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Original poster

To be devastated by TTC plans and life in general?

207 replies

Ahistoryofbees · 22/09/2018 22:05

Name changed for this but penis beaker and cancel the cheque etc.

I don't really know how to start.

It's dawning on me that I can't afford to have a baby, sparked by a day of looking at over-priced shoeboxes. I live in London and have a shitty salary and my DP has only just graduated (mature student) so he hasn't been earning the last few years, it's all been on me and I haven't been able to save.

So I have a tiny amount of money saved from before, but not enough to even buy a one bed flat in our area. DP's job will be here so moving isn't an option for another 3 years at least as the nature of the job means he has to be within 30 minutes of work.

We sort of had this idea of TTC after he graduated as he doesn't want to be too old of a dad but it's looking impossible. We can't afford to buy a home, I don't know how we'd cope with nursery fees or one salary if I stayed at home, and I'm just so so devastated and angry that I never got myself a proper career and that I hadn't thought about the practical aspects of having a baby until this point and I just don't know what to do. I'm hiding in bed crying my eyes out because I can't see what I could do. We're stuck renting this stupid flat which gets mouldy every winter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 23/09/2018 11:07

That's a very helpful link, Rarotonga thank you. I'll have a look and see if we can make use of any of those.

I am feeling much calmer this morning after sleeping it off. I just felt so hopeless last night.

To the poster who said it's even more frustrating because it's almost within reach but not quite - yes, exactly!

I think some posters have misunderstood me. I'm not crying over not being able to afford a detached house in Putney, nor do I want to buy Stokke and dress my baby up in Boden. Where I live the charity shops are full of good quality baby things at a low cost so I'd most probably be buying it all there anyway. I just want the security of my own home before having a baby. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Yes CatboySpeed he has to be on call, which makes our search area pretty narrow and the whole situation even more frustrating.

OP posts:
faeriequeen · 23/09/2018 11:17

Sounds like you have some good time to plan. If you're not married, I'd prioritise that.
Then build up your deposit fund and look to buy and start TTC in five years or so?

reallybadidea · 23/09/2018 11:23

I don't understand why in a year's time he can't apply for an entry level job in another part of the country. With a year's experience he will have an advantage over newly-qualifieds.

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 23/09/2018 11:51

reallybadidea because he's been looking at job adverts and they ask for 3-5 years experience. I suppose he could try his luck but it's less likely.

OP posts:
DorasBob · 23/09/2018 11:53

But why wouldn’t he need 3-5 years experience in London, but would need it elsewhere?! London tends to be more competitive than other areas.

Doesn’t sound right to me (NHS worker)

If living in London is important to you, fine, but aren’t going to be able to have an affluent life. You’ll be one of the ‘poor people’ if you don’t have well paying jobs or family money.

reallybadidea · 23/09/2018 11:54

Entry level jobs ask for 3-5 years' experience?

mindutopia · 23/09/2018 12:03

You can have a baby without owning your own place and with very new jobs, as long as your future prospects are solid.

When we had our first, my dh was making about 18k in a graduate job and I was a PhD student. We lived frugally and I phased back into work and my PhD so I wasn’t back full time until dd was 2.5 (to save on nursery whilst I wasn’t earning much). My dh quit his job (our only source of income!) when she was only 4 months old to start a business - a joint decision we made to plan for a different sort of future. We rented a crappy damp house that we hated.

6 years later, we have a 2nd dc, my dh’s business is growing and growing (he makes about 4-5x what he did back then), I’ve finished my PhD and have a good job (on mat leave now). We still rent (different house that isn’t so shitty) but we’ve been able to save and invest and we’re hoping to buy next year, possibly even mortgage free, if not with a small mortgage on a very sizeable detached house with land. A lot can’t change in a few years and you won’t always have the pressures of a new career or costs of small children in nursery and in a few years you can move somewhere more affordable. I would focus on and plan for that rather than feeling despondent about the present because a lot can change in a few years.

mindutopia · 23/09/2018 12:04

*a lot can change, I mean to say!

Original poster
Ahistoryofbees · 23/09/2018 12:10

Entry level jobs ask for 3-5 years' experience?

No, for the next level up. Entry level jobs are filled by recent graduates, and as I said there are dozens of applications for those.

OP posts:
PrivateDoor · 23/09/2018 12:11

Your dh needs to compromise on something, he is making all the decisions here. He decided to retrain which put massive strain on your finances. He chose a career that has very limited job opportunities. He is insisting on staying in London. He is insisting on living near work. Yes he has on call, but he could stay in hospital accommodation when on call. Something has to give here! He has made all the decisions yet is dictating when he is willing to have children.

He did not have to take employment in the hospital he had placements in - you know this and he knows this. It was just the easier option for him as it is familiar. He could have applied anywhere in the UK.

I find it really hard to sympathise to be honest, this could have easily been resolved.

DorasBob · 23/09/2018 12:13

Same PrivateDoor

Seems very entitled.

If it’s physiotherapist or radiography then he’s lying to you - there are plenty of jobs all over he country. He just wants to stay where he is

Janel85 · 23/09/2018 12:17

Op if you can afford a £220k mortgage (think that’s what you said?) you could easily afford a two bedroom terrrace or even a three bedroom in Thurrock in Essex. Very short commute to London roughly 40 mins to fenchurch, or you could look at Basildon also in Essex. Check it out on rightmove, even an option for renting, the rent would be cheaper and you could the save more.

Fireworks91 · 23/09/2018 12:24

Absolutely what Privatedoor said. Are you sure he is on the same page about children? Cause he's putting all sorts of barriers up without acknowledgement at the moment...

user1492863869 · 23/09/2018 12:41

Sorry OP you do have a home. It may be rented but it is a home. It is unreasonable and unrealistic to want to be able to buy a house with a garden in one of the most expensive property markets in the world when you are just starting your careers. It is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect a newly qualified person to gain anything other than an entry level job in London and out of London. The 30 minute issue has been repeatedly addressed by people without acknowledgement along with various other solutions.

So I’m going to call unreasonable and entitled. People have offered advice and solutions, they have provided their own experiences of raising a child in a rented flat. Tbh you are being quite insulting to some of the posters and their experiences by implying it is not good enough for you. Nobody thinks you want a house in Putney or has even suggested it. You are in a typical position for a young couple. Living in London is an added complication that comes with many benefits. You life is fine but if you don’t like it, then you have options.

reallybadidea · 23/09/2018 13:33

Entry level jobs are filled by recent graduates, and as I said there are dozens of applications for those.

Which is why I suggested that applying for one of these with a year's experience might give him an advantage. Unless there's a rule that only newly qualifieds can be apply?

CatboySpeed · 23/09/2018 14:05

Are you sure he has to live within 30 minutes as like I said most people on call can stay over. My Dh did.

Of course he can get a job out of London, there may well be lots of applicants but all hospitals are desperate for staff.

What does he do?

If you’re looking at band 6 jobs then yes do you have to have experience as that’s a level up. Look at band 5 job requirements.

ohshitonit · 23/09/2018 14:22

Well you might WANT the security of your own home before you have a baby, but thats a luxury we can't all afford, especially with studying as a mature student.
I don't own my own home... But I do have a good stable career in the NHS, I have crap fertility so I made the choice to just get on with it and probably always be a bit poor.
You can't always have everything. For me a family is way more important, my kids don't go without but we probably won't own a home for 10 years, tough tits.

Cloud9Until6am · 23/09/2018 14:36

OP glad you're feeling better today. Ttc and thinking about a future with children really makes you reevaluate your life doesn't it?

When children are small you really don't need as much space as you think you will. Somewhere for the baby to sleep (i.e. A cot or space in your bed) is essential but they don't need their own room until they're older.

My advice would be to crack on with ttc and worry about moving in a few years. It sounds like your oh would have a transferable job by then so you could then look to move out of London perhaps.

As my mum said when browbeating me into giving her a grandchild there's never an ideal time to have children!

KindergartenKop · 23/09/2018 15:59

Given moving seems impossible, you need to decide what's more important; buying a place or having a baby. You are unreasonable to say that you should be able to buy a place and live in London, it's not possible for a lot of people. You'll have to compromise somewhere.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/09/2018 16:22

One of you will have to compromise. It would seem that you have compromised already by supporting his study - so he needs to put his back into finding a job away from London; it'll be hard but not impossible. Or; you need to give up on owning a home first; in exchange for having a kid now.

You're getting screwed on all fronts here though - you support him through study; you stay within 30 mins of his job, you give up on owning a house first so he can be a younger dad...

OrdinarySnowflake · 23/09/2018 21:49

Think again, while there are 'dozens' of applications for out of London graduate jobs, someone gets each of those jobs, it doesn't follow it won't be him. Has he even applied for anything outside of London, or just said "I've got this job, so we have to work round it"?

Talk to him again about it - if he needs to live within a short distance of work, he doesn't want to be an old dad, he doesn't want to move jobs within 3 -4 years of getting his 1st graduate job and he won't earn enough to pay for even a 1 bed flat in London - then why isn't he applying for jobs outside of London?

Has he thought it through?

Suggest he does.

But those saying "just have a baby" are being reckless - it might work out for the best, but if you are thinking of being a SAHM, it's much easier to save and get a good mortgage with 2 incomes and no dependents. If you end up with a happy accident, I'm sure you'll cope - but if you can take the time to both plan it out, it'll make things less stressful. It does have to be you both though.

Holidayshopping · 23/09/2018 22:38

reallybadidea because he's been looking at job adverts and they ask for 3-5 years experience.

Can’t he do a year where he is and then you move somewhere a lot cheaper and get a similar job there? THEN apply for a promotion?

What is his job-you are repeatedly avoiding the question.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/09/2018 05:00

Holidayshopping
Op has repeatedly avoided more than just this question. Hmm

MaggieAndHopey · 24/09/2018 05:15

It's true that small children don't cost that much but if the OP wants to return to work (and thus continue to save enough to buy) she and her partner will have to pay for childcare, which could be up to another £1000 a month. However, if you started TTC now it could be two years before you return to work so perhaps that would be the time for your partner to look for positions outside London.

TiaMariaAndCoke · 24/09/2018 05:59

There's something "wonky" about what you're saying about his job.

Are you seriously saying there are 60 applicants for every NHS position requiring a degree? I thought the NHS was crying out for staff. This doesn't make sense at all unless he's specialising in tropical medicine or something.

Fwiw I live in a very naice part of Scotland with an easy commute to 3 big cities. For 250k you'd get a 5-bed detached with views to die for. We have the NHS here too. 'course you'd lose that 5k London weighting...

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