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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by TTC plans and life in general?

207 replies

Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:05

Name changed for this but penis beaker and cancel the cheque etc.

I don't really know how to start.

It's dawning on me that I can't afford to have a baby, sparked by a day of looking at over-priced shoeboxes. I live in London and have a shitty salary and my DP has only just graduated (mature student) so he hasn't been earning the last few years, it's all been on me and I haven't been able to save.

So I have a tiny amount of money saved from before, but not enough to even buy a one bed flat in our area. DP's job will be here so moving isn't an option for another 3 years at least as the nature of the job means he has to be within 30 minutes of work.

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible. We can't afford to buy a home, I don't know how we'd cope with nursery fees or one salary if I stayed at home, and I'm just so so devastated and angry that I never got myself a proper career and that I hadn't thought about the practical aspects of having a baby until this point and I just don't know what to do. I'm hiding in bed crying my eyes out because I can't see what I could do. We're stuck renting this stupid flat which gets mouldy every winter.

OP posts:
User467 · 24/09/2018 11:29

You're really over thinking the criteria for the jobs. Is his job on the agenda for change scales i.e. Band 5, 6 etc? He really can apply for these anywhere in the country. Some will have 60 applicants, some will have 1. London jobs will be more competitive so will be harder to get. He's been offered a job where he trained, great, but that in no way stops him applying else where and doesn't give him any more chance of getting the promotion when they come up. The job descriptions have to give a minimum experience,it helps with short listing when there are large numbers of applicants, but managers often overlook this if the person is otherwise best for the role. I work in the NHS and changing trusts, and being prepared to move for jobs actually helped me climb the ladder quicker. I have friends who have sat in entry level (band 5) jobs for 10years because they didn't want to move. His chance of promotion all depends on the availability of jobs in that area and him being best at interview. It's very different than private industry where you can work your way up and be promoted on merit.

Have you looked at what vacancies are available else where?

reallybadidea · 24/09/2018 12:08

So off the top of my head:
Scrub nurses
Anaesthetic nurses/ODPs
Theatre porters
Radiographers
Physios
Pharmacists
Organ retrieval surgeons
Organ preservationists
Donor care physiologists
Specialist nurses in organ donation
Transplant nurses
Liver perfusionists
Ambulance drivers for specialist services
ECMO specialist nurses
Cardiac physiologists
Mental health nurses
Clinical perfusionists
Social workers

I'm sure there's probably a fair few more!

reallybadidea · 24/09/2018 12:09

That was to @Meesh77

bluerinsesurrey · 24/09/2018 13:13

If having children is important to you, start TTC now.

Do not do this, OP.

Do not have a child until you are married.

Legal protection should be your first aim.

rebelworld · 24/09/2018 13:15

He’s really not being straight with you.

Meesh77 · 24/09/2018 13:28

Many of those are poorly paid by London standards. If they insist on them living 30 minutes from home, I’m amazed they recruit any of them in central London. I’m certainly surprised there’s 60 applicants per job. Who knew?!

Geraldine170 · 24/09/2018 13:35

I lived in London and had this problem.

I now live in Yorkshire and have 3 kids. All born in a rental. It’s a great option for mature students and there are a LOT of NHS jobs here, rentals are cheap and frequently long term.

Congratulations on him graduating. Sounds like you are both working your asses of so if you wanted to should be easy to find something.

serbska · 24/09/2018 13:36

Bit confused as to why he did expensive retraining into a career where there isn't much demand for it?

Geraldine170 · 24/09/2018 13:38

Do not have a child until you are married.
Legal protection should be your first aim.

For the love of God, she’s already said they’ve got fuck all money and no property. Hardly any advantages to marriage in this situation for the woman. Only really for the man in terms of automatically legally being the father of his children.

Why do people parrot this stuff without thinking?

serbska · 24/09/2018 13:40

@reallybadidea there is no way most of those have it mandated into their contract that they have to live within 30 mins of the hospital. No way.

Geraldine170 · 24/09/2018 13:54

Honestly, as someone who has actually moved to be able to afford a family then had ten years of infertility including three years of infertility to have my family: If you really wanted a child you would have one, you’d find a way.

People who say things like ‘Oh I don’t want to have a baby until I have bought a house and I can’t afford a house’ really just aren’t that bothered about having a baby.

I may be completely off here, but you say your partner has a cut off age. Are you sure it’s not this and his expectations that are putting pressure on you when you’re not ready? And the house is just a red herring?

He only gets a say in if you have kids, not when. You are the one who carries the baby so you say when. If it’s after his cut off date you are ready then he has a choice between later and never. You have to chose between them. But don’t be railroaded if you’re not ready. You won’t make yourself or your child happy if you do.

Geraldine170 · 24/09/2018 13:54

*three years of infertility treatment the three years should have read as

FrenchJunebug · 24/09/2018 14:11

YABU but I know where you are coming from but believe if you wait for life to be 'perfect' before having a child you will never have a child. My DS and I lived in a one bed rented flat until he was 5 and then move to a rented two bed flat. He is loved, has food on the table, does activities. He is happy. He couldn't care less about having a garden or a big house.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 24/09/2018 14:12

Geraldine170

Are you sure it’s not this and his expectations that are putting pressure on you when you’re not ready? And the house is just a red herring?

Interesting point actually and I had to stop and think about this one. No I do think I'm ready. It's been a rather abstract concept up until now I suppose I always thought I'd have stuff like a house sorted out by the time I was going to have a baby. And now I'm having the reality that I don't.

I grew up in a council flat and wasn't allowed to play outside etc and was very jealous of friends with gardens who could just go outside when they wanted. My grandparents live in a different country and they always had acres of space for me and my cousins to run riot in. I just feel like such a failure in comparison that I don't have what I feel like the basics sorted. I understand objectively that I'm in London and everything is expensive etc but emotionally it's still affecting me.

I think DP and I will just have to nail down a 5 year plan or something for saving and moving and talk about realistic timelines.

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 24/09/2018 14:23

@serbska I never said that they did. The question I was replying to was what NHS occupations may need to do on calls. This was in response to a pp who said that very few occupations in the NHS do on calls.

reallybadidea · 24/09/2018 14:25

@meesh77 I don't think the OP has said anywhere that there are 60 applicants per place in London. However, yes that is one of the (many) reasons why it is difficult to recruit in London (and other high costs areas).

Meesh77 · 24/09/2018 15:03

You’ve perhaps missed my point about on calls. I work in the nhs, so I understand that many nhs jobs require on call, but the OP specifically said that her partner is required to live 30 minutes from home. I doubt that the extensive list of professions given above have anything in their contract saying that they have to live within a certain distance. I know consultants have to, in some specialities.

Also, I’m pretty sure she says that there are 60 applicants per post for the type of work he does. It’s a graduate profession but it’s obviously not a medic and she says it’s not a nurse. It can’t be an AHP because there are shortages of good applicants for those. It may be a psychology assistant, which is badly paid, but certainly not senior enough to require on call or stipulate a distance from home.

So it’s a bit confusing.

Geraldine170 · 24/09/2018 15:05

Interesting point actually and I had to stop and think about this one. No I do think I'm ready.

Mmm, now I’m saying there is a difference between being reading for something and actively wanting something. And you are not doing a great job of convincing me you really want a baby.

I just feel like such a failure in comparison that I don't have what I feel like the basics sorted. I understand objectively that I'm in London and everything is expensive etc but emotionally it's still affecting me.

Lovie, this is a London thing too. When I lived in London the first question I was always asked was ‘What do you do’, ‘Where do you live’. Everyone is so concerned with wealth and status. Honestly, I have tested this for a laugh. Tell someone you are a journalist/doctor/lawyer from Putney in London and they will smile and move the conversation on. Tell them that you are a receptionist from Penge and they will look horrified turn their back on you.

That has hardly ever, ever happened to me in the North. People just aimlessly chat to you much more. Nobody would know or care if you rented or owned in the north and your kid could have their own bedroom and a garden and live in a private let from 0-18 if you wanted.

You could even buy a house in London with help to buy if you wanted to. But you’ve come up with a load of excuses why you can’t do that either?

Honestly, really, you don’t want a baby right now do you? Please don’t do this right now unless you are absolutely certain it’s what you want. You don’t have to make excuses or pretend it’s something else, it’s the most important decision you will ever make. Don’t do this until you want it. That is the best for you and your children. Your DH’s time limit is irrelevant really. If he loves you you’d happiness will be more important than some arbitrary time limit.

Geraldine170 · 24/09/2018 15:15

meesh Honestly in London there are loads of things he could be doing, just off the top of my head there are jobs in toxicology which are low paid but MUST always be covered on pain of death - literally. If you have two toxicology assistants phone in sick and two more stuck behind traffic going to a concert then nobody is going to get the figures which tell you that 11 year old (who took 12 paracetamol as a gesture she didn’t think would be enough to kill her) actually has a failing liver and needs a transplant.

It’s a no brainer there are shitloads of qualified people in London and they can pay less when there are more people applying for the job than there are jobs.

Which brings me to another point, OP have you checked if you qualify for key worker housing in London?

Geraldine170 · 24/09/2018 15:16

There are social housing and schemes to buy for key workers in London. Surely you’d be at the top of the list?

Meesh77 · 24/09/2018 16:13

But do you really think that these low paid jobs get so many applicants who can live within 30 minutes? It seems a bit odd. Im a bit confused why the OP won’t tell us what he does. It won’t identify her.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 24/09/2018 16:28

have you checked if you qualify for key worker housing in London No, I haven't but I will. I didn't know it was a thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 24/09/2018 16:34

Meesh77 Because I've spoken to people I know about this and they may well be on here. As I've come across as so "entitled" to quite a few people on this thread I really don't want my identity to be confirmed if someone IS lurking and suspects it's me. Job actually states he must be able to get there within 40 minutes of getting the call. 5 minutes to get dressed and out of the door and 5 minutes to park and get to the department leaves 30 minutes to travel.

OP posts:
Meesh77 · 24/09/2018 16:40

Which suggests a skill that is in demand, and with which he would be employable outside the capital. It doesn’t sound as though living in the capital is compatible with what you want in life. Would it be possible to move just outside; somewhere like Reading or High Wycombe which would allow you to access everything London has to offer (Paddington 30 minutes direct train from Reading, for example). Im 45 and the vast majority of my London friends moved out to similar places shortly after having children. In every case they actually still commute in, though none of them have a job with demands about where they can live. How often does he need to be on call?

easterlemma · 24/09/2018 17:06

Im glad you feel a bit better OP! I understand how you feel and I don't think there's anything wrong in thinking about how you might best prepare for a baby financially. I don't understand some of the harsh replies. I do, however, think you can definitely have a baby if you want to! You seem like someone who is organised and thoughtful about what you want and what is realistic for you and your family. You really seem to care about the kind of life you can give to a child and I think that's great. Best of luck with it all!