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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by TTC plans and life in general?

207 replies

Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:05

Name changed for this but penis beaker and cancel the cheque etc.

I don't really know how to start.

It's dawning on me that I can't afford to have a baby, sparked by a day of looking at over-priced shoeboxes. I live in London and have a shitty salary and my DP has only just graduated (mature student) so he hasn't been earning the last few years, it's all been on me and I haven't been able to save.

So I have a tiny amount of money saved from before, but not enough to even buy a one bed flat in our area. DP's job will be here so moving isn't an option for another 3 years at least as the nature of the job means he has to be within 30 minutes of work.

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible. We can't afford to buy a home, I don't know how we'd cope with nursery fees or one salary if I stayed at home, and I'm just so so devastated and angry that I never got myself a proper career and that I hadn't thought about the practical aspects of having a baby until this point and I just don't know what to do. I'm hiding in bed crying my eyes out because I can't see what I could do. We're stuck renting this stupid flat which gets mouldy every winter.

OP posts:
hubbibubbub · 22/09/2018 22:11

Err just have a baby in the rented flat? Then go back to work and out baby in nursery. Husband will need to try and get a better paid job ASAP.

Sorted. Sorry don't see the issue here.

You can't expect to indulge in additional expensive study for years in your 20/30s with no consequences.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:15

You can't expect to indulge in additional expensive study for years in your 20/30s with no consequences.

Err it wasn't really an indulgence, it was getting a career. It's in the NHS so he'll start off on a low band for a couple of years. Before this he was in low paid work in shops etc.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 22/09/2018 22:17

I can see that you want to buy a house/flat, but you don't actually need to be owner occupiers to have a family.

Also, think about which is worse for you - going straight back to work after maternity leave so you can afford childcare, or never taking maternity leave because you have no DC. There's no objective right or wrong answers. But when you can't have it all, you need to sort out what you want most.

And of course, looking at it from the other way round, if you actually don't want DC that much, and prefer life as it is now with your dream being property, that's fine too.

Ellisandra · 22/09/2018 22:18

Have you not been on a fairly low joint income whilst he’s been a student? If so, good! You’ll be used to it!
What’s the possibility for both of you to do shiftwork, so that you can potentially reduce childcare costs?
If he’s NHS and you don’t have a specific career, what’s stopping you moving to a much cheaper area once he’s got some experience?

BarbarianMum · 22/09/2018 22:19

Forgive me for asking but if it's an NHS job, why does it have to be in London? Is that a training placement?

Also, although you dont want to wait 3 years, is this actually a possibility given your age?

Womaningreen · 22/09/2018 22:20

How old are you?

Could the nhs transfer him to a cheaper area later?

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:20

I can see that you want to buy a house/flat, but you don't actually need to be owner occupiers to have a family.

I know that, but then will I ever be able to buy anything post-DC? I want to give them a nice house with a garden and their own room and some sense of security. I don't think I can give them that while renting and certainly not on my salary.

OP posts:
Pixiedust2017 · 22/09/2018 22:21

Plenty of families raise children in small houses. Your baby won't "need" their own room until they are 1 so assuming you conceived immediately you still have 2 years or so until then. Our LO is 9 months and still in our room even though we have a spare.
Our cousin just had a baby they live in a 42 m2 apartment. Its tiny! You just make do with what you have. If you know the situation will change in a few years and its something you really want to do NOW then I don't see the harm...
Other will definitely disagree, at my baby shower lots of family members commented on how could we possibly raise our child in a 2 bed unit with no garden and how there was no space... Definitely made me angry. Lots of people have to make the best out of the situation they are in.

missymayhemsmum · 22/09/2018 22:22

Ok, so you have a plan that involves you increasing your income via your work, his work, in the nhs, (that's national health service, ie jobs all over the uk) and buying somewehere and getting jobs out of london. You plan to conceive in year three of the plan, but if it happends earlier you cope? You currently earn a shitty salary, so what are you doing to change that?

Babyroobs · 22/09/2018 22:25

Have you factored in help you might get from tax credits or Universal credit towards childcare fees?

KindergartenKop · 22/09/2018 22:26

I think you need to adjust your expectations. We live in London and many of our friends live in 2 bed flats with 2DCS sharing a room. It's ok and the kids aren't scarred by it. Obviously it's important to be able to eat ok and pay for school uniform, trips etc, but what matters most is that they are loved, fed and clothed (it doesn't have to be boden, charity shops have some good stuff!!).

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:27

Forgive me for asking but if it's an NHS job, why does it have to be in London? Is that a training placement?

He was offered a job at the hospital he did his placement and training at.

As for moving - yes, we can do that later after a few years. He's not in a position to be moving or transferring with no experience. He knows people on his course are struggling to get jobs, many positions get 60+ applications.

OP posts:
MicroManaged · 22/09/2018 22:28

Doesn’t the NHS operate outside of London?

MicroManaged · 22/09/2018 22:29

So wait a few years, move, then have a baby.

Or have a baby now, then move in a few years.

ButAIBUtho · 22/09/2018 22:30

Rent, and tax credits like everyone else who can't afford to buy.

AlphaBravo · 22/09/2018 22:33

"I want to give them a nice house with a garden and their own room" 😂

Yeah... in London? Best get playing the lottery. Also half of the country want that. Time to lower your expectations. Welcome to being a millenial. You best chance at any of that is your kids doing well and buying you one as a retirement gift.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:35

KindergartenKop I'm not sure my expectations are where you think they are.

I want to have a baby and I want the security of owning my own home so that I'm not throwing £1,000+ away on rent every month.

We were viewing flats today and a 1 bed cost £360k and another £389k. They were tiny and actually about £100k above what we could get a mortgage for anyway.

I have been thinking about help to buy but put off by stories of overinflated prices and things breaking and falling apart after a few months. Plus the rent on top of the mortgage would be very difficult for us.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 22/09/2018 22:35

"I know that, but then will I ever be able to buy anything post-DC?"

No-one has a crystal ball, and your fortunes might improve, or something terrible could happen which wrecks everything. So you have to think about what's important here - your dream of what you would like to provide, or actually having the DC and doing your best, whatever turns up.

ElizabethG81 · 22/09/2018 22:35

How old are you? If you can wait, then wait for a couple of years before you start TTC, then hopefully you can move out of London and buy somewhere cheaper before the baby's born.

LostInLeics · 22/09/2018 22:38

So move away from London? Life does go on outside the M25 you know? Much better quality of life, countryside, affordable homes, whats stopping you?

needyourlovingtouch · 22/09/2018 22:38

Can you move back in with parents for a while or rent a room in a flat share to help save?

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:38

MicroManaged

Yes it exists outside London Hmm but as I said, he has to stay in the job for a few years. Doesn't look good to move and he doesn't have the luxury of choice or being in demand. He's not a nurse, sadly.

And as for waiting to TTC - age is an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:40

needyourlovingtouch

Parents live abroad or with their own new families in other parts of the country, so not a viable option for us.

OP posts:
DieAntword · 22/09/2018 22:42

Just move when the baby is two.

My parents had me in a rented flat in London. When I was 2 we moved to Bristol and lived in a really shitty terraced house in a shitty area where we were repeatedly burgled and they had my brother - not ideal of course but I’m fairly sure worth having a child for. When I was 3 we moved to Croydon and then when I was 4 to Lampeter, bought a lovely 5 bed semi where my mum did a geography degree while my dad came home at weekends working away (he continued to do this my whole life). Then when I was 8 they moved to a bigger town in Wales and bought a massive 7 bed townhouse with a breakfast room, dining room, front room AND living room and two kitchens (previous owners had converted part of it into a granny flat).

It’s early days. It’s ok to rent with a baby. Doesn’t mean you’re trapped for life. And if you can get out of London, even in a few years, do it, you can always come back in a decade or so when you have some equity IF you like it enough.

Meesh77 · 22/09/2018 22:42

Are you willing to say how old you are?