AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

[Whereismumhiding2]

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

@WhirlyGigWhirlyGig I'll feel terrible if my thread has made you stop getting a DPB for fear of the odd individual. I've used mine (& renewed) for 5 years without problem. Having a DPB broadens possibilities to get out!

I think part of the problem is that we're so used to seeing the symbol of a stick person in a wheelchair to represent disability that a lot of people can only associate being wheelchair bound with being disabled. Now that we're getting more clued up about invisible disabilities, maybe it's time to change the symbol, or have an alternative one that sits alongside the traditional wheelchair symbol to represent invisible conditions?

Whereis no you definitely haven't. It's my brain that needs to rethink, it's probably the minority of idiots who behave like this but my head blows it all out of proportion.

@WhirlyGigWhirlyGig it's easy done. My lovely Dsis told me off in her kindly meant bossy Big Sis way. Once I got past the initial but, DPB has really helped me & my DC

I once had already parked and was shouted at by someone who stopped behind me to tell me that I was ignorant for daring to park in a disabled space when clearly they needed it as they had a wheelchair (this wasn't all that was said either - they were so mean). I had already been questioned over the years so my response was ready. I said well I may look like I can walk to the shop but I probably won't be able to walk back you crack on a wheel yourself. I know I probably sounded rude but having been brought to tears so many times over my hidden disability I decided not to give two hoots anymore.

I’m going to get those wonderful stickers, while waiting for them to decide if my youngest is entitled to a badge, then at least it might make people think twice when the see me using the parent and child spot.

I kept my mouth shut today... watching a very sprightly woman at Lidl doing her shop, with car parked in the disabled space. But heyho, there was another disabled parking space 3m away so no harm done, and nothing to do with me. She had a blue badge. So that must prove she truly needed to be there.

*In alternative universe I challenged her & she shamelessly said it was her husband's badge, since "they needed it". Very possible where I live.

MN is terrible influence; I used to pay no attention whatsoever to who parked where. Now I notice. & harbour suspicions.

But folks, I don't think you should be questioning if people with DPBs ought be using Disabled bay. It really is so demeaning to be asked when you have one and have a legitimate reason to use it and have barely made it out if house.

Why would you not just tell her to eff off?

Being old is no bar to being an arsehole. As you sadly found out OP.

ProfessorMoody beat me to it, I'd start making dog noises and woofing at her until she backed away.

Whereismumhiding - Today I parked in a disabled bay, just got out the car, the chap in the next bay called over and said "You don't look disabled to me" I said "that's perhaps because I am not, but my husband who is a passenger is, and my blue badge is displayed on windscreen, so if its ok with you I will now unload the rollator from the boot so he can walk to the shop". I further suggested that he minded his own business in future, all very polite, walked away with head held high.

And I would also add that I am heartily SICK TO DEATH of some able-bodied people's attitudes to disabled people. I have chronic rheumatoid and osteo arthritis,and use a walking stick. At the weekend, I was making my way slowly down a flight of 12 stairs into a tube station in London. I need to hold the handrail,I cannot get down the stairs otherwise. Halfway down,some arse who was the person-but-one behind me shouted out in a very aggressive voice 'Can you get a move on,some of us are in a hurry!'. I shouted back 'Well go round me then!'. My friend who was with me and waiting at the bottom of the stairs,witnessed this exchange,and went up to the bloke who'd shouted this,and said to him 'Don't you understand that some people may be slow because they are DISABLED?!'. He said something rude back to her and hurried off. I despair sometimes,

She's an arsehole.

If this happens again, curtly tell the person that you're not in the mood for a game of disability top trumps.

I do think - referring to ALongHardWinters post above- that public attitude towards disability has been getting progressively worse especially under this government. The general spin on things is that those claiming pip / dla are some sort of army of frauds who must be made to prove themselves at every opportunity and it’s become almost a public duty to harass and question anyone who dares to have any sort of disability in public. It really is sickening.

I remember reading somewhere that the measure of how civilised a society is is based on how they treat their disabled and less fortunate. I certainly think we’ve taken a step backwards somewhere.

Rather than demand to see the photo side of a stranger's badge , why not just learn to read the age and sex on the badge? I don't know about anywhere else but in the UK the last section of the badge ID starts with the date of birth (month and year) and sex (X for male, Y for female - obviously whoever thought of that wasn't a biologist!). If you see a 20-year-old man carrying a greasy bag of McDonald's back to an empty car displaying a badge belonging to an 85-year-old woman you may be within your rights to wonder what's going on. Mind you, he could have parked there to escort his granny to hospital and just grabbed a quick meal on the way back, and who could blame him?

I did also overhear a badge holder, sitting in a car, explain to the attendant that she was waiting for her able-bodied carer, because although he was doing the walking around he needed to be within quick pager response distance in case she had a fit. Life-threatening fits were a major part of her particular disability. I was inclined to believe her, not that it was any of my business of course.

So on the whole I'm in the "leave it to the professionals to challenge" camp.

@lovesugarfreejelly63
Oooh shocking. That's bad form.

@ALongHardWinter yeah, that's rubbish isn't it ? I'm slow on stairs too. If I HAVE to do then rather than take lift. It's like I have treacle in my legs as they don't lift. People push me accidentally sometimes and I'm all "I'm going as fast as I can!!" (Which isn't v fast at all)

@Anniegetyourgun ok, I've now checked my DPB and it doesn't have my DOB in it clearly. I'd have been a bit if it did!! But you're right it is in there subtly.... Bastards! .. I'm now a bit that my month and year of DOB is hidden in the DPB number!

I'm.really shocked by that.
@Anniegetyourgun
You have just told us a secret of data protection potential breach - GDPR stuff - no agency ought be sharing as there is NO NEED!

This is my pet peeve.
We were at an event last week. I had contacted them before the event to explain the situation as my DS has invisible disabilities and they were amazing.
Got to the event and were taken to the front of the queue so we could go first.
Woman kicks off at the person putting us there, person explains Ds is there as he needs to be. Woman says yes well I have a headache and I still queued...

Whomever "you don't look disabled"
You "well you don't look stupid... so I guess we were both wrong".

I've had this if i have widekeg trousers on I just look like I'm walking funny. I normally just lift my trouser leg showing my Prostehic leg off normally leaving them speechless. They can fuck right off or better still give me there leg I'll gladly give them my metal one. Don't let it bother you you need the space use it xx

A teenage girl I know has taken to wearing shorts all year round so people can see her artificial leg to avoid this type of abuse.

watching a very sprightly woman at Lidl doing her shop

Oh I take it you followed her round the whole shop did you?! You have no idea what her disability, MANY are invisible. You're just a perfect example of the people everyone on this thread is complaining about.

best bet is either ignore or say whats it to do with you?

i have 2 children(8,14 )that have asd and many others each but nothing physical looking(in fact they are big sterdy boys at 6ft and 5ft) we also home educate so are out and about in"school"time

we get high rate dla for both boys and carers allowance for the 2 adults(ie me and their dad)

both boys have a blue badge and we go out most days

i have had looks and tuts when we all get out of the car but i dont give a shit and give glares back and carry on our business

months ago i had a run in with a judgmental cow in a leisure center car park who turned out wanted the space to park there with 3 babies(we were going swimming)

she was right behind us as we were going in to the car park and hang back as we were pulling in

as the back doors are locked(child locked)the back seat passengers(ie me and the youngest)need to wait for front to let us out and as oh was putting up the badge we were in the car for a good 5 mins
i got let out by oldest and could see her giving us dirty looks and tutting to her self from a handful of spaces down in a normal space(its a old style carpark that dont do parent spaces),me being me(ie gobby and takes no shit from anyone)said problem love?

she replied loud and with a certain tone yes i need that space for the babies
i said(normally) well how about the 3 that's right over there(disabled spaces)

he reply no i need that one ive 3 babies under 2

so i said well what that got to do with us then?

she said(still with a tone) well you took the only disabled space with a dropped kerb the others i will have to lift up a double pram with a baby strapped to me and you have normal healthy looking kids and neither of you adults look disabled,your parking there illegally you will have to move for me
my hackles went up instantly(dont take much as i have a very very short fuse)
i replied(loudly) right are we fuck,do you have a badge then?
she replied no
i replied so you come here often?
she said not been in a good while but used to come weekly with the oldest and when i used to come i always parked there

i replied well then your lucky you haven't been fined or booked its clearly a disabled space
you a bloody cheeky cow, i have bloody 2 badges,want to see them?
she blustered and spluttered for a few seconds so i said your a right entitled one aint you telling us we are parked illegally when you have done it yourself in the past

she said (cocky tone)well why aint they in school?
(me loudly)what the fuck it has to do with you is anyone's guess but if you really need to know they are home educated and very mentally disabled now fuck off about your business and dont judge in future especially when you haven't even got a bloody badge and planned to park illegally, by the way how old are the babies then?(i could see 2 in the back and a small newborn in her arms which i would guess at 6 pound at best)
she said 2 weeks,10m,and 19m
bloody hell i said you need to keep them closed then 3 babies every 9 months and you have the bloody check to try and judge me,anyway they wont let you in with 3 babies alone so your wasting your time
,hang on how did you have the baby natural or Caesarean ?doesnt matter either way you shouldnt be here, either your recovering from a operation or your still bleeding down there

in future mind your fucking business and stop being so judgey and i walked away fuming

she got back in the car crying and went off,i didn't give a shit i was so angry

all this happened from our car spaces so it was a fair few parking spaces in between us in a practically empty car park

while all this was going on my lot were in reception and the lady said everything alright love?come in this room i saw and heard it all

i said i will admit i got mouthy and kicked off but she got my gander right up over something that nothing to do with here

she said we will look out for her in the future you are right about the baby ratio and i will admit that to many babies remark made me laugh

a day later i got 4 stickers off ebay for 1.98p(99p each) that says blue badge holder and other said not all disabilities are visible and we have them in the front and back window

for people like the person you nd i come across no matter what age(mine lookes middle 20s) deserves the kind of response i gave but like i said im very gobby and not every one is