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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the way I do about a colleague

209 replies

Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:09

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 08/09/2018 08:58

I think your OH has a crush on her.

Also silly to not have any financial protection. To refuse to have a share of the business you helped build up? outrageous and your putting yourself in a bind here, especially as your not married.

Juells · 08/09/2018 09:00

I meant to say "Could you employ someone else and train them up, then fire her?"

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2018 10:22

If you go to the previous employer, stress it'll be off the record. It's to help inform the situation.

HollowTalk · 08/09/2018 10:39

Does this woman have access to accounts at work? Given her resentment of other people's money, I'd make sure she couldn't take anything from the business that she wasn't entitled to.

happypoobum · 08/09/2018 10:48

Fuck this shit - she sounds toxic.

I would be telling DP he sacks her or you are leaving.

She can't do anything about it if she has been there less than two years.

Juells · 08/09/2018 11:01

Yes, I do think you need to pull rank. If he thinks work would be difficult without her, how would he manage if you left? I'm not trying to be nasty, but it sounds as if you're a very capable person who thinks you're not entitled to much. Any old shit will do you. Build up a business but not feel you should share in the profits. Be a manager, but not be allowed to manage.

scammedohshit · 08/09/2018 11:14

I think it sounds as if Madam wants your life. She actually wants to step into your shoes rather than it being a case of she’s after your DP or after your job. She actually wants you out and her in. Creepy stuff and I’m imagining she’s getting quite a kick from causing you upset.
It sounds to me as if her personality is disordered somehow.
I’d personally do everything within my power to get her out of your life even if it meant having to give your partner an ultimatum.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if her previous employer told you she had felt undermined within her own house but that Madam had done a good enough job with the children

RandomMess · 08/09/2018 11:26

You need another member of staff, would training two up at the same time be more work?

I would take on two new staff then when they are able to help with the workload tackle Madam, she is being unprofessional which can be handled via performance review...

I suspect once she is clamped down on for her attitude and behaviour she will flounce of her own accord.

Stormwhale · 08/09/2018 13:31

I wouldn't assume that your dp wouldn't fancy her because she is no top model. A family member had an affair with a woman who, to put it bluntly, is really quite ugly, with an unappealing personality too. In contrast his wife was gorgeous, warm, bubbly, just lovely. He is now with the ow, and makes crude comments about how good their sex life is. Yuck. I would have another look at the situation if I were you as he seems to have a worryingly large blind spot when it comes to her.

Original poster
Tara336 · 08/09/2018 16:23

@Juells my DP is older than me and has children from a previous marriage who use him as a bank. On paper I am in a much stronger financial position than him, own my home outright etc and we have bought a home together as well. I don’t want his money or need it, I am the one person in his life who takes and expects nothing. I think he does have trouble letting me manage sometimes or certainly where Madam is concerned but he does sit back and let me get on with what needs to be done the majority of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 08/09/2018 16:29

@scammedohshit I would agree with you she wants my life or anyone’s really who appear to be more comfortable and happy. With the underminging comment I would agree as one of the alarm bells to me was at interview when she said “the parents were on board with HER way of doing things” that freaked me out and I did say to DP that was one of the reasons I think we should pass her over for the job. that and thinking rolling up sipping a Costa coffee at interview which is the height of bad manners.

I extended her 3 month probation because we were not very happy with a couple of things but again I was starting to notice things such as DP would go to hand me something and she would snatch it out his hand and pass it to me, it was rude and odd.

She’s made comments about how awful several people in her life have been to her and again alarm bells as we all have the odd person in our lives that are not great, she seems to have an army! Says me she’s the problem not them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara336 · 08/09/2018 16:33

@Hollowtalk no access to company money at all. DP came home last night and said there had been a call for me re a work issue and explained a rough outline. I asked who this guy was etc as I’d never heard of him and was told Madam took the call but didn’t get a name or number for me to call back. I said how stupid that was and it always appears to be my calls she does this with and he said he has noticed.

OP posts:
Juells · 08/09/2018 16:36

I am the one person in his life who takes and expects nothing.

Men are good at maneouvering women into feeling loving and supportive for not expecting anything (been there, done that :( ) next thing they go off with someone very demanding.

Original poster
Tara336 · 08/09/2018 16:54

@juells I haven’t been manoeuvred I chose to take that attitude. It pisses me off watching his DD conveniently forget to pay him back thousands for cars etc yet is far too busy to even visit him on his birthday and hasn’t spent one Christmas with him in over 10 years. His problem is he’s too kind and Madam has cottoned on to that. I wouldn’t let him rip me off over our house but the business I see as his and genuinely don’t care. I take a wage I’m happy with and it’s enough for me.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2018 17:16

OP - you’re clearly absolutely fine financially and I don’t think your DP is interested in her but I’d still not be happy with her being there.

I just don’t want anything other than ‘usual’ stress at work - there’s enough shit to deal with without having to constantly assert yourself.

I know I said it upthread but he’d be making a choice. I’d not be going into work until he allowed me to deal with her properly. It doesn’t mean firing her immediately but proper management (as you’ve stated you’d like) and seeing if she sorts it out.

My gut feeling though is she’s not going to though.

I worked with someone like this very briefly. I moved teams and she was hired as my replacement. I spent a few hours with her and explained the weekly/monthly deliverables, showed her my files etc and said something like ‘of course, you’ll find your own way to do all of these things as it’s your job now. Obviously I’m not your manager so I wouldn’t tell you how to do things but I’m happy to offer guidance and answer any questions.’

It got back to me that she was going round telling everyone I’d said she was stuck on a few things but as it was no longer my job I couldn’t help her.

I told my old manager very clearly I wouldn’t allow her to undermine me like that. Thankfully manager knew me very well and knew there was no way I’d say that. She was let go quite quickly as that was one incident of many.

These things need to be nipped in the bud.

irunlikeahipoo · 08/09/2018 17:16

I would watch single white female 😂 OP or maybe fatal attraction
Old films but still on the ball

Seriously just because you don’t think she is your DH type means nothing .
I’m am absolute 1000 percent opposite to my DH ex wife in every single way
But he married me and not her despite having kids together and a long term relationship

I would get rid of her. She is a bit of a cuckoo in the nest

Undermining you constantly and sucking up to your DP

One day you will flip go mad at her for something and you wlll be in the wrong completely and your DP will side with her

Duskqueen · 08/09/2018 17:17

Can you get the number for her previous employer and phone them to find out what happened?

PawneeParksDept · 08/09/2018 17:20

Ooo I think @Duskqueen has a good idea there

Butterymuffin · 08/09/2018 17:47

So is she still now on that extended probation period? Sorry if you've said already.

Original poster
Tara336 · 08/09/2018 18:00

@Butterymuffn i was off work when it came up for review again so I’ve not done anything either way yet.

@Duskqueen she still works babysitting from r the previous employer so I’m not sure that’s my best move tbh

@irunlikeahippo I am the calmest person in the world but yes there is a danger of me absolutely flipping at some point

Madam likes to try to ignore what she is told regularly, she was told very clearly to not bring the children she cares for into the office on her day off to see my dog... she continued to bring the children in the office to see my dog. I did speak to her about it. DP was not happy and asked me to tell her that was unacceptable.

She has had her landlord pay her visits to the office (new one after old employer kicked her out) again she was asked to deal with her personal issues outside of work... next thing you know the woman she baby sits for is in the office to discuss times.

She absolutely takes the piss. I have spoken to someone who has been working with her in the office and she is very slow and doesn’t prioritise her work so causes delays. I am not going to spoil my weekend with DP but will tell him she’s due another appraisal and I think we should extend her probation again.

OP posts:
CrossFlannelCherry · 08/09/2018 19:19

Just wondering how someone whose employment experience is as a nanny was deemed the best candidate for the job? Surely there were others with more relevant experience? Just get rid of her while you can OP and pick up the slack until her replacement is trained up.

trojanpony · 08/09/2018 21:09

100% agree - Extend the Probation.

babswindsor · 08/09/2018 21:27

I have to say that before I had even started to read the other replies I thought 'this woman is after OP's husband'. Get rid, asap.

Seabreeze18 · 08/09/2018 22:15

Totally unprofessional! Get rid ASAP

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2018 22:43

DP came home last night and said there had been a call for me re a work issue and explained a rough outline. I asked who this guy was etc as I’d never heard of him and was told Madam took the call but didn’t get a name or number for me to call back. I said how stupid that was and it always appears to be my calls she does this with and he said he has noticed.

That's a start. This is where it's becoming obvious that whatever her issue is, it's beginning to affect the business, not just you personally. After all, how can you work if Madam isn't recording the necessary information.

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