to not have my mum at the birth

[BluePandas]

I will try and keep the background short , basically I have an odd relationship with my mum.
We are just two very different people , she can be very full on and likes to be the centre of attention, she is really into social media and she acts almost like she is famous. Whereas I am quieter mostly keep to myself. My mum also favours my sister and has done our whole lives. My sister is the sort of daughter my mum always wanted (pretty and girly) and I have never been any of those things.

From my mums perspective I have always been a difficult child, I hated shopping and trying on dresses I was rubbish at dance and gymnastics and scared of horse riding. I also hated the name she gave me and referred to myself by a different one. As soon as I was old enough I changed it . and I know she was really upset by my decision and she still refers to me by my old name.

So I am currently pregnant with my first DC. It has been a really tough pregnancy and I have had lots of complications along the way. I am booked in for a c-section in a couple of weeks time which I am both looking forward too and am very scared about.

DH and I have talked about it and I wouldn't like my mum to visit until I am ready. It will be a stressful time and I don't want her to be making it all about her at a time when I am worried about DC.

So yesterday my mum called me asking about my plans for the birth as she want to know if she can film during the c-section. I said that only DH will be with me during the birth and that either DH or I will call her once the baby is born to discuss when she can come and visit. But that when she visits I don't want her to film anything because I don't want to be on her social media having just given birth

She was annoyed that we are dictating when she can come and visit her grandchild and that she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

I said I we will contact her as soon as we can but because of the complications we want to see how everything happens before we decide on an exact plan. But that we definitely won't want her to film us.

She was upset saying that we were destroying the bond between her and her new grandchild just because I don't have a great relationship with her. She said that she was trying to have a better relationship with me but that I was pushing her away. She also said that most people want their mums during labour and my sister found her a great help when she was giving birth and she just wanted a chance to be as close to me too.
I tried to explain that I was just worried about the birth but she cut me off saying that we will have to talk about it again as she is busy and she will call me again tonight.

This morning she has written a blog about grandparents and how they are so important in a child life. How worried she is about my DC being born but how some parents can't understand that grandparents care just as much as parents and she deserves a close relationship with all her grandchildren. She then goes on to say how she is a great grandmother to my niece and how close they are and how amazing she is as a grandparent and how parents need to understand that it takes a village to raise a child.

She has also posted a load of facebook statuses throughout the day saying how some people make her feel like a rubbish parent and how grandparents deserve rights too.

My sister has also called to tell me how amazing my mum was at her birth and how tastefully my mum filmed it and how great she was and how my mum means well and that she is trying to make a better relationship with me and make up for the past but that I won't let her.

I am dreading her calling later on because I know she will push the issue but I just don't want her there. But then I feel guilty because I know that she wants to be there and maybe this is her way of building bridges because we haven't been close in the past. But then I don't want to be filmed and even if she agrees not to film I still don't want to risk having her there in case she makes it more stressful than it has to be.

So aibu to not have my mum at the birth even though she wants to be there.

No, no and absolutely no. I couldn’t think of anything worse than someone filming MY birth to impress THEIR followers

YANBU in the slightest she sounds bonkers. It’s a surgical procedure ffs not a bloody video and social media opportunity

If you don't draw up some red lines now with your narc mother, she will ruin years of your life not to mention the special time you and dh have together in sharing the bond of your first child being born.

No, she can not come (I know of no one ever who had their mother at the birth) this is ALL attention seeking and nothing more, her bathing in the reflected light of your baby being born, she will hjack the entire thing and make it all about her, and her new status as grandmother of two.

Make sure you tell the midwife and nurses, no visitors and they will make sure she stays away.

This is your baby.
This is your marriage.
This is your life.

You will need to be strong, stay united with dh and decide now together before your child even arrives how much or little you want this woman in your life. I do not say this lightly. You will be very tired in the first few months, so planning everything now to the letter will be be a layer of protection from your toxic mother and give you time to bond with your baby with dh in peace.

Good luck you will be just fine, enjoy your new baby

She is batshit. But you already knew that.

1. Birth is not a spectator sport.
2. You mentioned complications - hopefully there will be none but - does she seriously want to film the worst case scenario for you and your child???
3. You only get to be there if you are useful to the person giving birth.
4. Lots of hospitals have restrictions on filming and the number of people present.
5. I’m sure I have more but seriously, 1 and 2 should be enouh to shut people up!

I thought you could only have 1 person in theatre with you anyway? I may be wrong but if that is the case then there’s her answer.

My mum offered to come and stay for 2 weeks when I had my first baby and I said thanks but no thanks. It is a special time and most fathers only get a couple of weeks paternity so IMO it’s important to spend time just as a 3. Of course she can visit but again that is on your terms, when you are ready. I actually didn’t think I would want anyone to visit for at least a week, but when my son was born I was so proud I just wanted to show him off!

Absolutely not!!! Even if she doesn't film it I'm guessing she will be writing about the whole thing in her blog. This is your life and you have every right to keep it private. I would also ban her from posting any pics of your child on social media too.

Having a baby is the one time in life where you are definitely allowed to be selfish put yourself first. Tell your mum and sister a later date for your c section. And start setting boundaries now. I can't understand people's sense of entitlement these days. Is it because of shows like One Born Every Minute that it it deemed normal to have mothers/MILs spectators at births?

Essentially she's puttin both herself, a self centered twit, and her 'fans' before you and your child - she's only interested in you because she can get 'kudos' off the back of you and your journey, probably secretly pleased your delivery isn't straight forward as she can get sympathy online and essentially she's manipulating you to agree because without you agreeing she's not gaining anything for herself

She's essentially being a total *!?%# Do
It agree to her manipulations and self serving shit - do your birth your way

Tell her to FOTFSOF and then FOSM. She has no rights to anything and you and DH are the only people who a say in any of this!

A pretty perfect summary....! Bloody hell. Who does she think she is? Stick to your guns. This is about you and what you want.

Fucking hell, this is insane. I have read at least 3 threads in the last few months where mothers feel entitled to watch their daughters give birth - I have literally never heard of this before! Madness. My DM was VERY worried about any high risk pregnancy and I live a long way from her, so she checked into a hotel about 5 mins from the hospital and stationed herself in Costa for the entirety of my 53 hour induction/labour/emergency c section. Her and my dad hate each other but sucked it up so she had a 4 hour sleep and he manned Costa whilst she rested (she hates him but realised he was the only other person she could reasonably ask to do the job).

When DH got incredibly stressed and upset he went and got a coffee and DM came and helped me for 30mins, then left when he arrived back. Then 2 hours after giving birth both parents appeared with presents.

That is what they are supposed to do - look after you. I will always remember my DM hugging me first, before she even looked at my baby - and saying "I love you and you are still my baby and I will always be here". I have had a very difficult relationship worth them and it was one of the best moments of my life.

I know some women like to have their mums at the birth but not one of my friends or relations did, I think it is relatively unusual. My mum actually turned up unannounced during my labour but I was sufficiently off my head on pethidine to send her away! Or to be brutally honest, I was sufficiently off my head on pethidine to cling to DHs hand, howling ‘Don’t leave, make her go away’.

Stick to your guns OP. Perhaps message them jointly and say you are sorry they are disappointed but it’s important that you do this your way and will contact them when you are ready for visitors. Then don’t engage any further.

Tell your mum if she wants to build bridges, she can start by respecting your wishes. There's time (a lifetime!) to form bonds with you and your child later, but for the birth you should be as happy and comfortable as possible. You and your baby come first!

I’m really close with my mum (made her look at my episiotomy stitches with a torch when I feared infection - that close!!) and I still didn’t want her at the birth. It’s not up to anyone except you and your husband, and anyway with a c section I think they’ll only allow one birth partner in theatre anyway.

The only way she would be allowed in theatre is if she was your birth partner instead of your DH! As you want him there, not her, the initial problem is solved!

she wants to share our story with her followers and that they will see the highs and lows and emotions she is going through and it will raise awareness of the complications that can happen during labour.

Does she think she is some great film director, or something? She really sounds incredibly full of her own importance if she thinks she would be allowed to go in and film! Also, is she not aware that OBEM has already been doing this for years?

My DD is about to give birth to her third baby and it never occurred to me to want to be at the birth of any of them.

Just shut down any conversation about it with either your mother or your sister.

'No, DH is the only one who is going to be at the birth', is all you need to say. Just repeat it every time the subject comes up.

The body that is giving birth is your body and you have control over it.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to stop her even coming to the hospital after the birth she sounds awful and you really don't need her antics post birth either.

Wow. Just wow. F*CK and off would be my only two words for this manipulative CF.

She sounds very narcissistic.
You don’t need to give in to her shameless tactics, she has one well trained daughter, that should be enough.
I would shelter my kids from her as much as necessary, she might be better behaved with the next generation, or just as controlling.

Your birth/ child/ life, your choice.

Tell her she can build bridges a lot better by accepting who you are and what you believe in as opposed to what she wants you to be. I don’t buy for one second that’s it about wanting to be close to you.
Don’t even dream of feeling bad - she needs to back the hell off and respect your wishes.
I have 4 kids my mum would have hated to be there or at any other of her 10 grandchildren’s births - I brought her to one scan and she did even like that!

No. No, no, no, no, no, fuckityfuckfuck no. No.

Yep she can build bridges by accepting your choices for your birth and child and by accepting that you are different to your DSIS!!

Perhaps post that on her social media

Good lord no! I don’t know of any hospital where you would be allowed more than one birth partner in theatre with you anyway thankfully. She obviously has massive boundary issues along with some kind of celebrity complex (unless she is actually some kind of famous vlogger/influencer - but still!). If I were you, I’d be tempted to keep her away until you are home and settled, rather than letting her and her narcissism take over what is a very special but also difficult transition.

Our first DC is due any day now and both my parents and my ILs know that they’ll get a call or text when things are starting and then they’re not to expect any further communication (unless there’s some kind of emergency or change of plan - we’re planning a homebirth so would let them if we needed to go into hospital for example) until baby has been born. I don’t want to have to be sending updates etc. and equally want DH to be focusing on supporting me, not on his phone in the corner. They won’t be visiting until little one has fed, we’ve had something to eat and got some rest.

Your mother is off her rocker. No way in hell would I have her in the theatre with me. She doesn’t care about you, only her precious followers. Start keeping her at arms length from now cos I can see trouble ahead. And there is no need for the grandmother and grandchild bonding either because you don’t want people like her in in any way.

Wow. She's very demanding and self centred, isn't she? What a self entitled attitude.
I think if I were you I would get back to her and tell her that as she clearly has issues with boundaries, you are going to have to establish some more firmly, and that you will see her when you return from the hospital and not before, and given the circumstances, you will not be letting her know the date of the c section.

Your mother is a batshit narcissist.

She sounds horrendous. Low contact.