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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the way I do about a colleague

209 replies

Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:09

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

OP posts:
Gabilan · 07/09/2018 07:43

I'm honestly astounded at the number if people who think it's okay to sack someone to assuage a partner's jealousy

As PP have pointed out, unless the OP and her partner do this absolutely by the book, this woman has a good case for some form of unfair dismissal. It could be made to look as if the OP just took against her from the start and then tried to oust her. She needs to be managed properly, firmly and absolutely by the book, preferably by someone other than the OP or her DP. Any hint of trying to manage her out needs to be dropped IMO because that would expose the company to potential legal action. But she does need to be managed so that she stops taking the piss.

ThanosSavedMe · 07/09/2018 07:56

Do you have any outside hr support? You can get rid of her or maybe even amend her attitude so that she does become a valuable employee

Tinkobell · 07/09/2018 08:25

@Gabilan......sorry but where does it say the OP's jealous? I must have missed that. She feels pissed off and undermined because the woman's a gobshite who leans and talks over her, despite being told not to. The employee is also circumventing the OP in discussions and commenting on her possessions. This behaviour would piss off anyone! It's bloody rude. Doesn't mean the office is a hotbed of jealous sexual tension though!

redexpat · 07/09/2018 08:27

I manage the office and office staff. I came from a large company and have slowly been helping build the business and bring it up to scratch with proper HR Health and Safety etc. My DP does rely on and defer to me on decisions where I have a lot more experience. Who has the most experience when dealing with poor professionalism?

WellThisIsShit · 07/09/2018 09:15

What a difficult situation, ghastly woman!

She has unfortuneately exposed gaps in your status in both business and relationship terms.

It does show that you are not in a formal position in either, and your formal status, stability and ultimate rights do not reflect the reality of what you are giving to either.

So, this needs to change...

It also shows that the business needs formal procedures to protect itself against personnel issues like this. But you can’t put anything in place unless your dp agrees to it and backs up any new processes and initiatives fully, in deeds as well as words.

ohfourfoxache · 07/09/2018 09:30

Was there any comment from your dp after you told her to put her phone away?

Original poster
Tara336 · 07/09/2018 10:55

I’m a bit confused that anyone should think I’m jealous. I am absolutely not and nothing to be jealous about. I do get paid very well for a part time role in the business. I can’t work full time as I have a chronic illness. I do agree with the comments that I have to resolve some issues with DP as he does need to be backing me up and that’s something I will address. I agree that she wouldn’t be allowed to babysit if she’d made a pass at previous employer, however, something happened there I’m sure of it. She has made quite bitchy comments about the mother of the family re possessions etc and from what I can understand the room she had in the home wasn’t needed for a new baby etc so I can only assume she has overstepped the mark there as well.

DP seems to have the opinion that Madam is not worldly wise and therefore while he acknowledges the comments and also the quite spiteful things she has said he believes (or chooses to believe) that she speaks without thinking. I think the complete opposite. She does seem to be very jealous of people and possessions as she has made comments about clients before now. I have quite reasonably pointed out that people work damm hard for their money (including myself and DP) and that brings reward.

There’s a lot of varying g opinions on here and I can see the merits in the different ways of dealing with this issue. But I think I shall start by protecting myself as that’s good sound advice and stupidly something I haven’t done.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 07/09/2018 13:47

DP seems to have the opinion that Madam is not worldly wise and therefore while he acknowledges the comments and also the quite spiteful things she has said he believes (or chooses to believe) that she speaks without thinking.

Even if DP were correct (I agree with you), she's clearly more than old enough to be able to monitor what she says before saying it.

I'd still try to get an off the record reason for why she left her last job.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/09/2018 14:04

@Tara336 - In relation to this post you made on Wednesday (I'm only catching up now on this thread):
we are actually now at the point where we need to recruit again so as you can imagine the thought of madam leaving at this cruicial time is not something he wants to contemplate, if you're going to be recruiting again, surely it would make more sense to be able to train two or three people (not sure how many you're going to be taking on) rather than one now and one in a few weeks/months time when this Madam has gone too far and you end up letting her go anyway?

I would recommend setting in place some general office rules - mobiles for emergencies only etc. Also have a probationary period that if for whatever reason, the management can let the new staff member go and similarly if it isn't working out, the staff member can let the management know and leave.
Contracts should be clear and unambiguous and set out plainly what is expected of a staff member doing X role in the company.

You need to have a discussion with your DP and say that while at work, you're colleagues and your opinion on X, Y or Z must be taken as a professional opinion and with the merit it deserves. If he wants to defer the hiring and firing to you, then he must do that and he must accept that. He sounds like he still wants to have the trump card on things that really shouldn't be involving him if he is owner/director. He should be delegating responsibility to people and understanding that they are responsible for that area, yet answerable to him if something goes wrong. From what you've posted, it doesn't come across as though he is ready to hand over the reins on some things.

HeebieJeebies456 · 07/09/2018 15:57

If you are helping build the business then your DP needs to give you shares.

This with bells on. Don't be a fool and wager on him marrying you....he doesn't even have enough respect for you personally or professionally as this situation demonstrates.

Gabilan · 07/09/2018 19:04

@Tinkobell sometimes people use bold type for emphasis but if it's at the start of a paragraph often they are quoting people. I quoted someone saying the OP was jealous. Quoting is not agreement. You'll have to redirect your question at the person I quoted.

Original poster
Tara336 · 07/09/2018 19:29

@HeebieJeebies456 I don’t want shares, I’m not interested in anything like that. I am happy with taking a salary as an employee. I wouldn’t demand shares off my last employer who’s business I also helped grow as that is what I was paid to do. That’s what I’m being paid to do now.

Not everything in life is about money. The comment that he doesn’t respect me is way off the mark there tbh. We have an issue with an employee who is causing trouble, he hasn’t been supportive that does not mean that he is not supportive with every other issue in our lives personally or professionally.

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 07/09/2018 20:10

So you’re confused then. If you’re taking a salary and you’re not a partner in the business then this colleagues performance and attitude is nothing to do with you. Just because you’re the bosses wife it doesn’t mean you’re the boss. Unless you are actually the boss - ie you own part of the business. Can’t you see that?

chestylarue52 · 07/09/2018 20:11

‘We’ don’t have an issue with an employee unless she’s your employee.

Butterymuffin · 07/09/2018 20:27

I do see the point people are making here OP. You're putting in more effort to the business than a standard employee and you have more influence, but you have no official authority or anything on paper to reinforce that. You're dependent on your DP recognising it, rewarding and respecting your contribution accordingly - and while I know you're saying he generally does, this situation highlights the fact that it could be removed at any time and you'd have no come back. He'd keep all the benefits. Not saying he is a wrong un at all, just pointing out it's worth being careful and not giving too much away for free.

Original poster
Tara336 · 07/09/2018 20:49

@Butterymuffin I do understand your point but it’s a position I’ve chosen to take it’s not something that’s been pushed on me by DP. I do have official authority and have no issues with managing any other part of the business it’s just with Madam where we have encountered our first genuine clash of opinions. He does need the extra help as the business is going in the direction we wanted it too, it’s been our first real issue in the 4 years I’ve been working in the business. I just don’t want the burden of being a shareholder/director as I want to wind down a bit as I have a chronic illness and I quite happy as an employee which was my idea not his. I earn a very good salary, have good working conditions and no problems within the business other than this stumbling block.

There are no other issues other than this one, we are very very happy together. We are planning on marrying in the very near future and again it has been me that has held off from that because frankly the thought of organising it fills me with dread, I’m more the bigger off to Vegas type a decision again influenced by my illness as a full on wedding would be exhausting for me, a long flight where I can sleep all the way is perfect!

I’m really not an idiot any decision I have taken has been with my best interest in mind not his.

OP posts:
delphguelph · 07/09/2018 20:53

You sound a bit passive and childish tbh in dealing with this

And Madam obviously has you weighed up. She's got under your skin already. And as merry said upthread I think she's after your DH. Probably why she was fired from the last nanny job. Just speculation, like.

She needs to go.

MulticolourMophead · 07/09/2018 21:13

OP, if you want to go to Vega and get married, then why not? You don't have to have the big wedding, etc. And it can be as soon as you like. Wink

Original poster
Tara336 · 07/09/2018 21:26

@delphguelph passive maybe childish no. Passive because I have to try to manage stress as it can affect my illness and also because frankly in the beginning I was hoping that after the first appraisal I gave her in which I reminded her she was now in an office environment and the etiquette was completely different to her previous working environment she may mend her ways (she didn’t). Still not convinced about the being after DP but it’s always wise to watch your back. I’d love to see her go you wouldn’t get any argument there 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 07/09/2018 21:29

@MulticolourMophead we’ve looked at Gibraltar too after some friends eloped there, we both love the idea of a day that’s just ours with no fuss or drama 😊 we have said we will take a serious look in the new year 😊

OP posts:
Lellikelly26 · 07/09/2018 21:41

OP I’m sure you know employees can’t claim unfair dismissal unless they have been employed for two years. I would be livid if my DH put someone else before me, at work or otherwise

Original poster
Tara336 · 07/09/2018 21:57

@Leilikelly26 I’m not that chuffed with him tbh. He’s just that worried about the workload that we now have he’s worried about losing/retraining staff and he’s ended up a bit blinkered in my opinion. She’s not been with us a year yet but certainly made her presence felt. There’s been sound advice here and it’s been nice to have some moral support and know I’m not overeacting and as it’s been pointed out men can be absolutely oblivious to things women can spot a mile off. He has acknowledged she’s highly irritating and lacks social ques which I guess is at least a start. I have said to him more than once that she thinks he is her friend not her boss, I have come from a much more professional environment and while we all got on the hiarachy was very clear, this is something I think DP struggles with and needs to work on.

OP posts:
Joboy · 07/09/2018 22:19

Why youdid not ring up her previous employer.
I think you have DP problem. And if you leave the business i think a few other will leave as well.
He is not looking at company as whole. Did not do so frim beginning. He is only thinking of himself.

I would be thinking of leaving . Everything . Now before you get force out.

MulticolourMophead · 07/09/2018 23:40

He’s just that worried about the workload that we now have he’s worried about losing/retraining staff

Then, this may be the "in" to getting your DP to take those blinkers off. If there are incidents that affect the other staff, they may look elsewhere for employment. And if your DP is being seen to be treating Madam more favourably (eg the phone stuff) then this also may affect how they view their employment in the company.

Juells · 08/09/2018 08:51

Could you employ someone else and train them up, then her? She just sounds like a nightmare to deal with, whatever her reasons. I do think you should phone previous employer for a real conversation. I once had a situation something like this, and the person's reference-giver initially kept repeating 'I have given a reference as required by law' or some such waffle. I kept at it, and they finally provided a clue as to what had happened. It was worse than I'd expected :(