To feel the way I do about a colleague

[Tara336]

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

she is very slow and doesn’t prioritise her work so causes delays. I am not going to spoil my weekend with DP but will tell him she’s due another appraisal and I think we should extend her probation again.

To what end? If she's slow and causing delays, what good will extending her probation do? Do you see her getting better? She hasn't responded to other feedback. If she's still on probation, just get rid of her. Surely that's what it's for? Take on someone who's a quick learner and before Christmas this could all be a bad memory.

What good will extending her probation do? She's not going to change.

It's good that your dh has started to notice that she is not taking your messages properly as that is something that impacts the business - and that it's something that he has noticed rather than being told by you, plus something definite, and something that she obviously should have done if she had an ounce of good sense...

Whereas snatching the papers that your dh was passing to you so she could pass them on - odd behaviour and not anything you would want to continue but probably no real effect on the business (assuming she didn't see confidential details to tell to others that shouldn't know them) and something that she could say she was just being over keen to be helpful and wiggle her way out of.

Have you made a list of all the issues that you and others have with her - particularly the ones that impact on the business?

Maybe your next move should be to go through the list with her and use it as a last warning (or at least to initiate procedures in order to get rid of her - I don't know the legalities of this) or even to say that she has failed her probation period and will be let go at the end of the month (although given the high possibility of sabotage - would be tempted to take the hit and pay for her to have a month's gardening leave or whatever notice she has as part of her probation). Are you sure that her probation was extended and she hasn't actually 'passed' it by slipping through the net with times? You don't want to get caught out if there's a chance that could happen if you're ill or busy and don't notice dates!

Can you show your DP this thread? Just so he can see that it isn't just you that sees how dangerous she could be for the business and that he needs to open his eyes and start acting with authority instead of letting her walk all over him and treat you like shit. Your gut feeling when hiring her has clearly proven correct. I also struggle to see how a nanny could have skills transferable to an office. How in the heck was she even hired? The coffee thing would strike her out before she even opened her mouth with me. But surely other applicants had actual OFFICE experience and skills? She clearly has none, so how did she even get to interview stage, let alone shortlist let alone hired? That is what makes no sense. She clearly has no office experience or skills whatsoever. Don't employers usually hire people who have experience, instead of hiring someone who has none at all? Seems to me he is completely clueless about running a business and without you, his business wouldn't survive a week. In fact, neither Madam or your partner seem to have any idea how to behave in an office or what his job even is.

SHe had previous office experience but had changed career to become a nanny, realised there were no prospects and wanted to do office work again. I have actually had words with her this morning as she told one of the other staff she was too busy to greet a customer so would they go? I then watched her using her mobile and asked was she waiting for her computer to catch up? As I can see she’s using her phone? Her exact reply was “I’m just texting my friend” in all fairness I was actually speechless! Had a word with DP and he did actually agree she’s taking the piss.

If I show DP the thread he will just get the hump he hates being wrong and I think he realises he really should have listened to me. I agree with previous posters she has got to me but I decided to go in today and start pullling her up on everything now whereas before I’d look to DP to do it as I feel he should as although I’m a manager in the business I’m part time and I feel there’s no point in me saying no mobiles if the minute I leave they are all whipped out and he doesn’t say a word.

@Tara336 - How are things today? Do you do any end of year appraisals for existing staff? If not, could you perhaps introduce them as a way to give constructive advice to staff, all staff, not singling anyone out but if necessary, find it as a way to combine a probation meeting and annual feedback at the same time?
That way, she can see that everyone is getting a 'chat' and she wont feel singled out and you can deal with her 'performance' in that meeting. I'd make it very clear that if she doesn't pull her socks up she is going to be let go as there are many instances where her conduct wasn't in line with what would be expected in the business.
These meetings should be held by you and your DP together. Schedule them for 30 minutes each (probably wont take that long) but have it as a two way conversation.
Good luck!

@WhatchaMaCalllit I am going to do an end of year appraisal as I think this is a direction we need to go in anyway. DP was supportive of me when I caught Madam on her mobile and I have spoken to her again about it this morning. I think DP needs to amend how he manages things as while we want a happy friendly environment which I agree with however I think there needs to be boundaries in place as the lines between managing staff and being friendly are too blurred. I feel Madam takes advantage of this. I have actually come home to work today as there’s something I desperately need to get on with and just couldn’t concentrate as Madam just would not stfu today. Tonight I’ll have a chat with him about it as this is not really how I want to do things or should have to work but it’s a tender I’m working on and one mistake could lose us it

Er, you’re the manager but you don’t manage her. Instead you leave your office in order to do some work. Stop deferring to your DP and do your job on your hours. Manage the staff. If he chooses a different management style when you’re not there... well that’s like every other company out there. Not all management manages the same way.

@TacoFriday if I had stayed today I would have completely lost it with her which isn’t constructive at all, sometimes it’s best to walk away and deal with things calmly another day. I don’t expect us to have the same management style, but when he’s moaning that staff are taking the piss then he has to look at why!

Watching this post with interest.

Dd works in a small environment where she was highly thought of and respected.
Then an older person joined the team and now her life is hell.
She does exactly what you describe this person doing and has all the other staff eating out of palm if her hand .

Very frustrating.

You've had great advice about needing to be more assertive. I'm not surprised the whole situation (her behaviour and DP's response to your concerns) has got to you. I would ignore DP and start pulling her up on everything. Every single thing. Every time. As long as you are enforcing your own policies and sticking within the law keep going.

Extending her probation is a good idea, get her on a specific action plan, with review dates set. If she cannot meet those targets she is not capable for the role. You are on solid ground to fire her and could evidence giving her extra time, a supportive line management prices and clear direction on what needs improving. If you do not have a staff capability policy or a disciplinary policy I'd suggest implementing one before the company gets bigger.

“he’s moaning that staff are taking the piss then he has to look at why!”

As are you on this thread, yet you’re still not doing much about it

Oh and did the rest of your staff have the option to also leave so they could work more productively? Or were they stuck listening to her while trying to work, because their manager did fuck all and left to get some quiet space?

@TacoFriday maybe take the trouble to read the whole thread before deciding I’ve done nothing to sort it. And yes I have taken some time out to work at home as I figure that completing the last bits of a tender that can bring us 1 million pounds worth of business justifies it tbh. Maybe go troll someone else now huh?

@Maverick66 one person can completely disrupt a small team I’ve seen it before which was why I didn’t recommend we take Madam on all my alarm bells were ringing and unfortunately I was right. We did discuss why he thought she was better candidate and why I didn’t before we offered her the job and we did extend her probation and will be doing so again if there’s no improvement then she will be shown the door. I feel for your daughter as it’s awful to have someone like that around.

She sounds so cheap and nasty, OP... I’d be grinding my teeth about her too. I hope she starts complaining about you victimizing her to your partner and he grows a spine quick smart!!! (She doesn’t sound smart enough to do this in a way that’s going to work out well for her, OP!!!)

God, OP, she sounds dangerous. Of she has that much disregard for her employer and seniors in the workplace then god knows what she will or won't do.

I think extending probation would be a good idea, buys you more time to get things in place to then get rid of her quickly if that is what it comes to.

@justilou1 She’s absolutely delightful 😂

I don't read Taco as trolling and think he/she has a point. If I were another member in the team and saw a manager leaving to get some peace and quiet, leaving me to deal with the noisy staff member, I'd be getting my CV in shape. I appreciate why it met your immediate need OP but I would not be happy in that situation. It says to other staff members "you can put up with her being noisy, I'm off out of it".

It's the kind of situation which might leave other staff members to deal with things themselves by telling the disruptive one to shut the fuck up in no uncertain terms. They then risk seeming to be in the wrong themselves, because the situation wasn't managed.

Thank you Tara.
It's a nightmare because the other person is older and like you, Dd seems to be the one on the receiving end of her 'subtle' nastiness and manipulation.

Good luck with your dilemma.

@Gabilan I didn’t stand in the office and announce I’m going home to work because Madam won’t stfu! Other staff are aware of the need to get the tender in and that the phones ringing, people coming in and out constant disturbance is not helpful.

@Maverick66 I came across someone like this years ago when I was considerably younger. As I’ve said previously I’m laid back but I work people out very quickly. I handled it by very politely but firmly saying no to her when she made unreasonable demands ie phoning me and demanding I go searching high and low for someone she couldn’t find and who was not responding to the tannoy. I just said no I’m sorry I’m busy you need to go and find him yourself. A couple responses like that to similar requests and she realised I may be young but not daft.

For clarity she worked in a different department and was not senior to me and our paths didn’t cross within the business she just had form for trying it on with new younger members of staff.

Thank you Tara

I’d be tempted to put laxative drops her her coffee cup, but I might be a little bit vindictive like that.... she sounds HORRIBLE!!!!
I have worked with termites too. They are insidious.