just do not accept it.

YANBU, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I would never question anyone in a blue badge space that way! Even if you got out skipping & cartwheeling- I'd assume an invisible disability or that whoever you were with in the car was the badge holder. Either way, it's not my place to judge or ask!!

Channel 4 did a documentary roughly 2 years ago called "One Punch' - about people who've been killed by just one punch. One of them was a man who'd be punched by another man because he was parked in a disabled bay. His attacker confronted him and interrogated him and then hit him because he "didn't look disabled" and wouldn't engage in his interrogators conversation or this man didn't believe him. The victim had just popped back to the car quickly, the blue badge holder was his wife, who was still in the supermarket. The footage of the attacker being interviewed by the police is appalling. He really thinks he was in the right. I'm pleased he went to prison.