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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the way I do about a colleague

209 replies

Tara336 · 05/09/2018 19:09

Please be gentle here ladies, I am prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable I just don’t know how to deal with the situation that’s driving me nuts.

We took on a new employee last year and this person was not my first choice (I do the interviewing) but was overruled by my DP for various reasons, my gut told me that she was not going to be a good fit for the business.

Since we took her on my feeling is that I have been right. I have spoken to her about her behaviour within the office environment but I haven’t seen any improvement at all.

She has zero respect for personal space, leans over you when you are working, talks constantly, talks over you mid conversation, cries (a lot) and has a real talent for listening in to private conversations.

I am actually at the point where I hate going into work as I can’t abide being in the same room as her. I have tried talking to my DP many times about it but get nowhere as she makes HIS life easier which is what she was employed to do.

The thing is I feel a lot of what she does is very deliberate and calculating. My DP asked me why I barely speak in the office anymore and it’s basically because if I do she talks over me and then just won’t shut the fuck up. My DP and I had the conversation about why I was quiet at work in private outside, as I walked back in I caught her listening again. Lo and behold that evening DP comes home and says x made a comment about how quiet you are in the office lately and asked if your ok she’s really worried about you.

Without being to outing she was suddenly asked to leave her other live in job and I guess my mind is in overdrive as to why.

I’m not suggesting that DP is having a thing with her or anything like that but I really don’t feel supported in how I’m feeling so really AIBU?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 21:33

If she's indiscreet in the workplace (and you've warned her) then almost guaranteed you'll be the talk down the local pub etc etc. If you're happy with that, fine. Sounds like a problem you could do without isn't it? I suppose you have to make a judgement as to whether she can improve under probation or not? To me, she sounds like a big gob-shite though who has very over inflated self importance.

HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 21:34

A Will can be worthless though; there's nothing stopping someone from rewriting it.

delphguelph · 05/09/2018 21:36

But what her presence has blown open is that your position is nominal, she's picked that up and is running circles around your DP.

^

This.

And you're not married either?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/09/2018 21:38

Personally I think she is after your DH. I know I can't possibly know it's just my a bit feeling when putting things together. The fact that you don't think she is pretty is irrelevant. It sounds like she's young and knows how to manipulate the men at your workplace. Be strong and right back OP. You really do need to get your DP back on your side. I would make it clear to him that you don't want him making any comments in front of her or sharing any personal info. I would also ask him to be very firm if she tries to talk to him about you again.

In the mean time do some digging and keep records and try and get a reason to sack her!

Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 21:39

I'm sure you can navigate this OP. Assert youself. You're a major stakeholder right? You're needed. Don't doubt yourself.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/09/2018 21:39

Not " a bit feeling" I meant "a gut feeling"

HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 21:44

She works there - she's not a part-owner.

MulticolourMophead · 05/09/2018 21:51

OP, I actually guessed she was a nanny. You had said live in. And she left suddenly.

Juells · 05/09/2018 21:51

But what her presence has blown open is that your position is nominal, she's picked that up and is running circles around your DP.

^^ this. Her behaviour is like how dogs work their way up in the pack - target the one they think can be supplanted. She's emboldened by the fact that you're not being supported and your DP.

Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 21:52

Is your business sole trader / partnership or a ltd?

Gemini69 · 05/09/2018 21:53

I'd be very careful about leaving the Office to Her and your DO to work elsewhere... Flowers

Gemini69 · 05/09/2018 21:53

*DP

Thinkingofausername1 · 05/09/2018 21:58

Could you advise her and say she needs to take some leave to sort her emotional issues out.

MudCity · 05/09/2018 22:01

I have worked with someone like this. They were always crying or having some kind of drama in their personal life which impacted on their ability to do their job. What I found is that the men in the office didn’t see through the behaviour at all whereas the women did. Maybe we just have more finely tuned senses when it comes to people, I don’t know, but the men were far more likely to be sympathetic than the women. I also found that people responsible for recruiting her cut her a lot more slack....I guess it was their way of telling themselves that she was ok really and they had not made a huge mistake (when it was clear they had!).

I would advise you to follow your gut, observe her closely and keep an eye on what she is doing. Keep good records.

I have no doubt she will ‘suck up’ to anyone who does not challenge her and yes, she could end up getting away with murder by befriending the right people. This is what happened to my colleague.

Good luck OP.

HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 22:06

Is she really the best fit if she's been working as a nanny? Does she actually have the skills you need in that company?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/09/2018 22:06

Can you contact her previous employer and ask for an off-the-record chat as to exactly why she was asked to leave?

I agree that your dp's protectiveness of her is not run-of-the-mill. It's hard to tell if there is something more than a work relationship brewing, but he is unusually invested in her. If you have spelt out how difficult this is for you - and it sounds as if you have - he's actively throwing you under the bus to appease her, and that's not good at all.

Tbh, if I were you I would be quietly getting my CV out there.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/09/2018 22:09

I would properly formalise your status in the business as a matter of urgency. Once your status is secure it will be easier to deal with her.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/09/2018 22:11

If your DP doesn't want to train someone else how will he feel if other people leave because of her behaviour. How will he feel if he needs to get new suppliers if she continues to be rude to them?? How will he feel if your relationship becomes incrwasingly strained because of her??

These are all factors he needs to take into account IMHO.

I would do things in a formal way with advice from someone in HR if necessary. I understand your frustrations. There is someone like this at my work and it drives me nuts. Thankfully she is only on contract so will be gone soon

DancingDot · 05/09/2018 22:16

I think apart from the glaring problems with your relationship, what this highlights is your company's need to get it's policies and procedures sorted. Any company needs to have consistently applied absence procedures, complaints procedures and disciplinary procedures. It sounds like yours doesn't and this will bite you on the arse if you don't sort it. Contact ACAS for guidance if this is not something you or your partner have experience in.

rosablue · 05/09/2018 22:19

Can you get the other staff to note incidents to your dh by email (maybe cc'ing you in on them too) so he gets to realise that you are not the only one who has noticed her behaviour and that she is having an impact on the whole company... whether it's actively reporting that xx spent 30 minutes playing on her phone, at which point I asked her to stop because we're so busy, but I just wanted to see how long she thought she was going to get away with it. in case it had just been that she needed a couple of minutes to reply to a message. Or framing it as question 'I noticed that you don't mind xx playing on her phone - can you let me know what the updated policy on 'how long we are now allowed to play on our phones for' is please?

I would also ask your dh next time something comes up that makes it appropriate, why he is allowing her to get away with murder such unprofessional behaviour that he wouldn't allow others to get away with half as much - not that they would actually want to attempt to...

89Bus · 05/09/2018 22:24

Did you get defences from her previous employer when she started?
Would be good for you to know more about her work history...

Tinkobell · 05/09/2018 22:26

So some posters have suggested that if the DP won't let the problem employee go, then the OP should walk?! Sorry .....but WHY? If I had contributed in equal effort and assets to a business and my DP insulted me by favouring some fog horn, I'd be honestly asking him to leave and to take the bandwidth person with him, fgs.

RedBallpointPens · 05/09/2018 22:34

I agree she does sound dodgy, but you need to be really careful here because this whole scenario could be spun the opposite way. Imagine her side:

  • my boss' girlfriend took an instant dislike to me for no apparent reason, never wanted me hired and has been unable to give a reason for this
  • the sick leave policy was non-existent / not enforced until the girlfriend decided i needed to attend return to work interviews; no other employee had to do this
  • I was accused of listening in to private conversations conducted in public
  • I was accused on unprofessionalism but the culture of the office wasn't professional. Evidence: colleagues bringing dogs in to the office, having personal post delivered to the office
  • I was treated with suspicion regarding how I left my previous job, despite my remaining in (an admittedly much smaller) role with my previous employer. I didn't go in to detail because it was due to X highly personal thing about my previous employer. My boss was clearly satisfied with my explanation at interview as he never checked the references when I was hired.
  • I have cried a couple of times at work, largely due to the toxic work environment created by my boss' girlfriend
  • my boss has been satisfied that I am successfully completing the work I was employed to do

TBH, it is clear you have a personal dislike of the woman and have since you met her. It may be better if someone else in the office took over managing her so it can be really clear that any concerns regarding her behaviour are being dealt with professionally and without personal bias.

RedBallpointPens · 05/09/2018 22:50

Also, be aware that severe asthma can be counted as a disability and therefore covered by the Equality Act so if this is the only competency-based problem you have with her you might be in a lot of trouble if you use that to manage her out of the office. You really need someone dispassionate about the scenario (ie not you or DP) to decide whether her behaviour is annoying/irritating or moves in to incompetency/misconduct.

Butterymuffin · 05/09/2018 23:03

You are going to have to make sure you go by the book on this. Who do you go to when the company needs HR advice?

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