AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

[Whereismumhiding2]

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

"The problem is that these spaces simply aren't enforced enough. "

It costs a fair bit of money to employ the staff to hand out the tickets though, and I gather it's incredibly hard to keep staff due to not only the physical aspect of the job, but there's limits to how much verbal or even physical abuse the staff will stand up to before quitting. The vast majority are employed by the local councils so they are on a flat (not incredibly large) salary, and end up sick & tired of being spat at, having liquids thrown over them, being called names like "slag", "fat whore" and "cunt" (if female).

And in these days of cost cutting the councils can only afford to have so many on their books at any one time. In my local town there may only be 4-5 public car parks but there's loads of metered on street parking plus of course vast amounts of roads where parking isn't allowed.

My younger brother has a DPB after cancer treatment left him with mobility issues. Somedays he's fine, somedays he needs a crutch or two, some days he's housebound. He only uses his DPB on his more painful days. He's in his late 20s, and until you see him moving on a bad day, he doesn't look disabled.

We were in our local supermarket the other week, and he parked in the disabled bay because he was having a particularly painful day and I was going in to get the wheelchair for him. I came back out to find a man shouting at him that these were disabled bays, not for lazy youngsters who couldn't be buggered walking across the car park.

I was going to say something, but my brother (whose temper isn't the best when he's in pain) got there first opening the window, grabbing his DPB and slapping it against the side of the car shouting "It's a good job I've got one of these then isn't it. I'm so sorry my having cancer and being in pain all the fucking time is so offensive to you. I'll try to hurry up and die shall I???"

To which the man had the cheek to tell my brother "well there's no need to be like that"

The supermarket were fantastic though, really went above and beyond. My poor brother was so stressed out by it all that when we got into the shop he burst into tears, at which point a member of staff came over to make sure he was ok and took us to the cafe and got him a cuppa to give him 10 minutes to calm down.

Really boils my blood when people just assume like that. Disabilities don't discriminate, they're certainly not the preserve of the elderly.

I have a hidden disability and when I once sat in the disabled area on a bus there were two old ladies on the bus who were awful, talking about me nation, knowing I could hear them, saying who the hell did I think I was sitting in a space for disabled people etc. They were really unpleasant about me and it was worse because other passengers could hear what they were saying too. In hindsight I wish I had shown them my disabled bus pass and told them to fuck off but I hadn’t felt confident enough to do it. They made me quite tearful actually.

In another occasions a person asked me why I was wearing a medic alert necklace and when I told her what condition I had she saI’d, “No way? Really? You wouldn’t think it to look at you!”

Charming. I’m not too sure what I was ‘supposed’ to look like in her opinion?!

Another one with a child and blue badge, lots of looks, had a few people report me to various establisments.

If there is a blue badge I think you just have to suck it up, only person who has ever asked me was my own mother in law! Who has real issues accepting her grand child is disabled...

Queenofmyprinces I'm sorry you had to go through that. I broke a bone in my foot in 2015, and had to use the bus (bills still needed paying, and I sat down at work so was able to go back) and one day I had a woman kick off at me for sitting in the disabled/elderly area. I thought the pair of crutches and the big bandaged foot might have been a visual give away, but apparently not.

Just wish I had been brave enough to say something back.

Answer with "yes, are you?“ if it ever happens again... though of course I hope it won't

Ignorant questioner - you don’t look disabled.

You - you don’t look stupid. Proves looks can be deceptive.

aged - it’s because I have epilepsy and apparently people who have epilepsy are supposed to have a particular look I guess??

After telling me she wouldn’t have thought I had epilepsy to look at me she then said “you’re are too pretty and normal to have that.”

I could not believe the ignorance.

A good friend of mine has had 'you don't look disabled' shouted a few times. Her reply is always along the lines of ' Thank you, for the compliment, cheers me up when my spinal stenosis is causing me agony'

Husband gets this all the time. Myriad of illnesses so he uses a mobility scooter, also has a blue badge for the car. It really infuriates me the way he gets treated. I've gotten a sticker now for the car saying not all disabilities are visible. Ive ordered one for the scooter thats slightly ruder