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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by TTC plans and life in general?

207 replies

Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:05

Name changed for this but penis beaker and cancel the cheque etc.

I don't really know how to start.

It's dawning on me that I can't afford to have a baby, sparked by a day of looking at over-priced shoeboxes. I live in London and have a shitty salary and my DP has only just graduated (mature student) so he hasn't been earning the last few years, it's all been on me and I haven't been able to save.

So I have a tiny amount of money saved from before, but not enough to even buy a one bed flat in our area. DP's job will be here so moving isn't an option for another 3 years at least as the nature of the job means he has to be within 30 minutes of work.

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible. We can't afford to buy a home, I don't know how we'd cope with nursery fees or one salary if I stayed at home, and I'm just so so devastated and angry that I never got myself a proper career and that I hadn't thought about the practical aspects of having a baby until this point and I just don't know what to do. I'm hiding in bed crying my eyes out because I can't see what I could do. We're stuck renting this stupid flat which gets mouldy every winter.

OP posts:
Twotailed · 22/09/2018 22:43

I don’t think he has to stay in the job for a few years. One year would show commitment and experience surely?

LuluJakey1 · 22/09/2018 22:44

Come and live in the north-east. You can buy a nice three bedroomed terraced house here for £120,000 in some areas (nice ones not dumps).

Nigglenaggle · 22/09/2018 22:44

Sorry for the snotty replies you've had OP. I come from an extended family where there was a group of nine in very poor child to space ratio. They did fine. None of them went on to have 9 children but there were aspects of their childhood they directly enjoyed or found beneficial. My point is that as long as you love your child and do your best, the financial/space situation takes second place. If there are people to whom it's easier to blame your childlessness on your situation when it's a choice, I don't judge you for that, but don't let space stop you having children if it's what you really want. Lots of people live in very limited space these days. Maybe it'll turn into a good thing and we'll start letting our children have reasonable roaming rights again.... On a purely medical level I recommend cracking on with childrearing if you intend to do so as soon as you decide it's what you both want. The child I had after 35yrs was significantly harder than those that preceeded it.

Our house is really damp by the way, but our multiple children (they will be 3 to a room) have survived it. We spend lots of time outdoors. They get on well. I have NO guilt about the space we give them. They have our time and love.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:45

Twotailed

Most non-entry level jobs ask for at least 3 years experience. Quite a few ask for 5.

OP posts:
PurpleArmy · 22/09/2018 22:45

You'll have to move out of London, surely the beauty of the NHS is that there are places to work all over the country.

DP can work for a year in current post then plan to move somewhere else. What is the job? How old are you?

FannyOutOfTheFarawayTree · 22/09/2018 22:46

We commute one hour to London for work and just bought a 250 k 2 bed house.

LuluJakey1 · 22/09/2018 22:47

This is a lovely street. House needs a bit of work but looks liveable.
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-67392025.html

gwenneh · 22/09/2018 22:47

No-one has a crystal ball, and your fortunes might improve, or something terrible could happen which wrecks everything.

^^ This. And it could equally happen whether you rent or own -- it really isn't worth it to get hung up on that.

We are only just now, when I am heading towards 40, home owners. This is years after having children and we survived as renters, with no family and friends around, for many years.

People do it every day. It isn't always comfortable or easy, but what is?

CaledonianQueen · 22/09/2018 22:48

Would renting further out but your partner commuting be an option? You could buy further away and have your partner commute - lots do it. Some find a room to rent in a London for Monday- Thursday and commute home Fri/ Sat/ Sun. Then when his contract is up he can look at transferring to a position closer to home.

barleyreed · 22/09/2018 22:48

Have you considered part ownership? My DB has a shared ownership flat in London, owned 50/50 and although not ideal it was a great way of escaping renting!

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:48

Meesh77

My age isn't the issue really, I'm young enough to wait a bit longer. DP is older than me and wants DC before he's a certain age. I'm reluctant to say the number because I don't want to be told that Tom, Dick and Harry had kids when they were 30, 40, 50, etc.

OP posts:
PurpleArmy · 22/09/2018 22:48

@LuluJakey1 but you get monster spiders where you are .....

Cornishclio · 22/09/2018 22:49

We moved away from London 30 years ago. I don't know how anyone on a "normal" salary manages to buy there. Renting is also expensive so I fully get why you would not want to throw your money away paying some landlords mortgage. If your partner has to live within 30 minutes of work and that work is in London then hopefully the salary reflects the cost of living in London. If not he needs to be looking elsewhere for work.

DorasBob · 22/09/2018 22:49

You aren’t going to be able to live an affluent middle class life in London if you are both low earners. Sureley you must have realised this before now?

What’s more important to you, having children, living in London, having your own house with garden? The way I see it you can have two of the three

AutoFilled · 22/09/2018 22:49

You just need to get out of London. Make a plan for it. NHS can be anywhere in the country. I’m in a very nice part of Hampshire with outstanding primary and secondary schools. £360k will get you a small 3 bed semi (one box room but it’s a 3 bed), not a 1 bed flat!

There is hope but you just need to be out of London.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:50

Nigglenaggle

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Tillytrotter123 · 22/09/2018 22:50

Could you just rent now and move somewhere cheaper in the future? It might not be good advice but I think sometimes you just find a way to make things work after you have children, it’s never the ‘perfect time.’ I wouldn’t risk delaying things for years if time is already a concern.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/09/2018 22:52

I'm having my first baby in November and that will be nearly 2 years after we decided to have one. It took us a year to conceive and then obviously pregnancy is 9 months. If your DP is now earning you should have time to at least save a little towards childcare, even if it's nothing near a London deposit.

If you really want the whole house/garden thing you'll have to move, but the child won't really have much concept of where they live while they're a toddler. You may just have to shift your timeline a bit.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:53

If your partner has to live within 30 minutes of work and that work is in London then hopefully the salary reflects the cost of living in London.

There's a £5k London weighting, which isn't much. The higher bands pay more obviously, but you need experience to be promoted to those bands.

OP posts:
AutoFilled · 22/09/2018 22:54

I mean you can have children now in rented, but plan to leave to somewhere cheaper. The best timing will be moved just before they get to reception (ie 3yo when they apply for schools). You want them to start school and not have to move. That should work nicely for you?

angelikacpickles · 22/09/2018 22:54

Rent in London for now while your DH gains experience. TTC while you are there. Two adults and a baby in a flat is doable. Then look at moving to a cheaper area when you DH has experience, somewhere you can afford a house with a garden.

Pringlecat · 22/09/2018 22:54

If having children is important to you, start TTC now.

It may take longer than you think.

You could wait for the perfect house and either never be able to afford it, or buy it then immediately have a change of circumstances and have to give it up.

I know you have an ideal set of circumstances, but if you are in a loving relationship, you both really want children and you can afford to put a roof of some kind over your heads, that's probably as good as it gets.

3ChangingForNow · 22/09/2018 22:57

Just have a baby. People have got by in much much worse circumstances and you will seriously regret not having one if this is the only reason.

BarbarianMum · 22/09/2018 22:58

Ok if you can wait a couple of years Id recommend you do that - and each month save the equivalent of a month's nursery fees. Then in a couple of years you can look to move away and you'll have a deposit/money to tide you over maternity leave /some savings for childcare. I think if you have a plan the time will pass quicker than you think .

zzzzz · 22/09/2018 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.