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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AiBU to be fed up about this person saying I don't look disabled?

210 replies

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/10/2018 09:28

The AIBU is I didn't know how to deal with this, and I should do, but I felt mortified, like a rabbit in headlights. And it makes me wonder how many other people would think it's ok to actually do what this lady did?

I'm disabled, chronic spinal condition, which can be one of those hidden disabilities that doesn't show unless you functionally watch me move. Had major spinal surgery last year so I'm more upright than normal but have DPB as I can't walk far without equipment, but can do 10 metres grimacing.

I'm also young, in my 40s, with DC so I have to just manage how I can. Disabled bays are lifesavers for meto.limit how far I have to walk and give me enough space to get out with my car lever device.

I had a bad pain day and was lucky enough to find a Disabled Bay near shop entrance. Put my DPB up. Got out slowly with help from my 10yo DD and sent her off to get trolley as it acts as a walking frame to lean on instead of getting out my sticks.

An 82 yr old lady with rollator shopping trolley walked up to me saying "Are you disabled?" I was confused and said "Yes, I don't understand why you're asking me?" She then keep going "But you don't look disabled.." (I was holding onto a metal half height bollard waiting for DD to return) "Have you got a disabled sticker?" I replied "Yes it's in my car there" . She kept going on and wouldn't leave me alone. "But you don't look disabled, I'm 82, my daughter just dropped me off and she doesn't think you look disabled either"
I asked her, "have you not been able to park? There's other Disabled bays up there but I'm waiting for my DD to come back with trolley so we can shop.. I don't understand why you are asking me this .."

She started telling me details of her disability and all the time I was just feeling hot & mortified and wanting to ask her to leave me alone. It felt like other people were looking. . She was asking how I was disabled, repeating that I didn't look disabled despite my DPB!

Luckily my DD came back with trolley and said, "there you go mum lean on this, I'll get the bags" and DD said 'hello' to lady 'let's go mum' , I said "well Bye then" and slowly moved off.

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out to challenge when she could have just looked at front of my car. Or realised that in an industrial estate/shopping centre car park so heavily wardened, it wasn't her job to police why I'm disabled and using one of the Disabled Bays.

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 23/10/2018 11:54

Oh dear OP, I am in a similar situation, no one would tell that I was disabled, I am waiting for the day I am questioned too when using my blue badge.

Try not to let it upset you, peoples Ignorance is best ignored.

zzzzz · 23/10/2018 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Whereismumhiding2 · 23/10/2018 11:57

@ProfessorMoody makes a good point. I've returned to car at times when I've been unable to go any further too. That's not a misuse.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 23/10/2018 11:59

It’s happened to me just once.

Woman asked if I should be parking here ( disabled bay, my badge on display)

I ask why not and she replied ‘it’s for disabled people.’ I point out my BB. Like you, I wasn’t walking and have a very similar spinal issue.

She huffed and said I didn’t look disabled. I replied ‘Thank you. (Long pause) But actually I don’t think you meant it as a compliment and think you should apologise.’ After a lot more huffing she did apologise.

I’m always aware of being judged- truth is I dont look disabled- whatever that looks like but as soon as I move I certainly do.

So do challenge this rudeness. Luckily it’s not been my experience that many people actually ask.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/10/2018 12:07

I’m sorry you were made to feel this way when you were legitimately parked.

Unfortunately there are people who take the piss, so she wasn’t necessarily unreasonable to ask you (assuming here weren’t plenty of car park attendants already there doing the job) but she was very wrong not to take your word for it.

You shouldn’t have to do this BUT a photocopy of your Blue Badge kept in your handbag might be a practical way of silencing anyone challenging you if it’s a problem you have to deal with often.

zzzzz · 23/10/2018 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatWouldBeNO · 23/10/2018 12:18

@Myimaginarycathasfleas
Where I am, it is illegal to copy your permit and can result in it being withdrawn and you being classified as ineligible. Not a good idea to suggest.

KC225 · 23/10/2018 12:20

An ex neighbour had a similar problem. She used to say, 'There is the registration number, report me wherever you want'

ProfessorMoody · 23/10/2018 12:20

Unfortunately there are people who take the piss

Yet it's not anyone's job other than a parking attendant to confront them.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 12:28

I'm not saying they should grill the driver - it should be nothing more than a simple and very polite 'are you sure you're entitled to park in those spaces?' type of query. If the driver says yes then that's fine, apologise and move on

You are the person everyone on this thread is complaining about Hmm just mind your own business instead of making disabled peoples lives even harder.

ProfessorMoody · 23/10/2018 12:31

Just ordered the bottom one, thank you 😁

butterfly56 · 23/10/2018 12:32

Sorry posted too soon...

You can put them all all windows back, front, side and they are static so easily moved for cleaning. Smile

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/10/2018 12:33

Old people can be dicks too. I find if they are, they demand respect for being old They were brought up in a period where you were expected to respect the old. It must be a bit rubbish spending most of your life respecting your elders, only to find that when you get there yourself elderly people are no longer respected, rather the opposite.

butterfly56 · 23/10/2018 12:33

@ProfessorMoody brilliant!!!! lol Grin

wonkylegs · 23/10/2018 12:37

I do think as mentioned upthread that older people can make an assumption that just because they are old that they are automatically worse off.
This is clearly ridiculous as it depends on the individual. My 71yo FIL still runs competitively whereas my 72yo mum has Alzheimer's and is very frail. My 95yo GMIL has a touch of osteoarthritis in one knee but has been telling me for the past 15years how it her arthritis is always worse for her than my RA (which affects my whole body) because I'm young and can cope Hmm
Often people don't want to understand but are quite happy to judge. Hence the shouting at people in car parks or on buses or in waiting rooms. They want to judge but can't be bothered to stop, think or understand.

wonkylegs · 23/10/2018 12:39

Unfortunately I think these kind of people won't ever change

Deliphant · 23/10/2018 12:40

In 2019 the govt are widening the criteria for Blue badges to included hidden disabilities such as mental health conditions, daresay the old lady won't like that.

PositivelyPERF · 23/10/2018 12:40

I replied ‘Thank you. (Long pause) But actually I don’t think you meant it as a compliment and think you should apologise.’ After a lot more huffing she did apologise. oh I absolutely love that. It really puts the pressure on them, to either continue to be a prat or apologise. I’m hoping my youngest will get a badge, not holding my breath, and currently park in the parent and child spaces. That’s a whole other issue, as you can imagine.

Sirzy · 23/10/2018 12:44

It must be a bit rubbish spending most of your life respecting your elders, only to find that when you get there yourself elderly people are no longer respected, rather the opposite

It’s not that they aren’t respected. It’s like anyone else they can’t automatixally assume they can act like an arse and still be respected!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/10/2018 12:45

I didn't want to be rude to an old lady who was talking in the sweetest of voices but i felt so embarrassed that she'd singled me out

You're obviously a much kinder person than I would be in your position - and plenty of people deliberately use a 'sweet' voice to be patronising and passive aggressive rather than kindly - but you could always fight fire with fire.

In YOUR sweetest voice, say gently "Oh, I KNOW - it's FRIGHTENING, isn't it, just how much sheer IGNORANCE there still is of hidden disabilities, even in 2018, . There's clearly still a very long way to go in educating the general public in understanding what you'd assume would be basic general knowledge, isn't there?!"

Fuckertyfickfack · 23/10/2018 12:47

I find someone declaring "You don't look disabled" and asking them for the details of their disabilities is akin to me walking up to strangers in a car park and asking them how their bowel movements are today. It's rude and a personal question.
Let the parking wardens do their job.
You wouldn't ask someone missing a leg exactly how it happened would you?

ShreddedBanksy · 23/10/2018 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 23/10/2018 12:54

@Whereismumhiding2 I'm pretty sure it's still up on More4. The whole show is sad but that story really upset me.

I agree that using the badge without someone getting out the car or being present is abuse of badge, but I'm not a parking official so I wouldn't interfere. As disabilities are invisible, how would you know anyway?

Age/perception of frailty because someone is older is very interesting and I have experienced this- mildly but in line with some of the incidents listed here. I have leg joint problems and fall a lot. My ankle gave way and I fell heavily whilst walking to a station. Staion is unmanned and is just two platforms up a lot of stairs and no lifts. When I made it up stairs, an older gentleman - 70s, I'd say- saw me limping, saw the huge fresh cut I'd acquired, dirt from the fall and my now swelling ankle and gave me his seat, assuring me that he was happy to stand on a nice fresh summer day. He was with two older ladies and insisted they keep their seats, he wanted to stand.

About 5 mins later a lady in her 40s maybe 50s came up the steps and started tutting that the "poor man" wasn't sat down in the "heat". She wouldn't stop despite him telling her to. It was obviously aimed at me, despite me being sat trying to stem bleeding from my leg and with an ankle support on, and wincing when I moved my ankle. He had to point out to her that he could stand more easily than me at this time, just because he was old(er) he wasn't frail!!

sashh · 23/10/2018 12:59

I hear you OP I got my orange badge when I was in my 20s.

I use the, "well you don't look like a ...", depending on who and my mood it might be git, cunt, pompous git, idiot.

I once worked with someone who had the same said to him, he took his leg off and threw it at them.