To feel the way I do about a colleague

[Tara336]

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

What an interesting thread.

I would do an interim “line management” meeting with all the others, individually, and ask them how they feel the mood is in the office. Don’t specifically ask about Madam, just listen. If you feel this annoyed, and others have commented about her being rude to customers then 1000% they will raise their concerns. Get them to be specific and just note down the issues without agreeing. Establish to what extent Madam disrupts their working and make a note.

Use these notes as evidence when you do the appraisal. Painstakingly go through each bit. Your DP needs to be there when this happens.
Up till now it’s only really probably been obvious to him that YOU are affected and annoyed. It needs to be a systemic problem that is disruptive to a lot of people.

I assume you’re the office manager and she is his PA? Are you her line manager or is he?

I can't see that OP did wrong in working at home to get peace and quiet. I used to work in a busy and loud social work office. If any of us had complicated reports to write we would work at home on our laptops. It isn't an unusual thing to do.

I think it sounds like she is not going to change if she has been there for almost a year now and she is still on probation. I would show her the door.

Book her in for a supervision. Then give her performance and positive behaviour targets. Positive points noted and achievements. Arrange a date to meet and review. Another supervision. Raise issues that arise and expectations. Be professional. Log everything so that there is a paper trail.

Apollo it isn't that working from home is wrong. It's the way the situation may come across to the other staff there.

When the OP initially mentioned wfh she only mentioned the noise "Madam" was making, nothing else. So "Madam" is making a noise and rather than manage her and get her to shut up, the OP gets up and leaves. From the point of view of another staff member, who might not have the option to leave, does that not seem problematic to you? Phones going off, customers coming in etc., which the OP mentioned in subsequent posts, are rather different. They're part and parcel of an office.

I've worked in small offices where people were related to each other or in relationships with each other. It's not easy to negotiate. But essentially the boss's partner gets to up and leave, and everyone else has to deal with the noise created by a staff member who should be managed.

Sure, it's noisy, she has important stuff to do, so it's logical to go home. But if much of the source of the noise is one person who should be told to shut the fuck up - that's going to cause a problem.

Try looking at it another way.
You employed her to.make your partner's life easier. And she does
You have private conversations in her hearing and then complain that she is listening.
She is clearly unhappy enough in her job to cry at work but you haven't taken the time to find out why. Could she be crying because she senses that you are hostile to her?
I think you need to put your feelings for this woman aside and be professional. You don't have to like her.

That sounds like a horrible situation OP, and your husband does need to support you sorting it as although I can see why you need her there, it will soon lead to resentment in the rest of the office or other people starting to take the piss when they realise she is getting away with it

I don't think there is any evidence she is after your husband, she is more likely just suckling up to himas hoping if she's a favourite it will hide from.her sub standard work

I think the behaviour stuff while irritating you will have to let go for now - it's very hard to prove someone talks over you and snatching something out of your husbands hand to pass to you etc she will just be able to find an excuse for or say you've misinterpreted

I think the crying is also so she can accuse you of bullying and being mean and to detect from the issues you raise. A tactic that's clearly working on your husband!

You probably do this already but I'd be trying to get her through work related behaviour as it's harder to dispute. Record everything and back up in writing. For example on 1st September I asked you to stop using your personal phone in business hours. I reminded you on 3rd September. Here are the emails. I've seen you on your phone 3 times this week. Please explain. This is an informal warning and if it happens again will be a written warning. I'd try and record meetings if it's allowed or have another manager or employee in with you if not as I think she may use the bullying card

This is a nightmare scenario but can I give you it from another perspective. I worked in a family business years ago. No HR procedures etc. There was 1 employee that completely took the piss all the time. Constantly on the their phone. Management had no idea how to deal with it so every so often they would flip & we would all be banned from using phones, breaks made at set times, no food in certain areas. The rest of us were hardworking & never used our phones except in emergencies or abused our break times etc. We felt belittled that we all had to suffer because of 1 person. 2 of us ended up leaving & the business failed. Management to be fair were completely useless in this company so I'm not saying that will happen to you but you need to ensure other staff don't suffer because of her.

@hazel42 she doesn’t cry because of me, she has admitted she’s a crier in life in general and told me that on one occasion she started crying in the middle of a shop for no reason. We don’t have private conversations within her hearing we go outside into the car park, she then loiters in the kitchen area and listens in, I have caught her doing it on more than one occasion. @AmiRightOrAMeringue thank you, I agree she is not after DP but more of a suck up type person. We are an open plan office and she would really struggle to claim she’s being bullied and it does worry me the affect she has on other staff I’m trying to manage the situation and keeping a record. I think DP is controlled by the threat of tears and is wary of saying anything when she behaves unprofessionallly.

I’ll bet if there are no men in the office, she has dry eyes all day, OP. The crying is a manipulation technique she has learned. I can’t stand people like this. Have you had a “meeting” with your partner about how you intend to go forward with this yet?