to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

Tell her to FOTFSOF and then FOSM. She has no rights to anything and you and DH are the only people who a say in any of this!

I’ve had three and my Mum was not at any of them, didn’t even cross my mind and I it didn’t cross hers to want to be there.

All of my friends around my age (50) didn’t have their mums with them either, just the baby’s Dad.

Can't really imagine having my mum at my births. It's for you and your husband, imo.

I didn’t have my Mum at any of my births.

If you don’t want her there, you don’t have to have her. The last place you need someone nipping at you is in the labour ward!

The birth is for you and your partner, my mum would probably moan at me saying I was doing it all wrong anyway 😂 I never thought I could have my mum int he room

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

Your mum is making this all about her, you don't build bridges by riding roughshod all over someone else's feelings. Please don't let her make you feel bad, she is being utterly unreasonable.

You mum is crackers. She is manipulating you. Your labour and the birth of your child is not about her. It isnt fodder for her news feed. Be firm, tell her no. She can blig about her nerves waiting for that all important phonecall. I'd also consider telling her that yoyr section is booked for a date two days after your date. That way, you wont get any unexpected, surprise visits.

Just say no (way on earth)! No, no, no!!

Your mum is making it all about her but I expect you know this. It's not that usual to have your mum at the birth and anyway for a c section they usually limit it to one person. It's also likely that the hospital has rules about filming.
You must do what is right for you. You are allowed to put yourself first.

Jesus that’s exhausting

Stick to your guns, tell her no. I really regret letting my mum get away with taking over my children’s births.

YABU. She sounds unbelievably self-centered (filming for her followers, etc.) and immature. Don’t have any qualms whatsoever about refusing to have her there at the birth. It’s not like she was hoping to be there as a support to you!

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

Christ

I see what you mean when you say she thinks she’s a bit of a celebrity. Just say no. And when she bowls in, filming away, make sure you make a scene and ruin the footage

Jesus. She’s insane. What kind of emotional blackmail is this?

She does know that you can only have one person with you in a c section? And she thinks she trumps dh?

Sorry she’s barking. And if anyone posted shit like that about me on social media I’d be going lc to give her less info to post about too.

I’d also start making boundaries now. It’ll only get worse when the baby comes along. See many other threads up at the moment about ‘second favourite children’ and their children being brought into the whole mess. Your dc will pick up on it eventually. And what if (shock horror) your dc is not what she wants - not girly enough, not sport enough etc etc. I wouldn’t put my kids through the same level of shit you’ve had to deal with.

Take care sorry you’ve had a rough time of it

She sounds incredibly selfish and manipulative.
She's not respecting your wishes and she obviously believes wholeheartedly that she's been wronged! That shows how self-centred she is- she seems to have no interest in your welfare but solely her own.
Stick to your guns OP. If you don't then for the whole of your child's life, she'll try to get her own way and try to push into everything. You must start as you mean to go on.
How ridiculous of her to say that you're going to impact the bond between her and her grandchild. Plenty of parents aren't there to see their children give birth and that doesn't affect the bond at all. She doesn't need to be there and she must respect your wishes. She's saying these things to pin the blame on you to convince you that you're in the wrong and make you feel guilty.
If she was at the birth, she sounds like she'd make the midwife give her the baby for the first hold!! She sounds that intent and selfish!!
Best of luck OP and congratulations on your baby. Focus on yourself and your baby and your own wishes. Don't let her ruin this precious time.

Oh and the whole 'it takes a village' thing....fine, but every village has a chief. When it comes to your child, you and ypur dh are the chief. She can either be a wise village elder, who worls alongside the new parents to guide and support them, or, she can behave like the village idiot and everyone will ignore her.

Not sure how it works at your hospital but I was only allowed one person in theatre with me for my c section. Absolutely no exceptions to this rule. So she probably wouldn't be allowed in anyway.

Wanting to film you is a bit strange.

I don't know a single person who had their mother at their labour, far less during a c-section -- I don't think it's the rule, by any means. I am very fond of my mother, and indeed of my father and DH's parents, but no one visited us for almost three weeks after our baby was born, because I didn't want them to. Six years on and they have a lovely relationship.

Your CS isn't some kind of spectator sport, for God's sake.

She soubds like a right drama queen.

I like social media (but by page 2 in sure there'll be loads of replies from people saying smugly 'and this is why I'm not on social media') but there is no need to turn it into her own Kardashian style live feed.

The passive aggressive blogs and posts can also fuck right off.

If anything her actions should confirm she has zero contact with you through and around labour until you are ready.

Definitely not usual to have parents at your baby's birth. 2 children and neither parents nor in-laws present.

Sounds like a horrible situation.
My mum wanted to be at my birth, and I said no . For some similar reasons such as we’re very different people, she would make it all about her, wouldn’t deal with it if I snapped at her during ect.
She made a fuss about it for a while then said she’d hand around the hospital which again I said no (luckily I asked her to look after my first child for me while I was in labour so that stopped her)

I think you just have to be firm. Say it’s your birth and you want to bring your child safely into the world your way. And filming is not part of that in any way, you’d like it to be a private moment between you and your partner.
And when you and baby are adequately recovered then she’s very much welcome to visit, but if she doesn’t want to that’s fine and her choice.

If you feel like you have to pacify her tell her she can write your birth story for her blog or let her do a small photo shoot for you and baby when you’re home abandon recovered. But maybe ask baby/your face is t on social media. So she can post hand holding pics, feet pics, tasteful shots of baby from behind. Or her holding baby.

Just be firm. It’s your birth, let her tantrum about it she can’t force her way into the room and film it!

YANBU. More to the point, usually only one birth partner is allowed into theatre for a c-section (as far as I'm aware). So that's quite easy - it's an operation, not a spectator sport, and hospital policy means it just isn't possible.

Check your hospital rules. If having a c-section at my local hospital you can only have one person in with you, which would obviously be DH. That should hopefully shut down the argument.

Fuck no!! I only know one person who had their mum at the birth and that was cause 'daddy' wasn't interested.

As for filming it??? The only thing she'd be capturing in the inside of her colon!!

Hang up the phone every time she mentions it. And don't tell her when you go into Labour!

I literally know 1 person who had their mum at the birth and that was because her partner had buggered off.

Tell her when she calls that if she wants to have a close relationship with you it would help if she actually got to know you and understand what makes you tick. Tell her to read up on introverts and extroverts for a start.

In my experience as a midwife very few couples have a parent at delivery. Labour and birth is not a spectator sport! As you are having a C section then likely only one birth partner and NO filming allowed in theatre (at least where I work!). Tell your midwives your feelings and get them to reinforce the no filming/ photography part! All the best for meeting your new baby.