To be devastated by TTC plans and life in general?

[Ahistoryofbees]

Name changed for this but penis beaker and cancel the cheque etc.

I don't really know how to start.

It's dawning on me that I can't afford to have a baby, sparked by a day of looking at over-priced shoeboxes. I live in London and have a shitty salary and my DP has only just graduated (mature student) so he hasn't been earning the last few years, it's all been on me and I haven't been able to save.

So I have a tiny amount of money saved from before, but not enough to even buy a one bed flat in our area. DP's job will be here so moving isn't an option for another 3 years at least as the nature of the job means he has to be within 30 minutes of work.

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible. We can't afford to buy a home, I don't know how we'd cope with nursery fees or one salary if I stayed at home, and I'm just so so devastated and angry that I never got myself a proper career and that I hadn't thought about the practical aspects of having a baby until this point and I just don't know what to do. I'm hiding in bed crying my eyes out because I can't see what I could do. We're stuck renting this stupid flat which gets mouldy every winter.

What job has your oh trained for?I can't think of many jobs that are over prescribed.Has he even tried applying for jobs elsewhere?

There is never a right time. And the feeling of stability and security does not automatically come if you own a 3-bed home with garden, surely you must see that? That's up to you both.
I have a friend who lives in London with her DH and 13-year-old son. They have never owned a property. They rent a 1-bed flat. They are happy, and their boy is a lovely child who wants for nothing regarding stability and security.

If you want a child now, have one. Don't wait. Life's too short.

I think you’re being a bit ridiculous. You want to have a baby by xyz date, you want to stay in London, you want your child to have a garden, you didn’t save enough....it’s a bit moon on a stick. Lots of people aren’t able to afford lots of things, but they cut their cloth accordingly. You’ll have two incomes shortly, one of them an NHS job. In the UK that means you should be able to afford one child. It may not be easy or immediate or naice, but it’s a child. How badly do you want the child if you’re crying under your duvet after one day of flathunting?

You could get a mortgage for £250k?
What I would do is buy a house outside London for £150. You live and work there, and possibly let out a room to a lodger. Your DP meanwhile rents a room in London and sleeps there the when he's working.

This is what DH and I did (although I was the one in London) until I went on maternity leave. I know several people who have done the same.

I think you are thinking up problems too far ahead...
You can have a baby in a rented flat in London, then in a few years move out...
You can still save towards a mortgage too, it'll just take longer.

It depends on your ages really. My DM got cancer in her early 40s which made me want to have children younger. She's ok now but she says at the time she'd wished she'd had us young 'just in case'

Your age is highly relevant. For all of the stories of women conceiving immediately, there are stories like mine, where women don’t. I started ttc in my early 30’s. Ended up having ivf. Two full cycles and 1 frozen one to produce dd 7 years later. You’re not coming across well imo by not saying.

As for needing space for a child. No, a child doesn’t actually need their own bedroom as a baby or even as a toddler. It’s a nice to have and I’d aim for that when they are 3. Seeing as you’re not even pregnant yet, that’s highly achievable.

As others have said, you could consider buying a 2 bed house for 250k with good rail links to the city if you choose to do so. I get the rail fare will be very expensive but the mortgage payments will likely be less than your rent is today so perhaps that is achievable.

I'd have the baby and work out the accomodation at a later stage. He works where you are, then look at moving elsewhere. You already know how to survive on one wage- I wouldn't wait if that's what you want. There will never be a perfect time

If you have been surviving on your salary, can you have another frugal year and save dp’s entire salary for a year and review your status then? If you ttc then, and live in the same way, you’d have nearly two years worst case of savings behind you by the time you gave birth. You could survive in a 1 bed flat for at least another year after that by which point dp has 3 years work experience behind him and you may be in a position to think about moving areas. If not, with salary rises and living off dp’s salary rather than yours which you have been used to, might you be able to afford to rent a 2 bed flat until,dp can transfer areas? Or, are there definitely no places to buy within a 30 min commute (Croydon?).

Also, make sure you have checked Hmrc calculator to identify everything you’d be entitled to. Working tax credits? , Child benefit, Childcare vouchers schemes, etc.. Also checkout childcare options to see if it’s worth you going back to work or whether you’ll need to live from dp’s salary until dc a bit older (gets early years provision), . Nurseries in hospitals are normally subsidised so may be more affordable. (Childminders are cheaper than nurseries usually)

As another poster has mentioned, you moving to and buying in a cheaper area and dp renting a room when working until he can transfer is something else to consider

@Ahistoryofbees
As you won’t divulge your age (which is highly relevant to post) it’s hard to know if you’re being dramatic.
FWIW by friends both Drs conceived late 20’s whilst living in rented one bed flat and couldn’t afford to buy until last year when oldest was 10 and younger child 6.
They bought 3 bed terrace in outer London with no parental help.

Am I the only curious one wanting to know your partners profession where he is working for the NHS on a low banding but not in a demand role even in London?

There is never a right time to have a baby. When my eldest was born we lived in a rented flat in London and bought when he was almost a year. He slept in our room until then.

If you DP is NHS does his work have a nursery attached? He will be able to get childcare vouchers, his work will be signed up to one of the schemes. Get him to find out.

Also why not do two years then move? He’ll have experience by then. You haven’t said what job he does but it’s really not that hard to find band 5 jobs around the country, if that’s his starting level.

I think you’ve got lots of options, you don’t need to stay in London, I didn’t.

What is the point of spending a day viewing properties that are £100,000 more than you can afford ? Of course that is going to make you unhappy and frustrated.
I agree with everyone else that you are just being negative when actually you are doing ok and have lots of options.
For what it’s worth I worked in a central London hospital for many years and lived in a tiny rented flat. I would never have been able to afford to buy in that area. When I felt I had had enough of London life I got a job up north , bought my own house with garden and got a cat. You just have to work out your priorities.

Housing in London has been expensive and out of the range of average earners for nearly 20 years now. What made you think you were any different to anyone else? Why do you think people work hard and go to college and get professional jobs or boring 60-hour per week jobs in banks and the like? They have to if they want to own a home and have a family. That's just how it is, especially if you want to live in a city as expensive as London.

I'm struggling to understand why this is news to you. Haven't you had friends or family with children and seen how expensive life is for them?

It is definitely a struggle but I can't understand why this is just hitting you now, like a bolt from the blue. You need a plan and you need to start saving right now if you want to achieve the very improbable feat of being a 20? / 30? something homeowner with a family in London, all on an average salary.

Unlurking to tell you that even the best laid plans sometimes don't work out as you expect, this time next year things could be totally different. My dh and I had our first daughter as an unplanned pregnancy during my final year at uni. Got married, lived in a small expensive city flat for 18 months while we got decent jobs, then moved out of the city and commuted for another 2 1/2 years and now we've just bought our own detached 3 beds garden, and both swopped jobs to something more family friendly after having our second daughter. It was a lot of grind but just because you start somewhere less than ideal doesn't mean you will be there forever.

Why doesn't your DH transfer to a different trust in a cheaper area? I can't think of any NHS professions that frown on you changing trusts even as a newly qualified. Lots of jobs are advertised as 'suitable for newly qualified' especially rotational jobs.

The majority of people can't afford to get on the property ladder before starting a family. You need to work out which is more important to you.

We rented in a cheap area while I was on mat leave, saved up for a deposit and bought a house in a nicer area once I was back on a full time salary.

@Ahistoryofbees I work (non clinically) in the NHS and I am not aware of any roles where it would 'look bad' to move straight after degree. We have such shortages in so many areas. Physio, radiology, pharmacy, as well as the usual midwives, nurses and doctors. I don't think it's as big an issue as you think, I would really encourage you to look at moving out of London ASAP.

Sorry but you are BU. If you can afford a 250k mortgage, you're doing a lot better than a lot of us!

I think it would be a good idea to try and save DP's whole wage. Although possibly take into account travel costs if he didn't have those when studying. Depending on your age, you could save for a year or two then start TTC. Though don't expect everything to go to plan.

My sister started TTC and fell pregnant the first month. My friend on the other hand took a year for her 2nd.

If you're closer to 35, you should give some serious consideration to ttc now. Even if you're not worried about your age, it sounds like DP is worrying about his. It's not impossible but you need to let go of the notion of having it all. Unfortunately we can't have it all.

On your death bed what would you regret more, leaving DC too late but having a nice house which you own with a garden, or having had your DC but rented for your whole life? These are worst case scenarios of course but give some serious thought to which you'd regret more.

Absolutely no point buying a one bed anyway when you’ll want to move within a few years anyway. Like renting, it’s just money down the drain due to stamp duty, solicitors fees and the fact that house prices are unlikely to go up to recoup these in just a few years.
I have a 3 bed and our 2 year old sleeps with us FYI.
What I would do is this - have a child in a rented flat as he gets his first job for NHS I. London. Babies don’t need gardens or rooms, they just need their parents. When he has done his first placement move out of London to somewhere more affordable, potentially with a 1 or 2 year old in tow.

If you don’t want to risk your fertility by waiting, than just go for it now. Once your fertility is gone that’s it really. London is full of people having babies in one bed flats just like in many cities over the world. Babies actually prefer sleeping next to their parents. Plan to move out of London in 2 to 3 years time when your dh has experience.

I don’t understand why money is now more of a worry, from my understanding your OH used to study and bring home nothing and now he’s about to start a job and bring home a salary, maybe not an amazing salary but more than nothing. Could you rent somewhere “better”- cheaper part of London ie. east London/ Kent?

What role does he do in the NHS?
Are you only limited to England?
Can you apply for council housing and can he commute to hospital?
Have the baby it probably ain't going to get any harder really

I bought a decent-sized 3 bedroom semi with front and back garden for £85k on a quiet street on the outskirts of Manchester (working class area but felt very safe). It's great that your husband has been offered a job, but staying in London just doesn't seem very realistic for the lifestyle you envisage. I definitely think it would be worth searching for jobs further north.

I don't quite understand why you have to live within 30mins on your DH's job.
My DH works for the NHS and travels for over an hour. We live in a cheaper area of London.
There are places in London where a 1bed flat isn't near on £400k.
Help to buy is an option but again you'll probably have to consider other areas.
Can you explain a bit more as to why that isn't an option?

You’re actually in the very privileged position that your DH’s job is transferable and can be done anywhere in the country. Many people aren’t in that position.
You also say your DH wants kids before a certain age... if the choice is kids after that age or no kids at all, what would he choose?
We have a fairly high household income but would not be able to afford the house we wanted anywhere near London. So we live elsewhere. Got a large 4 bed house for less than £300k. If you already don’t live near family then that makes the choice to relocate even easier.
You are both putting barriers in your own way. If you can’t have children in your current situation, then change it.

Are you married? I would prioritise that.