AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

[Whereismumhiding2]

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

And also don't some people realise that autoimmune disorders effect peoples energy levels, they don't necessarily affect mobility (hence they are "invisible"). So someone may look "sprightly" but if they do too much and have to walk too much they will pay for it with chronic pain or just general unwellness.

My friend has a hidden disability. She is dressed to the nines, walks upright and elegantly. Only if you know her well you can see if she is having a bad day. People are rude to her all the time when she parks her car at a disabled space and don't want to understand that she takes daily high doses of morfine to be able to walk a few hundred metres. Some people are really shit about it.

People can be ridiculously narrow minded past a certain age (not all but some I will clarify). We have had "don't be silly she's not disabled" or "well it's not a proper disability" about my dd who has asd and blackouts plus metal health issues. I just ignore them - that said the council offered her a disabled car badge and we turned it down as whilst she is entitled to it on account of getting a disabled bus pass (blackouts mean no driving) there's nothing wrong with mobility.

It I would add that blue badge theft is a major problem here, I know several people who have had their windscreens smashed and them stolen, they are sold on the black market apparently. The other issue is people using a legitimately acquired badge when the disabled person isn't with them - I know people who admit to this so they can park on the yellow line.

I always use these sorts of moments to educate - older people seem to not understand hidden disabilities as much in my experience

Could your pre-prepared response be something along the lines of:
“I will need to see your carparking/Sainsburys/ASDA/Morrisons/Health Centre IDENTITY CARD / BADGE and then I can answer your (legitimate?) questions......” (said with a naice forced smile)

Would that work?....sort of throw a question back at them and take the wind totally out of their sails?

Worked well for me in a different scenario 😉

People seem very entitled and arrogant these days - the constant discourse by the Daily Fail and its ilk that disabled people are nothing but scroungers that cheat their way to disability benefits and "free" cars has led to an increased wave of hostility by people who think they have the right to judge and interrogate disabled people going about their daily business.

It is unacceptable! Disabled people are not required to prove that they are disabled enough to be "allowed" to park and give medical details to nosy people. They have already proved it during their assessment. It is humiliating for the victim and arrogant beyond belief of people who appoint themselves amateur detectives that they think they have any right to do this.

@YeOldeTrout if you saw me get out of my car and walk to the shop you'd see no disability. You're the very person this post is about. I don't want to explain that I have several organs of my body missing, including my stomach, nor the fact I haven't eaten in two years and never will again, that I have chronic malnutrition and that 20m walk will exhaust me and be done in pain. A syndrome that means if I drive I will not have consumed any calories that day because any sugars make me dizzy and faint but all you'd see is a well dressed slim blonde walking to the shop with no visible problem!

If anyone remembers or wants to look up the man killed over the parking space, he was called Brian Holmes and his attacker was Alan Watts. A Google search will bring up the story and the c4 doc is called "one killer punch".

Mr Holmes & his wife (the badge holder) were entitled to use the space, he had nipped to the car and intended to rejoin her in the supermarket when Mr Watts (not entitled to the space) drove past him and sarcastically remarked that Holmes obviously needed the space as a non wheel chair user. Mr Holmes approached the Watts car. I am unsure as to what went on next as the news links skimmed it and I haven't watched the doc in a while, but think Brian Holmes reiterated that he & his wife were entitled, not every disability involves a wheelchair and that Watts should stop harassing him. Watts then proceeded to punch him with a 1-2 and drove off, leaving his victim with non-survivable head injuries.

Watts claimed self defence and Holmes as the aggressor, and that he drove off for his own protection. Witnesses begged to differ. Watts went down for 5 years in Dec 2013.

I’ve been challenged only twice in the twenty years I’ve had a blue badge as a young and less young woman. Both times by elderly men. Neither of whom would let it go when I said I had a blue badge. They were pricks.

I have occasionally said/left a note “you’ve forgotten your blue badge”. If someone said that to me, I’d be grateful/not offended.

Interesting to know about the hidden data in the badge. I’m going to check mine.

I thought it was common knowledge about the blue badge serial number. I was told about it by the man who issued my first one, over ten years ago.

Hope you don't mind OP, just wanted to say for people who need to find a toilet quickly you can buy a radar key from Amazon. I bought one for my DC2 who has hidden disabilities and has to drink a lot of water which has obvious consequences!

There's nothing derogatory about my saying that I've never been accosted by anyone who looked under the age of 60. That's fact.

@Onlyhappywhenitrains1 Spot on, after my experiences I would agree entirely with your post.

Point out that you do indeed have a disability and a badge, and thank her for challenging people as there is indeed too much misuse of these bays.

NewName54321 - Point out that you do indeed have a disability and a badge, and thank her for challenging people as there is indeed too much misuse of these bays.

This is a really patronising reply which makes many disabled peoples' lives a misery - a charter for busybodies. It is very arrogant for people to self-appoint themselves parking monitors and cross examine people without authority.

How would you like to be stopped going about your day by someone asking you to prove to them that you are not a tax-evader - after all there is a lot of it about.

"Thank you for being a dick and challenging me because your small mind can't accept there are hidden disabilities. Please do it to other people. Keep up the good work!"

That might actually work...

They shouldn't be called disabled spaces, they should be known as blue badge.

Oh op I've had that with dh.
He has once or twice lifted his top up to show them his scar while yelling at them "yes I had spinal surgery for fun"
No advise other than to say I know how annoying it is.

A neighbour of mine who is 80 was recently challenged after parking in a disabled bay at a local supermarket by someone who was parked in the parent and child space next to it and who was loading shopping into the boot of the car, my neighbour politely told the person that his disabilities were well known by his Consultant and by the person who approves the Blue Badge applications and that his diagnosis was confidential information and that it was none of anyone elses business, the other person went to get in the car and my neighbour asked (again politely) whether they had forgotten something because they seemed to be missing a child, the person slammed the car door switched on the engine and went to reverse out of the parking space while my neighbour stood waving at them trying to get them to stop because the trolley they had used was still behind the car.

He is right, A disability is your private and confidential information, nobody else has a right to that information except where there is a need to know.

Rebelwitchface - appreciate your input when next challenged I hope I find the courage to speak out!

Why shouldn't they be called disabled spaces?

This week we parked in our local car park, there are 10 BB spaces. I need a BB space in this car park as I just can't get out otherwise due to lack of door opening space. One space was (thankfully) free, the rest were all taken and only one had a BB on display. I would make it a criminal offence to park in a BB space without a badge, plus points on licence which hopefully be a deterrent. It should be policed properly. It infuriates me.

If I do see someone parking up without a BB, I will say in a friendly way with a smile "you've forgotten to put your badge up, they're really strict here so I wouldn't want you to get fined" and in a couple of occasions people have thanked me and put them up. If people say "oh I haven't got one but I'll only be a minute/there's loads of spaces free/I'm only nipping in for milk" I will say that they make life harder for disabled people and are being very selfish. They mostly ignore me or tell me to fuck off.

The problem is that these spaces simply aren't enforced enough. It shouldn't be up to members of the public to see if there is a BB on display but sadly we have no choice sometimes, as we have no other options especially if all the accessible spaces are taken. If someone is displaying a BB though, they really shouldn't be challenged by the public, that is incredibly rude and arrogant.

However @tor8181 there is absolutely no excuse for you throwing such personal insults and being so fucking rude. You lost any moral high ground that you had (and I agree she shouldn't park there) but being so very vile to someone with a two week old baby is awful. I especially hate "you need to keep them closed". Revolting.

"she said 2 weeks,10m,and 19m
bloody hell i said you need to keep them closed then 3 babies every 9 months and you have the bloody check to try and judge me,anyway they wont let you in with 3 babies alone so your wasting your time
,hang on how did you have the baby natural or Caesarean ?doesnt matter either way you shouldnt be here, either your recovering from a operation or your still bleeding down there

in future mind your fucking business and stop being so judgey and i walked away fuming

she got back in the car crying and went off,i didn't give a shit i was so angry"