Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the way I do about a colleague

209 replies

Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:09

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:48

What’s comforting is that it seems from your replies I’m not being at all unreasonable which is a relief as it’s one of those things that deep down despite knowing I’m not imagining the little comments and bad behaviour it’s very hard to keep being dismissed by DP who’s favourite phrase is but you’ve managed lots of people why is she so difficult for you? Well mainly because you DP don’t support me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 20:50

Thank you all so much ladies!

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 05/09/2018 20:51

@Tara336 your role does sound very tough indeed, especially part time, as you say, in terms of her running a bit rough shod.

She does sound a risk to the business though. Definitely start recording the substantive concerns that are being raised and their effects. How hard is it to train up a replacement? Could anyone else in the office be put into her role and their role backfilled?

Gabilan · 05/09/2018 20:52

no definitely doesn’t have a thing for her, I would not be mean but she would not be a Miss World candidate.

That doesn't mean anything really. He is being very protective of her for some reason and from what you've said, it goes beyond him just being annoyed at himself for recruiting her.

Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 20:53

Hollowtalk is dead right about the reaction to this awkward employee having exposed and opened up just how vulnerable your legal position is within a business that you've built up. That's really the problem here....not the employee....she's piffle in the grand scheme of matters. But what her presence has blown open is that your position is nominal, she's picked that up and is running circles around your DP. TBH it could be anyone's else. You need to sure up your position within this business on a legal and contractual footing asap.

BackinTimeforTea · 05/09/2018 20:57

Yes, agree with what others are saying - she’s a weakness. I do think family businesses are so hard because people can behave less professionally without fear of repercussion - your dp would be more likely to listen to someone independent who was managing her or an hr manager.

I’m not sure the solution but we can understand why you’re bothered. A lot of soft tactics are harder to detect - subtle undermining and taking over can happen in all workplaces but everyone tries to distance themselves from staff like that.

ilovesooty · 05/09/2018 20:59

She's undermining your position and your partner isn't handling this professionally.

What reasons have been given for the absences? Asthma is a disability covered by the Equality Act so your sickness procedures need firming up I think.

ApproachingATunnel · 05/09/2018 20:59

Thread carefully because this person might drive a big wedge between you and DP. And when he’s really upset with you i bet she will be there to listen and ‘support’ him.
She is a shit stirrer.

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 21:02

@Gabilan he was on the point of a breakdown his workload was so heavy. He just does not want to be in the position where he has to train someone’s up again, although it’s not impossible it’s time consuming. we are actually now at the point where we need to recruit again so as you can imagine the thought of madam leaving at this cruicial time is not something he wants to contemplate. It really is nothing more than that. He is also very aware that I even get a hint of anything inappropriate with her or anyone else I will leave. I have kept my own property and could walk away whenever I want.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 05/09/2018 21:09

I’m not protected at all as far as that goes, we do plan to marry and make wills very soon

You need to get protection asap. The way your DP is acting, you cannot rely on his goodwill. I'm not saying his head is being turned, but right now he's listening far more to this woman than he is to you. And until you can convinve him to take his rose tinted glasses off about her, you are going to struggle. Especially if she starts twisting things.

Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

This will not be the first time she'll have made a comment about you to DP. And it's actually undermining you. I can't say if this is heading to an affair, but she's busy sucking up to your DP, who is the business owner after all, along with clearly being jealous that you have nice things that she's thinking are being funded by your DP/ She's jealous of you, and you need to find a way to manage her out of the business.

When you say she was clearly bitter about her previous employer having designer bags, that suggests the previous employer was a woman, Was there a DH or DP around there too, do you know?

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 21:10

@Tinkobell I will firm my position for definite, it’s something we have both said we need to do anyway as it’s not just the business we both own properties etc. We do love each other and the ONLY issue is this employee. I will give him credit he never criticises me in front of her he waits until we get home. @BackinTimeforTea everything is very subtle and very devious. @ApproachingATunnel she is a shit stirrer she will think of nothing of loudly proclaiming that other employees may have made an error.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 21:10

@Tara336. It's the fucking double standard in this story that really pisses me off. Sorry for the expletive, but it does. Because we're women, there's this kind of social expectation that we're all expected to be nice to each other and like each other etc etc. A bloke would not put up with someone who listened in or talked over him for more than a week, I promise you!
This is what I'd do. Roll your sleeves up and prepare to get rid. Dig up those references and find out why she left so suddenly if you can. Chuck her out and line up an brilliant replacement. Then once rid, get your ducks in a row legally - fight for what you've put in girl! Don't walk away for gods sake. Act the boss. You've got a brilliant opportunity to shape a business as you want it. Most people dream of that!

SusieOwl4 · 05/09/2018 21:11

I totally feel for you . We had a similar employee . She was a drama queen fantasist and we are pretty sure she made up a pregnancy and miscarriage because she was jealous of another member of staff . She listened to conversations , constantly had dramas and tears but also was weirdly scary . In the end she had to go . And this is no lie . She was in floods of tears as she left and hugged us all. Then later that day was seen laughing and grinning . When she left I knew she had a boyfriend who was a nasty bit of work and I said to a colleague “ if something happens to me it will be down to her” a month later I was burgled and she posted a smiley face on her Facebook page .

KarmaStar · 05/09/2018 21:11

She's playing games here ok and you really,really need to act on the advice of pp.
What is her end game?is she after your job/dp/home?
Don't leave your job because of her,you'll be leaving the door wide open.
Jump on her firmly for every misconduct.be vocal,firm and let her know you're on to her and won't be intimidated.
Did you personally check her references?
If your dp has a go at you for refinancing her remind him managing her is your job and to let you do it.
If she starts sobbing for no reason ignore her or ask her directly what the problem is and why has she not addressed it in a professional manner.
Don't let her get away with anything.at all.Hopefully she will get fed up and leave.
And say to staff no mobiles in in office time.
Good luckFlowers

KarmaStar · 05/09/2018 21:12

Reprimanding not refinancing

Juells · 05/09/2018 21:13

I am easy going and it’s very rare I can’t find away to get along with someone.

Me too, but lately when people (usually sales people) talk over me I plough on and just talk louder until they give up. If they don't give up I ask them why they're not allowing me to finish what I'm saying. I get very aggressive about it, after years of politely letting them do it. Angry It's quite empowering.

I wouldn't put up with her shit. Put her back in her box every time.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/09/2018 21:16

She is after something

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 21:19

@MulticolourMophead she was a live in nanny. She still looks after the children some evenings for the family. However, suddenly she was asked to leave and find alternative accommodation. No clear reason why, couldn’t get that information from her she just clammed up. I will be honest I would love to know what happened. She made comments about the woman’s designer bags, car etc. It’s a little joke between DP and myself about my shopping habit (really not as bad as it sounds) I have parcels delivered to the office as it’s just easier. He teases me and says now what have you bought? The madam now makes a comment every single bloody time something comes for me even if it’s poo bags for the dog!

OP posts:
CitrusFruit9 · 05/09/2018 21:20

You need to start documenting her behaviour including the comments of other employees so that you build up a dossier. She needs a written warning in my view but your DP is not going to stand for this at present so you need the evidence. If she does not improve I would have thought you need to be managing her out. Definitely make the point that she should not get special treatment. How much sick leave has she had?

I'd also think hard about whether the next new hire you bring in can be quietly trained to be her successor so that she can be replaced at some point.

How long has she worked for your firm? Does she have a probationary period?

Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 21:23

Discretion, maturity and trustworthiness for employees that work closely with a boss are vital qualities that the woman doesn't have. Your DP is taking a big risk with someone like that. If you keep her, at some point she will probably slip up and it could cost your business dearly. Is she the customer front face of your growing business? Again, sounds risky to me.

Juells · 05/09/2018 21:23

The remarks about your bag etc. are very annoying. None of her business what you spend your money on, and you don't have to justify it. Would a man take it if she made sarky remarks if he bought a new watch or new golf clubs?

Original poster
Tara336 · 05/09/2018 21:24

@Tinkobell thankyou 😊. I now know I’m not nuts or paranoid as some of you ladies have voiced what I’ve been thinking. I was taking tomorrow morning off I shall pop in and let the games begin. I feel much more confident with all your support. Thankyou x

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 21:26

So she is around your own age? I think it sounds as though there's a lot of jealousy there on her part. The fact you don't think she's attractive doesn't mean she doesn't think she's in with a chance with your partner.

Shambu · 05/09/2018 21:28

At this point, in his circumstance, I think procedure or lack of it is rather beside the point. She isn't just affecting your business, she is impacting your relationship. It's time for you to put your foot down and give DP an ultimatum - either she goes or you go.

I understand the stress of training someone else, but if he'd listened to you he wouldn't be in this mess.

Can you give any time to help train her replacement?

sonjadog · 05/09/2018 21:30

I think that you are currently in a very unstable position. You aren't married and the wills are not made. So you are currently working hard for a business that you have no rights in at all. I think I´d get tough on this one. What is your role in this firm and make it legal immediately. Do you have a say in the staff? In which case, she is making you uncomfortable and she has to go. If it turns out that the only decision maker in this firm is him and he refuses to get rid of her, then I think I´d take myself off and find a job elsewhere if I were you.