To feel the way I do about a colleague

[Tara336]

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

She started doing big sobs the other day because I told her I couldn’t forward something as I was in the middle of something and to wait WTAF? She’s mental this is not professional

You have a DP problem. It sounds like it comes from exhaustion/reluctance to return to the previous status quo on his end.
Simultaneously you are a team and he needs to start listening to you.

My advice: firm up your position and be prepared to walk away from the business (as a minimum).

The sick leave and mega drama issues most likely won’t ease off.
My recommendation: Extend the probation from 3 to 6 or 6 to 9 if at all possible and start recruiting now. Aim to over-recruit (ie hire her replacement have them all working before transitioning her out) then let her go.

Not sure if this applies to all companies in uk or depends on how big your company. But I’m at a big company we aim to transition of bad/problem employees before 2 years after that it can become very tricky from a legal perspective also PIPs are mega time consuming

Good luck

How long do you think it will be until you start losing staff because of her?
She is acting like a spoiled child and is engraciating herself with your dp knowing her back is covered. Tell your dp that from this point on, all staff will be treated exactly the same. Rtw interviews et al. If he wants you to manage, you will manage and manage equally. He has simple needs He wants the grunt work done which is what she is doing but is blind to her destructive influence and manipulation. Make sure that you remain polite and professional and do what you would to a small child who was misbehaving. Tell her every time.

The art of the "look" accompanied by the pause in speech is also effective. She interrupts, you give her an extended look until she finishes and then take a breath and carry on as if she has never spoken....As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted...small smile. Listening in? Stop talking, look across until she looks away or say, have you finished xxx? If she repeats anything, just ask her where she heard it as you were sure you were having a private conversation with x. Speaking about your kids is a classic, she thinks she has an "in". Just do the look then ask someone else a question without even acknowledging she has spoken. She will cry, she will moan at dp but stick with it.

I would also document a meeting with her where you detail her behaviour and what you want changed and send her a copy.

Her denials should be headed off with a polite, I am talking and as your manager, I am asking for changes to your conduct and an improvement to your sickness absence. If you have any reasons why you do not feel you can make these changes please tell me now so that I can support you in achieving your target . Finiah with...I will review with you in a month and I want to see consistant improvement.
May also be worth cross training other staff to cover one another's absence and include her work within that. She needs to learn she is not indispensable.

OP

I speak as someone who LOATHES a colleague, but doesn't have a stake in the business or really know the Big Boss

If this was my situation and I could fire her tomorrow I absolutely would and would have grounds to do so.

If this the business I work for was owned by someone I love, share a life with, sleep next to and have DC with, and they were not so much as willing to acknowledge fault with her let alone fire her despite there being grounds for it, I would be very concerned about their regard for me, both personally and professionally.

Were it not for the fact you said she was in her 20s not late 30s I would have sworn blind this was an unstable girl I knew at uni, complete with the conveniently timed asthma attacks

A professional liar, these people always get caught out in the end.

She’s been on board for a very short time to have had several crying jags. I’ve worked in menopause-heavy workplaces (like hundreds) with less emotional upheaval than this.

Sounds like she’s got to go. So Line up your ducks. Deal with it as if your DP were just a fellow senior manager. Stop talking about it after hours. Set formal meeting times, document into formal templates, record meeting notes, the full enchilada. Bring in information that deflects this idea that it is somehow you taking things personally, or needing to change or some kind of ‘personality clash’. Instigate team activities that show up her flaws, test team morale (interview everyone on condition of anonymity), etc.

Research and begin whatever retrenchment process is relevant to her position, documenting carefully as you go.

Approach a reliable local recruitment agency, and begin the process of replacing her. Take your findings (and cvs of prospective replacements) to your next meeting with DP.

INSISTon being taken seriously, and tell him his persistent refusal to take you seriously is affecting his business and relationship.

she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why

I immediately guessed live in nanny, which you confirmed in a later post. Two reasons she was sacked - she was either making a play for the husband/father, or she stole something. I'd lean more toward the former based on her other behaviour towards your DP, although possibly both based on her nasty digs.

She's making a play for your DP here, and he's letting her.

Your biggest problem here is your DP. On some (possibly sub conscious) level he is thrilled with the attention she's giving him. If you left the business would be it up shit creek in trying to maintain its current level? If yes, then I'd be giving him a blunt ultimatum - her or me. Ask him how long the business would continue before it took a major nose dive without your help. I guarantee if you left, so would some of the other staff who're pissed off with Madam. If he thinks madam is worth losing you/the business/other staff for, then he's not the man for you anyway.

My DH has his own business and one of the employees once made a comment that was disrespectful towards about me (not nasty really; just "off"). DH came down on him like a ton of bricks and told him if it happened again he'd be sacked on the spot. Never happened again. There's no way in hell he'd have stood by and allowed it to go on as your "D"P has been.

Everything else aside, I'd have sacked her long ago for all the manipulative crying alone. That has no place in the workplace.

Wow, there was a TV fictional series where the girl does this in the office! I don’t think it was DR Foster but it was something like this! The character (you) changed tack on how they dealt with this person. Friendly, polite approach, watch, document, wait. Keep your frustrations to yourself, pop in unexpectedly on a day off to get a feel of what’s going on. You seem to be playing into her hands and she is playing the victim! I would change my approach. Don’t keep the documentation at work, she sounds a player and she will know this game!

Inappropriate conduct or behaviour would certainly constitute grounds for a dismissal .....especially if it's already be raised and not acted upon by the employee. Not disclosing details of a previous dismissal - if that's happened also not great. I'd go down that route. Best of luck!

There's no evidence yet to suggest the employees goal is to get into the DP's pants! My view is that she's just a general shit stirrer and bad apple. She's spotted a gap in this young businesses armour very early on and she's managed to prise it wide open. She is actually managing very successfully to control OTHER people's behaviour - they're avoiding the office, outward talking etc etc. I'd have thought this is pretty bad news for a business where people need to be able to talk openly, share ideas etc. I doubt a leopard like this can or would want to change her spots. I'd turf her out quickly and limit the damage.

If you see a rat and smell a rat there's a rat.
I went through similar and walked with my head held high. Eventually.
If he's not on your side you only have yourself.
Glad you have your own property though. I hadn't.
Get planning

I also found that people responsible for recruiting her cut her a lot more slack....I guess it was their way of telling themselves that she was ok really and they had not made a huge mistake (when it was clear they had!)

Interesting. I'm in a similar situation - shit stirring and brutally unpleasant colleague and those who recruited her are the most lenient. I can't change the situation, so I'm leaving.

Tinkobell the reason I suggested the OP seriously consider leaving is because this situation is showing up serious problems with both the business and the relationship. I would hope it would not come to her leaving but that if she makes it clear she is prepared to leave, her DP should step up. However, if he won't then actually it reveals even more problems. As much as she should be able to stay and gain from the business, sometimes life does not work out like that.

Crying at work is rarely appropriate

How long do you think it will be until you start losing staff because of her?
Try using this as a tactic to talk to DP. He may not want to lose her as she takes workload off him but he'll have more hassle if others leave...

TBH it's hard to gauge from this thread what the OP's stake is within this business. I'm confused a bit. The title refers to the employee as a "colleague" and yet she helped recruit. The OP might not have strong legal stakes within the business yet but if she's developed the ideas behind it and effectively helped build something - then she's a boss not a co-worker or colleague. For me, this status really determines everything. If the OP isn't actually a major rightful stakeholder in this business and is just helping out in the office a few days a week then this puts a different perspective on everything and it's the DP's views that count more.

I work with a woman just like this so I feel your pain! Do you have any evidence that other people in the team have similar issues with her? You need to avoid this looking like a personal issue and get hard evidence that she is causing problems.

I wouldn't want to work with someone such as the OP describes.

The way I would deal with is to play her at her own game. Next time she bursts into tears,act over concerned and tell it its perhaps best she goes home as she is so upset. Next day call her before work asking her if she is feeling well enough to come into work, you are all worried about her.
Wjem she does waltz in, take her into the office, act concerned for her mental well being, then say we think the job is too much for you. It's causing you stress which is causing these tearful outbursts. You have also noticed her sickness record is not great..... Is the stress of work causing her asthma attacks?
Obviously you are worried about her but you are worried about the business too and you need everyone to be on the top of their game and the outbursts indicate something deeper going on. Ask her to reflect on whether the job is right for her as you are worried for her health.

I call her a colleague as that’s what I feel she is. My DP is owner/director and we have 12 staff all together. I consider myself to be an employee and take a wage as such. I manage the office and office staff. I came from a large company and have slowly been helping build the business and bring it up to scratch with proper HR Health and Safety etc. My DP does rely on and defer to me on decisions where I have a lot more experience.

I’m trying not to make it look like a personal issue but it feels very much like it is at times. In previous job there were staff that absolutely nobody got on with and although it was difficult I found a way and got on quite well with them in the end. Madam as I like to call her is a different kettle of fish. I’m definitely going to take on board a lot of the sound advice you have all given.

I popped into the office for an hour this morning and made my presence felt asking her if she was using her mobile for work? No? Emergency? Then put it away then please.

I will be getting my ducks in a row as well

So who does she report to?

op if it feels like a personal issue then it is. There seems (to me) that there are two problems:

• her unprofessionalism at work
• your DPs attachment to her and thus your (justifiable) discomfort

You need to separate the two. Let someone else manage her behaviour at work, and speak to your DP about the reasons for your discomfort. If you try to manage both yourself it could well end badly.

I’m late to the thread but mark my words OP, she’s after your DP.

I’m not saying it’s reciprocated but that’s her end game and I’d bet my designer handbag she was asked to leave her last job because of similarly inappropriate behaviour.

I don’t suffer fools easily - in your position I’d have made my partner choose between us because I’m just not having that shit when I’m at work - it’s hard enough as it is.

Yeah I have to agree with @Merryoldgoat. It would be me or her, I wouldn't be suffering through this.

I'm honestly astounded at the number if people who think it's okay to sack someone to assuage a partner's jealousy.

For unprofessionalism, sure. But on the off chance she's "after" the boss?! I can't believe people think that's okay. If anything it's his over the top attachment to her (inability to address her faults) that is causing the issue.

Wrt her previous employer - no bloody way would she be asked/allowed to continue to babysit if she were sacked for making inappropriate advances towards her boss.

@RedBallpointPens I'm not suggesting she be sacked for jealousy. This woman is clearly undermining the op and her partner is allowing it. If someone was constantly disrespecting me and manipulating my oh I'd expect him to put an end to it, or I'd be gone.

OP you are at risk here and need to stop worrying about this employee and focus on yourself! If you are helping build the business then your DP needs to give you shares. Frankly you are just an employee like everyone else. Is he paying you the going rate for your role or are you working extra hours/responsibility for no reward and no asset? There was a thread on here recently about a woman who did just that. Not married and she helped build a very successful business but had no share and after many years the partner decided to start messing around with another woman. Protect yourself. If he’s not making you an official partner and this woman is not being dealt with then get yourself employed by a competitor to show him you aren’t to be messed around. Be wary of being used