To be devastated by TTC plans and life in general?

[Ahistoryofbees]

Name changed for this but penis beaker and cancel the cheque etc.

I don't really know how to start.

It's dawning on me that I can't afford to have a baby, sparked by a day of looking at over-priced shoeboxes. I live in London and have a shitty salary and my DP has only just graduated (mature student) so he hasn't been earning the last few years, it's all been on me and I haven't been able to save.

So I have a tiny amount of money saved from before, but not enough to even buy a one bed flat in our area. DP's job will be here so moving isn't an option for another 3 years at least as the nature of the job means he has to be within 30 minutes of work.

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible. We can't afford to buy a home, I don't know how we'd cope with nursery fees or one salary if I stayed at home, and I'm just so so devastated and angry that I never got myself a proper career and that I hadn't thought about the practical aspects of having a baby until this point and I just don't know what to do. I'm hiding in bed crying my eyes out because I can't see what I could do. We're stuck renting this stupid flat which gets mouldy every winter.

Well I’d defer for a year! Give him a years experience in his job then move, I live In a gorgeous seaside town that people consider quaint and pretty and is very much sought after to live here the town centre is booming with lots of nice resteraunts and bars and NO empty shops!
Can buy a big 50’s 3 double beds semi on a huge plot with a driveway for 2/3 cars and big garden for around £300K! Or look 3 miles out of town and buy the same for £220k like we did as first time buyers!
Wouldn’t live in London for all the tea in China personally 🤷‍♀️

Regarding your age, I was going to say that if you are 30, I’d wait two years, if you are nearer 35 I’d just go for it.

Oh and think really carefully about whether dp should become dh before you conceive. How are you going to arrange finances after the baby is born?

what is more important to you, a baby or your lifestyle? You cannot have both at the moment...
Im not saying that to be harsh but it is a choice... and its one you could make.

I had a baby (unplanned) in a one bedroom rented flat when I was on a zero hours contract and had only been with the father for 3 months (also it was a long distance relationship with him living 4 hours away) I had no savings.... I even lost all my hours at work because of morning sickness so was basically penniless. My family all live abroad and so do the family of the babies father (now my DH)

Im married to the babies father now (3.5 years later) and we have just had a daughter and are about to buy our first house together.

We stayed in my flat till our son was 1. We made it work. It wasnt easy but I wouldnt say it was that hard either.... I think we have a good standard of living even though we only have one income of 38 grand (I am a SAHM now) My life has changed a lot and I never have things like brand new clothes or loads of meals out etc but I dont regret it at all.
It certainly would have been better if id had an actual career and savings and owned property.... but that isnt the way its panned out.

My children are wonderful and I think we have a good life.
I think if you wait till things are ideal you may be waiting forever!
If you can make it work somehow and its what you really want then I think you should just go for it tbh.

And what if your baby's dad had fucked off out of it when you were pregnant madeof and left you penniless? Do you think you'd be living the good life now?

It's very easy to say go ahead it'll be fine but a quick tour round these boards will give you any number if examples of when it isnt. Being trapped in insecure housing with no chance of getting together a deposit because each spare penny is needed to keep you going is not actually an ideal start to family life.

Honestly, there is never a right time or right circumstances.

I think as others have said, you do need to adjust your expectations. I understand what you wanted or imagined for your life and the future you're facing isn't it. But you can't have it all. I say this as someone who is still renting and really not where I thought I would be in my late 30s with 2 kids.

I don't know what the answer is for you. But the idea of moving from London does seem like the logical one to me. I live in North East Wales and the cost of our rent and child care bill for the month is less than your rent. My parents 4 bedroom 1930s semi in an affluent and sought after area nearby is worth less than what you'd pay for a flat in London.

If time isn't on your side, I would TTC while also trying to save while DP gets his experience under his belt. Then look to move elsewhere as quickly as possible. You don't know how long TTC will take and don't want to wait for the perfect time.

Have you considered looking for a live-in job for the next few years? Friends lived free in central London, as part-time caretakers for small museum, another couple I knew lived in a lovely scenic part of the country, doing similar job opening cottage which had belonged to poet.
Seems a possible way to improve accommodation while being able to increase savings.

shared ownership possible? look into this www.helptobuylondon.co.uk/other-housing-options/shared-ownership

Just have a baby if you want a baby. There is never a right time, and clearly you are not penniless.

We had a baby at a stupid time. Both of our non-permanent jobs were precarious, we lived in a city almost as expensive as London, and we were renting. Add to that the fact we'd been together about 7 months when we started TTC, and that we had to pay upwards of 3 grand to conceive (fertility treatment), and we look certifiably stupid.

There are various things in life I regret, but I never regret having had my daughter. She is 18 months old and she is the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. I am getting teary even writing that, cos that's how soppy and soft I have become.

And she wasn't an easy baby in many ways, and we did predictably both lose our jobs when she was newborn, and we did have to move house, and we did burn through any savings we'd earmarked for a house deposit. And we do not have a rocks-and-stars relationship.

But I have my daughter. All sorts of things have happened in the last 18 months that, if I had wished for a perfect time to have a baby, I would not have wanted - but, also, things have happened that make me realise how precarious fertility is, and I am so glad we had our baby when we did.

Hey, OP, it's okay. (Makes clucky reassuring noises) All is not lost!
You can always make more money. But there is a time window for making little people.
There's no ideal time to have a baby, and you have the important things in place - a (presumably) loving, supportive, committed partner, a job and a roof over your head.
Having a kid isn't a financial decision, because - heavens! - if it were, most of us would just go 'Shit. Definitely a Russian hamster for me.'

Stuff doesn't always happen like you think it will. When I was younger I thought I'd be married to a lovely young chap by 25, 2 kids by 30, and have a nice big cat and a large house and garden.

I got married at 34, to a guy 10 years older, and became stepmum to his 3 kids (non-resident). We then had a son of our own (I was 36), and then to our utter shock had twins (I was 39, DH was 49 when they were born). We live in a little terraced house with an unusable microscopic garden. It's fine! There are parks.

We do have a nice big cat though.

Things often work out - people muddle through, and you will too, OP. Loads of people rent and have kids. It sounds like you have plenty of cause to be optimistic - focus on the stuff that you have got in place and cut yourself a bit of emotional slack.

Tbh I wouldn't try to plan too much as life has a way of turning everything upside down. I can say from personal experience, when we started ttc nearly 3 years ago I tried to plan it (we lived in rented acc.) Now we own our own house (didn't expect to for foreseeable future) and in the process of adopting (we couldn't conceive naturally). So like I say just try and go with the flow it'll probably work itself out

Have you considered taking a live-in job for the next few years? Friends had free accommodation in central London while being part-time caretakers for small museum, and another couple did similar while husband had separate job. Should be possible to improve liv ing space while increasing savings.

We waited to try and save enough to buy a house for similar reasons (wanted to provide security, a garden etc) and eventually we figured we might never be able to afford to buy but we definitely wouldn't be able to have kids if we waited much longer (I was 37 when ds was born). It is expensive and our capacity to save is greatly reduced but now we have him, I'm so glad we didn't let the logistics stop us from starting a family. If you will be bringing a child into poverty then I think that is a different consideration but if it comes down to just buying/renting/money being a bit tight and you really want a child then love and care is all they really need.

barbarianmum he would never have done that. Id known him as friend for ten years previous to that and I knew he was a decent and kind man. I had no doubt that even if our relationship had not continued he would support me and do right by any children.

I just meant to say that on paper it was far from an ideal situation but it was worth it.

It doesnt sound like from what the OP says that her partner will just desert her either. She says he also wants a baby...

I really think if a child is wanted and loved even if the situation is not ideal then it will be fine....
Of course there are absolutely dire situations in which it is probably best not to have a child.... but that is not what the OP is describing... shes just saying things may be a bit harder than she would like.

There's nothing wrong with wanting children and being upset about the difficulty of affording it, OP. It is really hard for a lot of people, especially in London.

However, it doesn't sound as if your situation is objectively terrible, even if it's not exactly what you would choose. Is the problem that you are afraid of not being able to have children if you leave it any longer - in which case I would say get married and start TTC straightaway - or that you and DP have an absolutely desperate desire for a child now - in which case I would say the same thing - or that ideally you would like to have a child now but are young enough to give it a little more time? If the latter - say, if you're under 30 - I would suggest having a 2 year plan where you and DP save hard, really go for it career-wise, start exploring possibilities for the future outside London, get married, and then TTC in a couple of years when he has a bit of experience under his belt with more career progression on the horizon and the two of you have a bit more of a financial cushion.

It's fine to have ambitions for providing a good life for your children, but it doesn't all have to happen from the start. Just because you start off in rented accommodation doesn't mean you'll never own a house. Plenty of people start off in inner city flats with young children and then later on move out to the sticks to give them a garden when they're a bit older. It doesn't have to be done all at once.

Honestly I know it's a contentious subject on here but can you just leave London the first chance you can? You could get a house for 90k some places and if you're working for NHS there are hospitals EVERYWHERE

Also a kid doesn't need it's own room youu can live in a flat until at least school starting age, children don't need anything but love and security and food and warmth

Another vote for stay where you are for two years, save and then get out of London. NHS pay goes a lot further and you are not tied by other family. There will be many fewer applicants in some parts of the country.
eg paramedic vacancies open to those who will qualify in next six months.
new house in nice area.
You have options !

I get that you are feeling despondent about the cost of living in London and you own learning potential. We all get that and wish we could go back to the sliding doors moment that would have enabled us to have a high flying career. But maybe this is you sliding door moment and you can decide to really for it. Be it, a baby, house or relocation.

TBH people are offering real options for a revised life plan. Even "do nothing" means you can still have a baby but just wait a bit. Rather than lament the fact you can't do over your life or buck the London housing market, make a new plan. Stop with the excuses

The NHS has staff shortages across the board and across the country.
An entry level job in London now is equivalent to an entry level job in another part of the country now.
Housing: rent or look at support to buy, explore other parts of London where housing is cheaper and more suited to working families
Job: you don't need academic qualifications for a career. But if you think that is the case; you study and work (FT if that is the issue)

Anyway, if you have no intention of staying in London, why would you buy and sell within a few years? You are unlikely to get an equity hike and the stamp duty and buying and selling fees will be in the 1000's.

I have to say that it's hard to engage with the "pity me, life isn't great and your suggestions are tedious party". You have a home, paid employment, a healthy husband and lots to be look forward to. Life can be shit at times and then it gets better. Chances are it will be shit again sometime in the future. Something you won't be able to void if your husband works in the NHS.

Op, babies really don’t cost that much. You can do re-usable nappies, breastfeed, second-and clothes and toys etc. It’s when they get to school that it starts getting costly! I’ve saved enough before dd was 2 to have 12 months living costs savings just in case.

You have to remember you won’t be going out drinking/eating out/holidays etc so it does become easy to squirrel money away where you’d usually spend it. Owning a home isn’t the be all and end all, it won’t be forever that you’re renting.

will I ever be able to buy anything post-DC? when my first DC was born we owned a house worth £140k and when we sold it 2 yrs later we were in negative equity
Now despite jointly earning less our house is worth nearly £300k and we have a 50% mortgage. The truth is that you cat ever know what things will do post children so as long as you are not destitute making a decision to have children based on finances probabky is short sighted.

On the other hand your partner(unless 10 yrs plus older than you) has the luxury of time as a man and he should let you lead on this because he can wait and it will still be fine.

I also second the posters who are struggling to understand why London. I live a 45 min train commute from London and you could get a 2 bed home with garden round here for £175k (and the schools are good)

"Babies dont really cost that much"

Except for the childcare. Or the cost of your lost wages whilst you stay home and look after them.

You can’t afford to buy a house with a garden to raise kids in as low earners if you live in London. That’s not rocket science, surely?

What job does he do that means he has to live 30 mins from his job in London? Surely he can leave after a year?

If your job has shitty pay, what could you do to rectify that?

I don't get it... Has all this just hit you?

So your bloke wants babies before he’s 30. You don’t have anything to be worrying about