To be devastated by TTC plans and life in general?

[Ahistoryofbees]

Name changed for this but penis beaker and cancel the cheque etc.

I don't really know how to start.

It's dawning on me that I can't afford to have a baby, sparked by a day of looking at over-priced shoeboxes. I live in London and have a shitty salary and my DP has only just graduated (mature student) so he hasn't been earning the last few years, it's all been on me and I haven't been able to save.

So I have a tiny amount of money saved from before, but not enough to even buy a one bed flat in our area. DP's job will be here so moving isn't an option for another 3 years at least as the nature of the job means he has to be within 30 minutes of work.

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible. We can't afford to buy a home, I don't know how we'd cope with nursery fees or one salary if I stayed at home, and I'm just so so devastated and angry that I never got myself a proper career and that I hadn't thought about the practical aspects of having a baby until this point and I just don't know what to do. I'm hiding in bed crying my eyes out because I can't see what I could do. We're stuck renting this stupid flat which gets mouldy every winter.

Is your DP going to be on call? In which case you have to be able to reach the hospital within 30 minutes, but if you live further out you stay over.

There are lots of us NHS workers on here, if you tell us what his job role is we can tell you how likely he is to find work elsewhere. Usually very.

You say that you can't move away from London, but you really can. You can make ANYTHING happen, if you want it enough.

I've lived in 5 different cities/towns in the UK (London was one of them). Some moves were for work, others were for personal reasons.

I now live 25 minutes outside of Edinburgh. Absolutely gorgeous seaside town, and for £360k here, you'd get a very posh 5 bedroom detached house with big garden and a driveway for 4+ cars.

For your budget (which I think was around £250k) you'd be able to buy my house and have spare change (!), which is a 5 bedroom townhouse bang on the seafront.

Fantastic schools here, and like I say, just a 25 minute commute to Edinburgh, although there are 3 enormous hospitals within an easy driving commute (one would be 10 mins, the other 20 mins and the other 30 mins).

Having lived in London, in a 1 bed shitty mouldy flat, which would cost about the same as my 5 bed home here, there is NO WAY that I would ever live in London again. It's madness.

MOVE. At least be open to it.

I love the property programmes on telly, like Location Location Location, but when they do London, and show people around a bedsit for £350k, I almost spit out my coffee! Because I know that you'd get a beautiful huge home and garden here for less. And still be within striking distance of a Capital City. I can't fathom why anyone does it. I end up concluding that Londoners must just think that anywhere Northern isn't busy or vibrant. How wrong can people be!!

You can't afford to live in London, so move somewhere where the prices aren't so obscene...

This all just reads like you're unwilling to compromise, so do you really want children that badly?

I'm guessing you won't say your age because you're in your 20s. You have time to wait a few years but your partner doesn't want to as he's older. A couple of years won't make any difference to him. You can make do and have a baby where you are now or wait a couple of years so you'll have more money. Both options are fine. Lots of people are in a much worse position.

Sorry have I misunderstood? You can get a mortgage for £250k? You said you were looking at flats for £350k and they were over £100k what you could get a mortgage for ? If that's the case then perhaps not in London but you can afford a mortgage and you need to plan to move from London if your own home is that important to you. Again perhaps in London your salaries are low but ekes where being able to afford that level of mortgage your doing ok.

I remember feeling like this when I was about 25 and we were renting in an expensive area of the south east. Between us we were earning something like £35k with little hope for getting a mortgage. It all felt utterly hopeless. Fortunately we had the foresight to realise that we didn't know what the future held and that we should save save save "just in case". As it happened over time saving paid off, because although we hadn't saved a huge amount, we saved enough to buy a shared ownership house and then I had DD1 very shortly after. Of course our salaries went up during this time which helped with childcare costs (as did childcare vouchers). We kept saving and living VERY frugally to get out of shared ownership and buy a bigger house. We did this and moved when I was pregnant with DD2. I decided I wanted to be at home more so found a really good and flexible job which worked with the our lifestyle. DH has also since had a small promotion which will help his future career and I'm now on mat leave about to have DC3 (with plans in place to run my own business when mat leave ends).

We never had it all sorted, with everything ready in advance. We just took big leaps of faith and did out best and planned as best as we could. So my advice is not to give up and to try and save regardless - apply for jobs the next step up and make it happen. Comparatively we have friends who right back when we were in our mid 20s, didn't save and had the exact same circumstances as us, and they are either still in the same position with no DC, or are renting with DC. Of course there is nothing bad about renting but I am addressing the point that YOU want to buy.

You need to look at some different areas. You can get a lot more for your money the further out you go and - so long as the transport links are good - travel is not a problem. We live near this place (very outing but whatever) and I travel into Cannon Street and husband into Charing Cross within 1 hour. Always get a seat in the train and they're not too bad for reliability.

Hope the link works - not sure of how to do them really.

www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/48908128

Are you ever going to come back, OP?

I also think it’s really important to not pretend that our parents generation were sorted at age 22 because of easy jobs and pay rises and houses that cost about £20.

I and a lot of people I know were born in and lived in some really shocking flats when our parents were just getting going. The bits I remember of course were decent size house and a garden but this happened over the course of many years as they worked their way up in their careers and scrimped and saved.

It’s not unrealistic to imagine you should both be able to earn a decent amount more within a few years. Pay may not be moving up much but at the start of career you will move up bands in the NHS surely. Your baby won’t remember the first few years of moving around and upsizing and not having enough money for any treats, they really won’t.

I've been in a similar position OP. We went ahead and had a baby in tiny rented flat. Then we bought a bigger flat in the very outskirts of London that had good commuter links. Fast forward a few years and we moved up north and can buy a big house for the proceeds of the flat we bought. I don't regret having a child in rented when our incomes were low, but it was very hard at times. Most people I know waited until they were more financially secure, but I am happy that I had a baby when I was still relatively young and fit.

OP, is your DP in one of the psych fields?

I totally get where you are coming from. I too used to think that way, I wanted everything in place for any potential family. And because you are not that far away from having it all in place, it feels even more frustrating (if that makes sense).

The posters here give very good advice. You need to take stock of what you have now and make a decision. If you don't like the outcome of any of those decisions, then you need to wait untill you are in a better position. But waiting doesn't guarantee anything.

You do not need a three bed house and a garden.

We're both on minimum wage, raising a family in a rented flat and you know what? it's fine.

Babies don’t care if the house they live in is rented or owned! I understand your feelings because I had the same ones when we started TTC- in the end we decided our desire to have a baby far outweighed the one to own our own home, we could buy later when we were in a better financial position. Babies don’t have to be ridiculously expensive, look for the big things like prams etc secondhand.
The thing is you don’t know what will happen in the next few years, so it’s all well and good people saying wait a few years before ttc - I have a good friend who did this. She didn’t know she had fertility problems and it’s taken her 5 years (after her initial 18 months of waiting to try, sobher and her DP could save for a house deposit) and two rounds of expensive (only one was NHS funded) and emotional ivf to have a baby. They have now eventually had a baby and have their own home and are very financially secure. The downside is they feel they're too old to have more when originally they wanted a big family. On the other hand my parents had 3 children in tiny rented houses- they struggled financially for a good few years but they managed and we were all very happy. They couldn’t afford to buy their own house until I, the eldest, was 14.
I know that’s over simplified but the point is if you can’t do both, decide what your priority is- buying a home or having a baby and make it happen. Neither way is right / wrong. It depends what you want more 🤷🏻‍♀️ Good luck OP!

‘Are you married? I would prioritise that’

ok....

What a bitchy post Lady. Yes imagine a woman wanting a bit if financial security before she commits to having a child. Who does she think she is, it's not like she's likely to take the financial hit, and if he walks off she'll be fine paying for her 1 bed flat and childcare out of her single wage. But he wants a baby now so best get on with it, let's just hope he doesnt change his mind.

I agree with pp about making a plan to move away from London to somewhere cheaper if owning your own property is a priority for you.

I would expect almost all types of NHS jobs to have posts across the country, even if your DP doesn’t have enough experience to apply for jobs elsewhere now, it’s something he can work towards.

And a baby doesn’t need much space to start with, so if having one is a priority, then having one now and moving somewhere bigger once your DP has enough experience to apply for jobs in cheaper areas is surely still an option?

Why can’t you move to a far cheaper area outside London with a commute of forty minutes to an hour? Yes train fare will be more but the rent will be a lot lower? Don’t really see the problem

@Ahistoryofbees My Mum was a single mum. We moved from (sometimes mouldy) flat to flat until we got a house when I was about 15.

She made each a home and I had no concept of insecurity because of renting. Although in fairness I'm sure she did. We had such a nice life.

My friends from childhood still reminisce about those flats and our time there. My point is whilst there's an ideal scenario, I don't think renting is a reason to not have a baby.

I had my house sorted (not England) and ducks in a row financially. Still had horrific PND ... There's no 'right' time. But it's still the most amazing thing I've ever done.

If you're ready for a child, don't let renting be a reason not to TTC.

Your husband's NHS Trust may be able to help with housing. Sometimes you can live in hospital accommodation which is cheaper to rent than the going market rate. I'm not sure if you would be able to as a couple, it is dependent on the Trust but certainly worth exploring. He could ask HR.

Also several of my friends have bought shared ownership properties in London as NHS workers, at band 5 or 6. It is doable.

www.cnwl.nhs.uk/work-with-us/why-cnwl/what-we-offer/help-with-accommodation/

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible

I haven’t read the entire thread but don’t really see the problem in just revising your ‘sort of’ plan and putting off TTC for 3 years till when your DP is established in his new career and can look for work in any part of the country. You haven’t given your ages but if he was not too old to embark on higher education 3 years ago and embark on his new career now, I can’t see how 3 years is going to make much difference in what age he becomes a dad. If he’s not too old now; he won’t be too old then! Of course, 3 years is relavant to a woman in terms of fertility but you haven’t mentioned that you will be too old. With your DH now working, you should also be able to save to give you some security before you have a child.

What does he do in the NHS?

Its all about him
HE wanted to continue long studies into being a mature student and not bringing money in
HE needs to stay in london for HIS job
HE wants to have kids ASAP because HE has a cut off age

I haven't RTFT but I'm not sure you have understood help to buy correctly either. You don't pay rent on help to buy. You get a brand new house/flat, with builder's warranty if things go wrong. I think it might help you to look into that a bit further?

I have a baby and toddler in a small flat op. Not ideal but we wanted kids and can't afford to move yet. We only just get by as for now I am a sahm, but my thinking was if we waited to ttc until we were more financially stable and got too old etc I would live my life regretting it.
My DM was one of 7 and raised in a tiny house, quite normal back then.