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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the way I do about a colleague

209 replies

Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:09

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

OP posts:
SpringSnow · 05/09/2018 19:24

So basically you're pissed off that you didn't get you're own way so you're deliberately finding fault?

CSIblonde · 05/09/2018 19:31

Why is she crying? If you do the interviewing how did he over rule you? He saw her CV? It never ends well when one person forces their choice on someone else. Let her dig her own grave if she's that unpleasant, but don't give her any amunition.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:32

No not at all. I’m not the only person struggling with her behaviour.

OP posts:
Usernom1234567890 · 05/09/2018 19:32

YANBU that sounds really difficult.

But I don't understand why you were overruled in the first place by your DP?

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:34

She doesn’t cry around me only the men in the business which I find a bit manipulative. She started doing big sobs the other day because I told her I couldn’t forward something as I was in the middle of something and to wait

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 05/09/2018 19:35

You need to be way more assertive. She isn't a colleague, you're one of the hiring managers, presumably it's your DPs business, or your joint business together.

She has no business trying to start personal conversations with your DP about 'whether you're ok'. It's not professional and one of you needs to tell her that. She also needs to be told about her other dominating behaviours, again, not professional. You shouldn't be keeping quiet so she doesn't interrupt - that's what she wants. Challenge her, politely, but firmly.

And your DP needs to start listening to you.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:37

He felt the other interviewees were too young and someone slightly older would be more reliable. I did say I have a gut feeling about her and think it’s wrong decision but I’ll go with what you think. She was ok initially and put it down to settling in etc but unfortunately she hasn’t improved at all

OP posts:
Oldaintallthat · 05/09/2018 19:39

What AskMeHow said.
As long as thats the scenario its spot on advice.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:40

@AskMeHow thankyou I just feel like I must be going nuts as he keeps telling me he agrees she’s irritating but she does the job (which she does to a certain degree)

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 05/09/2018 19:41

Are you this persons boss? Or her equal in the business?

Attitude aside, how is her work? Is she any good? Does she achieve what she needs to achieve? Is she punctual? Any issues with customers etc?

If it's just attitude, and it's with you, her manager (I assume), then you need to manage her.

She leans over you? Ask her to step back. You can always stand up as you do it if she's crowding you sat down, or step back from her as you say it. Every time.

She speaks over you? Hand up, say "I'm speaking" and keep talking. Every time.
She's crying? Why? Is it appropriate? If not, suggest she goes outside and pulls herself together for a few minutes, gently, every time. If it's taking the piss, you're going to have to bring it up officially as a capability issue.

She's listening into conversations? Catch her at it and call her out on it - "are you listening to my private conversation / a confidential management conversation again? Why? Please go back to work and stop doing that". Every time. If it's an issue it's a capability one and needs to be broached officially as well.

You need to be consistent. Not silent. Step up. Manage her. She's managing you.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:42

@Oldaintallthat it is exactly the scenario. My DP is not supportive of me at all in this. Other employees have commented on her behaviour. It is if she can do no wrong. He comments when any other staff are on their mobiles in work time, she blatantly was on hers many times today but he “didn’t notice”

OP posts:
Freshstart19 · 05/09/2018 19:44

Sounds like your DP needs to listen to you more.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:47

Thank you @SilverHairedCat I am just watching what I say as DP does say manage her as I’m senior to her then criticise me when we are home saying you were too stern etc. I did bring up in an appraisal about listening to private conversations which she naturally denied.

She’s doing the job, punctual etc but will play on her phone and has taken a lot of sick.

Crying is completely inappropriate and we are not always sure what the reason is.

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 05/09/2018 19:49

Exactly what SilverHairedCat said.
She's in now and if your DP won't let her go (assuming she's a fairly recent hire) you need to manage inappropriate behaviour robustly and consistently.

And keep notes on every incident. Nothing like a paper trail.

confusedandemployed · 05/09/2018 19:49

Do you manage her absence? Back to work interviews?

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:51

@Freshstart19 I tried to say that to him tonight he leapt down my throat again. I casually mentioned that I was a little irritated by something she said today and why had he not said anything? I had been working through something really important to the business and had discussed it out loud with DP who was agreeing with me. X made a comment to him about how DP had missed his calling and should be a solicitor when it was in fact me sitting explaining the law to him. I might just be paranoid or over sensitive but she kissed his arse while dismissing me at the same time

OP posts:
BackinTimeforTea · 05/09/2018 19:51

Yes I don’t see what you can do unless you DH gets onside, he’s not listening to you. Could you consider getting yourself another job? Drastic, but you are not being taken seriously in your job, you could issue some sort of ultimatum, or wait until others come forward...

SilverHairedCat · 05/09/2018 19:51

Hope old is she?

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:55

@confusedandemployed last time she was off 8 days with asthma. She came tearing in crying as if someone had died and said she neeeded to go to hospital NOW as her doctor had just called. I drove her, in the car she seemed to make a miraculous recovery and was smiling as she went into hospital. I offered to stay, driven her home etc and she refused. She then said she had discharged herself as she didn’t want to wait til late at night to see a specialist it was all very odd

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:56

She is late 20s and yes I have mentioned leaving the business and working elsewhere

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 05/09/2018 19:58

Hmm, have you got a sickness policy? Do you do return to work interviews? Do you have a trigger point for putting people onto action plans etc? I'm being put through the process myself at the moment so I'm no advocate of it 😁 but it's there for the piss-takers, rather then people who need actual support with ill health.

BackinTimeforTea · 05/09/2018 19:58

I’d give it serious consideration - you’re stuck in a grudge match with someone unprofessional and not being backed up by your boss.

BackinTimeforTea · 05/09/2018 20:00

Isn’t the problem that when you try to manage her, your dp ‘boss’ doesn’t back you up? I would leave - it’s causing relationship issues, he’s happy with her, if you work elsewhere then you could have this friction removed.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:05

@BackinTimeforTea other employees have mentioned her behaviour including when myself and DP have not been in the office being very rude to suppliers and other staff. DP is very stubborn and does t like to admit he’s wrong (although does occasionally). I just feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. I am easy going and it’s very rare I can’t find away to get along with someone. In my previous career I came across some pretty difficult characters but still found a way to get on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:08

@SilverHairedCat I wanted to do a back to work interview and was blocked. This was despite her literally upping and leaving (fair enough but could have called and updated us on where things were left) we were discovering ordered we didn’t know we had as she had not passed them over, half done quotes etc

OP posts: