AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

[Whereismumhiding2]

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

A friend of mine is a 6ft blond - lovely figure size 10 these days and has a blue badge - she has put off using it for 5 years - even though perfectly entitled to because of this very issue and the nastiness that often accompanies these comments. Even where she can use it in normal spaces for free access parking. Same for my parents although now mum has a frame its better but people need to back off - if they don't think you are entitled they should be taking details from the badge and reporting to council - but at the end of the day its difficult to get them, the badges now have photos and the likelihood is that 95% of the time the person is entitled - none of them are medically qualified and the attitude stinks. I think this same attitude prevails in the assessors which is why there are so many issues with the assessments for benefits. It is plain ignorance.

My response would be rude - along the lines of You don't look stupid either but clearly you are.

Thank you MNers for sharing. I don't feel so alone now for finding it hard and mortifying.

I think @wellthisisshit puts it well the ups and downs I go through I used to get terribly upset about this type of thing until I realised I was no longer being challenged, and it occurred to be that I was no longer ‘passing as normal’. Bugger! I’m not sure which is worse!

I was doing what I normally do, not draw attention to myself. And also sticks get in the way in trolley. And having an old lady embarrass me and get so personal was simply humiliating.

Ex got this especially when he was a young 20 year old lad thing was he had osteosarcoma in his teens and had a metal
Implant in his leg he walked with a limp and was very much entitled to his disabled badge. People are arseholes.

As others have said, arseholes can be any age.

I also get flustered in the face of ignorant comments and questions.

I'd like to have a stash of these to hand out.

I'm laughing at some of your suggestions, I can't bring myself to be rude though!
I'm also sad that it apparently happens more than we realise. It's very to hear others regularly have this experience. It IS hard to get a DPB. They don't give them out easily. I tried for years to manage without and realised I was severely limiting my life, making it smaller and smaller and that DPB would help me. My DSis told me off in the end in her not so subtle way.

I guess the problem is that spaces are abused so frequently and so people are getting pissed off about it and questioning anyone who doesn't at first glance look as if they need them. Unfortunately this then impacts on those, like you, who are justified in using them but don't look so obviously as if they are. Maybe instead of feeling (rightly) pissed off with the old lady, appreciate that she is bothered about the spaces being potentially misused - hopefully the next person she moans at will be a tosser who shouldn't be there and who will change their ways accordingly.
You know you needed that space so don't doubt yourself.

"Yes I am disabled, here is my blue badge"

"I do not wish to discuss it with a stranger"

And repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

No, RangeRider....I think you are wrong, I don't think anyone should be setting themselves up as the disabled parking/toilet police.

Not that you should have to- but there are car stickers that say not all disabilities are visable

My DC are wonderful. DS16 won't let me carry anything. He races around and helps me move sometimes. He always lets me take his arm through years of an age that most teenage boys would be mortified to be seen walking with their Mum.

The DC run around supermarket getting items so I don't have to do all the aisles. I say we need this, go find bargains! They setimes come back with branded but tell me how they thought it was the best deal and would prefer that (I don't mind, I'm just impressed). And they unload onto conveyor, pack and put in the car, take the trolley back.

That's for good times that I can manage supermarket as I do like to get out rather than do online deliveries all the time!

If you saw us out, you'd simply think I had kind helpful DC or "little staff" !

I regularly get this too. I use a stick, crutches or wheelchair depending on how I am. I get the same rude comments very often. Dare I say it always from the older generations - I am 48

I had this a few years back. My best friend had terminal cancer, and we went out to do her XMas shopping. 6' tall, looked fine, but would be exhausted after just a couple of minutes. Someone had a go at us about using her BB and said they would get security on us as we were "obviously using it fraudulently". Being the kind of person I am, and knowing it wouldn't upset my friend at all, I said very loudly and clearly "she's dying of inoperable cancer - do you want to see the latest doctors report?". He STILL kept muttering about how she didn't look disabled, and it shouldn't be allowed (what, he didn't make clear).

@RangeRider that's a good point. And why I posted in AIBU about feeling upset. To hear both sides.

@Nessie that's a very simple.reply. I might practice that a few times. I did say my DPB is there (I couldn't walk back as was about 6m) away, but she didn't move from still talking at me. I felt trapped until DD returned with trolley for me to lean on.

I'd ignore ignorant comments like that you know that you are entitled to that space and your badge. Just rise above it :)

Ranger if someone has a blue badge on display then unless you are employed to monitor that car park you have no place to question.

@clairethewitch70 I'm sorry to hear that. Guess I'm a little like you but this is first time I've been stopped.

@Allergictoironing OMG that was perfect friend response in such an awful & rude situation. I'm really impressed how you stood up for your friend. I hope they were embarrassed.

*the rude person, not your friend!

Ps. I'm not upset with @Rangeriders comment. It's important to hear views from all sides. And it maybe that some members of public think it is ok to challenge of they think DBays are being misused. I wouldn't have, even before I became unexpectedly disabled. But it is useful to try to understand.

But I still dont get it. Why anyone would think a DPB is easy to get if you aren't disabled?

Some people are twats. I can't imagine ever accosting anyone in a BB space, even without a badge, even if it was apparently 'obvious' they were fine, I mean, I don't need them so I'm parking in one of the other million spots, this is one of those things I cannot believe how intense people get about it. tell her to get tae f.

RangeRider the people who harass those who park in bb spaces are doing it because they think someone shouldn't be in that space.They don't care if that person has a bb or not. They just don't think the person is what they consider to be properly disabled.

@zzzz apply for.the DPB. If your DS's consultant thinks you need it, then it will make your life easier..please don't carry on struggling like I did. It really helps. And it can mean free parking some places and so much more ease. Such that you go out more!

@hazeyjane love the badge!

Friend was very happy with my response, apparently she got this all the time even when out with her mother who had her own BB due to severe arthritis.

I know a CEO (traffic warden) quite well, and regularly get the stories about misuse of BB spaces. Common ones are "I didn't think it was needed on a weekend" because, you know, disabled people don't need to shop at weekends do they. Many an excuse of "I was only going to be half an hour", "I couldn't find anywhere else close to the shop", or "but I'm picking something up for a badge holder".

I have this continually...originally I would be polite... But then I realised they were so sure if their own opinion it was pointless and just made me angry...

My disability is hidden... And bad days I cannot leave the house...like today...

My first advice is just not to entertain anyone who wants you to feel bad... You don't owe these arses anything... Your time, a response or anything...

If you're hemmed in... Just say I'm going now... And don't engage..

Reposnes I've used over the years... Esp when I was 30-something fit-looking person.

Eg...
Sorry? What? Looking vague (wait til they repeat... oh.. Actually, I'm not interested in your opinion.

Mind your own business.

It is MY blue badge. No, I'm not certainly not proving it to you.

I don't look disabled? Well you don't look like a judgemental tosser but there you go...

Actually I'm terminally ill. Satisfied?? I'm not luckily... But I want these arses to feel the humiliation that they want to make others feel.

Honestly these people can just make your day worse... Especially when you're having a bad day.