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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the way I do about a colleague

209 replies

Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:09

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 05/09/2018 20:10

Hmm, with respect, it sounds as though some formal layers need to be added to the business. Clearly you want to put them in and he doesn't. He's leaving the business open to abuse. And it sounds like she's figures that out....

BackinTimeforTea · 05/09/2018 20:11

I agree with silver, he’s not running it professionally.

89Bus · 05/09/2018 20:13

I don't think this should be a matter of opinion between you and your DP. Either her behaviour is unprofessional or it's acceptable. If you believe with your rational business brain that this is unacceptable then there should be clear steps in place.

Do you have a staff handbook or policy that new staff agree to? As with children I think the only way you can manage this is by being boundaried and that means you need to be clear about what those boundaries are. E.g. if she is crying at work, then can you address this and advise that a) she manages her wellbeing professionally, b) the company provides support for nay specific needs c) if both of these are being done she has no reason to bring personal outbursts into the professional environment.

If she talks over you, can you in an appraisal / 1-1 situation (with you DP present) name this as an area for development for her?

Basically if you name all this stuff in a way that can be recorded (appraisals / CPD meetings etc, and ensure your DP present so she can't cry unfairness) then next time she messes up you can pull her up on it again and this time it becomes formalised.

This sort of behaviour is entirely unprofessional and the sooner you start keeping a record of it the better for your sake.

SendintheArdwolves · 05/09/2018 20:14

It is crazy that you should be forced out of your job because of a junior member of staff. It's not just you she is bothering - it seems that she is having a deleterious effect on everyone's working environment. She needs to go - and as soon as possible, so she doesn't start accruing holiday/redundancy rights.

The only thing you need to decide is how you are going to achieve this. I think your main issue is your husband's stubbornness - he doesn't want to admit that you were right, and he doesn't want the hassle of finding someone new for the role. He isn't going to be persuaded by you relaying her petty acts of undermining/brown-nosing - he will need it to have consequences that rebound on him.

You know him best - how would you go about making him think that letting her go was not just a good idea, but HIS idea?

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:15

@SilverHairedCat I came from a very professional environment he persuaded me to work for him to push the business on and I have put as much as possible in place. But I completely agree she’s is causing issues between us and taking advantage at work. DP I feel is letting her run riot as previously he was extremely overwhelmed with work, she has been trained up and he doesn’t want to have to start again with someone new. He has admitted she irritates him as well, yet does not support me in trying to resolve anything. Mainly as she turns on the tears if anyone dares query anything

OP posts:
staffiegirl · 05/09/2018 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maelstrop · 05/09/2018 20:21

I think you need to be very clear with him and tell him what you’ve said here. She’s causing problems and she’s taking advantage of being his clear favourite. I think if you don’t tackle this right now, without letting him take the piss, you’re going to be sorry.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:25

@SendintheArdwolves I do agree I shouldn’t want to leave the business which I have helped him build on since I started. You are right it’s best to let him think it’s his idea to let her go. To be fair the brown nosing comment was the first time i have ever said hang on why did you let her do that? Despite other employees saying they have issues with her DP has constantly told me she’s “harmless” and says things without thinking ie on more than one occasion when I have taken my little dog into the office she has said my dog is afraid of me, has commented on our daughters and that I spoil them etc. She really has no boundaries and when I pull her up on that we have the tears and then DP in the evening saying your mean to her!

OP posts:
BackinTimeforTea · 05/09/2018 20:25

Yes - are sickness procedures applied generally or has it never come up with another employee?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/09/2018 20:32

Point out to your DH that if she is seen to be treated favourably or allowed to get away with things then you will have problems with other employees. If she is flouting the phone rule with impunity then you are unable to enforce it against anyone.

HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 20:32

Blimey, this is terrible! What on earth's he playing at?

Is this a business that you and he have built up and own?

If you are having to change your personality due to relatively new member of staff, the answer is obvious: time to let her go.

Do you think she is making a play for him? Do you think he's flattered by her?

Gabilan · 05/09/2018 20:32

It sounds like you have a DP problem rather than just a colleague problem. You can only deal with her if you have his backing and at the moment he's undermining you. So either he backs you up in managing her, or you leave.

Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 20:33

Goodness. It sounds like she's got your DP wrapped around her little finger with you being increasingly relegated. I'd be very pissed off in your position as I think your role as hirer is kind of nominal only - she's not viewing you as a senior business partner. Only your partner can back you up on this. As for the crying, this is the oldest trick in the book....I'm amazed experienced business blokes fall for this kind of rubbish.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:34

@staffiegirl no definitely doesn’t have a thing for her, I would not be mean but she would not be a Miss World candidate. She does seem quite a bitter person and has made nasty comments about previous employer who had designer bags etc and how wasteful it was whilst eyeing mine. I did point out I have personally worked bloody hard to have nice things and that they were not handed to me on a plate and were not funded by DP

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 20:36

Just thinking, OP, are you protected legally re the business?

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:36

@BackinTimeforTea we have never had to apply sickness rules before this is a first. He did say if she does it again I can do back to work interview etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:39

@Tinkobell that is exactly how I feel tbh. I work part time in the business due to ill health, I appreciate this also adds to the problem as she’s there full time. However, DP does listen to me on all aspects and lets me guide him as I have experience in areas he doesn’t. Only Rea that’s no go is the little madam

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 05/09/2018 20:40

Write down every incident, and especially if there were any consequences for her actions, or non-actions (you mentioned half done orders and quotes).

In particular, anything that has cost the business.

Your DH needs to realise that so long as he's letting her get away with this unprofessional behaviour, he's putting the business at risk.

EG her sick leave - what has it cost in working days, what the industry average is, and what would be a standard sickness policy in a comparable business.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:40

@HollowTalk sorry in what way?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 20:42

You are clearly adding a lot of value to the business. You're not married. Are you a shareholder in the business? I'm worried about you1

HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 20:42

About you! I mean.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:43

See this is the thing with the sickness, I drove her to casualty and she was laughing and joking in the car, smiling as she went in, discharged herself... and I did say when I got back to the office she seemed fine to me and that in fact I found her behaviour odd! But Asthma has to be treated seriously as we actually tragically lost a family friend two years ago to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:44

@HollowTalk yes the business has grown substantially since I started working from r him. I’m not protected at all as far as that goes, we do plan to marry and make wills very soon

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 20:46

Have you contacted the last employer and asked why she suddenly left? Shouldn't you have done that as part of your ref checks?
If you want rid, the thing to avoid at all costs is the appearing to be a personality clash between you and her....otherwise she could claim an unfair dismissal.
If you weren't around by chance, would she be doing everybody else's head in too?

HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 20:48

He isn't doing what's best for the business here. It would be much better if you had a formal standing in the business - I'd be too frustrated working with him with that attitude towards her.